Can I talk about sex and SAHs here?

[rampmama]

I think this is probably a topic that lots of us have had some fear over post SAH. Or I could just be sticking my neck out.

Anyhow, I don't want to bring this up to solicit anything that would be inappropriate on the site, but I think it is something that is worth mentioning here.

So without details... How did everyone cope with this after the haemorrhage? I personally experienced a large amount of fear since my bleed was brought on during sex. I was terrified after I was released from the hospital. And the number of times I had to explain to the members of my hospital team. How embarassing! Even the cute paramedics that transferred me from one hospital to the other. Arrghh. I am blushing right now just thinking about the conversation.

I just want to bring it up because I think it is an important part of relationships and recovery. And I can't be the only one feeling this way.

Linda

[Karen]

Hi Linda,

No problems, go for it!.....but I've moved this topic to SAH discussion.

I'm sure that there are a few of the guys here that would be able to help you out. No need to be embarrassed, you're the first person on the site brave enough to open up a discussion and we all know now that sex triggers a rise in blood pressure that can set off a SAH. It's a valid discussion and shouldn't be kept hidden because of the embarrassment factor. I'm sure that anybody that's not comfortable with using these message boards to discuss this subject, can communicate by private messaging.

Well done Linda for being brave and I'm sure that it will encourage others to open up about it and reveal their own feelings.

[andyp]

Hi-well you are very brave to mention this subject..Coincidentally It happened to me just after making love..and yes ..that is quite a hurdle to get over..so to speak!!

I found it a bit embarassing when one of the consultants brought a gaggle of 12 students around to my bed on the ward and asked me to explain exactly what happened!

I was assured that due to the type of bleed I had that it was unlikely to recurr..never the less I was very wary..but at some point I felt I needed to test things out!!..it was probably 6 months later though..and I threw caution to the wind....phew..and all was fine!

I have to say that my sex drive has diminished..possibly due to the whole incident or maybe cos I am 47..who knows????

I am not sure what the cause of your bleed was or what they told you..but it is relatively common...and it does of course raise your blood pressure!! ..Along with many other sports!!

I think a lot of people won't own up to it..but well done!

If you have been sorted with coiling or you had a bleed with no cause found...then I am sure it will be ok..subject to anything the medics told you.

All the best for now

Andy P

xxx

[Guest Firefly]

You should not be embarrased to ask anything, this is how we learn!! I had a rupture almost 2 years ago and my love life has not been the same since!! What we have gone through is as mental as it is physical!! It is natural to have fears and questions. I take a valium before sex and it helps me relax a lot more. I am 47 now and it is so hard becasue poor hubby is in his prime!!! Poor guy, but he has been very, very patient!! Does anyone know anything else that helps the "mood", for women??

I have gained a lot of weight since my surgeries that I am very unhappy with my body, which doesn't help! I am trying to lose weight but, the med's. I am on are not helping!! Thank God it is warming up and I can go out and work in the yard a little!! It is just my self image that makes it worst for me!! He says he doesn't care, he loves me for me and told me I was too skinny before????

I know that this is a subject most don't want to talk about but, we need that in our lives too!!

Hope we get some good tips!! Love Tricia

[rampmama]

I knew I wasn't the only one with the fear. I feel better now.

This is just such a huge concern for me. The other night during sex I catually decided that if there was one thing that kills me, Sex wouldn't be a bad way to go so I threw caution to the wind, but still having death in your mind is a bit of a mood killer.

And yes my doc brought in a ton of students and asked how it all happened. How embarassing! But not as bad as when my mother-in-law asked. My hubby was horified!

Oh well we are all adults here and so were my docs.

[Guest dirtypunk1970]

I took half a viagra once. My boyfriend took the other half, and it was really good for both of us, but this was before the haemorrhage, not sure it's such a good idea now, though

[Guest Firefly]

You should talk to your Dr. about getting some valium or something, it does help!! Helps me a lot!!

I wish they would make something for women!!

:? There are so many things that we think about and go through as we heal! That is what makes talking to others who are going through the same thing so nice!! We are all going through similar things, together. Every "Annie" is different! So are all of us!! All Dr's have their own opinions on how to repair...

It is my observation after all of my reading & research: weather it is a stenting & coiling or clipping we seem to have many similar effects. Also about the same healing time??? Depending on where it is...

We are still dealing with an anuerysm or stroke!! It is most helpful to talk about things to work through them!! We all find our own way to deal with this!! Some of us take a little longer than others due to the severity of injury?? Some times it takes medications to help!! You could prob. call the Dr's nurse and they will call something in for you??

