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Well, as I started this site up, one of my main considerations has been to be honest about my own recovery and try not to "wrap" it up too much.

Just made myself an appointment with the GP for Dec 5th to consider going on anti-deps. Still, haven't made up my mind as to whether this is the right road or not, would like to think that I can still find the strength to pick myself up, but as time passes I'm not sure that I can. Having a later appointment will, however give me some time to reflect

Think that I'm at the point of not knowing if it's the mental issues or the physical issues that are pulling me down, or if it's the combination of being left with both. :?

The physical stuff is a constant reminder.........go to bed with it, wake up with it.........as much as I work with it, it's still there.

If I look back on this time last year ..... my spirit was definetly higher, even though physically I was worse. I know that I have improved greatly, but it's a real hard slog and the coping factor is harder after 16 months.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for myself and I don't want anybody else to feel sorry me, it's not a question of "why me?"....... I would just like to have the odd couple of days, where I felt like me and the SAH wasn't ruling my life.

Anyway, thought that I would put my thoughts down for anybody else out there who's looking in and is feeling the same way.

Lots of love to you all,

Karen xxxxxxxx

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Hi Karen

I was seriosuly thinking about anti-deps about a month ago - so for you to only just need them at 16 months after what you've gone through and are left with is remarkable.

I know that I still feel like the SAH rules my life and even though I have no physical symptoms left the mental side has still tried to raise its ugly head over the past few weeks. I know whatyou mean about wanting to have just one day as you with the SAH being in teh forefront. Its the first thing I wake up thinking about and the last thing before I go to bed.

I don't think its a case of us feeling sorry for you or sympathising but cos we've been through the same we can empathise with you.

Sending a very very very big hug sweetie (hope that doesn't sounding patronising cos its not supposed to be)

Lots of love

Sami xxxxxxxxx

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Hi Sami,

Thanks for the big hug :D ( I can still enjoy those!!) .....like you say, it's not a question of wanting anybody to feel sorry for me.....but I just want to be honest and to say that even at this stage I struggle with the whole damned thing.....wasn't sure whether to post this or not originally......but I think that it's important to be honest with anybody looking in, who might be going through similar feelings.

I don't feel down 100% of the time and I still have positive moments...but it's not enough, well not for me anyway.

I have to weigh up whether the threat of seizures returning versus Anti-deps.........which is something I don't take lightly........but my mental health is probably beginning to be more of an issue than the seizures.

Still, I have a couple of weeks to see how things go....but the trouble is with me, I can be too ****** sensible at times!! :lol:

Lots of Love and a big hug back,

Karen xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Hi Karen

Just a thought - but the St johns Wort I take is for depression. I don't know whether you're on any medication but when you go to see your Doc ask him if you can take that maybe instead of the anti-deps. You don't have to take it all the time and its a abooster when you do feel down. It might be worth a try if you can take it rather than anti-deps.

I must sound like a right old hippies come witch with my favouring herbal remedies - but as far as I can see these are all natural growing things with no chemicals.

And like you told me to post when I have a good time so must you when you're feeling down - not only does it, as you say, let other people know that if they feel the same that they're not on their own - but it also allows us guys the chance to try and cheer you up, even if only a little, and let you know that we all love you and are here for you.

Even bigger hug with this posting (seeing as you like them soooo much :wink: )

Love Sami xxx

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Hi Sami,

Yeah, I will ask the Doc about St.John's Wort.....I know that it interferes with the contraceptive pill though, but got to a point where I think that I will probably come off that anyway, as it doesn't seem to be working too well. Have had horrendous heavy periods as well.....but he's testing me for that as well. My body seems to have gone to pot!!

Thanks for another big hug and one back to you as well! :D

Lots of love K xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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I was on the pill and had the same problems, now I have a merena (think thats how its spelt) coil fitted - I've not had a period for 18 months due to the hormone thats in it - it stops the womb wall building up or something so therefore there is no period. Sorry to any bashful men reading this :oops: You could always ask about that if it helps.

Sami xx

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Hi Karen

Sorry to here that you are not too well. I feel a bit guilty in saying that I have not had any emotional issues, but then I'm a bloke...

