SarahLou

Mary, oh dear Mary, It's not often that I'm lost for words but I am right now. Your heart breaking story has made me take a step back and look at things a little bit differently. Thank you for that, thank you for sharing that story, it couldn't have been easy for you. Bigs hugs to you. Take care, SL Xx

Ah Michelle, I'd love to join you on that beach. Imagine sitting on the beach eating a box of small geezers, watchin the tide come in.. Bliss! Like yourself it's where I feel most at peace in my head, heart and soul. We've both had our lives halted more than once. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, makes you into the person who you are now. Dance on the beach in your dreams tonight.. SL Xx

Ah dear Lil Miss Goldfish Girlie.. Your post bought tears to my eyes, but in an ok kinda way. I too sometimes would give the world to dance with my past, even if it was for just one night. You've done, and are doing, so so well. Life isn't easy and it isn't fair, but then no one said it would be. Remember.... The wounds I have can heal and although the scars, whether they are visible or hidden, will always be there, they give me protection from further damage and remind me that I have healed. Big hugs to you honey. Keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hi Ron, It's great to hear that you're feeling more positive about things. Thanks for the link about the book, I've just read it. Very good. As you said yourself, it's all about acceptance of who we are now, not who we once used to be. Think of how far you've come since your SAH. I wish you well with your continuing recovery. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hi David, I've been wondering how you were getting on. Oohh hun, sorry to hear that things are the way they are at work for you at the moment. I know how you feel, I'm very close to the line myself right now. If I get that 'when do you think your'll be increasing your hours?' one more time I think I'll scream!! I've been banging my head against a brick wall with one member of staff, in the end I got rather blunt and to the point with him about things. I almost ripped a certain part of his body off!! Poor guy. Maybe it did help a bit though as they've sorted out cover for me for the next few weeks. It's great to be working with a lad I used to work with yonks ago. Yesterday he said to me 'I'm really sorry I didn't visit you in hospital Sarah, I just couldn't face seeing you like that' he gave me a big hug and I told him it's ok, I understand. Then he said that I look fine, normal. Umm.. After a few hours of working together he said that although I look the same he does see the differences. I think we're gonna get on ok working together. What will happen in weeks to come though I don't know. I'm trying to take each work day as it comes but I'm finding it harder than I thought I would right now. I hope that things settle down and improve. I hope that things get better at work for you too dear David. Big hugs to you. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Lil Miss Goldfish Girl, Jess is right. Demand something more is done. SL Xx

Hi Karen, Thanks for the link. It really does make you count your blessings, be grateful for the here and now. Cherish every day with the ones you love. After I'd read this story, with a few tears running down my face, I crept into Miss Cs bed for a snuggle cuddle that was much needed. There really are many reasons to be thankful eh. Take care, SarahLou Xx

Yes, they're worldwide, including Australia, Canada and USA for our fellow SAH'ers and stroke survivors all around the world!! There is a full listing on line. SL Xx

Ooohhh... I'll havta check that out, was told they were worldwide...

Hi MaryB, Sorry it's taken me a while to reply to you. Have you had a chance to look on the MedicAlert site yet? Their items are all quite obvious that they're medical ones. When I've had a change in medical details I just contact them and they update my records and send me through a new wallet card. Hope this has been a help. You can always pm me if you need to. Take care, SarahLou Xx

Hi guys, I've worn a MedicAlert bracelet for nearly 30yrs. It gives me great peace of mind that all my medical history is there in an emergency. My bracelet gives the MedicAlert phone number, my ID number and my bracelet states my medical history. I also carry a wallet card with further info on it. The call centre themselves hold even more info, emergency contact numbers for next of kin and other family members etc. I've never once had any problems with my bracelet falling off over all these years. I did break it myself once but they repaired it quickly. I'm more than happy to recommend MedicAlert Foundation www.medicalert.org.uk Or tel 0800 581 420 Take care, SL Xx