We may not be Dr's but, there are not too many Dr's who that know how we feel!! Unless they have had one themselves! We know how it feels, all the changes, emotions, fears and ongoing symptoms we go through!! Dr's can't begin to understand what our lives are like when we go home! Many people do not understand, family, friends... They all try to help and make suggestions and I really appreciate it! But, sometimes I feel like they are treating me like a child?? Then there is the famous qoute from everyone I see: "You look great"!! I know people do not know what to say to us, but it gets better in time! You can't let it bother you! You do what you need and want to do in your heart!

I am almost 2 years post rupture. I had complications, so I still have many hurtles and I am going to make it over every one!! I could not have done it without my support groups! So helpful, the people all seem so nice here! I am so glad I found this site!

I know this is a lot to absorb, esp. in the begining!! :? That is why we are here! To support each other and teach each other!! God bless you and I hope you find the answers you need!

When was your "Annie"? Time is usually what it takes to heal!! The brain heals slowly. You should eat good, drink plenty of water, get a lot of sleep, don't over strain or lift to much... you have to give your body and your mind time to accept the impact! Don't ever be afraid to ask questions!!

Remember that we are survivors!!

Take care and I will keep you in my prayers! Tricia

[rampmama]

My annie was Mar 13/ 07 so I am only 33 days old. I ended up having my hubby drive me to emergency where I convinced people I was in pain. My doc informed me my bleed last only for a few seconds so I was lucky.

I had a clip and a new haircut at 8:30 am on the 14th and an angio revealed my annie was still filling so they sent me for some coils in the 3 mm that was left on Mar 23. So for the most part I am still very young and tired.

So does valium really help? And how? Are you able to have an orgasm or are you too groggy?

[Skippy]

Hey Linda

Yep mine happened just after making love too and my sex life is only now - 8 months on - getting back on track. My husband was just as scared as I was.

Do you live in the UK? My story is in Love it! magazine this week (out today) and i was terrified of sex for ages after. I totally sympathis with you.

Sami xxx

[rampmama]

I live in Canada. I think my husband is just getting impatient. Last night after having sex he just said we need to get back on schedule. i.e. more sex. When I said I was scared cause I didn't want to die, which deep down, I know is not going to happen. He just laughed ans said that wouldn't happen.

I know my annie is fixed and is not a worry, but I still have this fear. It's really not rational at all.

Linda

[Karen]

Linda,

You only had your SAH in March .... think that you're going to have to sit down and talk to your husband about your fears and anxieties......a lot of SAH'ers go off of sex/have a low libido after a SAH anyway.....due to tiredness etc and to be honest, with me, it was the last thing that was on my mind.....and my SAH wasn't even triggered after having sex.

Sami, is probably one of the best people here that can help you out....but I would say that you really need to sit and talk to your Husband.....it takes quite a while to get back into normal relations without having your anxiety about sex. You aren't abnormal to feel this way and your husband is going to have be patient .... without going into detail, there are other things that you can do to be intimate. Linda, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

[Guest Firefly]

I know that it is hard for a lot of people to talk about, but I am 47, had a hysterectomy at 34. So, sex has been an issue for me for a long time!! I have had several other surgeries and am a firefighter so nothing bothers me anymore!!!! But, my hubby has been very patient!!! Although over the last 2 years since my rupture he has had some LONG stretches!! I try to talk to him about it and tell him I miss it as much as he does!! But, there are just days we CAN"T!! I take valium to help the stress and relax me!! It works most of the time!! My hubby works about 18 / 24 hour shifts a month on the ambulance. It doesn't leave much time, then he has to do things around here and get some sleep in between. I sleep a lot right now so time is a issue for us too!! Poor guy is always working. He is grocery shopping right now, he just got off at 8am and he is on call. I think he has to go back in to fill in at 5pm to fill in for someone until 8am again??? :? I don't know how he does it?? He takes very good care of me!! He is my HERO!!

I have tried everything else the gyn could provide. Talk to your Dr. about it!! I do!! There is nothing wrong with talking about this, it is a VERY important part of a relationships!!! I would like to know what things women have tried for their Dr's?? I hope we can help each other!! Since I went off Plavix, I am going to ask my Dr. if I can drink 1 glass of red wine, it is supposed to be good for you!! Can't hurt the mood either!! Anybody know of anything else that helps?? CHOCOLATE!!!!