Things Only Women Understand

* Cats' facial expressions.

* The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

* Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

* Fat clothes.

* Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

* The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

* Cutting your hair to make it grow.

* Eyelash curlers.

* The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

Hope that cheered you up a bit.



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Hi Karen-and Zebedee!

All I can say is that depression not only affects you but can affect your family-they can sometimes pick up on how you are and it may be worthwhile discussing the issue with them and how they see it.

I think that a change of scenery can help-a break if you haven't had one too..I know you may not feel like it but sometimes just to get away for a few days and unwind somewhere nice can be a great tonic.

I am not belittling how you feel..I felt bad a year ago for various reasons

and I understand you being concerned about seizures but there must be many different drugs -some I assume are less likely to cause problems like that.

Only you truly know how you feel-you have time to think it over...but I honestly think a break may help.

Best wishes

Andy P


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Hi Keith and Andy,

Thanks for the kind words.

Keith - I knew that you would rise to the occassion !! :lol: Love the new piccy....which one of the 7 dwarfs are you?? :lol: Dopey, Bashful?? :lol: Well, you put a smile on my sad old face! Yes, I'm wearing my fat clothes and only I, can understand my cat!!

Well, I'm sat here with a "peel off" face mask on......first facial I've given myself since the SAH......at least my skin is taut...that is, until I peel it off in a minute!!.....more than likely need a chemical peel...or face lift!! :lol Perhaps I'll just leave it on permanently! no comments please!!

Well, yes, you blokes are lucky not having the girly stuff to put up with as well!! :lol: You don't know you're born!! :lol: (Jeez, I sound like my Mother)

Andy, you're probably right.....think that I do need a change of scenery or something.......just don't look forward to much at the minute, it all feels like too much hassle.....I know that I need to break this chain of thought ..... but every time I take a step forward, I take two back.

Anyway, I've got a couple of weeks until I see the Doc and then I will talk it over with him. I had to fill out another form for anxiety/depression when I went for my balance assessment last week, so it will be interesting to hear what they have to say on it. I'm now at a point where if there's something that can help me regain some sanity, I will probably take that option and see how it goes.

Thanks for cheering me up guy's,

Love K xxxxxxx

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Guest Jeanette

Hi Karen

So sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time.

I have experienced some of the same problems as you- although I have never felt the need to take medication for depression as I have found that it comes in waves and passes -so I have been lucky enough to be able to ride it out. Having said tnat-I would encourage you to give the medication a go if you are feeling so bad.

I find that I get very low if I have to focus on my limitations ( for example if I have to fill out the follow-up questionaires, have doctors appointments and have to remember problems to bring up or when job hunting.) If I just plod along within my limitations and dont give in to pressure-either from myself or others to keep up I can cope o.k.

I have been concerned that running this excellent site for us might not always be helping you as you must always be thinking -not only of your own problems but taking on everyone elses as well- BUT YOU DO A WONDERFUL JOB!!!

I found that accepting my limitations helped me and letting go of the hope that I would be able to go back to my job. I have been doing voluntary work at a charity shop for a few hours a week which has been a huge help to my sanity and selfesteem.

It also sounds as though you are suffering from hormonal problems which might be making the depression worse. I am (hopefully) getting over the menopausal problems but also had the really heavy periods- often for 3 weeks out of 4 and became anaemic. I did the rounds of ultrasound scans and blood tests etc- if it is an age related thing it does pass with time- but its hard to know what symptoms are SAH related and what are' womens problems'

I found for about 2 years it felt as if I was living on a see saw - when I thought I was getting on well the balance would tip again and I would come crashing down again- but I foud that gradualy I got more 'balanced' and things levelled out.

I do hope that you soon feel much better- be sure to get as much rest as you can.

very best wishes

take care


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Hi Jeanette,

Thanks for your reply and I hope that you are keeping well yourself.

I think that you and me are pretty similar with the way that we think and also the problems that we've encountered.

