tammy Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Im not entirely sure that I fall under this heading of carer, although Im not sure I really fall under any! As many of you know, I am one half of Neil and Tammy (and I am not Neil!). I am still struggling to deal with all that happened to Neil even though it was back in Feb. Its certainly not the same feelings now as then, I know he is here, I know he is well but my own brain sometimes goes a bit crazy in over thinking everything that has happened. I have my days where I cannot understand at all. I still have my cry now and then. I do often feel like a bit of a fake to be honest. Things could have been soo much worst, and looking at Neil now, you would never know what happened on that day. So what right do I have to still feel the way I do? I guess I was very lucky while Neil was ill. Although completely exhausted with commuting to work/seeing Neil in hospital etc, I knew I was going to stand by Neil. It was tricky when he came home as I knew for the first time in our relationship, I had to be the one to do pretty much everything and when in 'normal' every day life things are shared, that was really hard. I dont really know what I am trying to achieve writing this, but I feel I need to start letting it out, start facing what happened head on. I am ok, Neil is ok, we have started our life together as husband and wife having already tested the in sickness and in health part of our vows. Now to find that part in me to face up to things properly. Blimey, typed that without crying! I wonder whether me writing this out, and I will continue to, will help someone else. I hope so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rod123 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Hi Tammy, my wife had an sah in march this year she was found to have 2 annis and had 1 clipped the other coiled got her home and then things started to go wrong and she went back and had a shunt fitted if you don't know that a device fitted into the back of her head to drain the cerebral spinal fluids away from her brain it stop pressure building, as i already stated in another posting i think when something like this happens in your life it is such a massive thing that it is bound to affect you. I know you like me was not the one it happened to but it has a massive impact on our lives as well, i to do everything for Merrill but it's the best of the options we have and it does test the in sickness and in health bit but you sound as though you get through that ok. I think for me at the moment the hard bit is not knowing how the future is going to work out our relationship has changed the physical side as well but you do see things start to get back to normal slowly maybe it's the not be able to plan the future that you find hard or that things have just changed for me I think the world of Merrill and this is my lot now love or loathe it i just get on with it i accepted what has happened and realised that i have to just do whats got to be done.I know it's hard but hang in there and stay strong will pm you my Phone no and if at anytime you want someone to talk to anytime use the number i'd like to be of help. Good luck Rod Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrycornish Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 I dont really know what I am trying to achieve writing this, but I feel I need to start letting it out, start facing what happened head on. I am ok, Neil is ok, we have started our life together as husband and wife having already tested the in sickness and in health part of our vows. Now to find that part in me to face up to things properly. From me over here, for you over there, Tammy 'Attagirl' talking it out is just the thing. There is no reason at all why you should be 'over it all' Neil isn't I bet, his problem is different but we care not only about Neil but about you! I owe you and Neil an apology, I should write and promise that I will and soon, life just seems a tad hectic at the moment. I bet you take as long to heal fully as that old boy you married;-) Talk about Traumatic and Stress watching an SAH must be IT in spades, I'm glad I didn't witness mine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 hi sweetheart hi tammy you certainly fall under the heading as carer believe me and its wonderfull to see you posting on here well done i can certainly certify you are not neil it is perfectly normal to feel the way you are im still having moments like that and its now over a year i find im more sensitive now and certain things make the tears fall down my face and i have given up hiding them and yes the question why?always crops up and i find i cant answer the question and i dont think i ever will no way are you a fake tammy it takes some one who has gone through what we have and come out a better person for it although i wouldnt wish an sah on anyone lease a carer because of what it does to us so dont think that way many people who have been in your shoes havent carried through and stuck with their loved one as you have stuck to neil i think it proves our love for that special person you have got neil ive got lin and i wouldnt want it anyway else you have every right to feel the way you do it will pass in time honestly and being strong enough to carry the weight of doing everything for neil in the early days is no mean feat congratulations darling you did it and came out the other side with a smile on your face please dont dwell on history now tammy you have a cracking husband and a young marriage and the rest of your life to look forwards to the fact you have posted is a marvel you are now letting go of all your fears and writing it down is part of the healing process and also admitting there are times that one would like a little bit of reasurance from people who have gone through the mill which is nice neil is still recovering and will do so for quite sometime but try and take one day at a time and look forwards to the future there are many people on here who i think say the same i for one would welcome your postings with pleasure look to the future sweetheart try and forget the ugly past and have fun hugs and cuddles tammy regards to neil xxxxx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammy Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 Arh thanks guys. I must say, I feel pretty ok at the moment - maybe its the releasing of it all. Neil is just lovely too, I get to keep an eye on him at work too! I think Neil and I are stronger than we were before, maybe coz we came face to face with the unspoken, who knows. I know for certain how I feel towards my wonderful man. I have a lot of respect for him and how he got through those tough times, I can only imagine what it was like for him stuck in that hospital, it was bad enough on the outside. Felt great to have him home again, seeing him become my man once more, being there to witness the good and bad stuff. Thats what makes life I guess. I love seeing my man now, those cuddles mean soo much more!! Paul, by fake, I think I man about being a carer. I didnt see myself in that way. I saw it as taking care of Neil while he was poorly, the same way he does those things for me when I feel yucky - although I cannot have a headache anymore, he has the monopoly on those in this house! Because Neil is ok, it seems wrong that I am posting in the carers bit, other are experiencing caring is its full light and I hope not to offend anyone who is a carer to that extent. The bit I hate the most, is the worry/panic bit. When Neil is on the computer/in kitchen or whereever, and I hear a noise, I panic immediately. I wonder whether he is ok, has something happened, has he hit his head, all completely bonkers thoughts but they are still there. I am sure they will fade eventually, but for the moment, it still feels a bit raw. I am yet to suss out how you DO get over this you know. I will always rememeber the day it happened, I will never forget the feelings, what I saw. