Guest kdenardo Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 It has been 16 months since my SAH, and I am unsure if I am feeling sorry for myself, or I don't know. I have really good days ie. headache that doesn't incapacitate me, to days like the last 3 where, the headache is there, and since the headache is there, the double vision becomes moving double vision(?), vertigo has had me laying on the couch now for 2 days. I write this with one eye closed just to get it off my chest. I sometimes wonder if my family would not have been better if the burst would have "done me in" I don't feel like a good mother or wife, can't watch my grandson by myself. Exactly what is better, why was I one of "the lucky ones" this did not take? I am a 38 yr. old child, and am so tired of it. I am tired of being tired, tired of my CHILDREN getting things for me. I understand that my family would have been devastated, but they could have moved forward. Yes I am taking my antidepressant, trust me lived my life with that. Is depression what is making this more difficult for me? I am just alone. I know that is not true, but it is how I feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 You are not alone........we all have feelings like this from time to time.......it is so hard........but we are survivors.........and we will beat this............bless you...take care.....my thoughts and prayers are with you xxx love Tina xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Hi, No, you're not confused ...... just human and struggling to come to terms with life post SAH ....you're like many of us on here and remind me of what I was like for nearly two years. Bless you, I could have written your post. The dizziness and eyesight problems are huge to deal with ..... I think that's what I've struggled the most with. The fatigue can be all consuming, but with the combination of sight problems and dizziness it does make you feel extremely low. Yep and know how you feel, when you feel sick and tired of being tired ...... it drives you nuts and makes you feel totally fed up. However, it has got better for me ..... the first two years felt like forever and I never thought that I would get to the point where I am today. Life has improved considerably and I'm a lot more independent. That's not to say that I don't have low periods, I do, but nothing like the dark days that I used to have. Try not to be too hard on yourself ..... I know it's easier said than done, when you can't do much and feel pretty useless .... things will get better for you and I'm still experiencing recovery and I'm over 3 years post SAH. The dizziness has improved greatly and the eye is a lot better. There is hope, but any time you need to let off steam, then do it .... get rid of the frustration. I've always said that I should have bought a punch bag after the SAH, as there have been many times when I would have given it a damned good kicking. Are you getting any physio for your eyes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MUTTI Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 SWEETIE YOUR ARE SO NOT ALONE WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU. AND THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I FEEL ALONE EVEN IF EVERYONE IS IN THE ROOM WITH ME IT IS LIKE BEING IN A WORLD OF YOUR OWN AND YOU CAN'T GET OUT BUT IT WILL GET BETTER JUST TRY TO REST AND LET YOUR BODY HEAL IT'S SELF I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE A LONG TIME BUT IT IS THE PART OF YOU THAT TAKES THE LONGEST TO HEAL TRY NOT TO PUSH YOURSELF. IKNOW EASIER SAID THAN DONE. PRAYERS AND HUGS FOR YOU. LUV XXX EVELYN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vivien Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, all I can say is that I felt those feelings myself from time to time but they do pass. Just hang on in there Vivien x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Like Karen a few years back I could have written your post and like the others say You Are A Survivor there are lots that dont make it YOU did no your not confused either there's still a lot of healing to be done. Ok waffled enough hope you understand the waffling take care and smile costs nothing but its priceless.... hugs Louise.xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kdenardo Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 My thanks to you all!! I have gotten over the "bad day" and am doing pretty good today. I am sorry all of you have went through this, but secretly, am very happy someone knows what I am feeling. I am so very happy to have found this community and will be forever in your debt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Glad to hear that you're having a much better day ...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Hi there never say your family would of been better off you being dead because trust me that is not true I would rather have my mom here and disabled or whatever rather than not here at all noone can ever replace a mothers love the warmth of a mothers hug the safety of knowing whilst you are tucked up in bed your mother is downstairs or in a room upstairs. My eldest son is 4 and he tells me everyday he loves me and that is enough to get me through anything, you survived for a reason maybe you know what maybe you don't but you are here you are a survivor and I bet your family are so pleased and proud to have a mother wife and grandmother like you. So glad you are having a better day today. Jess.xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennissmithy Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 You really aren't alone, we will all support you and listen to you xx Try and say positive and glad your having a better day Love Laura xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Hey there As the others have said - you're not alone. I felt very much like you do and there are some days when I'm low that I feel everyone would have been better off without me -but know this, the pain that they went through with you when you had your SAH would have been a thousand times worse had you not made it through. Believe me, they are glad that you made it and you have got through the worst of things. We're all here for you and I know that having others know and understand how you feel can help the recovery process a great deal. Stay positive hun, there will come a day when you will feel like your 'old' self. I prefer to look at myself and the new and improved Sami Take care hun Love Sami xxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ElaineW Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Can only see this from a carer's perspective but I would still want my mum here however "useless" she felt at times but I can imagine how it must get you down - it would do me.. My mum gets very upset some days having been so independent and says she feels useless and too tired to do anything. She goes to bed about 8 p.m. most nights but her body just needs that extra rest now. Hope you continue to have more better days. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasbo Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Hi KD Sorry to hear how down you're feeling but it's really not unusual (as you've probably seen from all the replies so far). I'm 2 years post SAH and 1 year post second annie clipping and still have thoughts just like you do and get extremely fatigued. I have been having real difficulties coming to terms with everything that happened, don't actually know if I ever will come to terms with it, but I do know I have to somehow get used to it. And, like others have said, despite sometimes feeling, in my more irrational moments, that it would have been better not to have pulled through, I know the devastation it would have brought to my family had I not. My partner said today that she is only now really beginning to accept what happened and was yesterday in tears at the thought of me not surviving. It seems to me that shock is a major factor much later on in recovery. This is a great site for helping us all understand what's happening to us and for sharing our thoughts, hopes and fears. Glad you found us. Lots of love Sarah xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest carol Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Im still very up and down,some days Im normal then the next few are if Im in a trance and hard work getting through the day---for me it seems like one step forward and two back. This also has a effect on my 28 year marriage----which was very happy and loving before---Im just coming to terms we both need to accept it before we both move on.I never thought I was angry about it but I suppose Iam ---well Im very confused anyway Carolx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest yasmin Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 Carol We go through so many different emotions after a SAH its a real rollercoaster ride but without the thrill! Somedays I wake up and feel that I could run the marathon both in body and mind, then other days I spend the day questioning what I've done wrong why does'nt anyone care you know all that self pitty stuff, infact I have so many people who do care and do love me but a lot of the time they are not too sure what to say. Carol my annie will be two years in Jan and I can only say it does' get better but I will not lie to you and say it goes away like magic because it doe'snt you just learn to live with these emotions and fears and adapt The good days most definatley outweigh the bad ones though of that I can be SURE Off to my body balance class what a laugh especially the balance bit not giving in though even if the teacher does think im drunk!!! Take care Yasmin xxxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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