Bill B

Hi Kate. Rubbish week all round then! Bickering colleagues, spineless bosses and moaning assistants. I don't want to come across all Confucius or anything, but bad things happen to good people. You've been through some bad stuff, but your still here, posting with the rest of us. In the end, everything will balance out, and as long as they were insured..... sweet......! Keep on keeping on. Bill. x

Hi Simplesan, Welcome to BTG. Sandi K is right, many of us are much more emotional post SAH. Six years on, I'm still fragile and easily moved to tears, though the fatigue has improved with time. What sort of OP did you have? I was Coiled but from what I've read on this site Clipping seems to be much more traumatic, not in every case, but generally. No two people are the same but depression seems to affect most people to some extent. The people who matter to you should understand your condition. Ask them to read some of the threads on this site. "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter"'. All the best. Bill B. x

Hi WinB143, So far today I've washed my smelly dog, cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the front room, but have just remembered the one thing my wife asked me to do before she left this morning to visit her Mum. Peel the spuds! She'll be back in a bit so I'd better crack on. She should have left me a note. Can't help thinking there's something else I should have done, but she will tell me what it is when she gets back. Must crack on , I've got a bathroom to clean! Bill. x

Hi all, I have a technique for remembering names, (usually at the pub quiz). I fix the picture in my mind the send my little inner Librarian off down my memory shelves, working my way through the alphabet, until a name rings a bell. My fellow quiz- team members smile as I go into a trance- like state, but they are grateful when I suddenly announce the answer, ( usually in the middle of another question). Just like Win 143, I have trouble remembering some things, post SAH, that were not a problem before. One name that caught me out recently was Johnny Cash, I could not for the life of me, remember his name, even though I'm a great fan. I found myself saying things like "walk the line" and "man in black" and "San Quentin"..... anything that was connected to the missing name, until the name just arrived back in my memory.It doesn't always work but it's just another tool in the recovery box. All the best, Bill. x

Hi Kelly, You're in the right place. Good people, good advice and shared experiences. All the best, Bill. x

Hi all, I don't think the Doctors know any thing about the tiredness or fatigue that ensues from the aftermath. They are brilliant at keeping us alive with the mechanical process of medical repair but can only guess as to what makes us all so tired.I've given up complaining or searching for reasons as to why I get so tired, it's just how it is. I work three days a week for five hours a day. I know, it's nothing compared to most people, but it's all I can manage and even then I have to sleep for an hour as soon as I get home.It's really deep sleep as well. I arrive home at 5.30 and put Neighbors on, but have no idea whats going on because after 5 mins I've gone. I get bone deep tired, but have to say that, six years on, it is manageable and would dread that feeling of fatigue that followed the event. The Doctors look for physical reasons for everything (God bless 'em) so "brain tired " doesn't register. There is no known reason for our tiredness. Now there's a study that Oxford Uni should commission. Me first! Bill. x

Hi Jan, I've just read Momo and karen's posts saying Platinum coils are not magnetic and therefore not a problem. I should have read them before I posted. Thanks guys. Bill x

Hi skippy, In your reply from the UNI they said they would be concerned about the coils moving because of the strong magnetic fields. This is a little disturbing, as I have had two MRI scans since having my coils fitted and there was no mention of any risk. They ask you to fill out a form before the scan where you declare all previous operations and procedures. On both occasions I declared my coiling operations of 2005 and 2010. Has anyone else had a scan since coiling? It's a bit worrying. Bill x

Hi all, Nessie said that the whooshing sensation was the announcement of her SAH. I had the same symptoms but they were present for several weeks in my case. The other symptoms were like a crawling sensation across my scalp, chest tightness and the involuntary opening of my fingers,( causing me to drop whatever I was holding at the time). I put it all down to stress at the time and was not too concerned because the feeling after a "spasm" was quite pleasant, like the feeling you have after satisfying vigorous exercise. I was tested for Angina, vision problems and arthritis before being told I was imagining it all, about a week before my SAH. The whooshing sensations are still with me now, six years on. They are not painful and I don't really "hear" them, I just feel them, like feeling the blood flow inside my head. Four or five long pulses, like a toilet flushing, that fade away and disappear leaving no pain or after affects. I have no idea what it is, neither does my GP or Consultant. They all say that "we will keep an eye on it", whatever that means. Wooshing you all the best. Billx

Hi Ian, welcome to BTG. I only joined last month. That was a good decision. Your decision is much more difficult. I was coiled, so have no relevant advice on clipping , but you could look at Celia's thread,(Clip vs Coil) under the heading ...Untreated/unruptured cerebal aneurysms.... on the forum page. I hope this will help. Good luck. Bill.

