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Coping - Behaviour


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As you all will know my hubby had his SAH one year ago now and on the whole things are ok but i am at my wits end.

His temper and swearing is getting me down, this mainly happens when he does DIY and everything goes wrong which then makes his temper and swearing worst.

I have cried and cried and basically don't know how much more i can take. i have to think about mine and my daughters sanity. Does this sound selfish? I love him dearly but my god it feels like i am being dragged through hell.:-( I know that sounds harsh but it is how i am feeling at the mo.

Sorry if i sound selfish and uncaring.

Di.x

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Di not sure of advice to offer but to say my Dad had a severe stroke years ago & his language was completelty changed (he lacked the inhibition not to say rude/inappropraite things in public) & I heard him say words I'd never have heard him use before. It was prurely the damage done to the area of the brain which meant he couldn't censor himself.

Anger is a very common emotion post SAH & unfortunately it's the closet the anger turns on as you are most often there. The only advice I can give is to speak to your GP & try & get him some help to handle his emotions & anger. You do need support in this & you have to proect yoursefl & your family so o please speak to someone (perhaps the neuro unit where he was treated) & maybe someone like Heafway could offer you more support too.

I do feel for you Di as it's very hard to accept the change in personality that cna come post stroke

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Hi Di,

I think that you need to do, what's good for you and if it wasn't a problem, then you wouldn't be posting here... and you're not selfish or uncaring.

I live with somebody whose not very tolerant and they haven't had a SAH ... when it comes to DIY I think that it makes the problem even worse and the frustrations even more enhanced ... that's probably why, I tend to do most of it myself!

Have you spoken to him about it? Yes, a bit of frustration is certainly not uncommon, but anger is something that needs to be managed and if you feel that he's being unreasonable, then you need to tell him, especially if you're finding his behaviour unacceptable. xx

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Hi Di

How you all doing?

I can really only echo what the others have said, firstly the aim of this thread is to support carers so feel free to air your feelings. (its better out than in)!

Have you talked to your hubbie? Its important that he knows how you are feeling the SAH affects all of the Family.

Us SAH'ers can be a bit selfish its all me,me,me:redface:

I was extremely fiery, (previously was a lamb). (Emotional Lability) I know every recovery is different but I genuinely couldn't help it. was made worse by people pressuring and judging me. Also My husband was the one person I didn't have to put on a front for, I could completely be myself with him unfortunately that meant he did have to take a lot of the flack. After that first year and subsequent years the difference is amazing. I am forever grateful for his patience and support.

However no one should be expected to put of with abuse regardless of the circumstances.

Whilst he/ you all come a very long way, one year is still early days in recovery terms.

It is by no means a measure of how your Hubbie is going to be, recovery is a continous thing.

Find out from your hubbie how you can help him?

On another note I tend not to speak to my husband when he is doing DIY one of the rare times he is crabid. I just get on help him with whatever he wants or head out with pals away from the firing line!:-D

You take care and good luck with things x

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Hi Di,

When i had my SAH I suffered with Post Concussion Syndrom. This is similar to PTSD. i became very short tempered, very aggresive (to the extent that people who had known me for years had said that they were scared of me) and very unstable. I also developed fixation issues. If there was a plan made, I had to follow that plan regardless of anything else. I still suffer with things like that but to a much greater extent.

I have been prescribed Carbomezapineto stabalise my moods and I have had a lot of counselling and I have developed my own techniques to keep calm.

During the period between the SAH and the PCS diagnosis I really put the Mrs through it. i am certain that hubby doesn't mean to upset you as much as he does.

Another thing to point out, Di, Is that us fellas do like a swear when we are doing DIY.

so when you mix DIY with a SAH, you will get a lot of swearing. :lol:.

Remember that you are just as important as he is and if need be, see about getting some counselling or support for yourself. You have been through it to.

Take care,

Ern

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Hi Di,

I think that many of us do go through PTSD, whether or not it is diagnosed by a medic ... I believe that I did. For many months or even the first few years, everything else in my life, felt very trivial ... and I do believe now, that we can become a little self centred, even though we would not be able to see this at the time ... as at the end of the day, we cannot truly expect others that are around us, to know what we have experienced and how we feel.... it's a tall order to meet and an unfair one.

It's only with hindsight and many years post SAH now, that I can see that "my own survival" instinct kicked in during the early years and I feel that I can make the above statement ... my main focus was me and trying to learn to deal with the anxiety and the thought that life can so easily be turned on its head and thinking about my own mortality etc. However, I can talk 'til the cows come home and I truly believe that talking is the key and relaying your fears and frustrations .... which I know, is often harder for the men folk to do.

You're doing the right thing Di and getting hubby to the GP is a good starting point!

Wishing you luck .... xx

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I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult at the moment. I can't offer you a carer's perspective because I'm a SAH survivor, (coming up to a year this month.) I do take on board how confusing it must be for family and friends to live with someone who has had a brain injury.

It strikes me that maybe your husband is frustrated during DIY because he remembers how he used to perform projects. It's difficult to try and repeat tasks, only to find you are slower or don't have the same reasoning to work through problems.

It's difficult to consider yourself a reduced version of yourself and I am sure all carer's would understand that; however, it must be very difficult for family who have to bear the brunt of our emotional fallout.

Shouting at those closest to us is the unfortunate and unfair way in which we deal with our frustrations. This is true whether or not we've had a brain injury, I guess.

I can fully understand your upset at being shouted at. It must be confusing for you to have your husband behave in a way which is unfamiliar to you.

Conversely, I understand how recovering from a SAH is frustrating and the feeling that no-one understands makes it worse. I become anxious when people try to get me 'back to my old self,' and there can be trigger words and phrases which make me angry, to the surprise of those around me.

I don't know whether your husband is on this site. Would it help him to contact people here?

It may help him to come to terms with things, which will have the advantage that he becomes easier to live with!

I was a real pressure cooker of emotions before I found this site in July. My interpersonal relationships have become easier since that date. I take what I learn here into my emotional life and I've developed more insight and have become calmer.

Hope things improve soon,

Lynne

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I actually get very frustrated and angry and shout at hubby an awful lot when I am trying to do something that I used to be able to do easily. In actual fact I try to do things that deep down I know I haven't got a cat in hells chance of managing.

A classic example is decorating, I love it and used to do it all, especially wallpapering, so I alway try to still do it, only having to give up in the end. It is not easy trying to hold yourself upright on steps with one hand and hang paper with the other, in fact it is impossible and dangerous for me, as time has told me.

Now I just have to get frustrated looking at rooms that are badly in need of doing with not a chance of doing it myself.

I hate to get a decorator in, as well as being very expensive, I feel as though I have failed.

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hi di

boy you are going through it somewhat i can only think that the frontal lobe may have been affected through the sah which controls a few behavioral and inappropriate language outbursts

can you get to speak to the surgeons secretary to see if you can get him seen and possibilities of seeing a neuropyscologist who maybe able to help him control the verbal and temper type incidents and make him a little more settled or reffer him to people who can help him i hope its frustration thats making him like he is and that sonmething can be done to offer you some peace of mind good luck sweetheart take care

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Paul, will be interesting to see what Di finds out ... Oh dear, think that I'm going to have to change that photo, as I thought that it was more funny? .. will have to go, before I edit my own post as being "off Topic" ... Di, hope that the GP appointment was fruitful. xx

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