Over the top emotional responses

[Shanti]

Hi everyone

I had noticed post SAH that I had become somewhat over emotional and that I cry very easily, whether in response to good or bad situations. Also I find that when I'm cross I come out with whatever I'm feeling right away and don't mince words (don't shout though or use bad language - just say it as it is). Helps in one way though 'cos I don't carry it around with me fuming and ruminating for days before I react, just get it over with there and then (must be healthier).

Like others on here I do have anxiety attacks, especially just as I'm dropping off to sleep or waking up in the morning: one moment absolutely fine - next in outright panic mode. Nothing specific having triggered these attacks a lot of the time i.e. worried about something. The feeling of panic seems to start as tightness in my chest and then I get an adrenaline rush of fear. (Hope thats the correct expression).

As an example of over the top/out of control emotions though: My son who came to stay with us in Sept as his marriage had temporarily broken down (turns out now its a permanent separation) came home on Tuesday evening and announced he was moving out to a shared flat later that evening. Once he'd gone I started to cry and went into full crisis mode: worrying about him, having to start again etc: he's only got his car and a few clothes. This went on all Tues night, and most of yesterday. Just could not stop crying. I know I'm quite justified in worrying about him a little, I'm his Mum, bless him etc. But the way I went on you'd have thought he'd died! It was nearer grief than worry.

Starting to wonder if these over the top emotional reactions are post traumatic stress related?

Having just typed the above I'm now having a panic attack, 'cos I think you'll all think I'm a little daft or something - which probably comes under lack of confidence.

Also feel redundant and forgotten by everyone. On 2 May, my office manager and OH didn't waste time telling me they didn't consider I could carry out my old job and consequently started to go into all sorts of occupational health training options and moving me to another NHS site within the borough. As if I'm up to all that flapping around, learning new skills, having to enter into new working relationships with strangers. I was daunted just hearing about it, so felt I had to say I intended to resign. But now I feel a right old has been when I know really I've always been a very confident and competent person, its just I'm recovering from a brain haemorrhage and its a slow recovery.

Some people though think that because I look and sound alright, that I'm fully recovered and I feel sort of ashamed. When I explain I'm not as alright as they seem to think, they look as if I'm shirking or trying it on.

Sorry not making much sense... just feel very panicked, scared, redundant and stupid this morning.

I think Karen suggested having my serotonin levels checked with my GP, though I might have imagined that. Not sure.

Don't even know if I've posted this in the right place. Off to take my Mum shopping so will check responses later.

Lesley xx

[Tina]

Hi Lesley

You certainly are not a little daft at all, I have moments of anxiety, crying for no particular reason and have lost my confidence. I feel stupid that i feel i cannot walk down the road on my own, just panic, because of my sight. Also with what is going on with your son, it is understandable to feel how you do, as well as the way your work not so tactfully dealt with things, let alone dealing with recovering from a SAH. I to am normally a confident and competent person and it really does get you down sometimes. I have tried recently to really try to focus on positive things, and be really positive, not easy at all, and i do know how you feel, and i am sure it is post traumatic stress ,Lesley. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Take care

Be well

Love Tinaxx

[tennissmithy]

Lesley,

I'm 19 months and cry at the most silliest of things. I even cry at Jeremy Kyle or programmes like that, it is really ridiculous. I also find that I speak the truth now to people where as before I wouldn't have said anything. Like you, I don't shout or swear I just speak the truth! I also don't know whether I get panic attacks, I do get a very tight chest etc so it could be but my doc thought it was more asthma related and sent me to a specialist.

I also am very insecure, get very upset that Simon won't love me anymore because of my headaches etc. Know that is stupid and irrational as well but it doesn't stop me thinking it sometimes.

Know this doesn't help you much Lesley but at least you know that others are going through the same.

Laura

xx

[Karen]

Hi Lesley,

I really think that the added eyesight problem doesn't help anybody's confidence post SAH ..... it tends to make you feel very dependant on other people when you can't get out and about by yourself etc..... it's no wonder that anxiety attacks kick in, as well as the frustration of the loss of control over your life......

Tina is right though, you do need to be kinder to yourself ......you are certainly not stupid.....and you shouldn't feel stupid for feeling panicky/scared either .....otherwise, that makes me stupid too! SAH is a life changing event for many of us and for some of us, our life has changed nearly beyond recognition and it's one hell of a battle dealing with those changes. As females I think that we're used to being able to cope with most things that life throws at us and we expect to be able to cope after the SAH, but many of us can't, even though we don't like to admit it ..... it's almost like we're admitting to failure ..... which is ridiculous when you think how poorly we've been and many of us are still encountering problems with the physical side.

As for being blunter or more to the point since the SAH, I'm the same, I'm afraid ...... I bet that many others are the same ..... sometimes it can be bad enough just coping with your own feelings, especially when tired, let alone having to beat about the bush ..... May be it's the life or death thing and not wanting to waste time or get stressed out again by placating others and like you say, keeping everything locked away within....

