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Hi new to you - Ametrine


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hi, my name is ( i am using a nom de plume, ) Ametrine .


after reading the other stories on this page i thought i could add mine to them, thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk with people who will understand what i am going through. i am not after sympathy just want to be able to express what has happened on a non-judgemental page.


for about three years before i had been having headaches for a while and when walking it felt like i was veering off to the left, i asked my doctor who said it was most likely stress. and put me onto antidepressants, then when i had an eye test the optician remarked that i had a large amount of blood vessels building up at the top left side of my eye ? he then went onto say it was not a problem. i've wondered if these were the first sign of something going wrong?


October 30th/31st 2013, approximately 2am. i woke really needing to use the loo. i did feel queezy but thought if i went back to sleep i would be OK in the morning. the headache just kept getting worse eventually ending up with me vomiting ( a lot ) the next thing i was waking up on the bathroom floor. i do not need to explain the pain in my head to you as you already know what i mean, i really thought my head was going to explode. i tried to get back to my room but my left leg had gone numb. if i hadn’t fell over the cat in the hallway i may have made it back to my room, i can honestly say the cat saved my life as i made so much noise falling over i woke my family.


i was as you can appreciate terrified. i had now lost the plot so the rest is a little hazy. i remember not wanting them to call an ambulance ( as i did not want to go to hospital ) i was carried to the ambulance. i can remember someone, i later found out was the consultant, trying to explain what was going on here again it's blurry. i can remember saying i did not want to stay and i wanted to go home. apparently my best friend signed the forms for them to go ahead and treat me, as in his words i was not in a conscious state to understand and do so myself.


i woke up in the intensive care unit at Glasgow southern general hospital, and informed i couldn't be in a better place as this is the best nuro unit in the UK, having had a coil implanted .( i had also had a sub-arachnoid haemorrhage ). they moved me onto a ward after a week. i was doing well and allowed to walk about a little but not to tire myself out. then a a few days later, my left arm started to go numb, it was tea time and i could not direct my right arm to feed myself, panic, the doctor was called my meds changed the arm started working ok. a couple of hours later went to the bathroom and as i was standing up my left leg went numb and as i fell over i managed to pull the emergency cord.


This led to me going back down to the intensive care unit unfortunately as i was being wheeled down there i started having seizures, i was so terrified i really thought i was going to die, then i thought i could end up a "vegetable " at this point i started to plead with the doctor not to leave me a mess that i would rather be dead. fortunately they didn't listen to me and i ended up with two new intravenous drips one in my neck the other in my right wrist. from there on i started to improve enough to go home two weeks after.


i really wanted to write here to share how this has effected my family with people who will understand. please excuse me if i come across as whining it is not intentional.


i call this


" the best laid plans of mice and men "


my son was made unemployed in September 2013, so we took this as an opportunity to re-think what we wanted to do with our lives. i have cfs .ibs and carpel tunnel syndrome in both wrists (from the last job i had), and subsequently also suffer from stress, anxiety and long term depression. my sole mate/best friend who has been living with us for the last ten years is bi-polar. he has always wanted to go and live somewhere quiet and calm ( we were living in a city at this time ) my son has always wanted to get into drawing for animation. so combining the two things ended up with us deciding to move to Scotland as the best uni for my son would be in Aberdeen.


we brought a new to us car came up to Scotland found an affordable flat to rent, after putting our things into storage, gave in our keys to the city house. i am/was the only driver in the family ( living in the city there was no need for anyone else to drive ) please remember this point for later. we had a really pleasant 9 hour drive up, taking it easy no real rush. i enjoy/enjoyed driving . three weeks later i was in hospital.


there seams to be a recurring three theme  going on here


our ongoing problems.


because he wanted to stay at home to help me and combined with his computer and all his portfolio stuff being in storage, my son missed the intake for collage this year, (and it looks like he'll miss the next one as well ) so has had to sine on. as we are living in a ( beautiful/quiet ) small village in the middle of no wear the last bus from town is 5.25pm so he is having problems with the job center understanding the end of work timing and missing the bus costing from £7 /10 an evening taxi if he takes a job in Glasgow. they are saying he's making himself unemployable. he can't even move to Glasgow as the cost of moving and affordable housing is against him as he would only get a single persons housing allowance.


my friend got so worked up with the stress he's not been able to get out into the very countryside he wanted. then an attos review arrived, if anyone else has had this 'wonderful invitation' will understand the stress and mess this can cause, ours is mainly because he is the named tenant and if his benefit is stopped or delayed we will be homeless. i am un-able to live on my own so you can understand what he is going through.


to add to all this i have been moved over to the esa and have had to explain my circumstances to a stranger who really did not understand, he decided to re-see me in 6 months after my mri scan results ( which by the way came back ok ) like that would announce i was all right to start looking for work, i do not look that far ahead any more.


well this is my life at the moment.


three people and two cats living in one room of a three bed flat. on the top floor of a three story block of flats. the rest of the flat needs loads of work to be habitable, we agreed with the landlord we'd do the work, hence the low rent. the deposit money we were going to use to hire a van to fetch our things from storage has been used up paying for the storage ( i am waiting for the dvla to come back with when i can start driving again ), although 'most' inconvenient it has done us a favour in the long run as the flat was so damp during the winter our thing have been safer in storage than here.


as far as my self i have overwhelming feelings of guilt. still have a constant headache and i'm exhusted all the time. i know it's early days. but for some reason most of the time i am extremely happy. i have everything i ever wanted here, my family, the cats and wonderfull country side.  i am taking each day at a time, this was the fourth brush with death i have had and i'm not going to miss this opportunity i have been given to grow, this is my a new learning experience . i have decided never to say, not able / can’t / wouldn't, to any thing any more and to try to conquer my inner phobias


thank you for giving me this opportunity to ' get this off my chest' so to speak

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Hi Ametrine,
A very warm welcome to BTG :)

Wow don't know where to start....Bless you !
What a time you and your family have had to cope with and are still going through.

