Carl

I have always loved classical music. Music can really soothe me. Funny thing is much of the music on the local radio station is popular but I find the songs seem to "ramp up" Choruses jumping in before the line is finished. I know musically for many it is normal. But I find that style of music aggravates me to no end. I can listen to a fugue or a canon and have no issue in that regard. Perhaps it is the lyrics, my brain trying to process one when the next jumps in. I can set off to go out for supper with my wife, we live less than 5 minutes from our favourite restaurant, If the wrong song is playing on the radio it can ruin my day. I should pack an mp3 player with my own tastes I am very glad you are enjoying playing again. Keep up the good work.

Making decisions. I guess the elevated stress causes me to become fatigued. Work. This can go along with the above, but also the physical aspect wears me down more than it used to. Heat. I have never felt so tired at work as I have this past two weeks. I am loving the job but the 90 degree weather is wiping me out. Noise. Funny I can listen to music sometimes and other times I want to pull my hair out. Restaurant noise also wears me down. Unexpected events, Yes they too do me in LOL. I actually enjoy the grocery store, but this is funny, I enjoy shopping alone. If I go with my wife or son I get worn out fast. Interrupted sleep patterns. Some days I go to bed around 7 and can sleep till the alarm wakes me. And still be tired. Other times I will wake up at silly o'clock and be exhausted all day. I havent had nightmares in recent years, but I have certainly had very very strange dreams. I don't recall them often, but I did dream last week that I was chinese!!!! No idea what that is about. Although I did eat chinese food last week too LOL. Maybe I need to eat brain food.

I don't know about you but one of my biggest frustrations is lack of self motivation. I was searching for motivational ideas online and came upon this phrase "What do you want from life" If you were to ask me 2 years ago my response would be completely different from today. The honest truth is I don't think I can answer that question. I think the closest thing to an answer for me would be "Clarity" Yes I want the headaches to stop and the sleep to go back to normal and I want to get my gumption back but most of all I think I want clarity. I want to be aware of who I have become. I do notice the subtle changes in my friends, or maybe I perceive them. The website had lots of things to think about 71 things actually. just google the phrase. Maybe what I really want is a banana split......nope it is clarity.

I often see a mirror when you write here Kris. For me there was no surgery, no identification of the cause or the source of the bleed. Once the neurosurgeon did the angiogram and saw no malformations, no aneurysms, no further bleeding, I feel they felt their job was done. Released like an undersized fish. Initially I thought I was fine, I knew I was lucky to be alive. As time went on I became more aware of small concerns. I believe a healthy brain could muddle through small concerns, one at a time, put them behind themselves. But my brain isnt perfect and the concerns seldom come one at a time. I have a timer I use to monitor how long I have my coffee breaks and lunch break. I keep a journal to help with my bad memory. Although I still seem to miss writing down some of the things that are important to other people. I think my biggest aid is my sense of humour and my wit. Both are warped. Pills help me with my blood pressure. Walking helps my diabetes and my stress. There are emotional times. Times of tears, I have come to enjoy those. Last weekend I was listening to some young ladies singing at the beach. tears trickled down my cheeks, but the music was beautiful. I dont think anyone saw, and I dont care. Last week the doctor gave me the medical reports of my SAH. I have been reading them, understanding small pieces. I google the terms and decipher the results. They dont make me understand my condition any better but I am able to visualize what happened. I have asked for a neurospsychological assessment. That isnt normally covered by medical, so I have been informed. But in order to progress I think we all need to know our strengths and weaknesses. If I am not aware of a flaw I cannot correct it. There are always going to be good days and bad days. Two months after my bleed I went back to work full time, thinking I was back to normal. What a word that is "normal" I am normal, but I am not the old me. I am still learning about the new me. I have no choice really. I embrace the good things, I will try and change the bad things and I will smile every time I see a friend on here who feels the same way I do, who experiences the same things I do and who offers me courage when I need it. BTG is a hostel and a school. It is a community that brings us all closer together and hopefully gives us a better understanding of who we are.

