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Hello: I apologize for being absent but havent had alot of energy to contribute. Macca- I wish you well in your return. We're in this together. I know it is hard for you so be as strong as you can Sandi- Thanks for all your wishes and I know this is a hard time for you. Can't imagine job being posted. I hope they find a good spot for you to make you happy. I have until September to make it. I'm gonna try. Now probably not a good time to show weakness or doubt at work. I don't think they are unwilling to work with me but we have summer hours now so it's 36 hours for everybody. Just 36 a bit much for a brain patient at the moment. Thanks to all for the thoughts and we'll get thu this. Regards, David

Hello all: Thanks to everyone for responding. The response is overwhelming and everyone has some excellent ideas. You'll be happy to know that when I ask for advice, I take it. I have an appt with the Pain Clinic tomorrow. I will ask about Amitrypteline?? as I have heard it works. May cause tiredness but oh well, how much more tired can I be? Short work history- I work for a small company (40 people)for 3 years. It is 10 minutes (4 miles from my house). They like me and I love them. many friends. I work as a Help Desk Support for a 401k retirement company. Some days are very busy and hard. Some days are slower and easier. But a hard day combined with my bad health is debilitating. My dept is only two people so if I miss work it's 50% of the dept.I have a small pension from another company and 15 more years to work. Alot to lose. And alot to gain! I will get in to see my GP next week although not super confident with him. Do need a physical and want blood test for liver with all these meds. Otherwise rest this weekend. i want to respond to EVERYBODY: Macca- We can cry together. I am not afraid. It was good to get it out. i know you are in a similar situation and if I can help in any way, please ask. Like the car analogy. I say I'm a car with a quarter tank of gas and run out about 3pm Maybe the song of the day is "Shattered" by Rolling Stones Win, dear Windy-Not to worry, I will be fine. Your spirit and humor keep me going. I'm too tired to throw vases but I'll be back singing with you in no time. Lulu gonna hit me with her shoe tho Gill- Not so much the strong silent type as much as don't like to complain. It took a lot for me to write this. I will go see my GP! Lisa- Good advice. Apt at Pain Clinic tomorrow- see what they can do. Getting rid of pain should help me physically- like the outside the box thinking Sandi-You sent me enough spoons to respond to this. Tough not being able to see the light at end of tunnel. Hope its not an oncoming train! My work has been great. They have allowed me to make my own schedule to some degree. But I work in a 2 person dept so if i'm out then there goes 50% of the dept. I'm gonna try and make it thru the summer with our summer hours but if not then I may try and ask for a couple weeks off w/out pay. They like and care about me and i think it is possible. It is a small company of 40 people. Mary- I know you and I are in the same boat in some ways with work and insurance. Thank you for your love and support. You inspire me and make me want to keep fighting. I never have two good days so know what you mean. two bad days are tough GG- Got your PM, will respond shortly. thank you. Did you get my message on the back to work thread about becoming a counselor? I am serious, you are wonderful Rhiannon- ty for your kind words, going to the doc tomorrow. Dont really have Occu Health here, but some similar things- that is on my radar for next month Winter- you're such a sweet person. I hope the best for you. I have been following you in the Green Room but no energy to repsond. I hope the govt takes care of you. As you know in the States, it's 6 month wait for disability and then you get denied and have to appeal. That is down the road for me but I hope not to need it. Last but not least, the lovely Lulu Belle. Did you bring your frock to this party? New shoes? You are irreplaceable, unique and an angel. Well maybe not angel cause frock ummm errr. Win, Sarah throwing shoes at me, David ducks and says bring it on Sassy Lou! You all mean so much to me and give me the will to fight on. I will prove the doubters wrong and make this work. I may have lost this battle but not the next. Thank you all for listening, David

