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Jealous of back to workers


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I am not back to work.

I was not working right before SAH due to trying to 'find myself'. I had CHOSEN not to work. But now...how do I know if I'm still capable? I used to be a neurophysiologist. I gave rats SAH all day long. I performed brain surgery every day, injected nanoleters of neurotransmitters, and kept up to date with the literature...and I was very good at it too. It's way harder to do it correctly on such small brains, however, the stakes are higher for humans of course. Can I do microneurosurgery? How can I tell? Am I competent yet and does it really matter anymore? I cry all the time. I have difficulty making the easiest decisions even as my executive functioning is way off the chart above average. So what CAN I do?

Are there others who haven't gone back to work yet out there? How have you been coping?

~Kris

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Sadly I was never able to go back to work and am now of retiring age so that is irrevalent.

I actually, eventually, made a new life for myself doing only things I wanted to do in the voluntary sector plus all the travelling I can afford. I now still do lots of voluntary work, the beauty of it is I can pick and choose what I do and when I do it.

What can you do? You will find something that you are capable of by trial and error, why not start in the voluntary sector as I did.

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Hi Kris,

I did go back to work but my cognitive problems meant I couldn't do my job any more. I don't feel jealous of others who do go back, I just think 'why didn't that happen for me'? It makes me really sad & frustrated and occasionally makes me cry my eyes out for what I have lost.

My sensible side recognises it as a great opportunity to do something else (I was getting fed up with admin work anyway) but even the volunteering opportunities with support scare me. I have absolutely no idea how I will feel when I wake up each morning & obviously a level of commitment is required. Some days I feel good, most days I don't. The good days see me catching up on things in the house & walking my dog myself. The bad days see me in bed or doing something 'simple' like organising a meal, then guilt ridden because that was all I achieved for the day. My dog has a face to add to the guilt trip (luckily my dad walks her a couple of times a week & she's nearly 10 so is more sedate these days).

It does trouble me that I had a 'small' bleed albeit with 3 annis & two brain surgeries required - other people have a 'bigger' bleed & get back to the life they previously had. How is this possible? Why can't I do the same? It drives me mad so mostly I try not to dwell on it. Maybe a different part of our brains took the blow??? I do, however, know that it is not due to a lack of effort on my part or a weak spirit. Knowing that is what keeps me going when I feel sad.

Michelle x

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Where ever we may be at I think the need to do some kind of work is always valid. If you need to try some kind of work Kris goes for it. Does not sound like you will be starting where you left off as I cannot imagine in your healing you are able to or even would want that pressure. Work is a must for some of us. When I had my Neuropsychological Assessment I did pretty well considering. I would not of done so well if it were after noon on any day of the week instead of first thing in the morning. But if you feel you need to do some work go for it. Don’t set yourself up for a big let down by starting where you left off. I have days where I cannot process worth a dare but I work for a company that can work with where I am. At my assessment my NEUROPSYCHOLOGIST said he was most impressed as most people would be applying for disability instead of working. If my husband did not have cancer and could get an insurance policy I may be thinking I could take it a bit easy as work is all I can do and rest. But as of right now I have no choice but to work and I am also pretty darn sure no one wants to insure me as well. I do not have any spoons left for anything else in my life besides work.

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Hi Kris, I'm not back at work yet. I was in the process of starting to plan a gradual return when hydrocephalus came back, so now in recovery from that operation and getting used to shunt so I'm not where you are yet but can empathise.

The longer I am away from work the more doubt that creeps in that I could ever do what I did. I seriously doubt I would have the energy and attention to expend on it that I once did or that I wold even want to. But thats enough about me.

You have a very specialised vocation and a skill set that organisations would be so keen to tap into. How about starting back in something in patient advocacy or working with a charity like penny suggests. Charity work often leads to finding permanent roles that value your skills but that operate at slightly less intensity than the commercial world.

I'm sure whatever you choose to do you will find a pace that works for you. Daff x

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I was never able to return to work either try not to let it get to you its not the end of the world...

Im sure you have other things your able to do although I think the job you did great but you probably weigh things up way to much try not analizing everything so much.

Dont be jelous of those that mangage back to work I think they're all brill and take my hat of to them because its not as early as people thing juggling work & life.

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My Hubby and I had our own company. I worked since 1985 so time for a break...my excuse not to work anymore lol

If you wish to work go ahead...We have it in us to either work or not work.

