Carl

I am going to start walking again. A friend just rang me and suggested we go out tonight. I hope the mosquitoes are kind to us. I felt so much better when I walked every day. It is a strange thing, a rampant brain. Part of it says pull yourself together and get on with life, the other part seems to wallow, not in self pity but more in a state of confusion. I really think my biggest problem is a form of apathy. I want to move on but my mind is running in circles. Analysing things, getting side tracked, then running back to the start. It feels like I don't care. Perhaps this is just aggravated by recent stresses. I have no doubt that stress plays a big part in our recovery.

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who's brain will not shut down. I know my train of thought is often derailed and I have a harder time focussing than I used to but even when I am off track thoughts seem to cascade like a deck of cards, sometimes the same thought never leaving sometimes related thoughts.

I feel like Forrest Gump in many regards when it comes to my SAH SAH is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you get. I have had little info about the SAH. Doc says I suffered a bleed, No known cause. Stopped bleeding by itself. I am not sure if knowing more about the illness would help me recover. Sometimes I wish I had a map that I could show people so they could understand. I swear I feel like making up a map to get those who are less than open minded get their thick skulls around it:lol:

Each day is different. There are days where I feel I am on top of the world. There are days where I wonder what happend to the old Carl and there are days where I struggle just being who I have become. Sometimes I look at the sites that help the brain doing simple exercises and I think I dont want to change. Sure I want to get better but for some reason I want myself to get better not with the help of outside influences. I know that is strange, I became who I am because of how I reacted to outside influences all my life. I think for me it is the fact that I don't quite know who I have become. If I get emotional I put it down to the SAH, yet before the SAH I was still allowed to get emotional. Yes people who don't know me think of me as being normal. those who do know me know I have changed and although they try they dont react the same way they used to. ramble ramble ramble. I know I will never revert to the old me. I do like some of the things I have become, but I havent accepted all my limitations yet, or even discovered them all. I think that is why I am not quite ready to totally change. I wish I wasnt as apathetic as I have become. It was pesky before but now it is quite annoying Tomorrow is a new day and if it is as good as today or better then I have no complaints. Here is to us all feeling better than we have.

I had headaches for a long time. I still get them now and then. I tried all the pain pills and honestly they didnt help much. The doc put me on propanolol and that has seemed to help. It has lowered my BP too the only down thing is the fact they make me tired. If there is one piece of advice I would give anyone who has had a SAH that is stay off work as long as you can stand it. I find work most fatiguing. I prefer the choice of setting my own pace. Retirement sounds sooo tempting right now. Like a Siren calling me from afar I think the massage sounds like a wonderful idea too. You need to pamper yourself and be an advocate for yourself. Oh yeah we will root for you too. Welcome to our sanctuary.

I have struggled with weight all my adult life. The irony is when I was a teen I couldn't get a date since I was a bone rack. You could count my ribs With the complication if diabetes I do watch what I eat now. I am proud to say I haven't gained any weight over the past few years. It isnt easy loosing weight and like my doc says. Sure exercise will help. you can run for an hour two or and lose that chocolate bar. Not something that non athletic types care to do. Calories are defined as those little creatures that hide in the closet and sew the seams of our clothes a little tighter each year. One thing that has helped me is dividing my plat in half, then take one half the plate and divide that as well. The half plate contains my veggies, the 1/4 holds the meat and the other 1/4 holds the starch. It really has helped. I used to walk every night for about an hour or two and I havent had a chance to do that lately. I guess I need to make the chance. I am not looking to be a buff superstar.... besides buff is such a boring colour, But I do want to be healthier and live longer. I guess we were all given a second chance. I am just a slow learner Hang in there Kerry and Win. I know we can all become better than we are today.

Welcome Dave. I hope people here can share some experiences and maybe we can all learn from what is going on. I don't know how many times I hear the phrase "It is in your head" I want to scream back. Of course it is in my head. my brain controls everything else and when it. I have to say my own recovery seems to ebb and flow. there is no steady scale. I had headaches for almost a year, or should I say headache. it was constant. The doc gave me a med to slow the heart and lower the BP and I feel much better in that regard now. It just causes me a little more fatigue. and I have to say I will take tired over headache any day. I don't know enough about the brain to understand which pasts control what. I wish I could help. Hang in there, never give up hope and I would keep a journal if you can to track what happens, what you eat or do before the events. Who knows what can trigger each thing. I am sure others will post things on here too. All the best, Carl

Today is a crazy sleep day. 2:20 and I havent nodded off. I have been listening to songs of the 60s. Groovy man. Well I decided to read some forum threads, and found this one, and reading the history found I started the thread, wheich brings me to memory loss. LOL Maybe I need some sleep. :redface: Good Knight everyone. see you in the morning