Hello folks: I am seem to be headed down a dead end road. I am working 36 hours a week and not getting any better. I took a 4 day weekend and thought that would help. I felt ok while I was off but yesterday back at work was not a good one. At 4:53 pm (I get off at 5) the world overcame me and I started to cry and realize that I may never get better. Fortunately it was the end of the day. I cried on the drive home and could barely see the road. I got home and my wife was great with me. But I'm not sure where to turn next. Today I feel 40% but came to work anyway. Reducing my hourss is not an option at this time. I will probably give it til September. At that point I guess I will have to check in to disability. I may or may not qualify. I have had a headache for 294 straight days. My legs are weak and my feet hurt terribly. I am pain 24 hours a day. The only time I feel "normal" is when I take a pain pill. I only take them when needed and feel gulity and usually suffer until 6pm. I am existing, not living. I know I should be grateful to be alive but then what kind of life is this? Not sure a psychologist would help. Already on anti-d. Psychologist would tell me I'm sick. I know I'm sick. I know I've suffered loss. I accept it. I know I may not get better. I accept it. Just not sure I wanna live it. I know you guys will understand. Thanks. David

Hello All: Am up in Northern Michigan with my wife for our anniversary. Just popped on the hotel computer while she is napping. Alot going on with folks I see. Sandi- I know it's hard for you but like you said in the long run you may wonder what all the worry about. As I get older I try and look at the big picture and future and it seems to help. You have tried your best. Macca- Yes our stories sound very similar. I hope you are getting the rest you need. I am plodding on at 36 hours a week and it is definitely a fight. Rhiannon- we haven't met but I think patience will be key for you. It akes time to heal, and much longer than we all thought it would GG- As always, you have the right words. I think you should be a brain injury counselor/Life Coach. I mean that seriously. You should check in to becoming a counselor of some kind. You are caring, empathetic, and express yourself extremely well. And you have experience. It would not be so taxing physically and you would be helping others. Sandi and I will be your first customers. Orange Carp Consultants?? the lovely Lulu- I know you are trying so hard, don't give up yet. You are strong and have been thru so much. You can get thru this too. Are my cheering up skills that bad? As for me, I made it thru my 36 hours this week. Thursday was rough. I got dizzy and heavy legs again. Went home and BP was 160/115 pulse 112. But I laid down, took some pain medication and rested. I find the ironic thing is just when I get to my breaking point of fatigue, when I feel like I can't go on, can't do it, wanna quit, about 4pm I go home, have dinner and lay down and I'm somewhat OK again. What this tells me is I may have just enough gas in the tank to get thru the work day, come home have dinner and then rest. But if thats what i have to do for now, so be it until I get better. My job and future with the company are too good right now to give up. I have 4 days off and I am going to rest, rest, rest. Sorry if I missed anyone. Hope everyone is well, Get well, David

Hello, Lisa I agree with Mary. It is early in your recovery. I felt EXACTLY the same way at 4 months and it was also Christmas. Talk about depressed. The good news Lisa is that the passion will come back. I am at 9 1/2 months and my passion for life is back. I want to golf and plant my garden and all summer things. I just don't have as much energy as I would like but the passion is back. The doctor told me it takes 6 months to get over a major loss in life. You're at 4 months. So it will come back. I'm sure the fine folks that follow me on this thread can offer opinions as well but I'll bet they'll be positive. Regards, David

Hi Kris, You, I and everyone are going through a loss. The loss of our former self. Its ok to be angry. It's ok to cry. But try to understand why you are angry and then try and get through it with the help of others. Perhaps your doctors have already told you these. There are 5 stages of grief;Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. They normally apply to the loss of something. It could be a pet, a family member, parent, marriage and in our case loss of our former self as we know it. I went through the loss of both of my parents in the last few years and it was hard but it was important to understand loss/grief. I miss and think about them every day but I have come to accept their loss. You can search for it online and find many good articles. I have read them and they have helped. Its ok to feel as you do and there is no time frame for the stages, everyone is different. I hope this helps, it helped me. Take it slow, you are early in your recovery. much love and hugs. David xxxx

Hello Sally, We're with you all the way. Not sure what EAS is but in the States they have whats called disability or SSI. You can be paid if you are permanently disabled bit it is a paltry income. 50% of your normal wage. And you have to be disabled 6 months before you can even APPLY. I'd starve to death in 6 months. No guarnatee that an SAH will qualify either. So I work and it's hard but I do it. Win is right, you will need lots of help at home. You can read the Back to Work thread if you need help or support. Good luck Sally, David