I had a constant haedache for at least 9 months. It was much like a bad hangover aggravated by sound and light. The doctor put me on a med that reduced by blood pressure, My headaches went away. Recently my job has changed I am not sure if that has cause my headaches to return, They are not the same as the original one, but I do need to take pain killers now and then I drink lots of water, try to get lots of sleep, although it is sketchy at times. I didnt have a craniotomy though

Exciting, inspiring and proud to know you are starting again! What instrument do you play?

A full week of reading meters and I met the expectation of 300 every day but one. I read two hundred and sixty something on Wednesday because we had a one hour meeting first thing and that took an hour away from the reading. Today there were more mental challenges than physical ones. I had to copy 10 digit serial numbers to paper, enter them in a reader and copy the readings to paper, Then change programs and enter all that information back into the computer. I know it is just numbers but a few times I even was able to recall the full 10 digit number..... side note the first 6 digits were the same LOL. Still I did it. There are also a few challenges of the routes being changed. The other meter reader customised them for his ease of use. Not a big deal but I did go out of my way and read some that didnt need to be read. Sept 1 is officially 365 days till retirement, unless I pull the pin earlier. I am enjoying this part of the job so I think I can last a year. Time will tell. Minor headache at the end of the day, Not sure if it was the sun or the number crunching. All in all a good day.

I went to the doc today, He asked me how my summer was going, I like his bedside manner, he makes it very easy to talk about anything. I asked him for a neuropsychological assessment. He sat down with a small smirk and said, who is asking for this. I told him I am, I want to discover all my strengths and weaknesses and learn to overcome weaknesses and develop my strengths. He smiled and said that is a very good idea. Now he has to find me one He also gave me the report of my CT scans. I will have to learn some new terms. Hopefully this will help me assess myself a certain amount. We reviewed the reports and as many have said, although the lack of an aneurysm means there was no need for surgery, the lack of evidence to pinpoint the cause creates several unanswered questions. I honestly don't care what caused it as long as it wont happen again. I hope that the assessment will point out some areas to work on. I am not sure if there is a charge for the assessment but at this point I don't care. It is time

Strange turn of events. Work has been interesting to say the least, There have been some changes. Many of you know that two months after I returned to work I was disciplined and my job changed in its entirety. Two weeks ago the meter reader at work sprained his knee. He hasn't been able to do the job since. I have not read meters in about two years but today they asked if I could be of some assistance in that area. I did the job for 20 years so I think I should be ok. There is an expectation of reading 300 meters a day. I said I can only try to do my best. So as of Monday I go back to my former job pre SAH. I look forward to the change.

That is inspiring Kris. I think you and I are walking down the same path I may stumble a little but I like the trip David I would like to say I cant believe the insensitivity the nurse showed. I hope she regretted the words as they slipped from her lips. I would never wish an SAH on anyone but I sure wish there was a pill they could take that gave them random symptoms so they would maybe get a better understanding. Good luck with your appointments

I saw something on Facebook today. That font of information that must be true because it is printed on the internet You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. I know this is easier said than done, actually in most of our cases it is impossible I have found though, when I do let go, life seems to progress at a nicer pace. When I first returned to work, I have to admit I was somewhat oblivious to my limitations. I went back to work think, I beat this, I had a brain bleed and I am one of the lucky ones, lets see what else life has in store for me. As problems arose, between work and the rest of my world I discovered it was harder and harder to move forward. Some of that is the fact we desire answers. In my case it isnt so much the "why me", but the "what exactly happened" and what is affected. I know we all want to get better, but I have a hard time letting go. Not letting go of who I was because that person isnt here any more, I think I have a hard time of letting go of the new me. I believe that is because I havent discovered who the new me is yet. It has been just over a year since I had my SAH. There are still asspects of my life I need to learn about. Once I find out who I am I will be able to accept me for the sweet lovable person I have become! Then I can stop re-reading this chapter and move on to the new one. Till then I will search facebook for more insights! Cheers Carl

We have had a spell of hot weather recently. I know heat is relative and much of what we can stand is based on the climate we are used to As a child I suffered from a mild case of sunstroke so I try to keep myself hydrated and wear a hat and loose clothing. Since the SAH last year I have noticed and so has my wife, that the heat really kicks the daylights out of me. Yesterday by noon I had a queasy tummy and decided to take the afternoon off, I also took today off and honestly I didn't do much. I am wondering if the heat affects anyone else more than it used to. What do you do when you get knackered?

