SO Frustrated!

[Teechur]

I know people mean well, but if one more person tells me there's a lesson in this (I know that) or it's building character (I am a freaking Looney Tunes factory I have so much character), or it's "inspiring how well I'm handling this" (I'm not)...I am going to go postal!

My PT is going very well. I have gone from stumbling and requiring a walker, falling down daily, to being able to walk on my own and even balance on one leg. I've done GREAT...and I was hoping that would mean I could run soon, but now it sounds like it'll be months. (I did cheat and run this weekend, but the doctor and PT both said until the headaches are gone, nothing that jogs the head at all.) So I had a race I was scheduled to run before Spidey and I was planning on walking it. I thought I'd better double check with my PT and he didn't say no, but he said no. You know how they say "no" without really saying no. I know he's right...he said that he was concerned the fatigue would affect my balance and the size of the race I might get jostled and fall and set back my recovery.

I feel like right now I am "Tory, who had a stroke" where seven weeks ago I was "Tory the personal trainer, teacher...the one you see running all over town. She's great!" I want my life back and I'm SO angry!

I know all the reasons I should be thankful, and at times I am thankful. I really am. I know how much worse it could be, but even knowing that sometimes I just want to scream (except it would make my head hurt), and I want to cry, okay I do cry. I just want it to be over and I want to be me again.

I'm not looking for sympathy, because I am sure we've all been here. I just wanted a place to vent.

[Sandi K]

Vent!

And be angry!

It's hard for people to understand. They are trying to help and sometimes I just want to pop them one. Or say shut the hmmmm up! But that part is in my head. Even people closest to me say odd things sometimes and I want to say 'where the heck have you been the last year and a half???'.

It does get better though. A colleague today reminded me that the for the first three months after my brain bleed I refused to believe it happened. Now I speak openly about it and educate all who care to listen- until they start yawning. It's progress.

When people say stuff just remember that they don't have a clue. There are some threads on here somewhere about this. About stupid things people have said that set us off. And you have every right to be angry. Who wouldn't be! It's part of getting better.

Sandi K. Xoxoxoox

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Teechur,

That's something I have gone through many, many times. Usually when I have tried to do something that I used to enjoy before SAH. I've had times when I have been so angry I've wanted to smash my house up & occasionally I have cried for days (literally days) because I want my old life back. And still, having been through this I don't have the words to say something to make you feel better (expressing myself well took a hit in my bleed).

I do know that many others on here have helped when I've been like that and said many things which made me look at it all differently. Sometimes just their supportive comments and knowing I'm not alone has lifted the situation for me. I'm going to stand back & let the people who are good with words say things that make sense to you!

I think we all have to go through this as part of understanding what has happened to us and when I am angry or upset it helps me to give myself a time limit to feel how I do & fall to pieces, let it all out and then try again the next day. Maybe that would help you too?

Michelle x

[Kaz]

so so with you on this one .... people telling me how lucky i am to be alive, how gateful I must feel to have been given another chance .... it makes me feel guilty because i don't see it like this.... and I wonder is that so wrong of me. i am just so angry and frustrated because i want the old me back .... i want to be able to rush around 100mph without suffering from headaches and fatigue, I want to be able to go to the gym 7 days a week and put in 110% without making up for it with headaches and fatigue, i want to be able to return to boxing. I want to not have to worry and get anxious about going out, fret about noise levels and numbers of people around me ... I want to be able to do all those things I enjoyed without the consequences of headaches and fatigue. I want my confidence back, I want my fitness back, Its sooo not fair

Don't get me wrong, I am sooo grateful to be here, but god am I frustrated and p'd off with having to accept and adjust to a different way of life .... why did this have to happen to me?

Thank god for this site, allowing us to rant and rave, knowing that you all understand and won't judge

[Louise]

Vent away honey......

People say all those things because truthfully they dont know what to say....and honestly we'd all have maybe been the same had things been a little different.

Take it from me yes it does get better but thats up to you, I still have days every now & then once in a while when I think Grrr! but they are just that now and then, not like in the begining all the time what felt like 24/7 (but probably wasnt)

But now I think hey that person that did EVERYTHING all at the one time yikes I take my hat off to her but life is so much more easy now....

[donnamarie]

Hi Karen this annoys me too so vent away to your heart is content. the worst one i ever had was you look all the better for having a brain hemorrhage this person nearly got slapped

donna

[MaryB]

I have people say " You look normal". I am amazed.

