MaryB

I know I am a babbling idiot at times and tend to get off track. But I have been thinking a great deal about “Dancing with the Past”. I have told my story about waking up Sept 16, 2011 on the floor of the bathroom with a horrible electrical painful headache and vomiting. But what makes me who I am and who any of us are today are the events and how we handle them in our past. I feel very safe here in this site. I read the headlines today on CNN and it had a horrible photo of a 9 car/truck pile up with 9 dead in Florida. It made me think more about Dancing…. Past. Which I love to so much I want to write it in script on my wall in marker! In August 2011 shortly before my head thing happened my brother in law (Tedd Laycock) who is one of my most respected people I know was in a similar accident in northern California. He was a retired fireman, 1st responder and fire chief of Riverside City which is a city of over 300,000 people. He had really saved many lives and served his community well as a volunteer. His granddaughter was in Washington State and was going to take the 9 hour drive with her soon to be 3 year old daughter to southern CA for her 3rd birthday. Tedd decided to fly to Washington and drive back with his granddaughter & great granddaughter. On their way there was road construction and the cars were stopped right around a corner where you could not see until you got there. It ended up as a pile up and to make a long story short they along with others were rear ended and their car was one of the ones that burst into flames. Tedd was paralyzed and could not move; luckily they had the car window half way down. He said he was helpless; he turned to look at the baby and knew she had died on impact. The mother was trying to put the fire out on her toddlers hair. Tedd said he suddenly was able to get out the window and fall to the ground. The mother soon followed but the car was engulfed in flames by now. The accident was one of the worst that the responding fire dept. had ever witness. I look back at that day constantly and he gives me strength to be able to keep moving forward. I certainly do not mean to say others are not moving forward etc. this is not about me making any kind judgment of others. This is me telling my story of why I am who I am. I cannot imagine a more horrific situation for an x fireman, 1st responder to be in. It was devastating and my heart broke as did the rest of our family. I ended up going to see them 3 weeks or so after the services, memorials & when he was recovered enough to have time alone with his grief. My sister in law Cindy (my husband’s sister) needed me and we have always been very close and we have a way of making each other laugh, giggle and relax like no one else can. It was right after I came home late on a Wednesday night flight that I had my tooth pulled the next morning and the next day I had my SAH. When I was in California it was such a healing visit for both of them, it gave normalcy to their lives. We were able to just sit and listen to the waves, we laughed & cried. I sat and watched the videos that people took with their cell phones on the internet of the accident with Tedd which no one would do. He needed to figure it out, he had to reconstruct the crime scene so to speak. So for me to this day whatever I think of what he has to live with and how horrible that must be having been a retired lifesaver, watching your granddaughter trying to put the fire out on her baby makes my SAH minor to his story. He also has health issue & head trauma from that day and will never be the same but I sit a little straighter and buck up when I think of my brother in law Tedd Laycock.

Not a Dr. ( only work for a vet) but that sounds more like a clotting factor to me.

Michelle, When I reread the beginning of the post this morning of Dancing with the Past the first thing I got was it was not your birthday. I was thinking "way to go ,MARY!" So sorry. Not as bad as asking when your baby is due when you are not pregnant or when people think I am in my late 60's because I was all gray at 40. ...... but still sorry. I do have a worsening issue with reading things wrong.......letters and words are so mixed up in my mind. I am amazed what I think I read when I look at the Headlines of the News everyday. Last night I was trying to spell "phase" and wrote "fraze". jeez.. Anyway. I love Dancing with Your Past phase so much that I think it should be a name of a book ........letter or post from SAH or about a person in novel. I was already forced to change my life style years ago with fibromylsia although it made me really mad until this happened. I hit it hard when i had energy I paid dearly for it with fatigue and pain and later came the neuro problems that I was unaware of like falling and etc. Now I cannot ever push it. I have to tell myself it was like God was tapping me on my shoulder saying "slow down" because I was going 100% and circles around most people. Then he thought maybe he would get my attention by hitting me in my head with a ball bat. Ok I am listening now for sure. More was taken away from me. I know I am older than most of you I think, but it a way of coping for me. My father was forced in to retirement at 46 and was given 6 months to live when I was only 15 years old. He lived many years by what I believe was his determination of looking at the bright side. I often wonder if I will be able to sit in the yard on my lawn chair with a bag of peanuts and feed the squirrels all day & be content. Probably not but I think I will be able to find something that gives me peace. Once again this BTG site is the best medicine I have right now. It is my strength & give me courage when I need it. It makes it ok to be me ........I reminds me daily like a daily blessing to be where I am right now and not to somewhere else.

