Depression

[Karen]

Hi Sami and Jen,

Sami - v.good! Re: kettle + fish perhaps that's where I'm going wrong! where do these daft sayings come from???

Jen, you sound as fed up as me!! Thanks for telling me about your own experiences on anti deps...it's really helpful.

Yes, the cold bugs aren't good when you're already feeling down in the dumps. Mine has improved greatly today, but when I get ill, my dizziness also gets worse.......we are also passing the cold around the family...I think that I'm going to start taking a vitamin c supplement or start wearing a mask around my kids!!

Sorry to hear that you have fibromyalgia ... I don't know too much about it, but I know from what I've read, that it's painful. Well, you've really been through it, at least the anti deps are making you feel less anxious, even though they're not helping with the pain.

I know what you mean about wishing that you could feel normal for five minutes......I think that I've sort of forgotten how "normal" feels, especially when I hit these low spots.

Hope that you're taking it as easy as possible, especially having small kids, which is draining in itself.

Hugs right back to you from England! Hope the weather is better where you are.....it's horrid here, very grey and bleak.....not good for the spirit.

Lots of love, Karen xxx

[Guest Jen]

Karen,

I guess you could say I am fed up. I feel all bubbley on the inside, my body just want let me go as fast as I want to. We just play everything by ear around the house, if I feel like doing things we do it, if not we don't. That's our new life and we have learned to live with it. Half blind or not,I am still here.My friends tell me they always knew there was something wrong with my head. .

The weather is the same here, wet and rainy. We have tornado warning for the day. I just want to go home and get in the bed

[Karen]

Hi Jen,

Think that you can tell from the "vibes" of somebody's e-mail whether they are feeling fed up or not. Just look after yourself, as it's not an easy road to travel.

I try to take each day as it comes......but easier for me as my kids aren't young any more.....but harder for you.

How bad is your sight or have I read your posting wrong?

Well, the weather might be bad here, but at least we don't have a tornado warning.... so at least we can be grateful for small mercies!

Look after yourself, write anytime, good or bad stuff, just get it off your chest!!

Lots of love,

K xx

[donna79]

Karen i was looking up depression...........

I found this post and i feel this way and feel there is now way out..........

I am speaking to anyone who i feel can help me but i feel lost and alone..............

I feel scared ( petrified it will happen again ) scared of fainting and waking up with tibes everywhere its horrible and i dont see how i am going to get through this................

I take paroxitine and was taking odd diazapam has and when needed but i dont wont to take it anymore to many side effects x x

and something else to come off and i just want to get the meds out my system and hopefully weird feelings will subside x

I have read the posts and i really wish i could click my fingers and all this be ok

[Karen]

Hi Donna,

It was interesting and scary to read through my original post in Nov 2006 .....which was nearly 2 years ago..... re: depression ..... I'm a much, much different person now, still have the odd tough time, but I'm much happier and have come to terms with my life as it is now .....

I was actually quite shocked to read how down I was at that stage ....I was also told earlier that year, that a neck was left on my aneurysm and the threat of seizures was still hanging over me...both of those things, nearly drove me mental.... but, I got through it and so can you .... I'm no different than you are ....nobody says it's going to be easy and there isn't a magic wand that you can wave ...... you can only take one day at a time, go through the normal motions of life, make the effort, no matter how huge it might feel and just keep believing that life will get easier and it will with the passage of time ..... you have to remind yourself how much you want it and think of your family and how devastating it would have been for them, if you hadn't had survived..... my children would have lost their Mum, Eric would have lost his wife, my Mum and Dad would have lost their child and so on.... Having my children around me, especially as they were older and knew what was going on etc, I didn't want them to see me as a quivering mess, as that would have affected them and my love for them was greater than my own needs.

It doesn't matter what support you have, friends to talk to, counselling, drugs to help, it's only you that can get yourself out of the vicious circle that anxiety can cause. When I started this website, I had little support, no counselling and a GP that knew less about the condition than I did......it was like the blind leading the blind .....I was desperately seeking answers like you ..... have I found the answers on my quest? No, I don't think that I have ..... nobody is able to tell me whether or not I might die from another SAH ...... there aren't any guarantees in life and I know that I still have a neck on this aneurysm that might possibly grow and yes, it could perhaps kill me ..... In my first year, especially, I probably thought that I was going to die at least once a week ..... this would stop me from going out, as like yourself I would feel dizzy, have heart palpitations, the shakes (from the meds) and used to think that I would pass out or die in the queue at Asda ..... being blunt, the worse part for me, was the fear of having more seizures and peeing myself in public ..... the sheer damned humiliation of it all! .... now I can laugh at myself, but the fear of everything, was making the anxiety massive and making me feel much more ill, then perhaps I should have been.