I will talk to you soon, good topic!! Love Tricia

[Skippy]

Hey there

If I were you, like Karen says, I'd have a long talk with him. There are plenty of things that being an SAH sufferer we'd all like to get back on schedule and sex isn't top of the priority list. My husband is very patient and very understanding of the situation we both find ourselves in. He was just as scared as I was at first. Patience is a virtue (so I'm told ) He shouldn't just be dismissing your fears. Is there anything that he's scared of? If so, tell him not to be so silly about that!! One of the side effects associated with this is a lack of libido - again relating the chemical imbalance in the brain that an SAh causes - so my Neuro guy reliably informs me.

If you want to you can private message me your address and I'll send you a copy of the article that has been published about my experience and you can show it to him.

Get yourself mentally and physically fit first - think of number one and just tell him that he will have to be patient. Sex is a two way street and if you're not enjoying it because you're too scared, how can that possibly be fair on you sweetie?

You can private message me with anything you want if you want it to remain private.

Take care

Sami xxx

[Karen]

Hi Ladies,

Sami, I agree, sex is only good if you are both enjoying it..Linda you are in the "infancy" stages of recovery and there's a lot of issues to deal with before you even get down to dealing with the sexual side.

Linda, hope that you will private message Sami and read her article, as it will give you some insight into her journey. There isn't a quick fix to this and being patient is the key. Sami has a very understanding partner, I know that's not always the case for some of us, but you need to express the way that you feel and don't be pressurised.

I'm thinking about setting up a new forum for relationships etc post SAH....does anybody else think that this is a good idea?

[andyp]

Hi Karen-yes-I think it is a great idea to set up this thread-I think that an event like an SAH can and probably does change your relationship-It can go either way though.

Back to the sex thing-Linda you are at an incredibly early stage in the recovery process and you really don't need to be pressurised like that.

Your other half really doesn't understand what you have experienced but some of us on this site have an inkling .

I couldn't contemplate the thought of sex for ages!

I have never told anyone in our family how it happened either!

I think like Sami said you need to have a heart to heart about it with your chap.

All the best

Andy P

[rince]

From a male point of view my SAH had very little to do with sex, although I have a highish sex drive. Restarting "normal" relations was more difficult for my wife than for me as I didn't really associate SAH with sex, difficult for those whose SAH was finally triggered by sex I know.

Positions have been the main stumbling point for me as I suffered a "regular" stroke during coiling and although like everyone else you wouldn't know it to look at me I have severe problems with my right hand side. What I will say is that it could be the starting point to "fall" for your partner all over again as you have to re-examine EVERYTHING even down to the basic mechanics. My relationship with my wife has undergone a complete sea change in all departments. I can understand why I hear about so many people having major relationship problems after SAH as EVERYTHING (again with the capitals) changes after...... Then again as we all know you find out who your real friends are afterwards maybe you find out just how strong your relationship is.

Cheers

Scott

[Guest Firefly]

This was a great post!! I am glad to see everyone talking about it!! We have all had to make major changes in our lives due to this. It is very hard for our spouses to understand unless we explain things to them. All relationships go through a major change when something like this happens!! And I agree, you definately find out how truly strong a relationship is when this happens! I am very lucky to have a awesome husband who has taken great care of me!!! I am trying to get back into the flow of things, and he has been very patient!! It helps to work together and come up with ways to make it more comfortable and no distractions... I know it can be hard to do but, well worth the work you put into it! Just try talking to them if you are having problems, you can get through it together!! Writing letters from the heart has been helpful for me also. Sometimes it is hard to put things into the words you want, as you are talking. A letter can be changed as many times as you want, until it is what you truly want to say!

Many of us have disabilities that make it all that more difficult. At first it was depressing for me but, now we find it "amusing" and actually laugh and lightens the mood!

It is all about communication and dedication!! It does get better in time!

We just celebrated our 20th Anniversary the 18th, so we have had a great long time together!! He is still my best friend, that makes it a little easier for us! I take valiums to help relax me and it really helps! Wish they would make something for women!!

Remember that life is only as good as the blood, sweat and tears we put into it!! It is too short not to get all you can out of it!! No one said life was easy or fair, but we have survived and we know the true meaning of what is important!! Faith, love & understanding go a long way!!!!

God bless you all and good luck with the labido!!! Love Tricia

[Guest eyeball]

i also had my sah during sex and was terrified when i first came home i was a bit of a prude anyway but a few months later i totaly changed and my sex life is wonderful i am 46 and i am determined i am going to have the best possible life i can with my great hubby who by the way is 18 years younger than me , i dont care what anyone thinks we have been together 8 years and have a lovely 4 year old to him , our life has really improved since sah he has been my rock , i did fear having sex but not any more though i also think when i came home the way you look at things are totaly different first i wasnt in control of my thoughts and my actions it scared me because the change was massive and family could see that but its all good and im more in control now than ever . love eye x

[rince]

The whole thing about relationships is that they can evolve and change over a period of time, but a SAH means that lots of things have to change at the same time. I went from running a telecoms business to being unemployable, whilst my wife went straight to being the major breadwinner. I went from a part time Dad to being a major part in my sons' everyday lives (wonderful) and my Sarah went from being a social recluse (I was working virtually every hour God sent) to having a varied and active social life. As I've said elsewhere not everything that the SAH has done to us is negative, there are a lot of positives there and we need to be sure that we realise that if we are lucky enough to have a loving partner that we don't forget them.