I love that......dancing with your past......... Michelle, Happy 40th Birthday.. . One time in my life I would of said I was not proud of some of the crazy wild things I have done.........Now I can sit back and just smile and say "ah screw it", I had a wild great time and it was a blast! I danced on bars, partied all night, I was the last one home and the first one up. It is probably why my head exploded. I grew up in the 70's and had much fun in the early 80's (prior to becoming a mother which settled me right down). I wished I were able to have that kind of fun before the SAH but I knew those days were in my past already. I have great memories and they are just as fun as dancing all night, going to a great rock concert, ( good grief I cannot imagine doing that anymore than riding a rollercoaster at Disneyland), or just plain working hard again. Maybe I am still too new to this recovery. I really thought I would be back to work in a week. September 16th 2011 was so long ago but I still have "projects" from that week I have not finished, chores I was in the middle of etc... My basement is like time stood still. The candles and vases from the outdoor wedding at the bottom of the stairs etc. I now long for the quiet walk up a mountain or trail, a beach that is deserted, a sunny day with birds chirping. I feel like I am 30 & a thin hot woman until I look in the mirror....YIKES! I keep looking forward and not back.....keeping one foot in front of the other. Michelle, even without the SAH time JUST changes things in your life. I wish we all could go back in time for little while but I certainly don't think I would want to stay there very long. I have not had a NIGHT OUT yet ( other than 3 beers with dinner) although I have some coming up. I recall someone writing about an exit plan a few weeks ago and I know I will need a plan. I have not cried tears in years and today I was very teary eyed for the past prior to reading your post. I have 3 brother in laws that have health issues and a good friend as well. It makes me just want to spend time with the ones I love the most before one of us are gone. It makes me sad gettting older and thinking that way. But I always like a plan. Life is too precious to waste it on regret and not live in the moment. I am so glad I was a wild child and I got it out of my system! I am glad I laughed often so hard with my loved one that I could not breathe. The thought of crying or laughing that hard makes my head hurt thinking about it now. I am not even sorry for who I am now to my family & friends. I do like myself more now and I see things clearer. I feel more at peace than ever before. Good luck, sorry for rambling..........maryb

Thanks Carl.

Dawn, I agree with Bill about when your body is ready to rest etc.. The only really weird thing I had and I account it to being tired was at work one day a few weeks back I was standing looking right at a couple of co workers- I was watching them move a sick dog and I kind of greeted them and for about 10 seconds I had a pause and became frighten like they scared me. I screamed and they panicked because they did not know what to do and I kind of came out of it with a "Wow, what was that all about???" I do not know it is was a "wall" moment but it was a 10 second "I am not here moment for sure". I frighten very easily now ( and prior to SAH)and it makes my head split when it happens. It was maybe a "delayed" reaction moment where my brain confused an emotion while being tired. I have some moments of being "blank" but not when I am eating etc. Are you getting enough rest & water? I am back to work way to early and I am lucky to have a great boss & co workers that cover for me. Like today I knew I needed a real nap and at noon when I went home I slept until 3:00 and everyone was cool with it. If I were not able to get some naps in when I am ready to crash I cannot imagine the mess I would be. Good luck. maryb

I was wondering about headaches, when, what they feel like, how often, and how long has it been since SAH? I do not know if I am allow to ask what you do about them. No specifics just massage or medication etc. It has been about 4 1/2 months for me since SAH, I get daily headaches still. I wake up almost every morning with a sinus like headache which sometimes leaves after about a hour. I also get shooting pains to my temples and sides of my head mid day. I need to lay down at least 2-3 times a day and when I do my skull feels bruised or something- it is tender and I have a hard time finding a spot to lay it down when it does not add more pressure. I know I am improving because I am able to do little more each week. But I just wonder what others feel like with their headaches? I do not take pain medication very often, some OTC pain once in awhile. It all tears my stomach up too much. I also stopped the migraine/seizure medication after 2 weeks because I was a mental mess with it. Thanks for your help. This site keeps me sane and has helped me more than words can express. MaryB