I also tend to dip in and out of depression and on the whole I've been able to fight it off and bounce back. Although, in the last couple of months, I seem to be dipping in a little too regularly for my liking and I'm definetly finding it harder and harder to bounce back. It all feels never ending and trying to think positively is becoming a real struggle.

I think that you could be right.....that my hormones are all over the place. It's only happened since the SAH though, as when I first came out of hospital, my periods stopped completely for a few months. I was told that they stopped through the shock. My GP is testing me for anaemia ....but I also get quite bad PMT now, which doesn't help matters......so there's at least one week out of the month where I feel rubbish without the SAH problems piled on top.

I'm due at the hospital for some physio this afternoon.....but, you're right, it is a definite stark reminder of your limitations.....I hate walking through the doors and it still makes me feel anxious......even though I'm not having anything horrendous done! :lol:

I accepted my limitations quite a while back, as I would have definetly lost my marbles before now, but I find that some people around me think that I'm "giving in" to it.

This site has been great therapy for me, it keeps me busy and it's helped no end, not sure what I would have done without the support of others in the same boat.

It's a good idea doing some voluntary work in a charity shop.....how many hours do you do?

Anyway, must go and thanks for your kind words,

Lots of Love,

K x

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Hi Karen

I don’t think that going on anti-deps for a little while is all that wrong ok so maybe not everyone agrees with me there!! :(

Your GP will talk it through with you which will be as good as too, & these days you don’t get hooked on them like once was the case, it will give you a little relief too.

On saying that, No it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like you do I actually did, but hey you have to think about number one & if it helps then give it a go.

I know exactly what you mean about the physical being a reminder as I said to someone this is with me 24/7 I get no ‘time off’, I’ve had to learn to live with it not fight against it, however I also like you I don’t want pity or people to feel sorry for me.

I was on Sodium Valporate when I got out of hospital for seizures which was kind of like an anti-depres which got me through the first 2 years when I came off them the fear of would I have a seizure engulfed me I didn’t remember what had happened when I’d had one I was for ever watching the clock to see if I’d missed any time especially when I was on my own (which was often) when I think now it sounds so silly I know how it can run your life I was lucky I saw a physiologist at the re-hab hospital but I was never lucky enough to be able to speak to other people that had went through similar to me to understand…. For me its really only been in the last 4 years that things have improved physically & that’s due to the damage the SAH caused ME that wont be the case with everyone because already you’ve seen that we all have different things going on.

Well I’ll stop there beginning to ramble (as norm) I hope that this all makes sense when I read your post Karen I could so remember the feelings take care…..


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Hi Louise,

Thanks for your kind words.

I too was on anti-seiz meds after the SAH....but I found the side effects horrendous......I was on Phenytoin. Once I came off them, after reducng the dosage over a long period of time, I was also worried about getting the seizures back. My anxiety really started to kick off, so it's nice to know that it wasn't just me that worried about having the seizures return! I also can't remember how it felt having a seizure, so lots of times when I didn't feel quite "all there" I worried if it was the start of one.

I know that some anti-seiz medication is also used to treat anxiety/depression, so if the side effects from anti deps are similar, then I don't know what I shall do. There are lots of "ifs" and "buts" with this scenario and that's why I've held off from taking anything previously. :?

Anyway, I have a couple of weeks grace before I see the Doc, so I will just have to wait and see how I feel at that stage.

Catch you later,

Love K xx

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Hi Karen

No its not just you that worried about having a seizure once you came off the meds everyone must have thought I was nuts you not alone.

Kind of like you I dont want to give the impression of all gloom & doom I find I'm worse in the winter the long cold dark months I'm far better spring & summer people say its all in the mind but I honistly think I am better when the weathers good.

Catch you later


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Hi All

My best friend, Lisa, was on anti-deps for 12 years after having a nervous breakdown - she was slowly weaned off them and is now very happy and in a loving relationship with a 21 month old little girl and another baby on the way. When I was having my really bad days and contemplating the anti deps she told me that without them she didn't think she'd be here now and that they helped her get through the hardest time of her life. There is no stigma attached to anti-deps like there used to be and I agre with Louise on this one, going on them to get you through what otherwise would be an horrendous time is no bad thing. You do what is best is best for you.