Hi Bev, I think many of us are in the same boat. The unknown is very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I saw the school nurse, she put a bandaid on and sent me on my way. I imagine the eye tests are precautionary, I didn't require any of those. I got the same results back as you, no vascular abnormalities and no signs of a tumor. We are in a class of our own, the twilight zone. The good news is it does get better. I still dont have the answers I would like but I am starting to cope much better every day. I would write down the questions you have and submit them to the consultant and the GP. I only saw the neurosurgeon while he was doining the angiogram, he came out of the room and said, " no more bleeding, chances of it happeneing again are slim, you are good to go home" I am still here after 15 months so I guess he was right Ask all the questions you can. Hang in there and enjoy your time at BTG we are a fun bunch, some of us are more daft than we wer prior to SAH and others are more subdued than we were before. But we all share a common thread. CHeers Carl

Hi Shellie, welcome to BTG. I had a constant headache for a long time. It felt like a hangover but a little worse. One of my problems was my blood pressure. even though I was on medication it hovered around 130 135 Then the doc gave me a different med and the BP dropped and the headaches went away. Yes we all think about "what if it is another" but I have to say the headaches I got after were nothing like the original. I think of them as warning lights, like the ones we have on our car. If I think I need medical attention I don't hesitate anymore. I guess that is one of the good things that happened through this. I know I should exercise more. That was a problem before SAH too I found that walking helps. It also allows me the quiet time I need to process all the goings on in my head. Yes I get depressed, I am sure people on here can attest to that . But given the second chance to get on with life is a good thing, so I try and enjoy what I can when I can.

Many people suffered SAH from different events in their lives. Some from going to the bathroom, some from sex, some from other physical activity. Mine was while I was surfing the net. I didn't have an anni. mine was more of a stealth thing. The point is, life does go on and people may have some problems having sex after SAH, all of us still go to the bathroom and everyone here is surfing the net or they wouldn't find BTF. It would be wise to double check with the doctor to make sure there are no other reasons for you not to play soccer, but no one really has the right to tell you how to live your life. All of us know how precious life is. But life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Thats just my opinion.

Wow Kris you are tripping through my mind. I ask myself the same questions every day! Yes I want to get better, I sure don't want to minimize what happened in my life, when others do that it ticks me off LOL. It seems like the physical, emotional and mental processes are all out of sync. One is good and the others are bad. We do need to hang in there together. Very well said

I know at times it is difficult to be happy when I internalise things. I have come to the conclusion that the only people who suffer when I am not happy are my friends and myself. Certainly not the people who upset me. I have discovered that legal things move even slower than civil servants:lol:. There will be no news about my arbitration till early next year, hopefully within a year of me requesting time off. I kind of think they want me to retire and go away. But in the mean time I will do what I can to be cheery and try and focus on getting better rather than woe is me.... it has been far too long with the woe is me stuff. Today is a new day and I want to start fresh. Being the silly person I am, I ordered a new hat to celebrate the new me. Once I get it I will post a picture It doesn't take much to make me happy!

Well said and great observation David. As I was reading the thread I saw "it's NOT the end of the world but to have a 3 day after a 9 defies logic. " I got an urge to sing Troopers 3 dressed up as a 9! I find more than ever, emotionally physically and mentally my life ebbs and flows. There are days where I almost strut. saying to myself "I beat a brain hemorrhage!" and I am proud of that. Then there are days where I think to myself, " why cant people understand what I am going through" Many nights when I can't sleep the most mundane things keep repeating in my head destroying the thought process and the sleep. Part of me wants to pack everything up in a bag, toss it aside and get on with my life. Part of me doesnt understand what I really want and I cant make a decision at all. Perhaps if the thoughts would stay within the boundaries they used to, I would be more like my old self. It seems like my brain was in a flood and now, with all the new paths that the thoughts can follow I have a hard time keeping up with them. It gets tiring. Sometimes I need a friend to call and say, "We are doing this and you are coming along" Then, 99 percent of the time, I have a great time. A Paradox , that is the perfect word for our state. like someone threw logic and emotion in a blender and made a martini. I am just a 3 dressed up as a 98)

David I am proud of you and proud to be your friend. Inspiring!