Welcome Leslie, I have found this site my souce of comfort and reassurance that everything will be ok. I am so much more relaxed about my recovery since I have foudn this place. It has really changed my outlook on my recovery. Do not push to hard. Rest is vital to recovery as well as water. I wish you well & welcome. MaryB

Thanks Louise.

I would only get one that looks like a medical bracelet or necklace. I carry the infomation in my wallet but I think that would give me an extra sense of security. I have/ had a bee sting allergy metal one that had interchangable beaded bracelets that I used ( until I got over my freaking out fear and stopped wearing it). But I worry about medical personal not even looking at it if it did not have the medical alert symbol on it. I think the more information you can have on you the better!

Well said Mono & Dawn S

Dawn, I agree it is a good subject to bring up. My life is not all that rosy as I sounded but my boss when I apolize for my lameness ( I was the one that made the day go on time so everyone could leave at 5:00), her respond was "I thought you were going to die, you are doing great." & she gave a lecture to my co workers about how lucky I am whiel I was still in hospital . SO that was really good for me. On the other hand I do have people that when I have 2 or 3 good days think I am over the hump for good. I just this past week research my brain tumor and sent that information to my friends and family. In the beginning I just cut and pasted emails and fb messages about SAH to those who did not get it. My hair dresser the other day said " God, I just don't want to end up like you!" But knowing her on the go 24/7 personality she is more scared she will wear herself out and be like me. We discussed it and we have a give and take with those things. People often say rude things that are mean, some are ignorant and some are so self centered that they can't even bother to look it up on google. I do not have them in my life because I gave up being with people who suck the life out me long ago!!!!! My 25 year old son who had just graduated college and lives a few hours away the past 5-6 years was real upset about being broke, I was going to pay for tires on his car but he was jsut not listenting to me about him doing his laundry here when he came up etc..... (Mine you my other son bought a "new" home at 23 without telling us). Anyway Adam was being so crabby on the phone I finally said "I have a brain tumor and I cannot listen to this" and hung up on him. NOT my proudest parenting moment but I had just found it an hour earlier and just had enough. It worked. I am not longer going to be bothered by bs that he needed to have already figured out in his life. He know comes up every couple of weeks or so and makes sure he gets a good visit in. His self centerness is much improved. My friends stood with open mouths when I told them that story. I don't care I did what I had to do to move on at that moment. I am kind of mean that way but that is me. I am not one to put up with being late everyday because someone can't get ready on time or procastinators. Sorry I won't hog this thread anymore. maryb

Sarah Lou, How often do you or can you change your information? I seem to change medications, condition etc all the time. I also have several medical issues, medicines & allergies. I will check this out further. Thanks for the information. Maryb

I love this, really love this. I carry a sheet of typed paper in my wallet with everything a dr would ask you. Started off because I could not remember dates and spelling but since SAH I wanted to wear a billboard around my neck with my medical information on it. My husband did not have his medication card with him when we had to take him to ER over holidays and I of course could not recalll much about his medication. I really love this. Thanks so much for sharing. Ok, back after researching it a bit. You must get the kind that has a locking system as the biggest problem was it falling off. I found a site that had some that sort of look like they lock but they are not red. http://medicalhistorybracelet.com/store.php?tab=6 I would worry about my personal information if it fell off my wrist but I think the idea is great. I have seen several news people wearing bracelets and I was wondering that it was weird to show the cause they were supporting. Bill Clinton & Anderson Cooper from CNN look like they wear one. Ok I see we posted the same site... more reason I should have one. But I did see other models out there that people gave poor reviews because they fell off.

