Children dealing with dads SAH

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

My daughter Xara is 8 and is really struggling to deal with with things since her dads SAH 14 weeks ago. It isn't him she has an issue with as she loves visiting - it is thre whole experience that has knocked her sideways - she is always complaining about feeling ill, she cries a lot, she is distancing herself from her school friends. Richard goes to Stoke tomorrow for rehab aned could be there for quite a few months so she will only get to see him once a week. I just don't know what to do. The school nurse was going to see her today but never turned up so that has upset her. I know some of you on here have young children so was wondering how yours dealt with things.

[karen78]

Hi Zoe,

hello, and my eldest daughter is also 8.

When i was in hopital she wouldnt cuddle me which made me feel rejected as my other two cuddles me in the bed, Its only now when we have sat down together or grabbed 5 mins time out that i speak to her about it, She told me it was because there was too many germs in there !! Followed by last night when i was washing her hair she said " Mum, you do know that daddy would of been lost if without you you know " So they are act and responed very differently, Half of us dont inderstand ourselves what happened when we had our SAH, so im pretty sure its hard on children too.. And of course adults.

Perhaps asking her if she would like to have a friend back ffrom school for tea oneday or something ? i hope you are getting support too xx

[JayKay]

Bless her! I would talk to my GP and ask what support there is available. When my daughter was in secondary school she had appointments with Connexions to talk about her dad and it was really helpful; I don't know if they do that for younger kids though. I know there is all kinds of help available to help with bereavement - well they might not have lost their dad, but they've seen some scary stuff haven't they? I do hope you find an answer. HUGS!

[paul99]

zoe

im sorry to hear that your daughter is finding it hard i would like to suggest you contact the brain and spine helpline if you type in the brain and spine you will get onto their website its free and the nurses who are specialized neurological nurses im sure they have links and will advise you how to get help with all the children just in case something is lurking in the background i would offer to come and chat to them but i wouldn't want to make things worse by mistake because unskilled people could make things a lot worse for them you have my number also if they know john he might be able to help you as he does have the tee shirt sorry john if i have stepped out of line

i really wish Richard well and i hope he really improves soon take care sweetheart

[tennissmithy]

Hi Zoe

It is really sad to read about your daughter as often after the event do you really realise that it has affected so many people in lots of ways. I really feel for your little girl and hope that school (as an ex primary teacher) are doing their best to make her feel extra special and allowing her to talk when she wants to.

My advice would also be to give Headway a call. They are bound to have many avenues that you could explore for your daughter.

I rang them today about getting their advice about making a will but now can't remember their telephone number sorry!

[bogbrush]

Hi Zoe,

My boys were 7 and 12 when I had my SAH. The oldest coped quite well, asking lots of questions and wanting to know everything. The youngest, however, was different. I remember him saying he was pleased to have his Daddy back but it affected him more than we knew. He became withdrawn and started having problems at school, which we only found out about some time later. It was only when we spoke to his teacher we did the maths and found that the problems started at around the time of my SAH. He's fine now he knows I'm not going anywhere any time soon.

As you say, your daughter is struggling to deal with this and I agree with the others that it is a good idea to seek some kind of help. Are the school involved?

Sorry I can't give you any more advice. With my son, it sorted itself out with a lot of love and support, which it seems that your daughter is getting too.

[maggie]

Hi Zoe,Sorry to hear about your little girl,she has had her world turned upsde down bless her she must be terrified and confused to say the least. She'll need alot of support to come to terms with whats happened. I would ask the doctors if there is any help available for her.Talking to a stranger may help a councellor will know how to get her to open up. Or how about a Gran or and aunt/uncle ?She may not want to upset you by talking to you. She knows your on over load as it is and kids pick up on things, they are more sensitive to our feelings than we think aren't they! Good luck Zoe I hope you find a resolution soon. Big hug Maggiex

[Karen]

Hi Zoe,

My children were both teenagers and reacted differently to the situation. Lauren needed to keep talking about it to me and looked for reassurance and she also withdrew from her friends for a while, but Chris was quiet about it. However, it did definitely affect them both and life certainly wasn't "normal" at home for quite a while.

I think that we can all understand your daughter's reaction to the current situation and it must seem as though she's had her safety net pulled from underneath her and it must be so unsettling for her and hard to be able to concentrate on anything else.

It's hard to give advice ..... with Lauren, talking did help and we used to have a few tears together .... was probably good therapy for me as well! Think that after a few months, we were probably all talked out and life started to feel a bit more normal ... over time, it all gradually got better, but yes, it was a slow, painful heal.

