Carl Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 One of those silly days today. Watching a commercial on television and start crying. I kinda thought it would be when I woke up. These are the days I think I went back to work too early. I know other people go through this too. Any discussion on how you cope would be appreciated. It certainly isn't the old me that's for sure. I feel like I need a kick in the butt HAHA. Crazy crazy times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gill C Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 We do indeed have days like that & I find accepting is a part of the healing process & allowing myself to feel this way helps. You are allowed to feel emotion FFS you could have died, that is an enormous thing to get a normal brain round never mind a damaged and healing one!! Pulling yourself together, being grateful for being alive, just getting on with it are the the unuseful things that people say to us but I disagree, take time to see where you have come from, grieve the old you when necessary & accept the new you when you are ready. I found joining Headway the biggest help, I thought I could get better on my own but soon realised I did need help & to be able to meet other people who know exactly how you are feeling & have empathy with you is a great thing! You don't have to explain the brain fog, the headaches or the fatigue which is a huge relief. The more I tried to do too soon the more frustrated I go & it set me back a week or so, by taking my time I am a much happier person & some parts of my life are better than the old life I had, don't get me wrong I still miss the old me & that energy I had to do anything I wanted but some things I wouldn't change any more. I also found myself becoming more & more low in myself mainly due to teh fatigue I suffer. I tried & tried for so long to cope with that & wouldn't accept that maybe my Dr could help (I am not depressed so why did I need anti depressants). In the end I went & talked to my GP about the fatigue & he has put me on a low dose anti d, although my fatigue levels are still high the way I feel about it has changed. I am also determined that this year I will start doing some voluntary work & to see what I actually CAN do rather than what I can't. Sometimes this just means doing things differently. Sorry that seems to have been a bit of a lecture & I know Lin Lin will say so many good things much more succinctly than me but do listen to her very wise words & talk here to all of us whenever you need to xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldfish.girl Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Hi Carl, sorry you don't feel good today. I still get some days like that (too often for my liking). I find the best way to cope is to understand that it is just one day, allow yourself that time to feel how you do & make a pact with yourself that tomorrow is a new day & you will try your best to fight back then. Take care and hopefully tomorrow will find you in a happier place Michelle x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted January 6, 2012 Share Posted January 6, 2012 Hello Carl and welcome to BTG, you've joined a great family of support and advice! As others have said, it's best just to ride with your emotions, have a good cry if you want and need to. Going through recovery after an SAH makes you go through emotions you probably never even knew existed. For me, at times, my recovery has been a long and lonely road, but this site gives me so much strength. As Gill said, it's all about acceptance of youre not the person you once were, it's kinda like a bereavement. It's taken me a long time to find acceptance and sometimes resentment does kick in and I break friends with the clip inside my head! My SAH was in August 2010, I started my phased return to work last October. It's tough going but good to get that bit of normal back. I'll be increasing my hours next week, and changing my days back to the ones I did pre SAH. I enjoy being back at work but it is hard accepting I'm not the same, I can't multi task, short term memory isn't good, etc. Have patience and understanding with yourself, you've been through so much and are doing so well. Read 'a letter from your brain' in the inspiration section on the home page. It'll make you take a step back and look at things differently. I wish you well with your recovery. