Coping Alone

[jord38]

How did you cope when you were first at home alone after the sah? My sister is going home on Saturday so I will be going home with my children and the thought of being alone all day with the toddler is really scaring me in case something happens. I know I'm going to feel the same the first time I take him out on my own. How did you feel? Am I being irrational? x

Edited November 21, 2012 by bogbrush
More meaningful title added.

[Gill C]

Being at home alone is scary enough never mind looking after a small person as well.

Hubby took 2 weeks to work at home with me when I first came out of hospital & my son (then aged 4) was at nursery so he went for full days instead of half days.

I had to change him to full days until he finished nursery in the August & by then I was sort of ready to look after him (I came out on 21/6/10). I was cooking meals (basic) & dressing him & hubby helped as much as possible.

Perhaps its worth considering childcare for your tot until you feel happy to look after him on your own. Or speak to to Surestart to see if they can offer you any support.

Its hard but soon you will be doing things you used to, be strong

[kpaggett]

Dido that post!

To add, I recognized (even as I was living it) that I had terrible separation anxiety like a little kid so it was really hard when anyone left me for a while. My emotions were all over the place. It's easier to plan that you CAN'T handle it and then when you find either now or later that you CAN it is really a good feeling. Don't ever feel guilty for setting yourself up for success and take it all slower than mud.

~Kris

[Winb143]

All will be well, put tv on and watch all what you both want to xx

Keep phone by side as it is a lifeline and you wont need it but 1st time you need security

Good luck and do something easy for lunch and you and baby can make lunch into a picnic xx

May you have fun on your first day xx

Love

WinB143 xx xx

[Skippy]

Hey there

Yes, I felt very very anxious the first time I was left alone after my SAH. I ended up going into work with my husband (worked with him at the time) and sleeping in my office.

Its a natural reaction, but take Win's advice and keep the phone by your side and do something simple to eat. Try to relax and enjoy time with your little one.

[jord38]

Thank you all. Im not worried about the coping part at all, just if something happened to me whilst alone with him, I'm sure as time passes that fear will fade (I hope so anyway). Part of me wants to be back on my own home with my kids, I'm just really scared xx

[Daffodil]

Have you ever been at the top of the stairs with a load of washing and missed the first step? Ever stepped back off a ladder and missed a rung?

I know it's going to sound really patronising so i apologise but bad stuff can happen in the simplest of situations and in good health we normally don't worry or give it a thought ! We carry too much going down the stairs, we insist on climbing unstable ladders, we are invincible. Then it changes.

My doctor said to me that I was safer than I had been in a long while. That was a comfort.

Most people dont know whats in their heads. My ticking time bomb has gone off , they reset it and now I get to bumble along at a different pace not knowing what happens next. Like I always did, i just never thought about it before. Now Im trying not to think about it constantly.

What I'm clumsily trying to say is that worrying about this happening again is stealing the time you've been given to enjoy with your little ones. I know none of us can stop worrying just like that, me included, but we can try and limit it being a thief of our joyful moments.

Put some practical things in place for reassurance. A neighbour maybe who will check in on you each day unless you call them. Teach your son through play how he can dial an ambulance. Instigate some quiet times which give you chance to rest. Then take a deep breath and play. Watch Tv. Forget for a while.

Those stolen moments of peace from our awful thoughts are rare in the early days but more precious than gold.

And don't tempted to climb any ladders!

[Gill C]

Great advice from Daff & I agree whole heartedly. You can waste your life away worrying about things that will never happen. I've been on BTG for 2.5 years & not heard of anyone having another rupture in that time.

I worried lots at night about not waking up in the morning but I never worried about it happening again in the daytime (for some odd reason). I put my trust wholly with the Cons who told me I was no more likely to have an anni than the next person. I do feel I used a lot of my good luck in having an undiagnosed anni for 6 weeks & getting it seen to before it burst but as time goes on it does get easier.

[jord38]

Great advice and the sort I would dish out myself. I'm normally the one everyone comes to with problems and am there,for everyone and this ****** thing seems to have completely destroyed my confidence. Of course everything you say is true and I hope that I can relax once alone. Thank you all xx

[MaryB]

Good advice Daff. After a week off my hubby started back to work slowly. I carried my cell phone and real phone. People & hubby had a text me schedule. Gals from work stopped on their lunch hour to eat lunch at my house.