That is a very moving poem. Heartfelt words for sure. Ironically I bought a lotto ticket after I survived. That ticket wasnt a winner. I know we sidestepped the grim reaper. I like to think it was for a purpose. If nothing else the purpose was to find each other here, and share, and help and care for each other. Perhaps it is to help others, who may be more fortunate than we are , to understand that each and every one of us is different. When I first came to the forum I used to think to myself, why am I here, others are much worse off than me. Then I realized that each one of us is unique. none of us are the same, yet we are all alike. A common thread. I am so glad that I have friends here who understand, and dont mind me repeating myself. Or the fact I forget. I love the way you can express yourself through your poetry. I used to be able to do that but since SAH that is one of my deficits. Not sure if I will ever get it back. But I am glad I can share your words.

I am not sure if that feeling hits everyone but it has hit me on more than one occasion. The last party I went to was at a smaller house and there must have been 40 people there. It was very loud, karaoke, even though I couldnt carry a tune in a bucket with two handles. I lasted for the first hour or so, Then I excused myself and went for a quiet drive..... no I wasnt drinking at the party. I came back later on and finished the evening off. The party was for St Pattys day and I went in costume as Patty O Furniture. Since I was sober I drove many of the people home. It was a little out of character for me to even be at the party. I was the oldest person there, probably 20 years senior to the crowd. I enjoyed it, I REALLY enjoyed the break in the middle, and being sober I enjoyed other peoples foolishness. There is another costume party tonight, I was invited but I wont be going. I am not sad but just not quite in the mood. Enjoy what you can, when you can. set your own pace and if things are a little too much, step out for some fresh air. Oh I think next time I do go back to the party I will take earplugs. Enjoy it on my terms

Things at work today were pretty good. None of the bosses even said hello so I guess I wasnt denied LOL. I will find out for sure on my next pay cheque. I do have a little pain from the teeth, The wisdom tooth was holding a shard of a molar in place, Now with both of them gone there is a little irritation on the inner cheek. I am no longer taking pain pills but I am using ORAGEL to numb the tenderness. It was a nice sunny day at work today, It wasnt busy enough but I shouldnt complain about that Tomorrow I get to attend a retirement seminar. I am looking forward to that. And I believe things will be stirring up a little with my previous claim. They say every dog has his day.. WOOF WOOF

Thanks for the update David. each day is a different one and so is each week. For me this week was the best I have had in ages. I worked Monday, napped at lunch. Went to bed early on Monday night. Worked Tuesday, napped at lunch, didn't got to bed too early I tossed and turned thinking about my dentist appointment on Wednesday. Wednesday morning I sent to the Oral Surgeon and he knocked me out with an IV. I don't recall much after that. Apparently I had a conversation with him in the recovery room. I don't even remember seeing him LOL my wife was there so she passed the info on to me today. Best thing was he gave me 3 days off work. minimum! I took the note in to the office. If they accept the note it will help my previous case where they denied the last doctors note. Proving they were prejudiced with that particular case. If they reject the note that will also help my previous case proving that they are prejudiced in both cases. So I slept one day, rested the next, and today I went for lunch with a friend. I will go to work on Monday and see what happens. If I get denied I will use Holiday time so I don't lose money. All in all a good week. Next Tuesday I get to go to a retirement seminar. It will be good to get more accurate numbers. and the sweetness of the seminar is it is paid for by the employer.

I do tend to cry more than I did before, I get anxious when paying the bills. If there is something on my mind before I go to bed I need to resolve it or I wont sleep. It is like a double edge sword. the emotions are there but I dont have the gumption I need to resolve them. Almost like I am too self aware and don't have the skills to deal with it. Yeah thats my story and I am sticking to it.

I was giving this more thought while I drove my wife to work this morning. We are the patient.... these are the symptoms...I do not think that doctors should dismiss any of them they are symptoms. As for people and doctors who say these symptoms are in our heads,,,,, where the heck do you think symptoms of brain issues are:lol: The brain runs the body, if the brain is mixed up doesn't it stand to reason the the symptoms of the injury will permeate the body? Yes some of the symptoms may be caused by other issues. Like some joint pain could be caused by arthritis. I didn't notice the joint pain before the SAH so that may be a clue:lol:. Funny my hypertension and diabetes were there before SAH.... possibly an underlying cause.... those are not symptoms of the SAH yet controlling my blood pressure has reduced my headaches. We are complex beings. our whole body interacts with the trauma of the brain injury. Something else the doctors and other people should be aware of is the definition of trauma in a psychological point of view. The American Psychological Association defines trauma as. Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives. Psychologists can help these individuals find constructive ways of managing their emotions. Add to this the physical damage caused by the brain haemorrhage and you have a recipe for all of the symptoms listed in the handout. To me that means that we need to address the symptoms both on a physical and a psychological level. Whether the symptoms need to be controlled with medication or therapy is where the professionals need to step in. The main thing to remember is the underlying cause is the brain haemorrhage. OK that was too much thinking for me these days. time for a rest.... too early for a beer! P.S. all this being said look at the last symptom on that list..... Possible misdiagnosis as, for example, psychiatric illness or malingering.

