Who I have become. Ramblings of an SAH stage

[Carl]

I have been reading through the forum and noticing most of us have the same symptoms and frustrations, all with slight variations but all the same roots.

We are all striving to get back to where we were, Like work and physical health.

I am starting to wonder if that is the right thing to do. sometimes we try so hard we seem to stumble back.

I am not saying we should give up on anything because I dont think that is healthy, but I am thinking we should strive to accept who we are and what we have become. Then we can move forward.

Funny I don't have perfect vision, I wear glasses, People see me in glasses and don't even think anything of it. They accept me as a person who does not have perfect vision. The "disability" of needing glasses is invisible till the glasses are on.

I realize that I am not perfect. There are days where I shut down, sometimes intellectually, sometimes physically. Those are things I deal with and have come to accept. If my SAH only came with a pair of glasses that would allow people to see that I am not perfect. I beleive the people who love me and care about me understand some of the frustrations and still accept me for who I am.

This last weekend I was visiting my daughter and at the end of the day I was tired but I was looking for a magazine. My daughter was talking to her mom and she asked what I was looking for. I heard her, I didnt respond. I found the magazine, still ignoring wife and daughter I slipped away to another room. I heard them discussing the fact that I shut down and don't reply. Still I didnt reply. They accepted it and moved on. I don't mean to be rude, it is just one of the side effects.

I know I need to change that behavior, not sure how to do it but it is another step on this fun journey.

That is enough rambling for now, just feels good to get some stuff down on paper.

[KelBel]

Hi Carl

They may be ramblings to you Carl, but they are interesting none-the-less

I like your glasses analogy... we have a hidden 'illness' (I am not always allowed to call my SAH an illness by those close to me, as I am not ill! )

It can be rather difficult to accept the way we are after SAH; as we are continually waiting to see just how much better we can get week on week... so we are always waiting to see if we get back to the person that we were before 'it' happened...

Things do get better over time, it is just the length of time it can take that varies for us all and which can be frustrating and difficult to see at first (and we also have different symptoms/disabilities to overcome).

The great thing is that we have this site to come to; to chat to others who are 'in the know', and we can have a rant and moan about our situations and difficulties, and we can get some answers, suggestions and guidance from others as to how we can overcome these difficulties. Or we can just get the validation we need for how we are feeling, which can in turn help us to move on.

Kel x

[Winb143]

Carl,

I agree with Kel....perhaps you could/should just say to Wife and Daughter..Don't think me rude but I need a rest give me 15 mins or however long you need........

They will understand.......when we were children we used to have a sleep in afternoon..so why not after a bang

in our brain....lol.

Keep smiling and rambling Carl

Regards

WinB143 xx

Edited April 18, 2012 by Winb143

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Carl,

the glasses analogy is very good. I often wish that there were obvious physical symptoms that others could see so they would be more understanding. Apart from when I am so tired I stagger and muddle my words there are no obvious symtoms but the cognitive problems are always there - I just look thick when I'm not tired!

I have learnt that acceptance is a long process especially for those of us who refuse to give in to this and are fiercely determined to be how we were before. You can't make acceptance happen, it just does eventually when you have reached the point where you know that no matter how hard you try, it just hasn't got there. For me this took over 3 years. I also know what you mean about not responding to questions - sometimes I am just too tired, too fed up or too upset inside to respond. All I can do is reassure my family (after the event) that I am not being deliberately rude, I just really cannot respond at that time. After all this time, they do get it but it doesn't stop them being annoyed with me at the time. Not as annoyed as I get if they keep pushing though!!! You may not be able to change that behaviour but it is important that they understand it is NOT rudeness or disrespect towards them.

One issue that keeps raising it's ugly head for me is in supermarkets. I can't think, count money etc, etc if someone is talking at me. My ex husband is kind enough to take me shopping regularly as I am not allowed to drive & can't carry the food home on foot. Even now, nearly 4 years later, he'll start talking at me when I'm trying to work out cheese, meat etc, when I don't answer he'll often say 'I'll just **** off then shall I'? I'd love to reply 'yes, please do' but if I could figure out that response, I could answer what ever his original question was. Yes, people get annoyed and frustrated but they have to learn to understand too and even when they do, there are moments when they are just fed up with the new you.

Your posts are always very positive & your humour is intact, both of these things will take you a long way in your recovery.

Michelle x

[DawnS]

Hi Carl,

I like what you are saying here. I think I would like a badge or something that says 'please don't rush me I have a brain injury'. I really want to accept the new me, but it's just not happening yet. Maybe one day I'll stop striving to be 'me' and realise that I am me actually.

As for supermarkets, they should come with a health warning. And 'child-proof' lids should actually be called 'brain injury proof'. And when did bras get so complicated?

[Sandi K]

Dawn, no kidding!! In Hawaii I had three sales women at a Victoria's Secret helping me with the blasted bras. It took all my energy to get there but because we don't have that store at home and my size has gone down I wanted to get my bras regardless of how tired I was! They were all very helpful and I'm well stocked up now.