I must add I work in an environment where we work very closely together and we all become sisters. There is core of 7 that have been on the job for 14 to 30 years but another 5 that come and go. We have shared some deep vulnerability such as “I cannot hug”, “I cannot attend a funeral”, “I cannot say I am sorry”. And we all try to help each other with overcoming our inadequacies’. We all are faced with not knowing what to say in a particle situation but at least a few of us can come up with the right words and give courage to that person to move forward. I am thankful for bringing this to my job place and it opens the door to show we all are dealing with something. I am usually the first one to call someone on it. But now we all share it and look at why someone acts they way they do. We never know what road they traveled to get them where they are and made then who they are today.

I have not really had any comments that upset me. I think I am more likely to really tell clients & friends where I have been the past months. I feel I am enlightening those around me and teaching tolerance of others. I have however put my foot in my mouth when trying to tell a close friend recently that has family members and children with medical issues that she worries too much. But she DOES worry too much about everything in the world that can possibly go wrong and they are not enjoying the good times because she only sees all the negatives, nothing is good enough, kids are too heavy etc..." . I just want to shake her and say "this person can be gone someday and you can be making happy memories” but ..Instead of looking at the situation as it can always be so much worse she is comfortable in the role of the victim. I really made her mad when I tried to explain what I meant without being a forward about it as I am in this note. I look at my SAH and brain tumor as "WOW I am so very lucky to be here!!!!!!!!" And if people were to say things negative to me which I sense they may behind my back- I do not really care. I just don't. I have lost my ability to care about nonsense. I however felt one day while shopping at Christmas time and a baby was screaming forever in the shopping cart. That everyone should spend a day recovering from a SAH and then everyone would be kinder and more considerate of others. My answer is " Yep, I am doing better and I am happy I am alive and able to be here today". I just don't think people really understand. You throw in words like hemorrhage, stroke etc it is all confusing. I just now started to understand it all. I would be likely say as well: "Yes I have some brain damage & move a little slower what's your excuse?" When my husband had kidney cancer and was home recovering I recall yelling at the neighbors out the window for shooting off fireworks on the street a few door down at 11:00 pm. I do not think people are as polite as we once were. The 80 plus year olds were strict raising us (me) but we no longer teach/ raise/ enlighten younger people like my mom did with words like "Oh, Mrs. Blank's husband has just passed away play quietly and do not disturb her".

Hi Bill, I ignore or tune out as much as I can but I am afraid I am not very good at it. I work with barking dogs all days, phones ringing in a fast pace office. I have some loud talkers there as well. I am or use to be a loud talker as well. More so when I drink!! I so long for silence…… Before SAH my husband & I could take 8 hour drive and speak only a few times with no music. I am worse now. I think a fire alarm would send me over the edge! I have had a few occasions of a delayed “startle” which is very strange and people are alarmed about. That’s embarrassing for me and the people that I scream and panic in their face with. I was telling a friend the other day I wish Mr. Rogers was still on TV because he had such a calm soothing voice. Kris, There are days I cannot do something like pick out a pair of white socks when they all look alike. And I am no longer obcessed with time............I cannot get it together to get out of the house on time for the most part. I take notes. I take many notes. They are all over the place. I sometimes collect them and of course I repeat the same things on my TO DO LIST and can never find that phone number I wrote down. I now have learned that when I write a note it appears to be more like a sentence or 2 about what the note is about. I have many scrape of paper and post it's everywhere. I can harldy wait to do our taxes this year. That ought to be a trip. Not to change the subject but I have a good thing to share. I had spent 2 hours in dentist chair yesterday & did not wake up with a brain hemorrhage like the last time I spent time at the dentist. That is good because when you turn 50 your teeth start breaking every time you turn around! I also have a bad thing I was just putting lotion on my face, I just put perfume around my eyes instead of fancy eye cream. I need to go work a bit harder to get this off as it stings my eye. I swear this cup is just always ½ full. Have a good evening. maryB

Prior to my SAH I could not stand hearing the refrigerator hum or any noise in the house. Now I am sensitive to noise but what is weird is I often hear faint bells ringing, we live near churches but it is more like someones cell phone ringer. Also when I get my massages the clock ticks funny in there, it drives me crazy!! I would love to go to a deserted beach some where and see if I hear ticking, humming and bells.