Hi Donna, Firstly congrats on the weight loss, thats brilliant. I think it's only natural to worry about it, to be apprehensive about things. Talk things through with your pre op assessment nurse. Many yrs ago my sis had her gall bladder and stones removed, they filled a lil pot with her stones for her to keep! She's her stones, I've my head staples!! I remember her before her op, clinging off the bannisters at home in total agony. She had keyhole surgery and from what I remember recovery was quite quick. You could see the difference just looking at her face. Keep doing the best you can with the weight loss and exercise, it really really will help your recovery. Keep us updated. Good luck, big hugs to you. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Today I just wanna give up. The last two work days have caught up with me and my brain is complaining big time. The whole of my left side of my head hurts. Pains deep in my head. Bad temple pressure. My jaw aches and so does my eye. I've rested today, slept a little bit, drunk lots of water etc but its not helped much, only feel a lil bit better as the day has gone on. I got really frustrated with myself earlier. Nearly broke friends with that clip inside my head again. Was either going to sob (although I thought I might not stop once I started) or get angry and rant and rave. So I put some music on, had a dance around the living room and then I got the skipping rope out and dusted that off! Head still feels bad but feel a bit better in my soul now. Going out for a lil wonder in a bit, clear my head some more hopefully. I hope that my work day tomorrow won't be so busy. Sandi, big hugs to you, we walk this tricky road together. Take care, SL Xx

Hi guys, A big thank you to you all for your advice and kind words. Thanks also to Gill and Lil Miss Goldfish Girlie for your texts. Today work was really busy again but at least I was in my own store. My manager is still off but someone came to cover the clinic with me. I will be speaking to my manager about things when he is back in store. We do discuss how I am and he has good understanding as his partner has MS and he has a brother who had a stroke. Some of my colleagues are understanding, others just don't get it. My health comes before work and before anyone and anything else. I'll not let myself be put in that situation again. Even if it does mean that I'll loose my job. My hub and my parents went mad when they found out what happened yesterday. Im not sure how I got through today, I feel totally drained. Luckily I'm off tomorrow and I plan to do nothing! Liz I liked your latest post of explaining things as up and down the hill, that's just how it is. I need to sit at the top of that hill for a while, admire the view for a bit. Once again, thankyou all. Much love to you all. Take care, SarahLou Xx

Hello everyone, Oh Sandi K, our wonderful 'back to work' lady of wisdom, hheelllppp!!... I've been doing my phased return to work for a couple of months now, last wk had a increase in hours and change in days. It seemed to be going ok, I got very very tired but know I need to give my body and mind time to adjust to the increase in hrs. However, today I ended up having to work in another store, a very busy laser clinic where they had 4 opthalmic clinics running together. Although most of the staff there were understanding it was something I could hardly cope with. Way too much going on at once. I felt the full blow that i cant multi-task at all. All the noise was way beyond a work environment I can cope with. If they want me to work at this store again I really don't think I'll be able to cope with it. I normally work in a quieter store but my manager was off sick today so I was told I had to work in the other store, it wasn't even up for discussion. I didn't even get a break for some lunch, no break at all. I am so drained I cannot even walk straight and it is a struggle to hold a conversation. I want a good cry. I feel rather broken. I feel rubbish and useless that I struggled so bad today with something that I could deal with easily pre SAH. Typing this is taking mega constration! Please forgive any typing mistakes. My whole body is tired, inside and out. I am well and truely all outta my spoons! Wondered if you could give me any advice please. I value your opinions. Take care, SL Xx

Hello guys, David this is a really good thread , you lil star! I've had a good long think about this question, what do I miss. Well, I don't miss the old me, I rather like the new one. I feel I'm more patient, more understanding, have more tolerance and empathy. I've also learnt that I don't have enough 'spoons' to waste worrying about the past, or the future, I think of the here and now. I don't need things and people cluttering my brain when they don't need to. I cannot change my past but I can aim for different things in my future. I can't hold on to things that I can't have because I simply don't have the energy now. I've learnt that I have to pace myself, plan things better. I guess the main thing I miss, or rather, have adapted to, is the drop in energy level. Pre SAH I'd walk to work which would take about an hour, I'd then work 8 hours, then come home, do the cooking, maybe a bit of housework, play a game with Miss C or something, then go off to water aerobics for an hour, come home then stay up late nattering with hub, catching up on our days. I can't do that now. Id love to read the way i did before, but I've adapted with that too. It's not the same though and I'm getting used to it, kind of. But the one thing I really really do miss is the look on my dear dads face pre SAH. We are very close, he's one of my best friends, my rock. We've been through some rough times together, he saw me go through lots of pain after the transplant, he was at my side everyday. He lives for his family. The first thing I saw when I woke in HDU, while I was pretty much still away on plant Zorg, head tightly bandaged, drains and tubes everywhere, was my dear dads face, he looked down at me and squeezed my hand. I'll never forget that look. When I look in dads eyes now, or when I catch him looking at me a see a lil bit of heartbreak I can't take away. I know he is full of loving concerns but I wish I could take away that lil bit of pain that's always there. From my SAH I also gained 'seeing' my dear Grandma, so like dear Win I was given something to cherish. We went for a long walk and chat, I could feel the swish of her skirt, smell her scent.. I really really wanted to go with her, the pull was so so strong. But she woulnt let me. I think I have gained more than I lost and hand on heart if I had the chance I wouldn't change anything. Now, I've rabbited on and on way too much, sorry!!! Take care, keep smiling and much love to you all. SarahLou Xx I guess my time here is not yet done. I'm still here for a reason, I've just not found that reason yet.