I am at a loss for words here . When I first had the SAH I was always looking for the word "concentrate" and all I could think of was "focus". People thought I was going blind when I said I couldnt focus..... in fact that was a rumour at work, Carl is going blind. I still talk faster than my brain allows but now I pause for effect Well that is my story and I am sticking to it. I hide behind humour. Maybe we should say. "If you think it is hard understanding me, try and be in my head explaining this stuff"

I had a headache that was fairly constant for 10 months. It felt like a hangover. Bright lights, noises etc really annoyed. The doc gave me a prescription that lowered my BP and my pulse. The headaches, for the most part are gone. One side effect though is fatigue, as if it wasnt there before .... I prefer fatigue to headache. Fluid intake does help. As for artificial sweeetners, I am diabetic and I havent really noticed an issue with those, but that is just me. Oh in my case there was no aneurysm. Just the headache.

Well said Donna!

I understand what you are going through Vicky. There are many friends who are not as close as they used to be. Some ignore emails, some don't seem to have time. My job changed also, after my SAH. Not because of my limitations, just the timing of events etc. I have one friend I used to have lunch with at least once a month. I helped her move last year and since then I have only had one reply in email. It is frustrating. I am not sure if people are distant because they are angry, or dont want to get too close in case they get hurt. I like to think it is the latter. Maybe I am such a nice guy that thye couldnt stand to be close and lose me..... yeah that's it . I know there are times, many times, where I must sound like a broken record to them. For some silly reason that only my brain knows, I tend to relate EVERYTHING to my brain injury. I know if I was a friend of me I would be frustrated Part of my frustration stems from my current job and the lack of compassion. I wish someone would have sat down with me and explained what is expected and how I might achieve it. Perhaps that is a blessing of getting a new job. I have been with my employer for 33 years, I think they feel it is time to put me out to pasture. There we go again,,,,, relating everything to the SAH. There are many kinds of friends in the world and they all come and leave our lives for a reason. It may take us a while to know the reason and sometimes we never will know. Enjoy the company and support of the friends that offer it, and you will find knew friends around every corner that will discover the new you and have no concerns about the old you.

The daily grind! I have kept a journal since last year sometime. It is proving to be helpful. Not only for my sanity but for a way to recall those simple things that slip my mind. Still there are the "voids" in my memory where I should have written something down but didn't think it was that important at the time. There will be a couple of hearings coming up soon. I will need to refer to the journal then. The union is going to arbitration soon, but I have no idea how long that will take. One of the things I find most frustrating is the fact that in the past, many employees who worked for the city would end up taking sick leave when they were close to retirement, not because they were sick, but they wanted to use the time up before they left. Here I am trying to access it legitimately and I cannot. Part of me wants to talk about the legal battle I have taken on in that regard. The other part of me is wise enough to know the internet is not a private place. I swear I am wearing thin on family and friends. I know that a year from now when I am retired I will look back and think to myself "what a waste of unnecessary stress" Only 403 days to go.... be happy..... there's no place like home..... there's no place like home.

Well my hemorrhage occurred while surfing the internet. Late at night sitting on the couch. I was slouching really. I got a kink in my neck and thought it was time to adjust myself. There was a slight pop noise or a clicking. I put down the laptop and as I stood up there was a sensation of pressure building from the back of my skull to the front. I thought to myself. this must be what a migraine feels like. I went to the kitchen and took two pain killers. The pain increased to a level I had never experienced before. I slowly climbed the stairs to the bedroom. My wife was asleep and I woke her telling her I was in pain and tried to lay down. Typical man, waking wife . I couldn't lay down the pain was too intense by now. She wanted to go to the hospital.. I said lets just wait a bit and see if the pain killers help. I went downstairs again and the killer pain out did the pain killers. So off to hospital we went. I still figured it was a migraine I never heard of a Subarachnoid Hemorrhage before. It wasnt till the doctor said they may need to call a brain surgeon that I really thought anything major was wrong.