I have not been allowed to carry laundry etc up and down stairs prior to SAH so I already was use to my "rules". I still won't really step up on a ladder or anything like that.

[Daffodil]

One last thing, don't leave your phone at home if you go out....I did. I Panicked my entire family for an afternoon early on. I Got back home after feeling very pleased with myself for having an unaccompanied walk to be met by worried family members, one of whom had left work to come and check after I didn't pick up....oops

We will not be the only ones worrying , that I promise you.

I'll stop dishing out advice now!!

[goldfish.girl]

Jord, it is going to be such a great moment to back home, in your own routine

The worry does fade in time. I even had my ex husband staying for several weeks after SAH. I takes something to really scare me to let that happen My best advice to you has already been given above. I took my mobile EVERYWHERE with me for 2 years, even to the toilet because I was anxious. I could see my phone but was unable to get to it when I had the SAH & I think I was probably a bit paranoid because of that. When my mobile needed to be charged I'd carry the house phone around and at night, I'd take both upstairs with me, just in case one didn't work......

Now, I often turn both off because I want some peace!!!! I also got to the point when I would be annoyed that someone who had sent a text which I didn't reply to would then continuously ring the house phone (which is downstairs so not easy to get to if you are having an afternoon snooze), then contact a neighbour who would start banging the door - honestly, it will not be long before you want to tell them all to 'go away', you'll ring them if you need help!

As Daff has said, I spent a lot of time explaining to my son how to ring an ambulance & give our address. I realise that your little one is only a baby but 999 will respond even if it is a silent call. If they get no reply to their questions on the phone, they will send the police round - my son was a bit of 'nuisance caller' as a toddler so I know they will follow up an emergency call Do you have your mobile registered in your name, at your address as that will help too (pay & go phones are sometimes anonymous to the service provider). I am sure you will not need any of this but if it puts your mind at rest it is a good thing.

Good luck & enjoy this step towards getting your old life back in your own home

Michelle x

[MaryB]

The only thing I may add is gather up all your sweaters or something with pockets so you can put your phone on your body. I will not buy another sweater without a pocket!

[jord38]

Part of me is looking forward to being back home. Went home for a few hours yesterday with little fella, tidied up and played with my son and felt rotten all night grrrr. Saw consultant cpl days ago and he has told me that rebleeds are rare (which was my fear), I have no more annis and he has more chance of having one than me having another. Just need to get over my anxiety and stop thinking the worst all the time, I'm sure I will get there. Thank you all xx

[Bev897056]

Hi

Anziety is pure hell, I know all about that, and I also have a little boy who is 3 in jan and I am with him all week on my own while my partner is at work and only work weekends now (16 hrs a week)

Coz thats more than enough for me....so my advice would be to try not to rush, eliminate anything thats stressful, try cherish everymoment with your child and take everything slowley one step at a time. Yes its scary and yes its an uncertain time but you are not on your own because everything your feeling we r feeling or have felt too X x

[jord38]

Hi Bev, its horrendous isn't it, six weeks tomorrow since my Sah and its been six weeks of hell, worry, tears. I feel like I am never going to be me again. My little one is 22 months and I also have a 13 year old. Everytime he slept I would be in tears thinking I was almost taken from him and his sister and still might be. Roll on the time to when I'm more comfortable with and accepting of what has happened xx

[winter]

Hi Jord! What you are feeling is very normal. You've had a very scary, life threatening experience and are now soon to go home and left on your own. I was in a state of panic when I came home from hospital. My daughter quit a semester of college and moved in with me for 6 weeks! I felt guilty and horrible that she did that, but at the same time was so grateful for all her help - and I didn't have a little one to look after.

The panic does ease up over time. Do what you can to make yourself feel better, as others have suggested. I always took, and still do, my mobile with me - even to the bathroom. I guess the anxiety is still there, but knowing I've got the phone is a tremendous help.

Anytime you feel anxiety or scared about what's happening, come to BTG. There is almost always somebody in here and will help you as much as they/we can. You're NOT really alone in all this.