Sally you could be right with your doctor. The heading of the page does say TBI The page is found in the ABI section of the site though and here is another quote Acquired Brain Injury Definition: The World Health Organization’s definition of acquired brain injury has been adopted in British Columbia: Damage to the brain, which occurs after birth and is not related to a congenital or a degenerative disease. These impairments may be temporary or permanent and cause partial or functional disability or psychosocial maladjustment (Geneva 1996) I am sure if there were checkboxes on the list I could fill in my fair share Yet another link YAL:lol: http://www.braininjurynetwork.org/thesurvivorsviewpoint/definitionofabiandtbi.html worth a read. P.S, that is something else I like about my SAH I am stubborn and will search the net for hours trying to find what I need. Unfortunately the searches should only take minutes because I get side tracked but I did that before anyway

I wonder if we should take the brain injury symptom hand outs in to the doctors when we visit. after all We are the specialists. There is no one who knows the condition quite as well as the SAH survivor. With the struggle I am having at work the employer is playing a semantics game. The letter the doc gave states I have fatigue brought on by the way my brain now processes the every day tasks, this makes me tired and I need rest. These are facts. The employer sees only that I am tired and need rest therefore I am not sick. If I were to deprive the employers of oxygen for several minutes, just as my haemorrhage did to my brain, I wonder if they would be fatigued, tired, or just need rest. Naw I could never do that.... there are those pesky laws. David I agree we need to get the word out. 50 years ago people made no concessions for people with diabetes. This is one of the easiest lists to follow that I have ever found http://www.bcbraininjuryassociation.com/livingwith.php I think we need to print it off and take it with us when we need to educate

Brain Injury Survival Kit http://braininjurysurvivalkit.com/B_I_Survival_Kit.html "As a brain injury survivor and a doctor, Dr. Cheryle Sullivan offers a unique perspective on neurologic damage and the resulting functional impairments." I stumbled across a pdf of this book. What a find!. I recommend everyone read it. It is nice reading a book by someone like us, who has a brain injury. The fact that they are a doctor to drives the point home. I would love to buy about 50 copies and give them to people who are oblivious to our cause. Then again they would have all the answers and tell us to get on with it.:lol: In the mean time, get a copy from the library and ease life for yourself.

Strange, I used to cry a lot after the SAH.... I havent done that much this past few months.... I kind of miss it . Maybe I meed to watch a romantic comedy or something. I know when I used to walk every night I got some lone time that would allow me to weep a little. I need to get back into that too. I know I will NEVER get over it, but I am adapting and assimilating "Resistance is Futile" In many ways I love the new me. I know one day I would love to see a neuropsychologist and maybe when I am ready I will ask for a referral but for now I am relying on family and friends to help me through. I have no idea why I havent seen one yet or requested to see one, Mind you I am a man and we dont even look at roadmaps or ask directions . That reminds me of a joke I made up.... sad but true..... Why do men listen to a GPS but wont listen to a wife while driving? Because a wife NEVER says recalculating when her husband ignores her instructions! see my brain just isn't right any more

Hi Stephanie. We are not the same as we were. Oh the shell is the same, but the core of who we are is in our heads and our hearts. In many ways we just need to discover the new improved us. It has been a year for me, the title of your thread caught my eye. That is how I feel. I should be over it. well I am over the physical part. I didnt need surgery, no aneurysm. But I know I am not the same. Part of who I have become is an advocate for SAH. The forum has sure helped. I wish I could get some "bone heads" to read the words that all the people who "Look fine" write in here every day. I wish ill health on no one but I sure wish certain people could share my symptoms for about a week. and just when they feel it is over maybe one more week . I know thats mean but it would sure make me feel better HAHAHA Hang in there Stephanie it gets better each day. There will be ups and downs but you have come to a place here where people care. We are always here to lend an ear. I wish your husband all the best with his surgery. Keep us posted. Take one day at a time and soon those days will have been weeks and months and you will wonder where the time went.