I think also with Lauren, is that she felt that her friends didn't really understand what she was going through and I suppose with kids, after the initial event and shock, she felt that some of her friends were kind of dismissive with her situation ... not that they really were, it's just that it hadn't affected them and like we all do, we just get on with normal day to day life. Perhaps with Lauren, she was experiencing post traumatic stress at the time and only natural when life is turned on it's head. It's hard to describe, but almost like a grieving process takes place?

Somebody also mentioned on their reply to you, about having her friends over for tea after school .... that's what I did with Lauren and also the dreaded sleepovers! ... I think that it helped and I can remember saying in my story on BTG, that when I first heard them all laughing it was a wonderful sound, as I hadn't heard Lauren laughing for such a long time. It was definitely the start of the healing process for her and just a little bit of family normality started to return to the household.

Just a suggestion, but it may help if she's in contact with other children who are going through similar or the same .... We had a young girl called Roshni that joined BTG, who's father was in a similar situation and Lauren would email and speak to her .... think that it helped both of them. You can find Roshni's post on the following page link http://www.behindthegray.net/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=4422&highlight=Roshni

xx

[kim0811]

Hi

My son was 15 and my twin girls were 11 when I had my SAH. It happened on 1 Oct and the girls had only been at their new school for a couple of weeks and were still settling in anf finding new friends.

My son was very quiet about it, he only visited me once while I was in hospital and it upset him to see me so unwell. I can recall him holding my hand really tightly, not wanting to let go.

The girls visited more regularly and were keen to talk about what they'd done at their new school. They've talked about it a lot since, whereas my son shuts off from it. They are both doing biology A level and covered aneurysms as part of their studies. That helped them understand more about what happened but also showed them just how ill I had been.

On the day of my SAH, my Mum fetched them out of school early and Hazel & Amanda still tremble when they see the teacher who came for them. The school were so supportive, one teacher in particular really helped Hazel & Amanda and has stayed close to them since.

I think the hardest part for Hazel & Amanda was that in 1998, when they were 4, they saw my Dad collapse and die from an SAH. So when I had my SAH in 2004 all they knew was that Grandad died from the same thing.

As a family we came through it.

Kim

X

[johntaras]

Hi Zoe, firstly if I can help give me a call.

When I had my SAH my two daughters reacted differently but are only two years apart. Marie is 30 and Tracy 28. Marie was the one who quite matter of fact asked the Doctor in A&E when I had returned from the CT Scan and he had told Julie and the girls that I had had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage, are you saying my dad might die then?

Yes was the answer, cut to the chase Marie.

However when I was transferred to Stoke later that night she visited every day for seven weeks. She was not going to let her dad out of her sight.

Tracy is more emotional, she could not cope with visiting dad unconscious and not speaking to her. She found the visiting a problem after a while plus the commute from Worcester to Stoke was expensive. She did however take some very stark pictures of my head at various stages of being shaved for operations. I think it must be very difficult for little ones because they do not perhaps understand what has happened to their dad or mum. We are invincible and cannot be broken in their eyes. Why is my daddy or mummy not like they used to be? These are hard enough points for grown ups and the patient themselves to come to terms with let alone a child.

I think you need to seek help from your GP or as Paul said one of the specialist organisations. But I will repeat myself, if I can help at all give me a shout, I am only up the road!

[Skippy]

Hi Zoe

My daughter was 9 when I had my SAH. She refused to come and see me when I was in HDU - she didn't like the tubes and wires and the beeping everytime I threw up. When I was moved onto the basic ward she came and said that the bleeping made her think I was going to die. She was very open with me about how she felt though she wouldn't cry infront of me. Her reason? She didn't want me to be upset, bless her. So we decided that everynight, before bed, we would have a fifteen minute cuddle and she could tell me all about her day and tell me anything she was worried about. Luckily, Siobhan has a brilliant teacher at the time. The teacher, Nikki, helped her through each day and if she got scared or worried, then Nikki would give her a hug. I'm still in contact with Nikki via email even though Siobhan has left primary and is in Year 8. She still pops in to see Nikki occasionally on her way home from school.

We were also lucky enough to have a GP who was quite happy to refer Siobhan to a child psychologist should she have needed one. We got through it by talking about how we felt and by me giving her reassurance that I had no plans on going anywhere.

I know its very very hard when they're young and vulnerable, but maybe talking to her about how she feels, what she's afraid of etc might help. It may also be worth looking into getting some counselling for her - after all, she's had a traumatic shock too.

Good luck and sending you and yours hugs

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Than you everyone for your replies and advice. She had a day off school yesterday (naughty I know) and went shopping and had a day together which was lovely. Took her to GP yesterday afternoon who has referred her to paedeatrician. She has suffered with headaches for many months (before rich became ill) and doc wants to rule out aneurisms as richards nan had the same and it can be hereditary. Just one more thing to worry about.