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandi K Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 (edited) Hi Carl, I hope things got brighter as the day wore on. I became really emotional (tears) at around the 3 month mark after my head explosion. TV commercials, songs in the radio, just about anything would set me off. It was very unlike me. I'm a closet cryer if I cry at all so this new business of tears anytime was hard to take! In trying to help lighten my load my boss phoned me one day to suggest I clear my calendar. He knew I was struggling at work while trying to heal and he was just wanting to give me the ok to drop a bunch of meetings. I burst into tears! I think it was the act of kindness that got me. It was only a week or so later that occupational health convinced me to stay home for awhile. And OMG, did the water works come on then!! Once I was home in the quiet and realizing how very ill I was I couldn't stop crying. Days and days of it. I wouldn't say I was ever depressed. I still had joy and laughter but I had this strong urge to cry and it just happened. It lasted for weeks and tapered off over a few months. I would say that I'm pretty much back to normal regarding the tears but I'm much more empathetic with others who are cryers now! Both my GP and neurologist offered anti-depressants at the time but I turned them down. I think they have their place and I've read that many people do need them post-SAH. I hoped my tears were temporary and felt that I needed to go through it. I believe it was part of the rewiring of my brain, part of the healing. You go ahead and cry Carl. Your brain needs that right now. Sandi K. Xoxoox Edited January 7, 2012 by Sandi K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Posted January 7, 2012 Author Share Posted January 7, 2012 Thank you everyone. I know the crying happens, usually I go for a quiet walk alone and clear my head but this morning I was making lunches and had to get to work. As it turned out the day got progressively better. After work my wife picked me up and we went to a restaurant for coffee, one of our daily routines, we both find dropping off the issues of work before we get home helps our relationship. My wife recently revealed to me that she does miss my old silly self, and I have to admit I do to. Well today, like I said was a silly day. We were looking in the paper for vacations, that mental getaway when you cant afford it. I saw one to the Caribbean, that I knew we couldnt afford. When Nadine said that would be cool it is nice to dream, I said let me help you. I placed a warm coffee cup on her shoulder and said feel the heat of the sun. I dipped my fingers into a glass of water and flicked it at her, "Feel the waves" then I poured some salt onto the newspaper and said run your fingers through the white sand. We both had a good laugh and although we didnt get away I think we both enjoyed our mini retreat. It was good to be back. I read the letter to the brain yesterday and loved it. It has opened my eyes quite a lot. What I am coming to terms with now is that I had an SAH, and while I didn't require surgery it did affect me. I am still not sure just how much, there has been no Neuro specialists since I got the angiogram, I have had no therapists or really no one to evaluate the changes. I know now I went back to work far too soon and the politics of work kicked me down and set me back quite a lot. I also know that the best advocate for me will be me, and I need to stick up for myself and tell others to back off. I am very grateful to everyone here for sharing experiences with me. We are all so different, with different backgrounds and challenges, yet we are all so much alike. I cannot imagine how it is to lose sight or struggle with motor skills but I do share the frustration of missing who I was and learning who I am. I like the old me, I need to learn to love the new me. Thanks again everyone. This is an awesome haven in a crazy world! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Still get like that too from time to time.. For me learning to accept the 'new me' wasnt easy nor did it happen over night but once I did accept who I was now things slotted more easiely into place It all just takes time...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted January 7, 2012 Share Posted January 7, 2012 Hi Carl, Your mini retreat sounded wonderful, what a lovely thing to do! Oh for the real thing though eh! I'm glad you liked a letter from your brain, it's a fantastic piece of writing and I have a copy of it on the wall which I read often. Perhaps I shoulda read it new years eve and then maybe I wouldn't have suffered so much on the days that followed! I sometimes still have a good cry, the type that brings you to your knees and you sob like your hearts going to break. I know that it's ok to not always be ok and I'm fine with that. Did that make sense!!?? Take care, SL Xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryB Posted January 8, 2012 Share Posted January 8, 2012 (edited) Carl, I am going to try that coffee cup on my head and think I am on a beach somewhere. I am could fill a room with sand and put a CD of waves on, use my hubbys SAD lightbox and pretend. I wish I could have an emotional day. I haven’t cried in years. I never cry, if I did I may never stop. I can only live in the moment. I asked my husband yesterday something about “How do you think I am doing?" and he said he wished “I did not have the headaches". I just had to ask him what that conversation was yesterday and evidently I must repeat myself because he says we have that conversation everyday. LOL! I am surprised at how much I accept the way I am. I just am so thankful I am not in a wheelchair unable to speak as that has always been my worse fear for my health. It is my mantra…… "It can be so