Take care hon. It will and does get better with time. Sending you big hugs from FL

Carolyn

[Nic]

Hi Bev, its horrendous isn't it, six weeks tomorrow since my Sah and its been six weeks of hell, worry, tears. I feel like I am never going to be me again. My little one is 22 months and I also have a 13 year old. Everytime he slept I would be in tears thinking I was almost taken from him and his sister and still might be. Roll on the time to when I'm more comfortable with and accepting of what has happened xx

Hi Jord , i havent been on the site for some time now but after a quick look i saw a couple of posts from you and can totally empathise with virtually everything you are going through .

Heart racing , feeling faint and light headed , cant get your breath , pain and discomfort in your chest , feeling dizzy , weak and shaking legs and arms , hot flushes , blurred vision , upset stomach and feeling spacy , unreal and de-personalised ..... these are all recognised symptoms of acute anxiety .

I'll bet you recognise most , if not all , of these feelings . I went through them all , some more than others . Bev sums it up perfectly ..... Anxiety is hell ! The worse thing about anxiety is the realisation that its a condition that is sadly a natural reaction to what we've been through . The key is recognising it for what it is , then you can deal with it . So when you wake with those truly terrible thoughts or feelings you can calm yourself and go back to sleep .

The emotional turmoil you feel right now in relation to being left alone sounds an awful lot like something we all seem to have experienced . Before my SAH ( apprx 5 months ago ) id put myself down as one of the most mentally robust individuals i knew ..... virtually nothing phased me ..... untill the SAH that is . I was confused and really went through the mire mentally and physically . The panic attacks , the trips to the GP , the hospital A+E because i was convinced the repair had failed are all things weve done to a greater or lesser extent .... you are not on your own in this respect . And thats exactly the same as the loss in personal confidence you are experiencing right now and the fear you have of being alone .

What you have to deal with now and how you deal with it are personal matters . Its tough to deal with . Im dealing with it successfully and ill be back at work next week and i cant wait . Time is a great healer aswell as all the other help you can get .

Just remember ...... help is always there for you . Dont be afraid to seek it if you think you need it . You think theres something wrong then go to hospital or the GP and get it checked out , dont worry about doing that , its what the Health Service is there for .

Get yourself a bit of councilling if you feel it will help talking to someone ( i did this and was astounded when i was handed a sheet with all the symptoms of anxiety , i realised it was what was wrong with me ) . And then of course theres this site aswell with some great people and support .

Most importantly , remember , YOU WILL GET BETTER and be the mum you want to be .

Good Luck

[jord38]

Thank you so much winter and nic. Have suffered anxiety for a while so had every symptom you have listed, it totally sucks. Well todays the day I go home with my kiddies, going to be tough as by early evening I feel exhausted and ill but looking forward to getting back into some sort of routine with the children. Thank you all again for your helpful replies. I really appreciate it. Lisa xx

[Jigsaw]

I hope your time at home with the kiddies goes well, you will get lots of hugs and love!

i also can understand how worried and anxious you must feel, I havent got two little children to worry about, mine are grown up, this must be harder for you! Take all the help you can get and rest as much as you can, take care, Linda xx

[Winb143]

If I have it right your first morning at home Jord?

Well get kettle going no sugar for me ta xx

Hope all is well and you have a good day, Not too much work today do it Monday, always tomorrow,,lol

All the best and hope all goes Well xx

WinB xx now where's my tea xx

Edited November 25, 2012 by Winb143

[jord38]

Thanks Linda and Win. It is indeed my first morning at home and was my first night last night. Slept quite well despite feeling rotten. Been up since the crack of dawn and done a bit too much I think as shattered and headache now. Kettle is on Win, welcome anytime hun xx

[kpaggett]

Great advice and the sort I would dish out myself. I'm normally the one everyone comes to with problems and am there,for everyone and this ****** thing seems to have completely destroyed my confidence. Of course everything you say is true and I hope that I can relax once alone. Thank you all xx

Jord,

I was that person too. It feels so strange to be the needy one instead and actually, some of my friends couldn't handle it because I was no longer solving their problems for them. It's funny how needy people always seem to be needy and seek out stable ones for all their needs. I hope to come back to that stable role someday as I love it, AND I have a new appreciation for how vulnerable you can get when you're so uncertain about life.

~Kris