jhelms Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) August 21, 2009, four days after c section birth of my second child, I had a SAH at home, and did not know it. I knew I had a horrible headache and my husband checked my BP the next morning, but I refused that night to go to the ER. We had a follow up apt with the pediatrician the next day, and we talked to him and he encouraged me to get seen about. The hell that followed was very unexpected. I know the ER docs were trying to help me, but the medical testing, and being held down while an out of practice ER doc dug in my spine trying to perform a lumbar puncture, many times , has created severe PTSD , which I have heard is par for the course anyway. I spent a month in the hospital, off and on , being home for a few hours and back for days in the hospital, away from my newborn son and his 5 year old brother. They could find no cause of the SAH ....no AV malformations or anything, and it resolved on its own. Praise God. But ever since then, I am not the same person. It is like my brain is skipping around. I have the sensation from time to time, of soda bubbles popping int the back of my head. My personality, the mother and wife I was, my temper, my ability to deal with everyday stress, has changed. I can not get my HAPPY back. I am not me. Since then, I have been diagnosed with MVP and Dysautonomia, which cause a pleather of problems in itself. I am angry because I am not the same person I was before all this. As hard as I try, I can not get my happy back. Every medication I have tried to take has only made things MUCH worse. My personality type is to put on your big girl panties and keep going. I can't keep going like this. I am so tired of putting my family through this. There are times where I just want to leave, so that they can be happy. Not suicidal ..... just tired of being so short with husband and kids. Not being able to make myself sit and play with them. If I get upset, it is all the way. It is almost like an out of body experience that I am watching and can not stop it! Then, I go into a great depression , and my whole system shuts down and I have to sleep for hours to recover from it. I have a HUGE fear of doctors and even dentist. Last time I had a teeth cleaning, I left the hyperventilating, and crying like I had been assaulted. I am very hard headed and strong willed person. Why can I not move past this? My brain feels like a library. Everything has it's shelf to go on. Fiction , nonfiction , science fiction , ect. This is like a book, that my brain does not know where to put it. So it keeps reading and reliving it , trying to file it away. I never know what will set it off. Since I have had #2 child, I have been pregnant twice. Once with an ectopic that resulted in surgery, and 2 weeks ago, I had to have a D&C to remove my baby that died in utero. It's heart just stopped beating. That was my 7th pregnancy and I have 2 living children. It went on for weeks trying to pass the baby without surgery, and at 14 weeks I had the D&C. This has spooled every thing up. I am struggling to breathe and function. Just the medical , surgery end of things creates so much fear and anxiety that I had to be sedated just for them to get me there for the procedures. Tell me this gets better with time. Tell me that I am not crazy. Tell me that I will get my ability to be happy back , and this MONSTER that I feel like I have become, will go away. I am so thankful, to be here with all of my capcities. I seemed to have come through it untouched. No one ever said anything about the mental recovery. I just need to know that there is a better and how to get there. Edited June 24, 2013 by penny Splitting large blocks of text to make it easier to read Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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