Welcome Kris, I am pretty new here but I have found this place to be a wonderful, comforting place to come to. I had my episode on 9/16/2011. They were unable to clip, I suffered a stroke and also found out I have a small tumor as well. I have just got my taste buds back. I just stopped being dizzy but suffered a set back when I was put on some anti seizure medications. They made me so much worse, I felt like I did the first week I was home again. With that medication I was dizzy on my inhales was losing my breathe just talking, felt like my ears were full of water again and swishing around, noise became a BIG issue again. I am higly distracted and somedays I cannot my a decision to save my soul. I pinned a note to the front of my shirt the other day so I could remember something. I am just learning to adjust my sails and smell the roses. I have learned to rest everyday and try to never over do it. Which I was pretty bad at prior to SAH. I try to drink tons of water, eat right - always have been a whole food eater. I need exercise, that is my next step. I am just trying to get working again under my belt. Good Luck, I hope you find this place as valuable as I do. MaryB

Sl, My 2 veterinarians I work with "get it" & most of my co workers. But I have some that don't understand how long this is taking. I am going to need to write thanks you note to those that do thanking them for their patience as I am allowed to walk out the door the minute I get over loaded. I can take my pillow and try to find somewhere to lay down my head or just go home. I hope you get the same results after you speak with your manager. Winter is suppose to be our slow month but so far it has not been. I don't know if I am happy the recession may be ending or not!! Good resting to you. m

Carl, Great link. I posted it on my fb page. Thanks for sharing. MaryB

SarahLou, We all hate that wrench that Sandy K is talking about. As much as I feel decent today (score of 65 up from 40's last week) I know it is steps forward and steps back but it makes me/us so crazy the steps backs. I live for the good days. Chin up, be kind to yourself. I scheduled massages weekly even though I have no idea how I am going to pay for them but it beats taking more medication & I feel the over all tension relief is well worth the money I do not have.

Still being a newbie here and of SAH I am also returning to work and today (& the past 4) have been really good days. I even was able to make new curtains for my 6 living room windows this weekend. I will probably never get them hemmed though. Not that I was not pushing myself at the end of project. First time I have done anything creative at all other than throw lights and ornaments AT the Xmas tree. I have struggle everyday for years with fibromyalgia and it is a butt kicker to say the least. I somehow feel more prepared or able to cope with the new me or accept it maybe because the years of being on a roller coaster with fatigue and pain gave me the acceptance of my limitations. Today I feel it had prepared me for who I am today. I have to look at it as God making me slow down for a reason or it depresses me too much. I have years of frustration over my limitations & lack of ability to be the hardest worker, most creative etc. I still have somewhat of the trouble shoot ability, and able to……….. Sorry forgot what I was going to say………………..lol…hum…..oh, organized and prioritize at work and clients have said they can tell when I am not there. I am “getting” that ability back some but the small stuff of figuring out shot records and complicated things can shut me down and I have to have someone check my work at times. I know I am forgetting things and making some mistakes. I think I am going to take the advice to go outside and breathe. I too worked too long today. Planned on 1/2 day and worked 7:30-1:00 with no break. I was ready to head home at 10:00. I ended up coming home and sleeping 2 hours. I have to plan to take it easy so I can get dental work done tomorrow and the before SAH that was miserable now it sounds unbearable to sit in a chair with my head back that long. I was telling my friend the other day I no longer listen to that negative voice in my head. On my way to visit a friend THAT voice said “You are doing pretty well this weekend”. Me “Yes, as long as I rest when my head weighs too much money”. I can only laugh at myself because it can be so much worse. I plan on trying to add that walk outside no matter what the weather is to freshen my mind.

Ron, I am new here as well. SAH on 9/16/11 and every week gets so much better as long as I do not over do it. It all has improved so much the past few weeks now all my old aches and pains are killing me! Adjusting my sails helps. Good Luck. MaryB

"There is a wisdom, that you may, or may not take advantage of, that comes with this terrible event that we all have experienced." I am stealing that as my psot of the day on FB! Thanks!