After resisting going on to anti depressants, I finally gave in to the Doc (who wanted me on them much earlier) and started on Prozac .... I had a bad reaction to it and one night ended up near enough comatose on the settee, vomitting, I'm not sure whether I had seizures or not, as I was on my own, but I was totally out of it ..... my family couldn't wake me up when they came into the room and I put the fear of God in them and myself..... which was a blessing in disguise, as it made me somehow, find something within me, to try to overcome the situation ..... in fact it frightened me to death and in a way, it was the start of a huge wake up call for me and the Prozac went into the bin.

Donna, whether you take anti deps or not, you will still need to eventually deal with the situation that you're in and find a coping mechanism, hopefully your Counsellor might be able to suggest something ..... nobody on this message board can give you guarantees as to what might or might not happen to you in the future .... What you're experiencing seems to be pretty common with SAH survivors and nothing unusual, but you are able to see from many of us on this website, that life does get better and you can move forward and you will be happy again ..... try to stay clear of the negative thoughts if you can and focus on what you've achieved during the day .... I'm fairly sure that anxiety is the cause of a lot of your problems at this minute, but you need to divert your mind and try to give your brain a rest. Perhaps you could try some meditation/relaxtion type of music/yoga? Maybe make a list of all the positive things in your life at the minute or what you can achieve and stick it up somewhere, so when you're having a bad few minutes you divert your thoughts and take a look at it ... The things I used to see as a positive in the early stages of coming to terms with life were very basic or may seem trivial, but at the top of my list was, my kids being happy, hearing their laughter and their loud music, being able to put make up on, getting the dishes done, making dinner .... it's the day to day routine stuff that keeps you functioning and will help to bring some kind of normality back to your life.

My one piece of advice to anybody suffering from severe anxiety, is not to wildly search the internet for SAH info......even if you see a post on BTG that sounds like it could be a bit of scary read, I would personally say, ignore it, don't feed your anxiety and don't scare yourself further .....give your brain a rest, if you're finding things hard to handle......there's plenty of people on this website who will respond to posts. I have never really found any specific answers trawling the web, that have given me peace of mind, mostly, what I've read, has fed and heightened my anxiety. The only thing that I could take comfort in, was knowing that others had come before me and seeing that it was possible to achieve recovery after many years ..... When you're world is unexpectedly turned upside down by a brain injury, one of the hardest things I've found coming to terms with initially, is the loss of control over my life and the uncertainty of it all and the feeling of not being able to trust your body any more ..... however, nobody in this world knows what's around the corner for them either, there's no guarantees, apart from the fact that we will all eventually die of something, we just don't know when ...... I've stopped worrying about dying with every twinge in my head or my heart ..... I don't panic anymore, I'm pretty comfortable inside my head (if that makes sense) .....I also take the view now that I've wasted too much of the last few precious years worrying about what could happen, when so far, it hasn't ... I know that it's easy for me to say this now, as I'm over 3 years post SAH, but it's just to show you and others that follow, that life does improve, albeit slowly at times and not at the pace we would perhaps like, but there will be a time when the positive things in your life outweigh the bad and you won't need to look for them. xx

[jess]

Donna you can and will get through it I was thinking just like you I also thought there was no way out I wouldn't go anywhere on my own with Garry just in case I collapsed I was more frightened for him than me just in case he walked into the road and stuff, cause it only really hit me when he was born which is probably why you are feeling it now cause you already have your son. Only you can get you through this, but I am confident that you will manage it in the end you will see and just be grateful everyday that you survived. Just PM me anytime or send an e-mail you know the address now. Jess.xxx

[Tina]

Karen, what you have just written, just shows how you can beat all this and get to where you are now......and it has only been YOU that has taken control with positivity and strength, that has enabled you to move forward, accept what has happened and grab your life back. As you have said there will always be bad days along the way, but concentrating on the good and positive brings it all back in to perspective.

Donna, may these postings from Karen and Jess give you the answers you are searching for. Grab your life back, concentrate on the positives, like your son and husband.....they need you. You can do this...you are strong...look how far you have come already Keep smiling, change all negatives into positives...you can do it.....we are all here for you hun

Take care

Love Tinaxx

[Louise]

Karen, wow you really have come on since I found this site.