I also know what you mean about people thinking you're 'giving in' to it. I told Paul only last night that although I'm physically sound and my emotions are good and I haven't had a bad day for ages it doesn't mean that its not still a battle to stay on top and there are still going to be days that I just want to cry like a baby at it all.

Are you sure I can't make a joke about PMT? Just a little one!!! I've lived with PMT for 12 years - some days he annoys the hell out of me and other days I love him to bits - Please feel sorry for me - my husbands initials are PMT!!! Paul Michael Taylor!!! :oops: Sorry couldn't resist cos its been a very long standing joke between me, Paul and my friends!!

Karen, like Louise said, you GP will talk you through everything and will prescribe what he thinks will be best suited to your situation and frame of mind - I say go for it girl if it helps you get through what is an difficult time, no matter how its dressed up - this is a time!!!

Sending more hugs and kisses

Sami xxxxx

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Couldn't agree with Sami more no matter how many ribbon & bows you put around it it's a ' totally time' but we all have one thing in common apart from the obvious we have climbed the highest mountain & survived anything else has to be easy :wink:


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Hi Girls,

Thanks for your thoughts ...... I'm sure that in the next couple of weeks before my appt. I will be able to come to a firm decision ..... If it wasn't for the side effects of some of these drugs I think that at this stage I would just go for it. The trouble is with me, I "think" too much and don't give my brain a rest ..... too ****** practical I suppose, which doesn't do me much good sometimes ...

I wish somebody could give me a "taster" of how I would feel on anti-deps and whether it was going to be worth the risk....but life isn't like that is it? Just don't want to end up with even more stuff to deal with at the end of it.

Oh well, watch this space!

Sami, loved the PMT joke! Ladies are allowed to joke about PMT.....the men aren't!!! :lol::lol:

Lots of love,

K xxxxx

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Hey Ladies!

Well, I certainly belong in this discussion!!! I have been on anti deps for 20 years!! So ask any questions you like. There is a family history of serious depression and my divorce from my first husband was the kick off for me. I decided there's a true chemical imbalance in my genetic make up and just resigned myself to staying on them forever. Recently I became concerned about that as you know, and went to a great holistic doctor expecting her to say they are evil and put me on the St John's or something. To the contrary, she said that cutting back was not really necessary, but that if I want to try to, that this is the wrong time of year to do it for sure. So we're going to revisit the idea in the spring.

As far as side effects, I am on Zoloft and I take it at bedtime, so if there's any drowsiness at all, it doesnt affect my daytime (apart from the all new SAH drowsiness of course!). The only side effects I felt were in the initial 6 weeks of taking it. There is a period of some dizziness and stomach irritation that seemed to pass fairly quickly and was never dibilitating. A lot of people go off the drug at this time thinking it's no good, but if you decide to go on, you must commit to getting beyond that adjustment period or you never feel the positive effects.

As far as what it did for me, I would say that it has a stabilizing effect. It seemed to knock off the extreme lows and I was able to flow through life just a little better.

You all know that the whole menopausal thing has been an issue for me too. I am in the throws of that as well, and just last night I told Jack that I wished I could have had maybe 3 years in between SAH and the big change!!! It's so unfair to get past the worst of the SAH and have to deal with this right away. I haven't had a period (sorry boys) for 2 months this time around and I really MISS the relief it gave me when those hormones kicked in. Evidently what we call PMS here is PMT for you guys, so now I finally understand the pun that Andy made about time zones!!! hahahaha!!!

I think, Karen, that you are dealing with a huge amount of simultaneous tough stuff, and you have every reason to feel depressed!! We all have the right to feel sad about it, honey. That doesn't mean you are fishing for sympathy at all!!! I think we all need to resist the urge here to apologize for our feelings. If we can't share the down times here, then where would we be??? We are all here for each other.

I am sending you my love and ((((HUGS))))) and I support whatever decision you make with your doctor. I am also starting a new post today about migraines that you might find interesting. Jack cut the article out of our Sunday paper for me to post here. :) love,


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Hi Annie,

Thanks for the love and hugs! :) It's nice to hear the positives about the anti deps .... the dizziness thing does worry me though, as I'm so damned dizzy at the minute anyway.....but perhaps it won't make much difference!