We are masters of our own lives as after what we have been through we deserve a break xx

Be Well All and Be Happy whatever you do and do not get over tired xx

Love

WinB143 xx

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Hi Kris,

I am back at work, but it isn't all it's cracked up to be. I am back full time, but I get home from work and all I want to do is sleep as I am so tired. Like most people I do it to keep a roof over my head, but it sure as heck isn't easy. In fact it is very difficult most days. The back to work thread is testimony to that. Sometimes I am jealous of those who don't work because they can concentrate on their recovery full time. I would also take the view that this is an opportunity for you to explore other opportunities to see what else you are capable of.

If you are doing the best you can do, no-one can ask any more of you than that. What you do next will be different - not better or worse -just different. You will be surprised what you can do, but try not to keep comparing it with what you used to do, move forward. It's hard I know but we will support you - you never know, there might be an expert on here in your new chosen field! Change is very unsettling sometimes, but before you know it you will be in a new comfort zone and wondering why you didn't make the change years ago!

I wish you well Kris and will watch for your progress. Don't cry for what you have lost - smile for what you will gain!

Good luck

Macca

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Hi Kris,

I am back at work, but it isn't all it's cracked up to be. I am back full time, but I get home from work and all I want to do is sleep as I am so tired. Like most people I do it to keep a roof over my head, but it sure as heck isn't easy. In fact it is very difficult most days. The back to work thread is testimony to that. Sometimes I am jealous of those who don't work because they can concentrate on their recovery full time. I would also take the view that this is an opportunity for you to explore other opportunities to see what else you are capable of.

If you are doing the best you can do, no-one can ask any more of you than that. What you do next will be different - not better or worse -just different. You will be surprised what you can do, but try not to keep comparing it with what you used to do, move forward. It's hard I know but we will support you - you never know, there might be an expert on here in your new chosen field! Change is very unsettling sometimes, but before you know it you will be in a new comfort zone and wondering why you didn't make the change years ago!

I wish you well Kris and will watch for your progress. Don't cry for what you have lost - smile for what you will gain!

Good luck

Macca

Ditto That!

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I can't believe that I am back at work on Monday - 36 hours from now. It has been over 5 months since my SAH, and it was only a small one apparently, but my high end cognitive functions have been affected, and so I'm really apprehensive about returning to a highly stressful job in an open plan office where I work(ed?) as a project manager. It is not something that I feel ready for, but then again I haven't noticed any improvement in my abilities in the past couple of months - only my tiredness is not so bad.

So, I'm returning for 3 x half days per week in my first couple of weeks, and then we will see about upping my hours accordingly. But that means about 6 hours away from home per day (including about 45 mins drive + walk each way) which I'm so scared will just tire me out.

I feel like I can just about balance feeling with having some sort of life (seeing friends, having a drink, walking the dogs, housework and gardening) at the moment - and work is just going to be a massive big blip which will mess that all up. I also resent my employer as I believe my work-place stress contributed to the SAH in the first place. But if I don't prove that I can work I have to question whether I will ever work again? My specialist suggested that I should be back at work by about 6 months post-SAH, and my doctor (locum who doesn't know me) said that the longer we have off work the more difficult it is to get back to work - IF we ever intend to return.

So I'm giving it a go. I'll no doubt post later in the week about how it has gone. Fingers crossed it will be ok.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Pain,

There is a thread in here titled "Back to Work". I don't believe I have seen you on the thread. You may find it beneficial in your recovery. I just upped to 40 hours a month ago and am doing ok. Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck and stay with us.

David

I can't believe that I am back at work on Monday - 36 hours from now. It has been over 5 months since my SAH, and it was only a small one apparently, but my high end cognitive functions have been affected, and so I'm really apprehensive about returning to a highly stressful job in an open plan office where I work(ed?) as a project manager. It is not something that I feel ready for, but then again I haven't noticed any improvement in my abilities in the past couple of months - only my tiredness is not so bad.

So, I'm returning for 3 x half days per week in my first couple of weeks, and then we will see about upping my hours accordingly. But that means about 6 hours away from home per day (including about 45 mins drive + walk each way) which I'm so scared will just tire me out.

I feel like I can just about balance feeling with having some sort of life (seeing friends, having a drink, walking the dogs, housework and gardening) at the moment - and work is just going to be a massive big blip which will mess that all up. I also resent my employer as I believe my work-place stress contributed to the SAH in the first place. But if I don't prove that I can work I have to question whether I will ever work again? My specialist suggested that I should be back at work by about 6 months post-SAH, and my doctor (locum who doesn't know me) said that the longer we have off work the more difficult it is to get back to work - IF we ever intend to return.

So I'm giving it a go. I'll no doubt post later in the week about how it has gone. Fingers crossed it will be ok.

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