Hi to all you wonderful people, Depression is the hidden consequence of a Stoke/SAH and something that ,I think, we all have in common. I find that people misunderstand what depression is. It's not feeling sad or a bit down, or a bit under the weather or any of the countless other temporary negative feelings that apply to "well" people. It is an all- encompassing shroud that surrounds every aspect of your life and isolates you from the people who love you. I remember waking up day after day feeling disappointed that I hadn't passed away in my sleep. I hid my feelings from my family for months and eventually came to the point where I refused to get out of bed. I did't see the point in anything. My wife tried to protect me and made excuses for me (at my request) but it only came to head when one of my oldest friends insisted on seeing me and when he did , he was shocked at what he found. Amongst the things he said to me was; "your being selfish" (his fiancée died in 1990 of a SAH) " you refuse help, your too much of a coward to kill yourself. Now get dressed and get yourself down to the pub and come and be miserable with the rest of us" He then added the one phrase that lit my fuse, "cheer up". I just burst into hysterical laughter and laughed and laughed until I started sobbing uncontrollably. It went on for a few minutes until I realized that for the fist time in months, I actually felt alive. The point of all this is that the depression, in my case at least, had cut me off from my feelings both good and bad, it was all just a long, grey, pointless tunnel. The huge outpouring of emotion seemed to release me in some way to feel again. Since that incident I have never suppressed the need to cry (or laugh) and though it is embarrassing sometimes, the people who care about me understand and don't make a big deal about it. I still have the negative feelings but seem to live along side them now without letting them rule my life. It took years to reach that point but I feel I hit the bottom and bounced up a little. Let people love you and tell them how you feel. You may never be the chirpy person you were before your event but you can re-invent yourself into a more sympathetic, empathetic, philosophical person. I hope this is of some use to someone. Good luck to you all. Billx

Hi everyone, you are all very perceptive about your feelings and I have been watching this thread with great interest. Talking about my feelings is a new experience for me but I feel I can add something . Six years on from my SAH, I still forget birthdays and anniversaries but no longer feel the need to apologize. I sent my entire extended family and friends a Christmas card, a year after my SAH, and explained to them all (on the card) that my memory was impaired and that I meant no insult by forgetting any important dates. I received replies from almost all of them with messages of understanding. So now, if I forget something, which I still do, I don't feel guilty. Some of the replies said "Why don't you write things down?" Well , I do, but most of the things I write down are about work, or day- to- day things and I don't have enough spare for everything. Both my children berate me for asking them repeat questions but my wife just leaves post-it notes on the bath room door or on the kettle and this works just fine. At work, my colleagues (who are a great support) leave notes stuck to my P.C. screen because they know I will forget to read my E-mail. It works! Bill x

Hi kel, Thanks for your comments, though I don't feel very inspired. I just feel that I did what I had to do, for the sake of my family. When you can no longer lift things or drive commercially or see properly it seemed to me that the only option was teaching. The problems that young teachers face (violence, obnoxious behavior, apathy,bullying, corporate bullying and countless other bad stuff) just rolls off my back like the irrelevant nonsense that it really is. What the SAH gave me was a focus and clarity that makes me immune to all that negativity. The only weakness that I have is a ridiculous habit of crying. I only need to see a limping pigeon to start welling up. Maybe my empathy gene has been over- sensitized. I can't believe I'm saying this stuff on line. What the heck , in for a penny. Bill

Hi everyone, I was a heavy smoker at the time of of my SAH (cigars) and since recovering have had an ongoing battle to quit. I still smoke occasionally (don't know why ,because I don't like the smell , or taste, it just seems so deeply ingrained into my life). Luckily, I have a job where I can't smoke during the day, and I don't miss it at all. Nor can I smoke at home (my wife and daughter forbid it in the house) but when I take the dog for a walk or go to the shops I always have a smoke. Stupid, I know. I overcame a real bad alcohol problem so you would think quitting smoking would be similar. I wish smoking would be made illegal so all the weak- willed people like me could stop. Just never quit trying to quit.