Lesley, I would be the same if my kids moved out again ....... I was really upset when Chris first moved out ...... when he told me he was going, I couldn't come out of my bedroom for the whole evening, as I kept bursting into tears.....I felt ridiculously over the top with my emotions ...... it carried on for days and on the day he moved out, I was in floods of tears and felt totally miserable......

Re: the job ............Again, I think that you'll find that it's the same for a lot of us ...... not many people can comprehend what you've been through or what you're going through at this minute ...... I'm afraid that I've just had to become boring to a lot of people and keep telling them that I'm not up to it and perhaps will never be up to it, who know's ...... I certainly don't know what I'm going to be capable of from week to week and that's at nearly 3 years down the line......it's ****** frustrating when you have to keep repeating yourself and tends to make you feel worse about your situation.

Yes, it was me that you spoke to before about the anxiety/depression ..... perhaps it's worth talking to the Doc anyway and explaining to him how you're feeling. As you know, I'm taking Propranolol for anxiety and migraines .... there's no shame in asking for help ..... I waited far too long, as I felt like you did and thought that I should be able to cope....

Lesley, try to take one day at a time and don't look too far forward ...... hopefully, with time, you'll be glad not to have the added burden of work ..... when I resigned, I felt similar to you.....but boy, am I thankful now..... there's no way that I would have coped with the pressure of learning new skills....I can just about cope with this body that I now inhabit!

Give the Doc's a ring and bite the bullet ...... xx

[jess]

Hi Lesley you would think your place of work would be more understanding. You are not silly I still have the odd panick attack even now it is horrible I know but you need to breathe through them. I still cry at the drop of a hat too. Speak soon and take care. Jess.xxx

[Janet]

Hi Lesley

I still get really emotional as well and cry a lot more easily. I 've also found I'm nowhere near as confident as I used to be before. With regards to work I returned 7 months after my SAH and I still find that I have to refuse quite strongly when my superiors try to get me to take on extra responsibilities. Luckily my team leader is very understanding and fights my corner with me.

It takes time and the o.h and your employers should be listening more to what you're saying rather than trying to make you take on a completly different position in a different working environment.

Janet x

[Louise]

I was an emotional wreck last year....thank god for BTG....your not alone by any means.....

Hugs

Louise.x

[Shanti]

Hi everyone

Thank you so very much for your replies. Just had a good cry reading them through. Really don't know anymore how I'd cope without everyone on here.

Laura: you mentioned worried about your relationship with Simon. Yes, feel exactly the same; Paul is bound to get fed up with this etc etc. Just had a thought: would we love them any less if it was the other way round and they had had the SAH? No, of course not. I'm going to hang on to that thought.

Karen: as usual you hit every nail on the head! As women (sorry chaps on here) we are used to multi tasking; I worked full time for 40 years, brought up my 2 children from my 1st marriage alone for 15 years (no maintenance 'cos he lived abroad and wouldn't pay it - when I left him I came home with 1 small suitcase, 2 kids and the equivalent of £5 in my purse) at the end of 15 years I had my own house and a car and 2 boys at University. Never had (or indeed applied for) a DHSS payment in my life. Ironically I'm not eligible for any financial help from the State now! So I suppose I'm used to being a multi tasking achiever and don't welcome it being implied that I'm not capable in some way, don't make the grade.

As John said in his post, I'm not stupid, my level of intelligence hasn't diminished its just physically I get very tired and my short term memory is shot together with lack of confidence and anxiety.

As regards Karen's reaction when Chris moved out: thank goodness its not just me.

Its as if the SAH has stripped away all the coping mechanisms/facades put in place over the years and I've reverted back to the innocent state of childhood but with all the adult responsibilities still to cope with. Hope that makes sense? I get moved to tears very easily: a sunset, a sunrise, nature in all its glory, am very aware of others and their emotional pains and tribulations. Classic near death survivors stuff.

I'm going to sit down this weekend and have a good ruminate about everything; I'm going for my MRI check up on Tues 20 May so will have a chat with my support nurse and the neurosurgeon after the scan.

I will reread all your replies and it has helped tremendously as you all suffer similar things as Laura says it does help knowing that others are going through the same and that in itself makes me feel better.

Thank you so much everyone

Love 'n hugs

Lesley xxx

[Karen]

Hi Lesley,

I think that the SAH does strip away your coping mechanism, which leaves you feeling vulnerable and any unwlecome change, is a huge thing for us to deal with. I'm not sure whether life for me can ever be the same again.....but I would imagine that many of us feel that way after experiencing near death and the burden that we now have of knowing that life teeters on a very fine thread. It seems to take a good couple of years for many SAH'ers to make good progress on all fronts and even though the time frame may seem daunting, things will continually improve ... my emotions have definetly become less raw.

For me, my first year was the worse and I was an emotional wreck ..... that first year, felt like it was about 5 years and I had never known a year to drag like that one did ..... my recovery was like a slug and I hardly noticed the changes. I was determined though to celebrate the 1 year anni, which I did and that was a good turning point.... I think that I was at the 18 month stage when I finally started to accept that I wasn't going to die everytime I had a twinge and if I did, well there was nothing that I could do about it ..... think that I just got sick of worrying myself stupid for those 18 months. I also think, that if I had known in the early days, that I would have kept on improving and not been given that stupid 6 month rule, then it would have made my life much more bearable. It's only been through setting up this website and talking to others that have come before me, that I realised this wasn't the case and that recovery is possible over many, many years .... I also feel that when we "normalise" the problems, it helps... Have you borrowed/watched the Patients Experiences DVD? .... if you haven't, it's well worth the watch, so let me know.