much worse". I have fibromylasia and have had to accept my limitations over the years. I love to garden but cannot dig ( becuz I have STUPID foot problems as well) I love to sew but cannot follow directions to save my soul, I use to be able to drive downtown Chicago or drive the 9 hour trip alone to our oldest son house and if I cannot regain that I will be very sad. But I just don’t think about it yet. I was telling someone the other day how I stopped listening to all the voices in my head long ago. I just tell them to SHUT UP. My friend replied that that is why my head exploded. I have longed for my stamina for a long time prior to SAH and it makes me mad that I have none. I want to get dirty in the dirt and come in and take a hot bath sit back with a beer and look at the fruits of my labor. Now I am looking for some kid that will work cheap & be my sidekick. I think I am suppose to slow down and take it easy – I think God was tapping me on the shoulder for years and then he decided to kick me in the head to get my attention. I wish I did not have to work, it is going to kill me. I want health insurance without me having to hold a job so badly. The working part is the hardest for me. I want to spend my “good days” at home doing my hobbies not working for health care. I wish we would win some money! I do not need to be greedy about it either. Just enough to retire and move at my new pace. Years ago a teenager in our neighborhood died in accident. It was one of my the life changer moments of motherhood. It involved other kids in neighborhood and very easily could of been my boys that day. It dropped me to my knees that day. ( I did cry forever over it) . That mother Brenda has alway had a free pass with me. Her family and closest circle of friends were tired of listening to her. I was in the like 3rd circle of friends so I woudl sit and jsut let her talk for hours, she was seeing psychics etc........ just a desperate soul. She said something that always stuck with me. She was in a therapy group and the only time she EVER felt better or ok ( for lack a of a better word) was when someone had it worse off. It would snap her back to reality and make her move forward. That changed my thinking ever since. Ok, i am in a babbling mood today. Thanks for letting me go on and on and on and on............... mary Edited January 9, 2012 by MaryB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lin-lin Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 I wish I did not have to work, it is going to kill me. I want health insurance without me having to hold a job so badly. The working part is the hardest for me. I want to spend my “good days” at home doing my hobbies not working for health care. As a British citizen, I totally take for granted that our health care is for free. (That’s not to say that certain politicians in our country have not introduced privatisation ‘through the back door’ and continue to want to do more of this; but in general terms we have free health care.) I cannot imagine the dreadful situation of having to work to pay for health insurance/ care. We simply accept in this country that no matter our financial circumstances, we will receive health care for free. I think this should be used as a warning to all British citizens of how lucky we are to have our National Health Service and to be very vigilant about any present attacks upon it. (I would say more about these ‘attacks’ but this is not a political forum!) I think posts like Mary’s bring it home to us how fabulous the principle of free health care is, as health care should never be run for profit. Hey Carl – Sorry for hijacking your thread!! I understand that you have free health care in Canada too; imagine how emotional we would both be without it!!! Yikes!!! Lynne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaryB Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Ok now I am mad about my health care coverage in the US. Can someone tell me in simple step how to find the "LETTER TO MY BRAIN"? or as I would normally type " letter to brian"............jeezzzzzzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Posted January 9, 2012 Author Share Posted January 9, 2012 Well healthcare in Canada isnt exactly free but no one will get turned away thats for sure. There are long wait times for some things. Each province is different in the rates they charge for basic health care. Some people are fortunate in the fact that they can get extended health care to cover drug costs. When I retire I think it will cost me about 300 a month for my health care. I know I spend more than that on drugs for my wife and I. As I work I am one of the REALLY fortunate ones, my basic and my extended health coverage is covered by my employer. I think I had to pay around $80 for the ambulance ride, but in the big scheme of things it is cheap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bogbrush Posted January 9, 2012 Share Posted January 9, 2012 Hi Mary, "A Letter from your Brain" can be found here Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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