I do not get angry about this. I think my angry adn joy part of my brain were affected. I know it is so weird. Having the Fibro really made me p'd off all the time, BIG TIME mad about my limitations. When I mentioned this to my neurosurgeon he said "SO you can imagine how dificult this is for someone else?" HUm??? Well yes, but ......... it still makes me annoyed that they offer no information about where I am at and what will improve an what won't. That bugs me. I tthink maybe everything that would make me totally crazy I have just put on the shelf and someday I will lose it.

I also educate people whereever I go- But I usually say I had a stroke it is easier for them to undesrtand. I have no problem asking for help.

[janicegrewe]

I am soo sorry to have offended anyone! I realize we all have issues!But please give yourself time to heal!! 2010 was pretty much a non existant year for me and if I had to be like that I would have been a basket case!!!I have a very strong Faith which aided me in my recovery, and I take it as a compliment whan someone tells me I look good! When I was hopitalized,my sister in law was worry that all the swelling that occurred would be permanent!She said she had no idea a person's skin could stretch that much and then return to a more normal size!!!Since I have no memory of this,it does not seem to bother me as much,I was fortunate in not remembering or having troubling dreams or thoughts,I was truly Lucky!I am truly amazed that those of you who are just a few weeks or months past your hemmorrage are doing so much...I sat and did Nothing for3 months after I left the hospital!Please give yourself time,this was a life altering event!I remember having melt downs not knowing what I could do,but resting, going slow,helped me, and I had aLOT of drs. I had to keep seeing,for my breathing and swallowing.Not being able to drink water or any thinner liquid for 4 months was annoying!I do remember "fighting " with everyone about eating too fast!They were worried about me choking!But I started eating slower when my pulmonary dr. told me my throat had so much scar tissue, from beinf intubated, that the opening was only the size of a drinking straw!Well that made sense to me then,having it explained, rather than just being told to go slow!!2011 was better!but still not quite acceptable!,so I have hope for this year,may or may not be able to do a lot more but I can try!Jan

[Winb143]

Hi all...Vent if it helps us.....I swear now ~ bad bad WinB lol...but I have a wonderful family .....

My hubby never slept in bed ..ahhh bless him he felt he needed to be near me I assume,,or when I was in

hospital he needed to be near phone (as I was out of it....til shunt was fitted). My Sisters say how well my hubby and daughter

have cared for me

Now they moan so I guess I am well..lol...Family say how well I am doing.....as a bit out of it after op and ventriculits and blood poisoning etc. etc.

Good Luck and Hope you Teech will soon be feeling better

Regards

WinB143 xxxxxx

Edited March 16, 2012 by Winb143

[paul99]

teech look in the mirrror and give what you see a kiss you have done so well so far DONT put the cart before the horse because you wont get anywhere take one day at a time frustration can be dealt with there is an old saying patience is a virtue give yourself a hug and say well done but dont put the horse before the cart slowly slowly catchee monkey listen to your body sweetheart and good luck

[SarahLou]

It's ok to have these roller coaster of emotions.

It's ok to rant and rave, to be angry at the world and want to kick out.

It's ok to ask 'why me?' over and over, but perhaps ask 'why not me', then maybe your'll get some of the answers you're looking to find.

Have patience and understanding.

Give yourself time to heal and adjust to the life that you do have.

SL Xx

Edited March 16, 2012 by SarahLou

[Teechur]

I don't want anything to think I'm full of bitterness and anger. I'm really not. It's just that every now and again I go through a cranky batch and I just need to let it out. I don't want to seem ungrateful or that I don't understand the true blessing I have been given not only to have a second chance at life, but in my case a third. I know me. I know when I come out of this on the other end it will be with such an even BIGGER lust for life that I'll be, once again, insufferably positive.

in 2003 a pre-cancerous pancreatic tumor was found in my pancreas (obviously) during a routine CT scan for a kidney stone that was the size of Cincinnati (or at least it felt like that). IF I had not had a stone, and IF I had not gone in the day my regular doctor was out of town and gotten a new doctor, I might be dealing with pancreatic cancer right now, which would make this look like a walk in the park!

