goldfish.girl Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 48 hours - my job ended - positive outlook, then tears, then ranting,then the pain in my head. My two good friends took me out for lunch to mark the medical retirement date, we had a lot of laughs, the tears only happened in the car park when they produced a present, the tears were me being overwhelmed by their kindness, lunch was more than enough especially as I didn't want to do anything to mark the occasion. (Quietly slipping away suited me well) Got home & my wee boy (also recovering from a brain operation) told his PE teacher that he felt unwell, the teacher said she'd excuse him that day, bring a note from home next time.I wish we could predict his ill health - it is random, unexpected & absolutely terrifying every time it happens. Jeez, I still can't believe what happened to him nearly a year ago. He has never fully recovered from his brain operation in January and probably never will, but if he says he's in pain, it's serious as he tries so hard to hide it in case I make him take medicine, medicine made him vomit every time when he was in hospital Anyway, the comment made by the PE teacher sent me into a (probably) psychotic rage, I wanted to kill someone. My wee boy was crying & asking me to please stop because he was scared I would die. His dad turned up and sarcastically said 'calm down eh?', rage renewed! How calm would he be if he was the one dealing with all this and the ignorance of his sons school on top of it? Also, a local taxi firm were taking my son to school and back (still are) while he could only manage half an hour each day, then an hour etc...All the drivers know him & always ask how he is, which is lovely. I'm known to them too, by default!!! I rang them from Tesco today to book a taxi home, the office lady asked how he was, I told her he was hyper as it's his birthday on Sunday, she then said 'I bet you never thought you'd see that day'. She's right, 10 months ago I never thought I would see this day & I still live in the constant fear that I may very well lose him but I keep this under control as much as I can. Her comment cut me to the quick & left me standing in a supermarket car park totally unable to stop the tears from falling. Even without my sons health issues, I feel that I am going through so much right now that I am unpredictable & possibly insane? These ups & downs are crazy, how can you laugh until you cry? Or cry so much you end up laughing? I don't even think I need replies, I think I just had to let this all out so I can lock it back up & carry on. Thank you for listening, Michelle xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandi K Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hi Michelle, what an awful emotional roller coaster you've been on the last 2 days. It's hard to have such feelings of high and low and after all that you have been through these past months it's no wonder you are feeling this way. It's hard enough going through it ourselves but on top of that you've been caring for your boy at the same time after his brain op. I can't imagine what it's been like or how absolutely exhausted you must feel at times. And those exes, they always say the stupidest things!! As if saying that was going to help the situation. You've done really great Michelle, you and your little man are recovering together and he's got the best care and protector and advocate in the world. What mom could understand more what he's feeling? With your SAH you fully understand what he's going through. Sending hugs to Northern Scotland from the south west coast of Canada. Xoxoxooxo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vivien Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hi Michelle, with all that you and your family have been through you sound remarkably sane to me I hope that things improve for you soon best Wishes Vivien x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldfish.girl Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Thank you Sandi & Vivien I have just remembered Keith H's recent advice for when you have bad days - brush yourself down and start again. Wise words and I'm glad I remembered them. Michelle xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donnamarie Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hi michelle sending big hugs your way (()) (()) (()) donna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winb143 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Hi MichelIe, When I was younger. I told my mum she could borrow my suede coat Just keep it cleean !!! She decided to dance with a pint on head !!!! Yep she spilt it all over my new coat....... I said "Mum my coat is ruined".....she started to laugh....I got very angry then she laughed then cried............... So it i natural in my family so cheer up Michelle ....at least you are happy then sad !!! lol then happy joke !!!!!! As long as you and son are okay keep smiling xxxx Love WinB143 xxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lin-lin Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Well, I don’t think you’re insane at all. I think you are having very normal reactions to events which are abnormal. Your job ending, although for very good reasons, marks a new phase in your life. It’s an adjustment which you are going to reflect upon. Although you understand that it will bring a better quality of life for the person you are now; you will naturally remember the old times and how the decision to quit was forced upon you by circumstances beyond your control. It isn’t a bad thing that you were in tears because you were overwhelmed by your friends’ kindness. To me, it shows how sensitive and sweet you are and how their gesture touched you beyond words. Post SAH, I cry more, particularly when someone does something nice for me. I have more gratitude than previously, which is a change for the better. I totally understand your frustration regarding the PE Teacher and it is not good enough that the teacher has suggested that your son