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Yvonne and Stuart


yvonne
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Hello everyone, I am new to the forum and would like to share my story.

4 months ago my boyfriend had a massive SAH. He is still in hospital, he cannot eat, speak or move his right side. We have been told he may not recover any more than this. Whislt in hospital he had a massive GI bleedand almost bled to death internally before anyone noticed.

He is in Manchester and I am In london so unfortunately I an only see him at weekends, he knows who I m and understands what I say to him but It's killing me to see him like this, I have known him my whole life and was due to move back home to manchester to settle down with him before this happened.

His parents are very supportive and visit him everyday and I speak to his mum every night.

I feel very selfish and guilty for thinking about myself but I am struggling and don't know how much longer I can keep this up. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Every friday I drive 250 miles to get there and sit by his hospital bed for a few hours over the weekend to drive back here on sunday.

People tell me to be positive but the reality is this may be his life from now on and I'm not coping.

How do you get through the next months and maybe years doing this? I will not give up on him but at some point I am aware we may of reached the end of the road adn he won't improve anymore, how do you know when this is? the doctors just keep saying ''I don't know''.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this.

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Hi Yvonne A very warm welcome to BTG :)

My heart goes out to you, such a devastating and difficult time.

There are carers here that are going through similar. Wishing you and Stuart all that is positive.

You have come to the right place for support.

Take care

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Oh Yvonne , my heart goes out to you. Recovery from bleeds is always different but the strain definitely passes to the loved ones as other people on here will echo. So very hard.

You have to be kind to yourself and look at your own welfare too. I am sure Stuart would want you to do that. I would advise a friend that if they need some time out from all the trips to visit a loved one in hospital they should take it. I think if you explain that to his family they will be supportive and don't feel guilty that you are investing some emotional energy in yourself, it's been a helluva shock. Tell Stuart that the trips are tiring you and let him know that you won't be able to come as frequently as you have been.

Time is the only thing that will bring you answers on the future but I think but having the energy and peace of mind to make decisions once there is more information about his recovery is going to depend on you looking after yourself as well.

When I was in hospital my children used to visit no more than once a week, sometimes far less, my husband came more frequently but I was also able to communicate and tell him that he needed to rest and look after himself rather than run himself into the ground and that was only a 2 hour journey to get to me, London to Manchester is exhausting without all the worry. So be kind to yourself.

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Thank you for your responses.

I know you're right, i'm no use to him sitting there like a zombie. Can't help the feelings of guilt though, his parents visit every single day and his dad is disabled, i can't bring myself to say i can't come to see him.

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hi Yvonne

don't you dare feel guilty sweetheart I have been through the same thing over four years ago, its still early days as such with a brain injury it takes time and support from family and friends and the medical team I would like to ask if your boyfriend is getting support from the medical team is he getting the rehab team working on him which is important. the fact that you only see him at weekends look for the changes in him there will be some no matter how small.

Linda had a massive bleed but she is making tiny steps forwards and a couple backwards but she is still with me and I treasure each day and I can only wait until the next day to see what happens please don't feel guilty I do feel for you as it is a long haul from London and it must take an awful amount out of you talk to the family I know by your posting how you feel but you need time for yourself to be able to take a breather and rest. I have been with lin everyday since but I do have the odd weekend off and its when I go back to the home I realise how fresh and rejuvenated I feel .

so hold in there girl things hopefully will get better as time goes on if I can be of any help give me a ring I will send a pm with my number if you want to talk look over on the top right hand side and click

take care good luck and take time for yourself

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Hi Yvonne it can and does get better even years later however noone can be sure what will happen or if he will recover more the good thing is he knows who you are. All you can do is keep visiting and make sure he is getting the care and help he needs. Hope things start improving soon. Jess.xxx

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Hi Yvonne and welcome to BTG. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through all this. It is extremely difficult, as you know, to see someone you love suddenly change in this way. I am not surprised you are finding it hard to cope - it must be exhausting and heartbreaking for you.

I don't know if you have looked at the 'Headway' website, but they do say they provide practical and emotional support for families and carers of people with brain injuries, so it may be worth giving them a ring to see what advice and help they can offer you.

Best wishes,

Sarah

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Thank you all for your kind words, It's such a relief to talk to people that understand, I have supportive friends and family but they only understand how we feel to certain degree and after a while I've started to feel like the party pooper lol.

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Hi Yvonne,

I was lucky as I come from a big family so they were always there for me and I am the youngest of 10 ie spoilt lol

So when I was out of it my daughter had support from my family.

We all need support even our loved ones.

I do hope your b/friend gets better soon.

Good luck

WinB143

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Hi Yvonne,

Always difficult this. It is difficult when you are so far away - and expensive too no doubt! However, an important thing to remember is that in order to help the weak, you have to be strong and stay strong - is no good and no use if you are slowly dragging yourself down to a position of weakness.

I would suggest that you at least give yourself a break to recuperate yourself and then discuss a visiting pattern with your partner's parents. What really matters is that when you do go - it is quality time. Perhaps when you don't go you could write a letter that could be read to him so he knows you haven't forgotten him or send a DVD of yourself he could watch on a portable player.

You need to stay strong, both mentally and physically - you can't do that when you are doing a 500 mile round trip every week carrying that heavy conscience with you on top of everything else in your life. Don't be so hard on yourself. Discuss it with the parents, I am sure they will understand - but they won't if you don't ask - the key is to involve them in your decision making processes.

Good luck

Macca

Edited by Karen
Line spacing inserted for easier reading.
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