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Uncertain about everything


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Tonight, while I was cleaning my bedroom and doing laundry, I asked my son if he could take out the trash for me and help me switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer because I was running on fumes energy wise. He looked me straight in the face and told me "you can't keep using this brain damage thing as an excuse not to do things and to get attention". He then told me that he didn't mean it the way it sounded, that I need to push past this little 'issue' I had and get on with life.

He says he learned that from ME? I'm sitting here darned near in tears wondering, AM I using it as an excuse? AM I just attention seeking and lazy?? I don't think I am, but this really hurt me, because if he's thinking this way, I'm certain more people are as well. I feel now that I should just forget that I ever had the SAH and 'push past' it.

I don't know what to do right now.

Stephanie

(didn't know what to title this, so it's uncertain. feel free to change it if you have a better title)

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Hi Stephanie sorry you are feeling low

No you are not using this as an excuse but many people don't seem to realise how we feel !!!! Put your feet up and have a nice cuppa !!!! Maybe you should print of the spoon story for for son and that would help him understand. I have only explained this to very close people as I decide it wasn't worth my energy on others

Take care Donna

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Stephanie I feel so badly for you right now. Of all the people to question how you feel, the last should be your immediate family who you need to lean on. You need your son's support. I'm wondering if he's young and doesn't have any experience to help him understand what's happening. Or perhaps he's pining for his mom from before the SAH and he's hoping his harsh words will bring her back sooner.

He needs you to help him understand. You've had a life threatening injury that can take a very long time to heal. Honestly, if you could be living the life you had pre-SAH would you instead be relying on your son to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer? You aren't this way out of laziness.

Despite all that, what's wrong with him doing laundry anyway?

Stephanie, talk to him. Teach him about what's happening to you and reassure him that you are still 'mom'.

Hugs to you,

Sandi K. Xoxoxo

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Stephanie, I'm sorry to read how much this has hurt you. It would have devastated me too. I think we all WANT to be doing everything we did before and it takes a long time to adjust to what we are now able to do in a day.

I think you said before that your son is a a teenager - that will be a big part of what he said!! Also, I think along the same lines as Sandi, family want you to be better, they are scared & frustrated when you are not and this sometimes leads to an angry outburst. I bet he will feel bad for what he said after he's had time to think (although he may never come to you & admit that he feels guilty). My sons dad said something not that long ago that hurt me to the core - I was trying to work out how to do something on the computer but just not getting it. He had already shown me & when I asked again he asked how I could ever have had a job that was computer based (I had been medically retired due to SAH by this time). The unfairness of his comment left me in tears but I understand that it must be frustrating to deal with me when I am so 'thick' now :wink: It is their ignorance of how a brain injury affects people, not your lack of effort that causes these situations.

You are doing the best you can Stephanie. It is also easier, over time, for close people to see for themselves that things are not the same for you despite your efforts.

Michelle xx

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Oh honey thats terrible Sandi's right you have to teach him maybe even show him this site.

Stephanie Rubeck son (sorry dont know your name) mate this

'issue' I had and get on with life
we are all like that one way or another the fact the your Mum is cleaning the bedroom & doing laundry she is moving on and doing a heck of a lot more than I could ever do at the same time frame.

If only we could just pick up where we left off sadly this isnt the case for many of us we have to start afresh some (me) with no memories of our past but we make the most of what we have this isnt possible without the help love and support from our family & friends....

Stephanie Im sending you a huge cyber hug cos hun you defo need it...xxx

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Stephanie,

We try and get back to the old us. we put on an act for our loved ones, perhaps we shouldn't ?

Cry and let them know harsh words hurt you more than ever noowdays. I cry at the drop of a hat, then swear words start lol and then I have lost the argument by swearing ahhhhhh lol

Tell son when you are not upset you have good days and some bad, then tell him to do own washing lol j/kidding

Keep smiling and dont let anything get to you xx it will but sing xx

Love

WinB143 xx xx

Edited by Winb143
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Steph, I remember those days! Your son, being a teenager wasn’t thinking by making such a crushing insensitive remark! You are in recovery from a shattered brain, your energies and other symptoms will take a while to right. Yes, it would be a very useful exercise to educate him on brain injuries. Your husband definitely needs to be on board with this! My daughter, 13 at the time, had little understanding and patience until her teacher, family and other parents exclaimed shock and horror. It made her realise, it wasn’t a case of a quick cure and to be a lot kinder towards me. I spent many months crying and getting angry that I couldn’t function or cope as before. We need plenty of time, space, understanding, love and support to complete our recovery.

Message for your son; Yes the crisis passed where Mum survived a brain haemorrhage. Right now she needs you to be respectful, understanding, patient and helpful!! You have just one mother! Help her with the physical tasks as her energy is precious, and too little to waste. She will waste so much more on negative stress. Ask her questions on how she feels, listen and be supportive!

Sending you a huge hug Steph X

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Hi Steph

It is really insensitive of people, especially family, to say something like this. However it is common for people to look at us, see that we look okay and assume that we are okay.

Within the first month or so post-sah my dad would regularly go on at me about 'lazing around all day' and that I needed to get back to work!! Yeah right... getting up, having a shower and getting dressed wiped me out for half the day!

I did get back to work [too early] on the advice of family (my dad mainly) and my GP... it was seriously hard work, but I made it through. It is not something I would ever want to repeat though.

It felt like I was trying to swim through treacle every day, just to get through the day and home to sleep for a few hours to recharge my brain a little, to make dinner, eat and then go back to bed again... a lonely tiresome treadmill.

I lived alone, and flat-cleaning, washing & ironing just piled up! You have a family to look after, so it must be even

more tiring for you.

You cannot be expected to be okay already. We don't just 'get over it', it takes time to come to terms with what has happened and adjust to the new you that has been created.

I hope you manage to find something (spoon theory or Brain & Spine Foundation leaflet maybe) that your son and family & friends can read to help understand what you have gone through, are going through, and can expect to go through for some time yet.

Good luck and hugs to you

Kel x

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Steph,

I feel this way a lot. I was just thinking on it today when your post came up so thanks!

I remember before my SAH, I would do things as I felt like it...which was a lot, I might add. However, after my SAH I find that I really do want to do things, but I just don't have the energy.

1. At first, I didn't want to do anything because I was so tiered and fatigued all the time (24/7). Sleep.

2. Then I found myself 'Pushing' through things just to do anything at all. It was so strange feeling like I couldn't do something, but then I just pushed and I actually did it. Weird.

3. Now, it's I do things, but they wear me out so then I can't really do anything else. I think this approaches the pre-SAH way of living...tiredness makes you want to sit down and rest. I still can't do all I could before, but I'm getting there day by day.

I hope this eases up soon for you too.

~Kris

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thank you all.

My son is only 14, so I suppose he was just being a typical teenager and not understanding why things aren't the way they used to be. I know he knows and understand what happened, to all of us, not just to me. But I'm not sure how much he understands the long term effects. Or that words hurt me so badly now. I tried not to let him know how hurt I was, but I'm not sure I succeeded there.

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