Conni - New Member

[Conni]

I am 10 years out of my SAH. I had a spontaneous SAH. I am one of the "lucky" ones. I spent 2 weeks in shock trauma. I had 5 lumbar punctures to remove blood and fluid from my brain. I had 1 follow up MRI and was sent on my way.

No follow-up, no recommendations; just a "you're lucky to be alive" send off. I live alone and didn't have anyone with me. The doctor said I should not be alone for my first 2 weeks at home because if I were to have another event in normally happens within 2 week to a month of the 1st event and is more often than not, fatal.

Looking back on those days is like looking into a nightmare.

I slept all the time because when I was awake it was to hard to comprehend what had happened and the depression was crushing. I had survivors guilt and still do.

I began a new job 5 months after having the SAH. I had to support myself.

I understand you when you say you pretend. Pretend that everything is o.k. and that I am o.k.

It was very stressful because my co-workers thought that I was stupid because I had trouble comprehending things. I couldn't connect the dots. I did not want to have to say, "I had a brain hemorrhage, so sometimes I have problems."

I would have had to say that a lot.

Fatique...tell me about it. All my energy was expended just to get to work and do my job. I had no energy for anything else. For this reason, I became isolated. I was too tired to go out with friends. I had to have enough energy to work.

I was 50 when I had the SAH so as the fatigue continued I told myself it just must be that I'm getting older.

I have severe depression, and anxiety disorder. I can't cope with things anymore. My threshold for stress is so small. Unfortunately, I have had no alternative but to apply for disability retirement. I don't hold out much hope because I don't have any personally documented records from treating physicians because there's not much to show except prescriptions for anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.

They have just looked at me like I have 2 heads when I try to explain how I feel. I have seen counselors but they haven't been able to help much because they don't understand that the changes in my brain.

I continue to be isolated because I'm sad all of the time. I used to be a very sociable person but no longer feel comfortable in groups.

I feel like I'm standing in a circle all alone and watching life go on all around me. People are driving, laughing, dining, and connecting with one another and I am just an observer. I am 61 now and continue to pretend because that is all that I can do.

I do believe I was saved for a reason and hope that I can find the gifts that are mine to share with others.

[Tina]

Hi Conni

A very warm welcome to you ! So pleased you have found BTG.

You will find others here that know how you feel and what you have been and are going through.

Feel free to join our daily chit chat in the Green Room, we are a friendly bunch

You should be very proud of how you have coped and struggled through. I am sorry you are finding things so hard.

We look forward to hearing more about you. There is a lot of very helpful information and support on here.

Take care

Tina xx

Edited September 28, 2013 by Tina

[iola]

Hi Conni,

I am so sorry you are sad. What a challenge to go through something like this alone. You need to give yourself credit and see how strong you are. I am almost six months from mine and will be glad to see the one year mark. Honestly, I am excited that you posted and 10 years from your SAH and have had no re-bleeds. There is hope and you are living proof of that hope.

I am learning that it s okay to be me now. I flat out tell people if I cannot remember a word or have trouble getting my words out of my mouth. To know me before all this was to know a person that wanted to be seen and heard. Now, I am comfortable sitting back and watching.

Be kind to yourself. You are a survivor!

Iola

Edited September 28, 2013 by iola

[kempse]

Hi Conni, a warm welcome to BTG.

I too am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Many people who suffer a sah can feel isolated afterwards as they have to deal with various after effects that they have been left with, but have virtually no help or advice after leaving hospital- to have to deal with this on your own will be so much harder and I admire you for having had to do this.

Like Tina suggested, joining in the daily banter in the Green Room would be a good starting point to perhaps help you feel a little less lonely. The other good thing about joining this site is that everyone who participates has first hand experience of sah and therefore there is plenty of understanding and compassion.

Best wishes,

Sarah

[Winb143]

Hi Conni,

Sorry to hear you was alone in all of this, but you are a survivor no matter what.

Sad that you never had anyone who understood how you feel/felt.

It is good to hear you have made it.

My Family have been put through the mill, we are back to arguing so I must be getting better, just joking.

I cannot walk that far as I get backache but onwards and upwards.

Good Luck Conni and welcome to BTG

WinB143

[Daffodil]

Welcome Conni. I think that for those of us that survived this event the docs are almost like ' well you survived it so be grateful for that, now off u go! Have a nice life, I've got work to do!'.

Hard to manage all alone which you have done for the last 11 years , its takes strength and resilience which its seems like u must have in bagloads. i also agree that its postive to hear from a survivor that far on though as we all worry about rebleeds!

Don't stop trying to feel happier and hopeful even in the darkest of times. just coming here hopefully might be some help to you and as Tina says the banter in the green room is a good place to ' just be yourself', you don't have to put on a happy face or pretend with us.

Look forward to hearing more from you and sharing some of that wisdom you've gained over the last few years.

[Conni]

Thank you so much for your replies and words of encouragement. I'm sure everyone can understand how wonderful it was to hear other's stories and know that I wasn't "crazy!" This site is a blessing as is life itself.

I think the communication will be very helpful for me.;-)

[Louise]

Hi Connie, warm welcome to the site, so glad that you found us.

some of us have been exactly where you are, I have a learning disability, cant work, but one thing I do is when someone makes a comment about it, I do say 'I've had a Brain Haemorrhage' there's nothing to feel guilty about nothing if you have to say it a lot then you have to others wont be educated unless we educate them...

This is a good starting point as others have said pop into the Greenroom all friendly there...And no hun your not crazy..

[Wem]

Hi Conni,

Pleased to 'meet' you. The feelings of isolation and watching life going on around you really resonate with me.

I have often said to my family that I feel lonely since the SAH. My social life was built around my working life - big mistake, 'cos now I am no longer fit enough to work in the office I have lost contact with the outside world.

My family take this as personal criticism, they struggle to appreciate that as much as I love them, I need to interact with others.

I recognise the need to build new friendships but do not have the energy to participate in the kind of social activities that will help me to find new friends. So for now BTG and all who post on this site have become my social circle.

As others have said, join in the chat in the Green Room and I hope we can help to bring a little more sunshine into your life.

Wem