Hi everyone, I hope you are all having a good day. I was wondering if anyone has had the same advice that I received, when I had an appointment with an Orthoptic surgeon on Thursday 2nd of June. He suggested that I have an operation on my"good" eye to make it work in the same way as my affected eye, thus reducing the double vision. This alarmed me a little, as it seems to be like having a sprained ankle, and then deliberately spraining the other ankle, to reduce the appearance of a limp. This third Nerve Palsy has only been a problem since last August, when I had a reoccurring Aneurysm coiled. The surgeon has told me to think about having the operation and to let him know in four months time at my next appointment. Is this something anyone else has encountered? Thanks, Bill

Hi Lynne, Your right! Chasing the money is irrelevant, what matters is people . The corperate setup where I work is scared of my "disability" so they leave me alone. Its as if the disability act trumps all other politically correctness and allows me to plough my my own furrow whist they take great credit for employing someone with a disability. Some of the work I have produced (with the learners) is used as a recruitment tool by the college and heralded by OFSTED as a "shining example of inclusivity and diversity" but to me , its all so obvious. We all produce at our own levels and the measure of what we achieve, is not the end result, but the distance between the the starting point and the place we are now.I have been lucky enough to worm my way into teaching through the back door, but it all stated with voluntary work. You are doing the right thing! Volunteer, and keep on volunteering, until you become indispensable, and then you will end up with a job that, not only pays the bills, but also gives you the satisfaction that you are doing something worthwhile.Empathy has no value, but it is also priceless. Bill.

Hi skippy, I find all of this "opening-up" a little unsettling. It is six years now , since my SAH and I have not talked to anyone, who really knows what it is like, before. I find the thought of meeting someone who has been through the same thing a little disturbing, as I have spent the last six years trying to eradicate the event from my mind. Joining this forum is beginning to to educate me into a new way of coping with all my demons.I have always been the provider within my family and having to acknowledge that I need help is very difficult for me. My instinct is always to move on and make the best of whatever is thrown at me and never to give up , even when people say "your entitled to benefits " and " don't put yourself through all this because your not well enough." Well I know that I am not well enough, but working with people who are affected by congenital conditions that present with symptoms and behaviors , much worse than mine, leads me to a point where I can choose to ignore my own problems. To me , that is the point, I choose to ignore my problems, MY choice. Meeting up is a good idea, but please allow me time to get used this kind of communication. I have never been a member of any online community before and do not know what is expected of me.I have a My- space site for all my music , but it is all sorted out by by my (young [33yrs]) musical collaborator.I may seem to be savvy with modern technology , but really, when it come to computers, it's all just "press and hope". I hope to meet you one day,but need to understand what is happening to me on this site first. Bill.

I am living in Arnold, about two miles away from you, but was brought up in Calverton. My friends, in the pub- quiz team I am in, are brutal with their "mickey-taking" and take great delight in complaining about their minor ailments while I sit there with no visible proof of my trauma. I had a second operation, in August last year, to coil a re-growth at the base of the original repair. To prove it had happened, I dropped my trousers in the pub to show them the the bruising around the groin area. Its all good fun.

Hi Bogbrush! I've tried to post my story but don't know if it's worked? I will keep trying. By the way , thanks for for your support, six years on , one becomes a little immune to help, and cynical towards comments of support.I had no visible signs of trauma (because of the femoral nature of my coiling) so it was assumed that I should " get over it" and most of my friends have forgotten the trauma that I suffered. Sprained ankles and broken arms take centre stage in the reality of the the world I live in.That is why this site is so important to me, only all of you, understand what it feels like to have to re- invent yourself from nothing.

I hope I'm doing this right. (I've never been part of an online community before). Thanks for your comments, though it is not really what I would call inspirational, it was more of series of lucky accidents that lead me to volunteer as a music teacher (just to give me a reason to get out of bed and wash). I worked for six months without pay before the college decided I was worth taking a chance on. The college paid for my training and when I qualified ,they allowed me to work for only three days a week,as I still become very tired ( as every one on this site will know) but I do know that there is always a way back if you want it enough. I have written a full account of my experience and would like to know if anyone is interested in reading it and if so, how do I post it? Thanks Bill B.

Hi everyone! I've finally got around to joining a support group. I had a SAH on Jan 15th 2005 but was lucky enough to be outside the Queens Medical Centre in Nottingham when it happened.I blacked out and rammed my lorry into an articulated lorry, but only found out what had happened when I came around with a group of people around me, protecting me from the other driver. I was coiled within a matter of hours and spent two weeks in hospital. Since the event I have struggled with depression ,Tinnitus and third nerve palsy. Short term memory is still a bit patchy but long term memory is unaffected. I was forced to leave my job, but have subsequently re- trained as a teacher ( specializing in Autism, Down's Syndrome and trauma related conditions). It has been a long road back from the SAH, but even though the Palsy gives me double vision and nausea, I feel very privileged to have been given a second chance to do something worthwhile. I find that being busy at work has been the best therapy, although I acknowledge that not everyone can have supportive bosses.