Carl, Its a constant pet peeve of mine: but you look great! What the heck does that mean anyway. You look great so you can't be ill. You look great so must be mistaken. You look great so you must be lying. What the heck. And how do we respond? But you look great! Oh, ok then! Nevermind! Geez.

Michelle, I can't be distracted and focus either. I was at the teller in the bank today paying the US Visa. On one side of me was a husband with a teller. On the other side of me was his wife. I'm trying to pay my bill and they are talking about their finances!!!!!!!!! the teller was asking me questions and I could not respond. I couldn't understand or take in what she was saying. I finally gave snake eye to the husband and then the wife and they both finally shut up. I'm still fuming! this snake eye by the way is another post-SAH behavior.

Sandi K.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Sandi K

[goldfish.girl]

Dawn, my child opens his child proof medicine bottle for me I just count how many spoons he takes now....

Sandi - bras??? I have given up, I don't have the patience or the social skills to tolerate the measuring procedure accompanied by banal cheerful chit chat & just wear the 4 boobs look The snake eye is fabulous, called the evil eye here, it seems to work and saves you swearing out loud at people

Just remembered, Sally made me do the evil eye at the monitors in the clinic - it's not just a look but a brain experience

Michelle x

Edited April 18, 2012 by goldfish.girl

[MaryB]

Carl, Your words were wise and well written. I do not think you have to really respond to not responding! They already get it! LOL Ok, that is how I really feel but I ignore people too. I think somtime you can just say when you are not shutting down that you appreciate their patience with your " shut down time". I think I was that way prior to SAH. Lord knows we have been married long enough here that we just ignore each other all the time here and it is A OK but we are rude Americans.

I find I lose patience when trying to spell and write. I was just read the paragraph above and it made no sense as I left out full key words. I just want someone to read everything and write for me. PLUS read my mind. Even when someone is telling me the date, or how to spell I cannot get the words in the right order and I get so frustrated by it. AND by there reaction having to keep repeating. I recall answering the phone at work and he was a new client- something that I don't usually do but we all know how to make an appt for someone. He spelled his name several times which was Woolever- which is funny as it is close to the spelling of my last name but I could not hear or understand the letter W so I made his appointment for Mr. Ooolever. I told the receptionist I was sorry but I could not ask him again how to spell his name. I just could not do a "W".

I wish I cuold accept this as the new me but I am not satisfied with my limitations which is funny as I was not happy about them prior tpo SAH either. I know I can do better with my "limits and the new me" atttitude but it is exhausting. I guess it is because I look "so good, you cannot even tell". I find havin gto tell people over and over the about my limits like I cannot just do dishes or get dressed mindlessly anymore everything I do goes through an aware thought process. I wonder if I can ever just jump up out of bed and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt again. It just does not work that way for me anymore. It just makes me so tired to have to tell someone that and to be that way still.

I know I should be more inspiring but I can't muscle up the energy. I know I am not a lazy person and people would never describe me that way but I am getting lazy.

PS I hate supermarkets too. I wish I could just stay home and be a housewife- I hear in America that is a "real" job! We all lead such more busy adn complicated lives now. I have been wanting one of the Office Max EASY BUTTONS for a long time.

[Teechur]

I'm a teacher. We have to master the snake eye or they won't let us graduate. There's that and the "teacher voice" which literally chills blood in the veins and makes the heart skip not one, but two beats.

Isn't it funny how "You look so good" isn't really a compliment right now? I know it isn't intended that way, but it feels like it's dismissive. "If I can decide with my eyes that you're okay, then I don't have to deal with you or try to have empathy any more." Obviously not everyone feels that way. I am blessed to teach at a tech school where there are nursing and medical assisting teachers (who are nurses and MAs themselves) so they get what I'm going through and have never been dismissive. The fashion merchandising teacher was funny, though. Somehow in her mind because I was dressed cute and had a cute pink walker and was walking "faster" than she expected, i was fine!

Ah well. Love them for who they are not who they aren't.

Had a short little nap and am back in the world of the living for awhile.

[goldfish.girl]

Wow!!!

I think 'house wife' sounds like my dream job! You have to be the stay at home person while someone else earns a full time wage I think? Yep, I could do that too, would be a lovely break from being sole provider, sole care giver etc, etc.....

[Teechur]

I've tried to convince my husband I should be a stay at home dog mom, but he doesn't seem to understand how much the dogs NEED me.

[amexdm]

Hey,

Carl your ramblings were interesting and very true. Ramble on!

bet you're good at the snake eye Teechur and i for one think the dogs really NEEEEEED you.

Another new term is the "stink eye" which is what my wife calls it because my dog used to give it to us and he stinks lol!

I often give the snake eye to people at the grocery store writing a check for $2.00!

David