Hi John, Yes, I agree with Lil Miss Goldfish girlie, a brilliant read first thing in the morning. Well done you, I sure hope you're very very proud of yourself. I'm sending a big hug to you. Keep us updated on how things are going. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hello Dawn, Welcome to BTG, a wonderful family of little 'head cases' !! I've also found this site a godsend, the brilliant people here have helped me through some very dark days. My dear sis in law found this site for me. I wish you well with your recovery. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hi Carl, Like yourself I love to walk too, I always have and I always will. On my work days I walk into work, it takes just under an hour, and I cherish every step. A lot of people have told me I should be getting the bus. The buses are very noisy and crowed at that time of day. I need peace and quiet in the morning. But most importantly I used to walk to work pre SAH so in my mind now is if I'm not well enough now to walk to work im not actually well enough to be working. I will walk in the pouring rain, get soaked to the skin, laugh my head off puddle jumping. I don't care what the weather is. We're so lucky to live near ish to beaches and the New Forest. Mary your post did make me giggle, I'm the same with making choices about things too, I'll stand there ages thinking about it, drives me mad! I'll end up telling someone to make the choice for me!I don't think that will change now, it's part of the new me, gonna have to love to hate it! You're still in early days of recovery, go easy on yourself, have patience and understanding. You will get to the goals you want to reach, just not right now. Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly. David, that Forrest Gump quote stayed in my head for ages! Thanks for that! I kept saying it out loud, I love that film. Although saying that quote over and over did make the hub and Miss C look at me rather oddly! I'm having a lazy day today, yippee! Well, that's the plan. Take care, SL Xx

Hi Jo and a big welcome to BTG, a fantastic lil family of 'head cases' !!!! You're doing so well with it being so early on in your recovery, and with such young kiddies too. My daughter was 10 when my brain got re arranged,she's 12 now. She's been fantastic, I'm very lucky. She knows when I'm exhausted, lays me down, puts a blanket over me. Although she does know fully well how to have a mega strop, slam doors and stomp around!! As others have said, the main piece of advice is to really just learn to listen to your body, rest when you need to. Don't push yourself too hard and end up pushing your recovery back. Drink plenty of water. Any help youre offered with looking after the kids, shopping, housework etc take it, snap their hand off at offers of help as quick as you can!! Have patience and understanding with yourself. I wish you well with your recovery. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hi Kate, It must be so so tough for the family and loved ones to go through all this. Seeing the frustration there but not being able to ease any pains or worries. I know first hand how that feels. It's a feeling that rips at your soul, it's heart breaking. Your step dad is lucky to have you there for him to let off steam and vent things. Is there any proffesional help you could get? Please don't take this the wrong way but if you're there for your step dad who is there for you? You say how other family members are but how are you Kate?? We are all here for you,please remember that. As for your mum saying she wants to die, well, I know that feeling, got very down myself and felt the same way, but I found the strength to fight and I'm sure your mum will too. Take each day as it comes. Big hugs to you dear Kate. Take care, SarahLou Xx