The government makes the head spin at the best of times. Bureaucracy is only good for employing bureaucrats. I sure hope there is an advocate for you. It is so frustrating dealing with organizations who cannot see past the front of their own desks.

Ever walk into a thread and think, I cant add anything? Where to turn? I think you found the place, Right here! I can relate to the headaches David, they can be very debilitating. The doctor put me on Propanolol and that lowered my blood pressure. I have only had a few headaches since. I know everyone is different and different meds work for each of us. As for crying. I actually enjoy it. One of the benefits of SAH. Hang in there my friend, you are in the company of the best people I know.

I guess in many ways, work defines us. I went back to work the first time one month after my SAH. Although my job title is Meter Reader, I hadnt done that for well over a year before the bleed. The job had somehow evolved to running a GPS and mapping out properties. There were some internal office politics involved, I was working partly for a technician and partly for my immediate supervisor. Not really getting any direction from anyone. The first time I went back to work I approached a job site with all my tools, got out of the car and froze. I couldnt perform the simple tasks I used to do. Zero motivation. I ended up driving away and doing something else. With no one really supervising it was easy. I tried again on day 2. I seemed to muddle through then by the end of the day I was so fatigued I fell asleep in a coffee shop while having coffee with my wife. I ended up off for another month. Being eager to get back to work I convinced my doctor I was ready. I returned again and muddled through. There was another aspect of the job that had started, I was also scanning documents in the office, That was an extremely monotonous job. by the time I completed this I had scanned eight or nine thousand documents. Each one was scanned then opened and renamed to some of the data on the forms. I could handle the scanning for about two hours of my day then I would sneak out in the company vehicle for a cup of coffee with coworkers and start my rounds of mapping. Sometimes those coffees took longer than the 15 minutes allowed. This was more than frowned upon by my employer and I ended up with a major disciplinary procedure, including time off work without pay and no longer being allowed to work independently. This happened last Oct and I still work under the same conditions. Tomorrow should prove interesting since the person I have been working with every day for the past 6 months will not be in to work. No idea what they will do with me but I know they wont let me work alone. I miss the fact I no longer read water meters, something I have done for 20 years, I miss my independence, I miss the fact they don't trust me. Yet still each day I get up, put on my happy face and toddle off to work. I am thankful I am still alive, thankful I have a job, thankful I have friends, although I don't get to interact with some of my work chums, I am thankful I am close to retirement. I know at this time my job defines me, and with the job being in a state of flux I am too. I look forward to being retired, people will ask me what I do and I can reply "I am retired" rather than trying to explain my current work situation. I am sure people really don't want to hear all the long drawn out story but it is who I am. We are all survivors and I am sure one of the things that sets us apart from those who didn't survive is our ability to adapt, our drive and our resilience. Be proud, be loud and dont get bogged down with a shroud. Enough ramblings,,,, I need a coffee.

I have had this book or several years and honestly I have put off reading it. Today I was thinking about how much more I procrastinate since my SAH. I took the book from the computer room and started reading. I am enjoying the read and discovering more about myself. I am sure others will find it beneficial too. http://www.ritaemmett.com/book_procrastinators_handbook.htm

I am glad that the "downs" of having a SAH are always followed by "ups" I am glad I have far more patience waiting in a queue. I am glad I have empathy for people who are less fortunate than me. I am glad my family hasn't put me out to pasture I am sure they are fed up of my ramblings! I am glad I enjoy the simple things in life, like the sensation of washing ones hands. Silly but I look at it differently now. I am glad I have had a couple of weeks without headaches.... funny I am glad I got a headache today because it made me realize I hadnt had one for some time. HAHA Hope is a wonderful feeling Kris. Each time I seem to stumble I look around to see who is watching then I get up. We have all been through a lot and I think BTG gives us all hope, knowing we are not alone. enough ramblings for one day

Crazy sleep patterns. Yesterday was not a bad day but by the time I got off work I was so tired I nodded off a few times having coffee with my wife in a restaurant. I went to bed around 6:30 or seven. Here is is at midnight and even though I am tired, I am up. I am not sure if this happens to anyone else but as I get over tired I tend to repeat actions in my head over and over again. Like the fact I turn valves and operate fire hydrants. Simple tasks, yet I must have done it a hundred times tonight. I have a couple of important tasks I have to do this week and I am having a bit of difficulty getting my head around them. It would be nice to sleep at a normal time and wake up rested Even on weekends when I have no reason to get up, I tend to wake up between 5 and 7. Just a wee bit frustrating. I am sure there are others in the same boat.