I definitely had times of "why me" and I think it's okay to feel that way. But I did also have times of "Well why not me?" At any rate, long story short, I had a Whipple Procedure (one of the most complicated surgeries they do with a low long term survival rate), with multiple complications and a few "she's not out of the woods yet" experiences. It left me with chronic problems that come every 4-6 weeks, but don't hang around (which is thoughtful of them). My take from that? That God had plans for me and I was so blessed to have been given a second chance to do the most with my life and I have lived every day since then with a very clear understanding of the gift I was given.

Maybe because when it happened I had time to prepare for it, which of course with this you don't. The head hurts, you go to the hospital, you sit in denial for 3 weeks, you get out and reality slaps you in the face. I do have many periods of thankfulness and peace. Yesterday just was not one of them.

So I just wanted to make sure you all knew I am happy, I am blessed, and I know it. But sometimes I think it's important to acknowledge how we feel "out loud" in a safe place. The nice thing about emotions is that they are transient. They never last, good or bad. But as long as the good emotions outweigh the bad, that's a pretty blessed life!

[Winb143]

Teechur

Good to see some positives You go get em Girl !!!

Love

WinB143 xx

[Teechur]

Have had a MARVELOUS day today! I walked four miles and felt really good. Light headache, but nothing I'd even pay attention to pre-Spidey (I call my SAH Spidey). I'm tired, but feeling VICTORIOUS from it!

[janicegrewe]

YAY Teechur!jan:-D

[Winb143]

WTG Teech.....As the song goes READY:

Always look on the bright side of life (baa boom baa boom ba bada bada boom)

Monty Python song

Keep getting better xxxx

Love

WinB143 xx

[Teechur]

Every day is a blessing!

Today is a rough day, but even that's a blessing because a week ago I would have said it's a "bad" day. I realize the activities of yesterday impacted today, so that's okay. It was worth it.

I have decided not to look back on what I used to be able to do in a sense of longing, but rather use it as a measurement of where I might get to again some day. After all, I was once a couch potato who weighed over 100 pounds more than I do do right now. I started from NO real fitness level and worked my way up to being a multi-marathoner and ultra marathoner. I can get there again. It might be different and it is definitely going to take longer than I hoped it would, but it's not impossible!

For now it's one day at a time with a goal of finding a victory in every day!

Today's victory was walking 2 miles on the treadmill, making homemade tortillas for a lovely lunch with my husband, and listening to my body and resting.

[kpaggett]

Wow, I was so happy to read all these posts!

I think part of our struggle to is with denial. The many layers. Those of you who just read this and think you don't have any...well, it's very hard to get a hold of the many masks it wears. Being angry is sometimes a cover for being overwhelmed that you couldn't run as far as you once did or that you can't decide the dumbest of things...then the frustration vents out and you label it as anger because for your whole life, it all made sense. Your emotional state was predictable with your thought state. Because every part of your being heals at different rates, you find a strange disjunction that is so elusive that once you think you know it, it's wearing another cloak.

I just had a realization yesterday that I can't be my own therapist even though I've been a professional one. However, I never really knew about SAH before I had one, I learned about Stroke as in Iscemic and what to do about those, but this seems too hard for me to learn on the fly (which is what I would have done before if I had a SAH client)...SO, maybe I can't do it all. Once the physical therapy stopped, I realized that I have higher functions that aren't working right. When you feel like your in a gyroscope, the walking seems important, but after that lifts, I'm left with stuff that was underneath. Sometimes I wish I knew nothing about neuroscience, then I would be blissfully ignorant to the fact that my thoughts don't always match my emotions or my behaviors, and that consciousness is just a construct our 'Interpretative mind' formulates using past experience as a guide. Well, my past is no longer my present, so I can't always trust that my conscious mind really knows what it is talking about.

I'm always sorry for my philosophical rants after I post them, but hey...to be or not to be. That is my question some days.

~Kris

[goldfish.girl]

Kris,

You will be an even better therapist when you are ready with all the hands on experience you have gained. There is so much you can learn from a distance but to live through it personally and come out the other side will be invaluable

Michelle x

[MaryB]

Kris, Up until my 8 month mark I felt like an elderly person. I really just sat there and did not process much of what I was told. I just sort of shut down. I know now why elderly or serious ill people just shut down- it is a coping mechanism. If I were being told I had terminal cancer I do not know if I could have processed any of it. I was so numb I could not care or process it. I always wondered why people did not want to go to the best dr in the field or research everything there was to know about what was going on etc.... I get it now they just can't.

mb