You have certainly come to the right place 'to get this off your chest' you will find lots of support and helpful information here.

' really wanted to write here to share how this has effected my family with people who will understand. '
Thank you for sharing Amertrine. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Take care
Tina xx

P.S. I love your profile picture :)

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Hi Ametrine,


welcome to BTG, glad you found us.


Wow, what a lot you have going on! In terms of recovery, it's still very early days for you. Things get a lot better with time. I am 2 months away from the 3 year mark and my GP told me the other day that I am still in the early days of recovery! I take comfort from this because so much had changed and improved for me and now I know that things will continue to change and improve.


Come back any time to get things off your chest, I've found it extremely helpful to be able to 'talk' to people who are going through the same thing.

Dawn x

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Hi there


warm welcome so glad that you found us..


wow what can I say, you can unload here most things we've been there done that, but think you have more than your fair share...


I cant recall anything that happened to me sometimes  I think maybe a blessing, but then I have no memories what-so-ever...


look forward to hearing again from you...

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Hi Ametrine. Hope you feel a little better for sharing with us and we do get it. You have had a lot to contend with adjusting to the hardships of moving, no transport on top of recovery from the bleed, well done for coping but it is very early so take the time to be kind to yourself. You don't need to be super mum all the time !

The Scottish countryside I imagine is very healing to the spirit so take the time this summer to soak up as much as you can. Take care and let us know how you are getting on and ask if you have any questions.

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Hi Amertrine,


This site is good, it helped my Daughter while I was in cuckoo land and she showed the site to me after I had a shunt fitted.


Our Family have a rough time also, without my Family I would have been lost.


I wish you well and always remain positive and stress free (when possible !!).


Now sing and smile it gets us through it.


Be Well


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  • 2 months later...

i know it's been a while since i posted and have only just rememberd to come and say thank's for the supportive comments


since last writing i have been very down and not able to cope with reading anything about SAH with out grizzling. it's driving my family mad. i know , i try to but a brave face on my feelings and cover up my short comings so they can get on with their lives without worrying too much about me. but i'm feeling my friend is getting fed up with it all. and has started dropping huge comments that hurt i don't think he realises , and because i don't draw attention to them,  what life is like for me. i have been his support for over 12 years now and i know he is not able to support me back. bi polar can be very selfish at times. the last thing he said to me yesterday  was. " i wish people could remember what they said a few minutes ago "  i have dylexia so my short term memmory was not good to start with and now it's non existent.....


i'm so depressed i often wish i'd not suvived, and am really really fed up with every one i meet saying, how lucky i am that i'm here. hu they would possibly change their mind if it happened to them. nothing in my life is the same. i'm not the same person i was.... , will i ever be?.... i need to be .....    i can't cope with the inabillity to do ' normal ' things like mainly  think......  to organise....  this is not life it's not even subsistance...


my son is now working so eventualy we will be ok financhaly. the end of this month we're getting our stuff out of storage. one of our nabours has offered to drive a hire van down to get them, with my son and friend. , it's alittle tight at the moment , but that will pass. i am missing his quiet confindence and humor

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Ametrine, Hi,

Life seems difficult for you at the moment, but I see hope in your messages.  You say that finances will soon be better, your furniture will soon be out of storage and I am sure these things alone will make you feel better.  As for your bi-polar friend, well he suffers from something that you do - a condition that you can't see, that makes people think you are ok when you are not.


When he is in this mood the best thing you can do is to just walk away and let him come back down in his own time.  That seems to happen to all of us at some point.


We have to realise as well that although we are suffering with our conditions, there are others who have different conditions that are just as important to them as ours is to us.  Therefore we have to be tolerant towards them just as much as we want tolerance in return.


Lots of us, me included, have short term memory problems, but now you have another neighbour who is helping you out, so some things are getting better and they will over time continue to do so as you get to know more people.


Those things your friend said hurt because you care, so you have an intensity for life and that's good.  Does he say things in retaliation for something you said because it hurt him and you didn't realise it at the time, or because he is no longer the sole centre of attention?  Or is he just feeling sorry for himself? Who knows?


Perhaps you can sit down with him when he's in one of his better moments with a cup of coffee and talk about both your conditions so that both of you understand where each other is coming from a little more.  As for doing things, think about doing them in a different way to the way you normally do them.  Life doesn't stand still and sometimes you have to go out and grab what's there in whatever way you can.  If you can't do it get someone else to do it for you, that's what friends are for.  Everybody needs help from time to time, but sometimes you need to speak up and ask - it won't just happen if you don't let them know you need help.


Communicate -  and there's plenty of good people who will offer help and advice, as long as you need it and let them know!


Good luck,


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