Anyway, enough of my waffling! Well, after reading how you survived by yourself with 2 young kids in tow, then I'm sure that with some support you will get through this rough period ..... xx

[Guest yasmin]

HELLO LESLEY

I CAN FULLY RELATE TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IT STILL HAPPENS TO ME AND I'M 16MONTHS POST OP MINE IS FAR WORSE WHEN I OVER WORK. I'VE BEEN TO WORKSHOPS AND NOW BEEN REFERRED FOR CBT WORKSHOPS I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED ON HOW I GET ON.

AS I'M BACK WORKING I DON'T GET AS MUCH TIME TO LOG ON ANYMORE BUT I'M HERE IF YOU NEED TO TALK

TAKE CARE AND TINA'S RIGHT TRY TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE AND EVERYDAY TRY TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU ENJOY IT REALLY HELPS

YASMIN

XX

[Sasbo]

Hi there

I can only re-iterate what everyone else here says. I'm pretty much 18 months post-SAH now, although I had a second (unruptured) annie clipped just 6 months ago which I think has set me back emotionally/psychologically a little bit and I blubber at the drop of a hat for all sorts of reasons - not seeing the kids for a while, someone being a bit blunt with me, tiredness - you name it! Having said that, I'm confident that I will continue to improve. What we all feel is very real and part and parcel of what we've survived, which for me has to become the watchword - SURVIVED.

As I, too, have been finding it hard I've been back in touch with my OT whom I haven't seen since my last op and am going back for reassessment on Tuesday. It can only help. I'll let you know how it goes and pass on any tips she might offer.

Lots of love

Sarah xx

[Shanti]

Thank you everyone for your varied responses. I will reread them through a few times over the next few days when I have a minute.

Thank goodness I found this site!

Just got a few minutes - big drama yesterday - my Mum aged 83 fell over some rubbish bags left on the pavement outside a shop and we ended up in Stepping Hill Hospital for 6 hours. She now has 40 stitches in each hand and 30 in her knee! She was so brave bless her. So my sister and I are having to take turns feeding Mum and Dad and running around after them for a few weeks. It never rains ...

Still it shook me out of my emotional drama, feeling sorry for myself etc

Love 'n hugs

Lesley xxx

[Karen]

Oh Lesley, just reading about your Mum made me wince ..... sounds v.painful and boy, I bet she was in shock too! Hope that she's feeling better soon and you also take care of yourself.....xx

[tennissmithy]

Lesley,

Gosh your mum sounds brave, when I read your post my hands starting hurting!! Hope you are all taking care.

Laura

xx

[Sasbo]

Hi Lesley

Hope you're mum's doing ok. What a shock and, oh the pain, just reading about it made me wince......

Love to you all

Sarah xx

[Janet]

Hi Lesley

Do hope your Mum is ok it must have been an awful shock for her. I know how awkward it is having one hand out of use but having both sore must be hard going.

Janet x

[Louise]

Hi Lesley

Just read your post hope things are ok, and hope your not doing too much

hugs

Louise.xx

[Shanti]

Hi Sarah, Laura, Karen, Louise, Janet etc

Thanks for your concerned replies.

Mum is improving by the day bless her. She's always been a real trouper, she's now 83 and when I arrived yesterday she was stood washing up (having emptied the washing machine) with extra large rubber gloves over her bandages, looking very guilty! She got told off of course, but she insists she wants to do stuff. So my sister and I are doing what we can when we are there. I think the moment our cars disappear around the corner out come Mum's extra large rubber gloves!

Can't say much really 'cos I'm just the same. Post SAH and release from hospital the minute everyone went out, on went my rubber gloves and I was doing all sorts of little jobs, holding on to the sink for dear life

The big problem is always my dad, he's 87 and always wants to be centre of attention. He always manages to have a row with whoever is visiting (and I mean EVERY visit) about something (usually) utterly stupid. You need the patience of a saint to deal with him. He doesn't like it at all that my mum is centre stage at the moment.

I think every family has 1 saint and 1 absolute little to deal with!

But I'm only doing what I can. I was there for a couple of hours yesterday with my sister and suddenly my legs went from under me (metaphorically) and I just said, sorry got to go. And went. So not pushing myself past my limits.

Had a lovely man who's a neuro psychologist phoned me yesterday from Salford Royal Hospital. Just wanting an update on how I was, so I filled him in and I promised I would phone him on his direct line if I had any mental or emotional problems I needed help with.

Off for my first MRI scan with the neurosurgeon present late this afternoon. Hope they don't inject me with that awful dye, it made me really quesy when I had the CT scan when we were filming my walk on or was it flat on my back part in the Casualty drama last Nov!

Much love, have a good day everyone

Lesley xxx