I too was at the 3year stage when things looked a little brighter then I hit the downward sprial again (but that dosnt happen to everyone I had major stress come into my life) thats when I found BTG

I hope you are going back to see the councellor and dont just go a couple of times it takes a lot more than a few sessions but thats their job.......

"its like having a ball of twine and unravelling it bit by bit"

but its not easy I know that your life has been turned up side down and hey inside out as well but think of postive things dont give yourself massive goals just one thing to achive I started with I am not going to have a seizure while I'm out.................I was fighting against it but somehow I learned to live with it when I did that then the improvements came........

But before that Donna I was very much just like you are now it was eating me up engulfing me and that not nice or good.......

PM if you want to chat........

hopefully in time you can read back your entries and think Wow was that me......

hugs

Louise.xx

[donna79]

Thankyou guys

I will try and do what is recommened even though it seems easier said than done.............

I will make a positive list

I will try and change negative for positive

I will remember its like a ball all ravelled up and is undoing slowly and eventually will be just one piece of string.

SAH is all i think about what it could off done and horrible thoughts.......all day long...........

I have appointment with my councillor at 12pm and will let you know how it goes...........

Thankyou again and thankyou sami for our chat x x x

[Karen]

Good luck Donna with the Counsellor ...... no, it's not an easy road and I won't tell you any different, but just hang on in there and you will eventually get to the point where the SAH doesn't dominate your every waking second .... the flashbacks and memories do fade .... In the first year of my recovery, it used to turn me stone cold when I use to see and hear an ambulance ..... and as we're situated on the main route from the ambulance station, I used to hear and see many of the damned things ..... it doesn't affect me at all now and I don't associate it with the SAH anymore or really think about them ..... it's funny how the mind works ... x

[Skippy]

Hey Donna

No problem hun - like I said - I'm always at the end of a phone. Let me know if you want me to come over later.

Love Sami xxxx

[Tina]

Bless you Donna.....you will get there...good luck at your appointment...take care xx

Love Tinaxx

[Vivien]

Hi Donna, sorry to hear you are feeling so bad.

Karen, you are spot on with what you say!

Just one thing, maybe the anti depressants that you are taking now are not the ones for you, there are many different types and perhaps another one would suit you? Also they take quite a while to actually work and can even make you feel worse before you feel better. If you decide to stop them, you have to do it gradually or you will feel ill (dizzy, sick )

I had bad depression a few years ago and it took a while to find an anti depressant that suited and helped me, but they did, along with counselling and group therapy and relaxation classes ( I went for everything! I was desperate ) In time I felt a lot better and gradually stopped the pills. What helped me was accepting the feelings I had and not trying to fight them and hide them all the time, it is ok to feel bad and down if that is how you feel, but don't dwell on those feelings.

When you are thinking all those bad thoughts, just take a slow breath and try to distract yourself, stroll round the garden, listen to some music, whatever makes you feel a bit better.

Also think of the postives, as the others have said, you have a lovely partner and son, you are alive and with them still

Hope this helps

Vivien x

[donna79]

Thankyou guys

I am listening to what you are all saying................

Can i explain to everyone how i feel and if anyone feels the same please pm i just dont want to feel alone x

I feel really really down and like i am making myself ill and scared what this will lead to...

I am scared of dying ( and scares me how close i came ) and i dont want to leave my 2 year old and family which is making it hard for me to get close to them I am crying ALL the time and feel weak dizzy tired and like my legs dont want to work x

I feel like i dont want to be here anymore and dont deserve to be.................i feel selfish and ungrateful..............i feel i have no control over my body and it wants to pack in...............

I keep telling myself that i wont die from depression and that my head is fine and wont happen again x x x

Any thoughts that people think may help please tell me i am at my wits end here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am on paroxitine 20mg and am waiting for a call from doctor to see if she thinks i should up the dose x x

Sorry to go on ( one day i will be ok and show you all i am normal x )

[paulg]

Hi donna i know in detail what you are goung through !. I have been seeing a psycholigist for some 12 weeks now since my last stay in hospital may june this year,these people are rare to see ,and i have gained some recovery from deppression of the effects of stroke.It just so happens i saw her today ,and she commente on the btg and thought it was a very good site for help,you need to push for this type of help ,and i have found it worthwhile!.i do take a antidepresant drug called mirtazepine 45g its expensive but does work.take care paul an sue