I have heard that it takes quite a while for the anti deps to get into the system and to feel some benefit from them.

My periods are heavier rathen than getting lighter and these last couple of days have been pretty hellish, especially being topped off with a cold bug! Therefore, my dizziness is at it's peak at the minute.

I will look forward to reading your migraine posting ..... I still think that there's a link somewhere, but may be I'm wrong!

Off to physio in a minute .... hope the weather is better where you are!

Love and hugs back,


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Guest Jeanette

Hi Karen

Hope you are feeling a bit better today - I am well but a bit stressed with chaos at home. We had our diningroom ceiling re-plastered a couple of weeks ago after a leak from the shower. I thought that weshould re-decorate while we were in a mess anyway and had had to clear the furniture out- but we uncovered a bad case of dry rot- so we have had to rip out all the skirting board and replace it (things are never as straight forward as you intend!)

In answer to your question about the charity shop- I manage about 5 hours a week over two mornings. It is brilliant for me as its only a couple of miles away so I am able to drive myself and the people I work with are incredibly understanding and can always tell when I am getting 'past it' and make sure that I set off back home while I am still safe to drive. It works very well for me because I am able to feel a bit useful but in a safe situation because everyone is so considerate. I would love to get a paid job but by now I am aware that I wouldn't be able to work long enough at a stretch to do anything paid (and I'm sure no employer would be so caring!) At least doing the voluntary work has allowed me to thoroughly test my limits by trying to gradually increase the time I work.

I don't think I mentioned- my eldest daughter had to go on antidepressants for a while while she was at university (she had only just gone away to uni. when I had my SAH so I don't know whether that had any bearing on it)- but the point I wanted to mention was that she only needed them for a while and came off without any problem - so its not a big deal to give it a try if your doctor thinks right for you.

Anyway- good luck

Take care


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Hi Jeanette,

Thanks for your best wishes. I'm feeling a little better today....my cold bug seems to be on its way out now, so I feel a bit brighter in myself.

Sorry to hear about your chaos.....cure one problem and then discover another one.....not so bad if it's something easy to fix and doesn't cost the earth as well....so I can understand why you're feeling stressed. We've just gone through a phase where lots of our appliances have needed to be replaced and it felt like one thing after another. Not so bad when I was working, but now it's a different kettle of fish, it definetly stressed me out!

I suppose that we all hit rough patches and mine is here and now.....but still got a couple of weeks left before my GP appontment. Thanks for telling me about your daughter's experience on anti deps....it must have been a hard time for her with Uni and her Mum being so ill. I know that it hit my daughter very hard when I was ill, let alone if she'd been away from home as well....I don't think that she would have coped either.

I know what you mean about paid work.... I don't think many employers would be sympathetic to our needs! Your voluntary work sounds an ideal arrangement and lets you maintain your independence, which is great! I think that it also gives you something to talk about at home......that's what I miss not working......the conversation and a good laugh!!

Hope that you get the decorating sorted out.....rather you than me!!

Lots of love,

K x

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It is really OK, if you need this. I was put on an anti-dep. about 4wks. ago. My GP is gradually increasing my dosage. I am on a very low dose right now. For the past 18 months, I have suffered from severe joint and muscle pain. I have been worked up for everything from Rhumatoid Arthrits to Lupus. I was in the middle of being worked up when the SAH occured. I have finally been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. ANti.-Dep has been known to help with the pain. I have not noticed a difference in the my pain, but I seem to be able to handle my stress alot better. I do not seem to have as much anxiety as I did before. Atleast, it is helping one problem. :lol: I am sure that you and your GP can work together to find the right med for you. We all need a little help every now and then.

I hope that you feel better soon. The kids and I have had a cold and are passing it back and forth to each other. It seems to take for ever to get over. It seems like if it is not onething, its another. Sometimes, I just wish, I could fell normal for 5 minutes. No vision problems, no SAH, no pain. Sorry to ramble :? .

Hugs from Alabama


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