Hi All: Just a quick update to work. This is my 2nd week of working 4 full timedays and Wednesdays 12-5. I'm making it but barely. Yesterday was tired and felt I was near the end, hit the wall, end of rope whatever you want to call it. Through the grace of Sarah Lou, she pulled me off the pavement and picked me back up. TY Lulu. She knows she is appreciated. I am going to try and press on and hope that my body gets used to the increased hours. My gut feeling is that I'll make it abd I can do it but I need to prepare if I can't. I guess I should go see my GP and see if he has any ideas or referrals. But I think it's been well documented that there isnt really a cure for fatigue so not sure what he can do. With all that being said, I guess my question is has anyone been told that by pressing on that thier risking their health seriuously? I asked my neurosurgeon directly that if I push myself and work to the point of total exhaustion, am I risking heart attack, stroke etc. His answer was no. But he also told me I'd be fine in a month so ehhhhhh wrong. Just venting sorry. David

Hello, I'll have to start my own thread. FAT and active people who have had an SAH. I am active but a little overweight and being fatigued all the time certainly doesnt help. All I can do is work and go home and die in my bed. I hope someday to be better. Until then, keeping my job and income will be most important. Kris, let us know how the neuro psych went I am considering going myself. Thanks, David

Hi Cath, Try not too worry too much. The MRI you lay flat and there alot of noises around your head. Don't go in there with a headache. I had one 2 months ago after work and head was pounding. The angiogram is a little weird as they usually are injecting dye. You may feel some tingling in your face but they warn you. I was nervous too but afterwards it was no big deal. If you tell them you're nervous they're usually nicer to you. If the angio is negative you'll be happy too. Good luck. David.

Hi all: Thats a good idea in theory Sandi. Except her house is dirty, her toilet is black and she lives in a bad neighborhood. Thats why she comes to our house! Wish she'd move to China. Mary-Good points also. We've had "the talk" several times. My wife supports me and doesnt like it either. In fact, the day my sister in law was supposed to check in on me after my SAH as I said I ended up going back to the hospital. My wife was so mad and said she'd never speak to her sister again. She didnt call her for 3 months. But then the doctors told my wife she had ovarian cancer (which she didnt) so my wife felt the need to tell her. She didnt help with my wife's surgery either. I had to rescue my wife from the market in pain on the day her sister took the day off to get her hair done. Some people just don't "get it". Unfortunately I'm stuck with it. But she'll screw up again. And that might be it. Enough of the negativity, how is everyone's work week going? Good day today but Mondays are usually good. 4 day weekend in end of May. Can't wait. Thanks, David

Hello: You all are so kind. And smart Jess- Thanks for the reply, I have no time in my life for negative people and I know you don't either Louise- Yes you have to put your foot down sometimes. On Easter Sunday, they were on the computer which is in my bedroom shopping for shoes with the dog chewing a big bone on my floor. With noises being loud to me it felt like the dog was CHEWING MY BRAIN. So I nicely asked them to leave. Of course she got mad. Oh well Win- I usually retreat to the bedroom and rest but then she gets mad and thinks I'm being a rude host. I didnt invite her, she invited herself! Sami- You are eloquent as always. You should be in politics. I have always been nice to her and she is just an evil person. This is only the half of it of course. Thanks all, David

Hello, Didn't want to hijack the other similar thread. My problem is similar but not. I have a sister in law who drives me nuts. Bear with me. She comes over every Sunday and wants to hang out at my house. It is my wife's sister. We have never gotten along well but I have always been polite and cordial with her. She is 51 and never been married. She has no friends. She is a negative miserable person. She has not dated in 30 years but wants to give us marraige advice. She wants to come over every Saturday or Sunday and "hang out" in my house. I work 36 hours a week and spend the weekends in bed or resting until I recover from this SAH. She brings her dog over. I like dogs. But he doesnt do anything. And he gets in to the garbage and has no manners. Not to mention he passes gas and it smells up the whole house. My wife feels sorry for her because she is alone. But my wife doesn't really want her there either. Now this is the sister in law who my wife asked to look in after me 3 weeks after my SAH while my wife was at work. The sister in law said "he's not my family" and didnt want to bother with traffic. Ironically I ended up going back to the hopsital that day with blood pressure at 180/120. Funny my brother invites her to Xmas every year because she is a part of our "family". Yesterday I put my foot down and said I needed to rest and didnt want her there. She still came over but my wife and her went out to the dog park. I have let her stay over many times but I'm so sick of it. Any of us SAH'ers imagine an unwanted guest at your house for 6 hours on a Sunday. My wife is afraid to say anything to her and makes me feel guilty about it. I suppose I'm just venting and not much I can do. Sometimes I leave but should I have to leave my own house just to get away. Not my idea of fun. Any thoughts anyone? David

