change

[waterball]

as you all know that mark had his SAH in nov and it is still early days and his headaches are much better now.

i am really struggling with the change in him such as cuddles etc. he is not bothered with such things. he does not talk about what has happened and i feel he needs some counselling but there is no way i can approach the subject. to say this is putting a strain on our relationship is an understatement. it is tearing me apart. what do i do? i don't want to keep asking if he is alright.

do i need to adapt to him.

thank you :confused:

[johntaras]

Hi,

I had my SAH in November as well just like Mark.

My wife says she finds it very difficult to let me out of her sight because she nearly lost me.

She says that I have changed and at first I did not give her cuddles, she felt she needed them, again because of what had happened, it helped her.

Unlike Mark I do like to talk about what happened and ask questions about what I did when I had the period in hospital where six weeks is a blank in my memory.

I look up details on the internet about Shunts and Hydrocephalus, because they are a legacy of my SAH.

I don't know whether Mark would like to talk to me privately by email, he is more than welcome, it may help to speak to someone else who experienced a similar situation.

It is difficult sometimes for us to realise that are partners also went through SAH, I don't know what my wife saw because I was away with the fairies for so long. It makes her very protective and she is always checking on me and asking if I am alright. It is a change for both of us, because it happened to me does not mean that she has not been affected.

Likewise if you want to send a private message please feel free to do so.

It may help Mark to seek some Counselling, see if you can go with him to the Doctors.

Whatever you do I wish you both the best.

[Karen]

Hi Diane,

It's not uncommon for relationship problems after a SAH.... and I know that you will probably feel like punching me, by my saying the following.... but, Mark is still early into his recovery and he's still probably dealing with what's happened to him and the shock.

Sometimes, us SAH'ers can become a little self focused on our own needs and feelings and can neglect the feelings of those close to us. I can also remember in the early months, that just getting myself through the day and functioning, was all that mattered.....probably what I would call self preservation, especially with the mental side. Adapting to the person that I am now and coming to terms with the fallout, came much later on.

I must admit though, I was always quite happy to talk about things .... but, may be it is a lot harder for a man to do the same? My experience was the opposite and even though I could talk the hind legs off a donkey, I found that my Husband was the one who didn't want to talk about it and well, I had been fixed by surgery hadn't I? .... so he didn't see the need.

However, I needed to and it was only after meeting other SAH'ers, that Eric realised that I needed to communicate and so he was more open. In the early months, I don't think that he realised just how much the SAH would affect our future life together and that we would both have to learn to adapt and compromise. I'm sure that the lack of info on leaving hospital doesn't help and the lack of support as to how SAH recovery can affect everyone concerned.

Once you're "fixed", then that seems to be it, for many of us and I for one, felt pretty abandoned as my recovery v.slowly progressed.

Has Mark read the book "A Dented Image"? .... if he hasn't, I would definitely recommend getting your hands on a copy. It may also open up some conversation, as I also made Eric read it and I think that it helped.

It's certainly not uncommon to suffer some depression after this type of event, so may be if you can, it might be worth persuading him to go to the GP.

[poppy]

Hi waterball

D had his SAH sept 2008. Yes he is a changed man............ Yes we have had problems....... and yes it can be a real pain in the rear!! But we hung on in there and still dealing with things but getting there. I know what you are saying and where you are coming from.

If I can be of any help privately please let me know and I will pm you my email address.

Hang on in there if you can, it is a very long journey that might not end but you can do it together.

It is really really tough I know.

love

poppy

x

[bogbrush]

What Karen said about focusing on our own needs and feelings has struck a chord with me and my own personal experience. A situation arose recently that has forced me to confront those feelings and their effect on the relationship with my wife and family. I've always been one to bury my head in the sand (I'm a man!) and pretend that nothing is wrong, but I now know that I've been suffering from depression. The low moods, fatigue and lack of motivation: I thought "Nothing to worry about, it will soon pass." I was wrong. I've changed more than I thought and I'm now getting treatment. My GP has indicated that those symptoms can cause someone (ie. me!) to withdraw into their own little world to the exclusion of others. I can't say it was a nice experience to have it pointed out to me in the way that it was, but it has made me take a new look at myself and family relationships.

There has to be a way for both of you to get the help that you need, but it's a tough one on how to approach it with your husband. Perhaps going to see the GP together? That's how we started, although it took me by surprise and I was angry at first, but I'm glad that it's now out in the open. That's the first hurdle that you need to overcome.

Yes, there will be changes in Mark that you can't undo and some adaptation will be required, but there are some things that can be changed with a little help.

[paul99]

hi waterball

i can only agree with what has been said but could you contact the surgeon and ask for mark to be given psychotherapy and just send him the appointment as it would appear to be normal procedure in his recovery this might be a way of getting him to open up i wish you well

[caz]

Hi,

i can only agree with what the others have said. I think you try to put a brave face on things but inside it is a huge shock when you have a bleed and it takes a long time toi come to terms with it. two years ago this month and i still get bad days and panic sets in. i see the neuro psychologist at the hospital regularly and she is great. the surgeon set it up for me so maybe this would help your hubby, i wish you both well and i am sure in time he will open up.

best wishes to you both

caz

[rod123]

Hi, I think we all deal with things in our own way, I've said on here before that Merrill does not talk about her sah, when ever Merrill worries about something she goes into herself and me I want to talk about it, as i'm a talker (someone once asked me how i find time to breath) It can be very frustating when you want to talk and they don't, so i come on here, but it does get easier the changes in the way they are, i think it's just getting used to it and in time it gets easier, Hope you find that too,Good luck Rod