having a bad day :-(

[Gill C]

As the title says I'm feeling the worst downer I've felt for ages, Just feel I am stuck in a rut in terms of recovery & just not moving forwards

Someone at school said today that I need to forget about my op & move forwads but how can I forget it when it affects my life every day & in every way? i am chronically tired all the time (my bloods are fine) & it isn't improving. I know it hasn't helped that I can't rest as much now Nathan is at school but other than one walk to pic him up I'm not doing lots more.

I also found the workshop this morning overwhelming, we have such a lot of responsibility these days in terms of home education, we even have to sign a home school agreement!All these goals & targets made me feel completley inadequate as a mum,. Next week is the English worjshop & the follwoijng week a maths one but hubby is coming too so at leasrt he will know what is expected of us!

Does everyone feel they reach a plateau in recovery about now? if so what should I do to help mysel continue to improve? Shoudl I see my GP & say i'm struggling wit things right now, I feel if I do that she might suggest anti depressants & I'm not sure i am depressed just feel like I'm stuck in a rut,

all advice gratefully recived

[JayKay]

Feeling for you!! I don't think you are "stuck in a rut". I think you are still recovering! People saying put it behind you have no grasp of the trauma of brain injury, so don't listen to them.

I'm now on anti-depressants because the GP thought it would help with the fatigue. It hasn't, and neither he nor the neuropsych think I'm depressed per se, but say it can't do any harm. I'm hoping they'll cut my appetite!! LOL

Don't try and take on too much. Can't remember when your SAH was, but mine was in February this year. I just came back from getting another sick note from the GP and he says it's typical to be so tired after what I've been through. He said most people are. OK, maybe that means not everyone is but I'm certainly glad no one is pushing me back to work. I do a bit of ad hoc work for a Bupa Consultant, basically I take her phone messages and occasionally type the odd letter. It's doing this that has enabled me to realise that two hours' work is too much. I collapse in a heap and sometimes I'm good for nothing for another 48 hours. My GP says if I could do 2 hours every day then ok, but 2 hours once or twice a week means I'm not ready yet....

I hope you can get some support from the GP. And if you don't, can you see another GP in the practice?

Sending you gentle, healing vibes

[tracy]

Hi Gill

Sorry to hear your feeling low. I think its hard because a lot of us still look like we did before and people think thats the end of it, we must be all better. They cant see or feel what we feel inside. I was told it will probably take about a year to feel completely better and i didnt have a bad SAH with no aneuryms. I find that my family especially the children seem to put pressure on me, not meaning to.

Is there any hobbies you can do to try and help make you feel brighter. Ive been trying to make a dress for me. Never made anything before so seeing it come together has made me feel good about myself.

Sending you lots of bright feelings

Tracy S xxx

[maggie]

Hey you,sorry your feeling low,I know ...we all know it's horrible.(can think of better words to describe it as am sure so can you). You just have to ride with it Gill it'll pass. One thing is for sure you will only make it worse for yourself if you fight the fatigue. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to understand how poorly you have been, your still extremely fragile because of it. thankfully you haven't long to wait before you see the N/psychologist that will help you put things into perspective. I know exactly where your coming from will send you a PM later. Lota of love Maggiexxx

[karen78]

Hi Gill, your not alone in feeling this i assure you ;-(

Thankfully were all in this together xx

[Lin-lin]

Aw Gill hunny. Sorry you are going through a bad time.

With brain injury, recovery takes various stages. The first of which is the denial episode. I was in denial initially and I sensed you were too in the early days. Do you remember all the things you used to try and do, packing too much in the day?

Over the months, I developed insight to my problems and grasped how much my life had changed, perhaps permanently, but certainly for a long time. It is natural and common for a brain injured person to become depressed as time progresses. With insight comes the realisation how much loss there has been, loss of mobility/skills/freedom and physical and emotional losses. Your depressed mood is a realistic reaction to the losses you have experienced.

I understand from members of the medical profession, that depression in a brain injured person, (whilst alarming to the person,) is a positive sign of recovery. It's a sign that you are understanding and appreciating your problems. This recognition is vital for us to continue rehabilitating.

When depression hit me Summer time it floored me massively. I am not predisposed to low moods and therefore had nothing to cross reference my feelings with. I was joyless, tearful, anxious and felt permanently sad, even in the company of lovely people.

My depression is better these days, but I look upon it differently. Depression is a positive sign that I am improving. Understanding and accepting depression allows you to recover in a more positive way.

You are going through an ordeal and you are entitled to feel down, cross, bitter, upset and angry. We shouldn't expect ourselves to bounce through this with a smile on our faces.

People can sometimes say stupid things to us during recovery. How can you realistically forget about your op. (Why should you have to, anyway?)

With regards to 'moving forwards' that is precisely what you are doing, each and every day; but you have got to move through this at your own pace. It's not fair for others to suggest a pace.

People are so ignorant of ill health. People have told me to 'pull myself together,' 'start facing up to things,' and 'to think of those worse off than me.' It's all so ridiculous. I now only seek the counsel of those who are more empathic.

Depression's the pits..... but you have moved onto a different stage of your recovery now, Gill. The low moods ease... it gets better.

Keep us posted with how you feel day to day. We'll help you through it.