brings a note in next time. The trouble with brain injuries is that people can seem ‘fine’, and even function to a ‘normal’ extent, but some activities, such as sport, may not be suitable on that day. The PE Teacher is, I guess, very unaware regarding the complication around brain injuries, and so, he must be told. Would it be possible to set up a meeting within the next week or so with either the PE Teacher or the Head of his department? Perhaps you can take in leaflets regarding your son’s condition for them to read. Explain that his condition is not as straightforward as a physical injury which often heals completely. This is a permanent impairment, even use the phrase ‘hidden disability’ and explain how being pushed in his condition is detrimental to his health. Make it clear that if your son wishes to be excused from sport, letter or not, he must be listened to. Insist upon their co-operation, because if not, you will take matters further with the Local Authority. Make it clear that if he is pushed to take part in sports when he says he’s unwell, your immediate recourse will be to the Local Education Authority. Since the Children Act 2004, the LEA is also a children’s services authority and the director of children’s services is the person responsible. Any complaints should go to him/ her. I am sorry that the woman at the taxi service upset you. It can be difficult to protect ourselves from people’s comments, because shutting ourselves off completely is not possible. Some people are not skilled when talking to others; maybe if you focus on addressing things with the school, then this comment will become less painful because you will be doing something constructive with your general anger. When we are dealing with a lot emotionally, we can feel that we are losing control and it is an unpleasant feeling. Reclaiming tiny bits of control can always be helpful, so long as we do little bits at a time and don’t try to do too much too quickly. Have a little think about how you want to deal with the school matter, because perhaps this is the matter which is causing you the greatest pain. Have a think about communicating to the school, be it email, letter or face to face. Maybe you could write to them in the first instance and request a face to face meeting. It may be the case that you start to feel better if you channel your emotions in this constructive way and it will have the bonus that you no longer have to worry about your son being pushed to take part in sport. All the best, Lynne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldfish.girl Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Thank you all for your supportive comments. I think you are right Lin that I feel I have lost control over everything, all the things happening are happening without me having much say & then there are so many things I just feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. It's such a vicious circle. I have e-mailed the school, I think the head teacher was shocked and will be speaking to the PE teacher. It's good to have made a start by dealing with one issue. I think Dylan's birthday & the fast approaching anniversary of him first becoming ill have probably been the triggers to this melt down along with finally losing my job. I have kept my crazy self to myself today and plan to try again from tomorrow......until the next time Thank you all Michelle xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SarahLou Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Hi Michelle, It's great that you've emailed the school, that you've started to take charge in getting some important issues sorted. Hey.. You don't havta hide crazy from us, a lil bit of crazy is good! Pm/call/txt me anytime. Big hugs to you. Take care, SL Xx and an extra Xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winter Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Yeah, what the others said!!! You aren't crazy, hon - just going through life with all the ups and downs makes us feel crazy sometimes. You and Dylan hang in there - you're doing it, getting through each day and dealing with everything as it comes. I know it doesn't feel good lots of the time, in fact it really can stop us in our tracks if we let it (was going to type something else that included swear words, so left it out ). Sometimes we need to stop, take a break to get some perspective and back on track. You're a strong, intellegent and wonderful woman - doing the very best you can. Give yourself a big hug from me and one for Dylan too!! Sending you both lots of hugs and healing energy for only good things to come your way HAPPY BIRTHDAY DYLAN!!! Take care sweetie, Carolyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KelBel Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Hi Michelle Wow, you've had some great replies! I think everything that I wanted to say has already been said. You are not insane. You just have too much to deal with all at once, which can make anyone's emotions spiral out of control. Belated Happy Birthday wishes to Dylan! I do hope you had a lovely day. Take care Kel x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Hi Michelle Yeh! great replies No not insane just too much to cope with at times so hugs (*****) your way hun.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate71 Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I think you're amazing... the SAH is enough to deal with... being a mum is difficult, being a mum (or dad) to a child who is physically suffering is huge... put it all together and you have a recipe for madness. Feeling like you may be losing it, is not crazy - most of us would feel like that...the fact is, you haven't lost it... and that's something you should be proud of... Please recognise that you are going through far more on a day to day basis that most people have to deal with in their lifetimes. Go easy on yourself. Be kind to yourself Sending you love x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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