Scott

[Slim]

Hi Guys

Yep sex was also an issue for us. I was extremely frightened about having an Orgasm thinking that I might burst another blood vessel. The first time was very emotional but confidence has definitely build with time.

We are now 6months in and things definitely well on their way but not 100% back on track. Realistically sex is not a priority when I am trying to fight fatigue and conserve energy to get me through the day.

Although its not a priority i think its an important part of any relationship. I think it always best to be open and honest and let your partner know how you are feeling.

Great Thread. Thanks

Aine

[Skippy]

Hey guys

Yep, so glad this thread has been started. As you all know my SAH occurred just after Paul and I has made love and when I got home it wasn't something that was on either of our minds. When we did try for the first time after (depsite what that ****** magazine says!!) he was very understanding and just as scared as I was that it would happen again. Like you Aine, it wasn't top of my "to do" list and I also had to conserve energy to get me through the day and would often be asleep by ten o clock at night anyway. Paul has been wonderful and a great support and has lots of understanding. He knows that I will initiate sex now when I feel ready and sa he's been working long hours for a couple of weeks its not been an issue anyway.

I remember just after this all happened and my emotions were still raw, Scott, I did fall in love with him all over again. We've been together 12 years in June and he's my rock, my soul mate and definitely my best friend. I am definitely calmer than I was before my SAH and thats mainly now I open up and tell him how I feel about things rather than bottling them up for fear of hurting him or whatever - he actually appreciates the fact that openly cry now instead of getting angry and frustrated.

As they day, everything happens for a reason, and while this isn't, and I dare say never will be, the best the thing thats happened to me- its certainly made me a different and better person.

Just remember what they say - Love conquers all.

TTFN

Sami xxx

[Guest Wendy]

can i just say how brave you are admitting to consultants how you had your SAH. I wasnt as brave and told mine i had lifted a box theres no way could i admit what i was doing when the bleed occured. But you could say it was mind blowing lol

[Karen]

Hi,

It would be quite interesting to know the percentage of SAH's that are brought on through sex .... I thought that it would be quite a low number, but seeing how many people have posted here, it's obviously more common than I thought.

Like Wendy says, well done guys for talking about it.

[Guest patacake]

Hi Everyone,

I am a Behindthegray virgin although I have put our story on the website. I omitted to say that my darling husband, Brian, had his SAH's after sex, but the truth will out, as they say.

Brian has had 3 big SAH's each after sex...he thinks I am trying to see him off!!!

Seriously though, Brian had his first SAH in Feb. 1983 (Yes, 1983) during sex. I was not embarrassed to tell the doctors or anybody for that matter. It is just a fact that it is quite common for it to happen such a time. We were both apprehensive about having sex again and after a discussion with our doctor Brian decided to 'go for it' and we started to have sex again. This was about 9 months in November 1983.

Normal service was resumed in our marital bed, thank goodness.

We have continued to enjoy a normal and fulfilling sex life even though Brian has had further SAHs.

Brian is approaching 71 and I will be 61 this year and sex is still a big part of our lives, not just for the sex but also for the closeness and tenderness of just being together that we experience.

It goes to prove that there is life in the old dog yet.

Brian says that he does not think about SAH's and if he has another then that is how it will be.

We know how fortunate we are to have each other, we discuss our feelings, good or bad, and understand each others needs and requirements.

If you love your partner you will overcome any hurdle.

[andyp]

Phew..I am not sure what to say on this one!!!!

Having had an SAH for me during sex at the age of 45 was an issue-things haven't quite been the same since!

If I had 3 such occurences I think I would have become a tibetan monk by now!

I understand that you may not have minded telling the doc..but what about poor Brian??? (got to be careful there..or i could have spelt Brain!!)

Did he mind?

Fair play to you both still being sexually active I have to admire that.

How old was Brian when you had the 2nd and 3rd ones..and..If you don't mind me asking were you doing anything extra strenuous?

It's good that you both are clearly still very much in love and this has not been a barrier to either of you.

best Wishes

Andy P