Lynne xx

[kempse]

Hi Gill,

Don't despair with the way you are feeling - whilst the fatigue/tiredness is an unwelcome but common side effect it will improve, although it is a slow business. I worked an extra day this week (today) and boy did I know about it - I fell asleep after tea for nearly two hours!!

Whilst you might not think you are doing much other than the school run once a day, you have had the worry and hassle regarding the driving, have a son that has just started school, written your story on here and that's on top of having a life threatening condition not so long ago, all these things will zap of lot of energy so be gentle on yourself...

Know what you mean about the school agreements etc., - Anna has just produced a booklet of forms that I had to read and sign - 8 in total!!

You will probably find your appointment in October will be helpful and that is slowly getting closer.

Take Care,

Sarah

[winter]

Gill - sorry you're having a bad day and feeling so low. You have had a life threatening experience and yes, it sucks - some days more than others. I often feel like I'm on a roller coaster that just won't stop! I've had times where I thought I was over the denial stage and then realized I'm not. I sometimes wish a fairy princess would wave a magic wand and make everything better, I'm still waiting:shock: We do all have to take things at our own pace and know that we are doing the best we can and then some! It isn't fair for others to judge us, but they do. Like Lin said, don't listen to them - they have no idea what we're going through! While I've been back at work for quite some time now, I am there part time still. I did actually do 2 massages today, to see how I feel and it's somewhat disappointing to find that I came home more fatigued than usual and have a whopping headache tonight It is times like these that I feel like I'm at that plateau - will I ever get back to the "old" me? I don't have the answer for that except to say that I will have to keep trying, 'cuz no one else can do it for me. And for now that has to be good enough. I know all about the ups and downs of depression, and with what you've been through, it's normal to feel ALL of the feelings you have. If the depression persists and/or becomes worse, do talk to your dr. Sometimes meds can help and even make a huge difference for some. Hang in there sweetie. We're all here to listen and help each other. Wishing you well!

Carolyn

[jess]

Gill don't worry everyone feels like that sometimes well I used to alot at the start but feel much better as time goes on. Jess.xxx

[Vivien]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling low Gill, but as the others have already said, you are entitled to feel that way after what you have been through! Although it probably seems like you are not doing a lot but if you look at it logically, you are, your brain needs time and rest to recover and although we would like it to be quicker, recovery chooses its own pace

I think you are doing incredibly well, as it is really only a short time since you were ill.

Vivien x

[Louise]

Not much more I can add, It does take a long time & everyone is different beleive it or not your early in recovery, I found that at your stage I just couldnt do anything, but gradually it got better....may not seem like it but you do a lot not just the school walk but being a mum & keeping house thats a lot.....

Go speak to the GP to say your struggling your the one that has to atmit it and nothing wrong at all in that, maybe anti depressants wont be suggested but it maybe worth while just talking to the doc about it.....

hope things perk up soon...

[Lin-lin]

Another step which has helped me is not putting too much pressure on myself to slot back into my old life.

I am a bit different to the 'old me' and so derive pleasure from different things.

I used to love city breaks, shopping, clubs and bars; but I now dislike those things and so protect myself from upset by instead doing things that suit me better.

Admittedly, some friends have dropped by the wayside, but I do not put pressure on myself to try and accommodate other people's views on what I should be doing. I have long ended the attempt to try and emulate my old life.

I am not being defeatist in saying that I no longer try to be the old me. I strive every day to improve, especially where my stamina is concerned, because this makes life easier. But I don't look at returning to the 'old me' as a benchmark of where I should be. Instead I'm learning about what the new me likes. It reduces the pressure and takes away the sense of 'failing.'

Recovery is a journey not a destination!!

[Louise]

Lin-lin you sound just like me long time ago, I found when I accepted the 'new me' as I said then, then I found I could move forward.....

As for the so called friends there not I lost them too.....

[marlyn34]

It is nearly one yr since my mum's SAH- she been out of hospital since Jan. In the beginning the signs of recovery were quite monumental but now things have slowed down but still every improvement is a step in the right direction- I have tried to reassure my mum in this but she very depressed at the moment, I have been home this week and found it very difficult and broached the subject of her seeing a councillor...

She kind of laughed it off then but today has rang me in tears admitting she thinks she is clinically depressed and has made a doctors app for Tues. I think this is a massive move forward as I know she cannot get through this alone no matter how strong she has been in surviving this. The massive change in her life weighs her down everyday but depression not a good thing in her recovery as causes a massive hinderance as she losing motivation to carry on.

I feel positive even though I have my bad days that I have to see her going through this but coming on here gives me hope and great advice that I can give my mum to help her make positive steps in her recovery.

I sent her book Dented Image and she has started reading today and think she starting to understand that she not alone in how she is feeling.... I glean all the information I can from the forum to help but my mum and dad not of that generation.

I am reading 'Falling and laughing- the life and restoration of edwyn collins' This is proving to be a very good read..... Alot of people are not educated about the extent of SAh and I know from friends and family they think mum been ill and had an op now that's it- they do not understand how life changing for everyone involved it is.

Do get help for your depression as i do believe is a natural course in the recovery, once this is overcome like with my mum I hope is another positive step forward. xx