Hello David, I agree with Sandi, it's good to hear youve been having some rest time. Umm.. Now let me think, what percent do I think I'm at.. Right at this moment I feel pretty rubbish as I'm feeling rather zonked out. I've increased my return to work hours this week, I'm now doing an extra hour per day (that's 3x 5hr shifts a week now) and I've also changed my work days back to my pre SAH days of mon, tue and thurs. The mon and tue are busy clinic days and I can't believe the difference working one extra hour a day makes. My whole body aches, I'm struggling to think straight, my words are muddled and it feels like I've been kicked in the side of my head, but apart from all that I'm fine!! I sure hope I get used to the hour and day changes, they're pushing me to work even longer hours. We're so under staffed it's ridiculous and it's not looking likely they will employ any more staff. I don't get the breaks I need and should be having. However, I would say I'm normally at about 65-70. It really does vary on what I've been doing, how my sleep is etc. Sleep!!?? What's that!! I do find it a struggle coping with work, home life, being a mum etc. I haven't yet hit a happy balance, I just get on and do things when I should really be taking some time out, rest time. Then I'll end up really struggling, my brain will give me a short sharp kick and it's like it goes into shut down mode, I have no choice but to rest. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving being back at work but blimey it's tough. And no one else understands. Most people just think I look fine so I should be fine. If only it worked that way eh. Sandi, lovely to hear that your work goals are coming together, glad you've had a quieter day though so you can have a bit of a rest. It's so hard isnt it, aiming for what we used to be, used to have, when you're trying to do that with a re-arranged brain. Big hugs to you for doing so well. Gosh my eyes now ache, still waiting on my new lenses, hopefully they will help but there's already doubt due to the strength and the prism needed. All I can do is try, got eye hospital appointment again in march, and MRI scan results I'm waiting on. Oh the joys of playing the waiting game!! Ooops gone a bit off track, I'm rabbiting! Take care dear David and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hello Kate and welcome to BTG. I really hope that your dear mum finds some strength soon, it must be so hard for you and other family members seeing her so disheartened. The strength my family and friends gave me became my strength. They still do. For a long time after my SAH I had very bad concentration, short term memory probes (which I still have), vision problems etc. It totally broke my heart that I can't read as much as I like to. I really struggled with this for a long time. Pre SAH I was reading a set of books I fell into with a passion and I'm really gutted that I can't cope with the next book in the series. It's the Earths Children series, dear Sandi if she looks in will know this set. I've still got the book and hope to read it one day, but for now the 975 pages and tiny print is too much for my lil re-arranged brain to cope with! However, I love reading and wasn't gonna give up. I now read different styles of books and am mindful to choose ones with bigger print. It is a struggle, I do forget what I've read at times and have to go back a few pages. Sometimes I only have a short concentration span and can't read much in one go. As others have said doing puzzles and brain training games is really good too. It did take me a good few months after SAH to be able to do that though. One of the strangest things for me was that after my op I didnt dream, ever, and in recent weeks I've been dreaming again, how weird is that! Our brains heal and recover in so many ways, we all just need to have some patience and understanding. Your'll be your mums strength, just like my darlin Miss C was, and still is, mine. I wish your mum and your family lots of luck with her recovery. Ohh yeh, I read some of the HP books before my brain got rocked, don't think I'd cope with them now, so well done to those that have! Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx

Hi Carl, Your mini retreat sounded wonderful, what a lovely thing to do! Oh for the real thing though eh! I'm glad you liked a letter from your brain, it's a fantastic piece of writing and I have a copy of it on the wall which I read often. Perhaps I shoulda read it new years eve and then maybe I wouldn't have suffered so much on the days that followed! I sometimes still have a good cry, the type that brings you to your knees and you sob like your hearts going to break. I know that it's ok to not always be ok and I'm fine with that. Did that make sense!!?? Take care, SL Xx

Hello Carl and welcome to BTG, you've joined a great family of support and advice! As others have said, it's best just to ride with your emotions, have a good cry if you want and need to. Going through recovery after an SAH makes you go through emotions you probably never even knew existed. For me, at times, my recovery has been a long and lonely road, but this site gives me so much strength. As Gill said, it's all about acceptance of youre not the person you once were, it's kinda like a bereavement. It's taken me a long time to find acceptance and sometimes resentment does kick in and I break friends with the clip inside my head! My SAH was in August 2010, I started my phased return to work last October. It's tough going but good to get that bit of normal back. I'll be increasing my hours next week, and changing my days back to the ones I did pre SAH. I enjoy being back at work but it is hard accepting I'm not the same, I can't multi task, short term memory isn't good, etc. Have patience and understanding with yourself, you've been through so much and are doing so well. Read 'a letter from your brain' in the inspiration section on the home page. It'll make you take a step back and look at things differently. I wish you well with your recovery. Take care and keep smiling, SarahLou Xx