Hello good friends: Today is my 9 month anni-versary. July 30th,2011 a day i will not soon forget. But we are plodding on and still trying to figure things out. Last night as I went to bed I reflected on the last 9 months. I don't remember some of it and most if it seems surreal. It was strange like out of body experience. Still not sure who I am, the old me or the new me but I guess Somewhere in between. But every night I go to bed thankful to be alive and for my wife, family and friends here at BTG. I couldn;t have made it without you. Ironically today was my first full day back at working from 8:30-5. I made it and feel good. So perhaps progress is there. Thanks to the kind folks at BTG for getting me through Regards, David

Hi folks: Been in bed most of the weekend. Work went really well this week. No sick or late time. But it hit me this weekend. Had our furniture delivered yesterday. Love it! But I made a poor decision yesterday to deliver my old furniture to a friend of mine. He is 70 and has no income so I look after him. I brought the old furniture to his house and he put it in the garage. I was rather upset. He has nasty furniture in his living room that people have thrown up, peed on etc.... And he wont get rid of it. i'm burn the damn things. Oh well. On the music subject, I can listen to music sometimes but only in my car at my level. restaurants are nearly impossible. Mags, on the alcohol thing. I haven't had a drink in 5 months. 9 months post SAH like you. In November, I felt pretty good and was having my drinks on Saturday night 3-4 vodka martinis. But since my wife got sick in November, I haven't had any drinks. Right now it just takes too much out of me. I had a beer on Christmas Eve and gave me a huge headache. It just doesnt agree with me at the moment. Had like a three day hangover in November and that was it for me. When I feel better, I will hope to have a drink by the bonfire this summer. Sandy, I hope ur getting some rest. Michelle, I miss our music too but still listen on Youtube occasionally. PM'd you also, thank you for yours. Regards, David XX

Hello, Is there a medication that you say has helped you with your fatigue Janice? Sure would like to know what it is. been in bed all weekend with fatigue and my feet feel like bones. Hope to back contributing next week. David

Hi, Michelle and everryone, This is great thread, thank you for starting and sharing. I would be quite offended if someone said fatigue was "in my head". That is ridiculous and makes me lose respect for doctors. Nine months on, my fatigue kills me and is a 9 out of 10 on most days. I work 36 hours a week so there is little time for good rest. But after reading this thread, I can see that some doctors don't recognize fatigue as a long term affect and that is concerning. Other than running necessary tests, sadly I dont think there is a cure for it. I think some have it worse than others. I can only hope mine gets better over time. Michelle, do you mind if I Pm you on this? Take care all, David xx

Hello, Not real happy today. Yesterday I felt the best I have felt in 3 months. I have been resting and trying to take care of myself. Last nite my wife and I went out to dinner and then shopping for furniture. We had been putting off shopping due to both of our healths. We went in and found a couch, chair and two tables we liked in about 15 minutes. We decided to buy them. It then took the salesman almost two hours to write up our order and finalize the details. He must have asked for my wife's social security number five times and kept asking our phone number to put in the computer. It was hot in there. Needless to say, it friggin wore me out. Sitting in a hot store waiting. Oh, forgot to mention the super bright overhead lights to "showcase" the furniture. My feet hurt and headache. Now have to go to grocery store. One good day in 3 months? Sorry for being negative, just frustrated. Work tomorrow, hope I'll be ok. David

To all my BTG friends: I heard some news today from a friend that I would like to share. A very good friend of mine who I work with told me she wanted to talk to me after work. This is my friend who came and raked my leaves after I got out of the hospital, a great and wonderful person. We were leaving work and she asked me the name of my doctor. I told her the name and asked her why. She said she one of her best friends (who had been praying for me when I was sick) had suffered two brain aneurysms this week and was admitted to the same hospital I was on Wednesday. She is 46 years old, a year younger than me. She was obviously in great danger and they were not sure if she was going to live. She is conscious now and they are monitoring her. My friend went to visit her last night. Her friend is barely conscious but whispered to my co-worker that didn't she have a friend who had an SAH last year? My friend said yes and that he is back to work and doing great. My friend told her sick friend how hard I had been fighting through my illness and was inspirational and her friend said "Then maybe i'll be ok then?" as she's lying in the hospital bed. She had some hope. I was floored. It didn't seem real. I thanked my friend for mentioning me and wished the best for her friend. It is early but I would like to go visit her friend next week if they are kind enough to let me. I cannot take credit for being some inspirational person because I am just trying to regain my life and be there for my wife. However, I can give credit to all the people at Behind the Gray. The administrators, the moderators, and the members who have been so supportive and great friends to me. You have given your time and caring and now you are getting it back. I couldn't have done it without everyone here and now perhaps it is my time to be strong for someone else. Thank you so much for your help. I can cry now and go to bed. Much love, David xx

Hello: I am thankful for the folks at BTG and my wife's health. Win- I have to tell you a story about singing. My father was very sick several years ago and we were told he had 2-4 weeks to live. We had several nurses that would take care of him during the day on the days I had to work. I came home from work one day and his nurse Maria was singing to him. She was singing Ave Maria. As I walked in he started singing with her and it was the most heartwarming thing I have ever seen. He was smiling but so sick. I immediately called the Hopsice (Nurse) Care and asked if we could have Maria be his sole caretaker. They said sure. So Maria and my father sang together for the remaining two weeks of his life and it was neat. So I am thankful for Maria. David xxo

Hello, Michelle- My wife is better, thanks. She went to work today and then just called me and is in pain. I told her not to go back til next week but she didnt listen. She should be ok, she has help at work. How is your wee boy? You are a great mum, be patient with your career, it will come Sami- Felt like I was gonna die today about 3pm. Dizzy nauseous, brain tingling. Then I did some deep breathing and dammed if it didn't work. I made it another day! Win- Thanks for your cheer, yea Wednesdays is my catch up day, And boy do I need it. Carl- It seems like with the grievance that you should be somewhat covered by the union. Your health issues are real. what exactly do they need. I know it's alot of red tape though. Hurry up and wait, right? Oh BTW, in May I because i work full days I get a 45 minute lunch. Out to the car and nap! 30 min not enough. Sandi- Hope you are tying things up and can rest eventually. I need time off but may try and suck it up and use vacation time. SL- Sent you PM, hope your tests go well, take your time and take it easy. One more day til Fri, David

Hey Ryan: Our California connection. Anniv coming up, hope you're feeling better. I used to live in California for 3 years. Lived in Orange County. Mission Viejo, Huntington Beach and Orange. Then moved to Woodland Hills in the West Valley of LA. I loved it there. Never saw a cloud from April to Septmeber, beach etc. My boss and roommate turned out to be an alcoholic so I split and moved back to Michigan. Regards, David

Tory, How's your headache? It sounded like a banger. Do you have something to take to make it better? Are you gonna hopefully get some time off?. 5 weeks ?? is too soon to go back to work for anyone. I would say 3 months for a minor SAH and as much as you need for anything worse. Who am I to talk I just signed up for more hours (only 2) per week but I have to for the money and health insurance for my wife. When you get better you can be my trainer and get my butt in shape. I've lost 20 lbs but more to go. hope you're feeling better. David

Hello, Hi Lisa, Kris, Mary, Louise and nearly headless Tory, I too have thought about therapist but not sure about which kind. PT, neuro psych? Pysch? too much work at the moment. Lisa- How are you feeling? Take it easy whatever you do. I was at Beaumont Hospital in Royal Oak. Good doctors, ok nurse care, terrible aftercare. They never changed my incision and my wife had to give me a bath. Kris- Nice to meet you and and a fellow Michigander! Please let us know how the therapy goes. Your mixed emotions are completely normal and I felt them also early in my recovery. It gets better. Take care everyone, David

You go GG. Fight the tune! Belated Happy Birthday BTW. You guys are right about the TV ads too. I go to be to the radio so that usually works. David