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammy Posted September 28, 2009 Author Share Posted September 28, 2009 Oh and Perry, dont be dappy, you dont need to apologise. Hope you are well. Big hugs to you! x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Hi Tammy This is a subject that has come up with myself and Morris he like yourself didn't and still doesn't see himself as my carer even though in the first few months after my SAH he definitely was. I think that the families and partners whether they see themselves as carers or not because of having to see their loved ones suffer a Brain Haem and come so close to death are also affected with anxiety and stress. As the others have already said this site is for everyone affected by SAH or stroke as our families and friends also need to be able to understand and share their experiences. So pleased to hear that Neil is doing well now and remember we're here for you both when you need us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 tammy you still have every right to post here you have the t shirt honest and yes i do know what you mean i love lin and thats why im there for her she is my sole mate end of i dont think im lins carer but you worry about neil and care for his welbeing you have just told all of us lol so there you are you dont get over it tammy you get use to it im afraid so to speak hope to hear from you soon hugs and cuddles Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myratas Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Hi Tammy I wish my sons would register here and express how they feel too, I think you are brave and a caring person and all carers deserve the help they need when one of their family members suffer from SAH. My sons won't talk about it but everytime I say I don't feel well I can see the concern they have. It is only now that my elder son Asim told me that he collapsed at work when I was in hospital, he felt devastated when I did not regonised him. I am sure Neil appreciates your help and understanding and just like I often do I hug my boys a lot and now I am sending you a virtual hug too. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Hi Tammy, Really pleased to see you posting! My 15 year old daughter in particular, was pretty traumatised after I had the SAH and would constantly talk about the event with me and didn't like me being left alone and became particularly distressed if I was unwell with the head .... I think that this was full on for about 6 months, but it finally got less and less.... I really didn't understand what had happened to me at that point, let alone how she felt .... bless her, but I think that the continuous chatting helped her to start to come to terms with it and me also. In the end we were kind of "all talked out" .... ..... The atmosphere in the house felt a bit alien for quite a while as well .... think that it was the same for the whole family .... and the first indication of things starting to go back to normal, is when Lauren had her friends over and I could hear her roaring with laughter! ..... I couldn't help but laugh myself at the wonderful racket coming from her room and quietly thought, that maybe things were going to be alright? ..... In fact, I often think that Lauren perhaps still has the greatest understanding of what happened to me ...... My husband and son were much quieter on the subject and both tended to silently worry over me .... but I had often wished that they had aired and shared their fears and worries with me, rather than bottle it up. I suppose that we were all kind of treading on eggshells in the early months and not wishing to upset each other .... Glad that you're on here Tammy, I'm sure that it will help ..... xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellieone Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 hi tammy my mum and my sister have suffered a great deal since i became ill in march 09. they both looked after my children aged 11, 3 and 7 wks at the time. there lifes were turned upside down both had been doctors and told that they were suffering with post traumatic stress. my mum still has not gone back to work although as time goes by she does less for us, it has effected her pretty bad, she doesn't like to talk about it and my sister blocks it out they both witnessed what happened whilst it was happening. i feel for them as i don't no how i would have coped if i had seen them like it its terrible to see someone close to you in that way, so close to death, and then i was paralysed couldn't do a thing for myself till 8wks after. my 11 yr old doesn't talk about it and when i speak to her she makes it short ands sweet, my 3 yr old talks alot about hospital and my poorly arm and leg, my baby does'nt have a clue and thankfully we didn't loose our bond. i no they all worry about me but try not to show they are overly concerned, i have anxiety attacks and i see the worry in their face. i think that as a carer you feel you need to be the strong one and when the cared for are alot better the carer starts to wind down from all the stress, worry etc and then it starts to take a toll on them, its so important to let it out, you've been through so much yourself. kelly xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Hey there My 12 year old witnessed mine too (she was 9 at the time). She still doesn't like to speak about what happened and hates thinking how differently it could have been had I been on my own when it happened. She didn't come to visit me in hospital while I was in the HDU and only came once all the tubes and monitors had been removed. My husband was with me too and was at a total loss as to what to do for me after - just being with was enough and holding me when I cried and reassuring me when I thought I was going mad etc It is hard for family members cos it's a wake up call for them too - my Dad and I are closer now than we've ever been. I'd only seen him cry once in my life and that was when his Dad died, but after my SAH I used to stay with him and mum when hubby was at work and I felt anxious. My Dad used to come and sit on the bed with me and hold me while I cried and he cried with me. He still referers to my brain hem as a "Doo Dab" cos he hates the thought of me being so close to death. It's an emotional time for everyone and the best thing to do is to let them know that its OK to talk to you about it or to let you know if they're worried etc. It will get easier for everyone with time. Take care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kellieone Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 neither of my children really came near me in hospital and my oldest when she did didn't really speak to me, as soon as i could walk it was like someone had switched a switch on, they both immediately went back to normal with me, my daughter laughing and joking and my son jumping on me which hurt but i tried not to let it show ouch ha ha it's harder for children because they don't really understand and it's alot for them to deal with. like sami i let them no thats it ok to say and ask what ever they like, that all thoughts and feelings are ok xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammy Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 OH poo, I had a whole bit typed and hit the wrong button and lost everything! Right, Ill try again then shall I?! Myra, I think your son should register on here. Even if they do what I did to start with and sit back, read, suss out and then write if and when ready. Its taken me ages! I think he, like me, probably feels he cant admit he has/is struggling to come to terms with everything because it didnt happen to us. But as witnesses to it, it has an effect too just in a different way. I'd be happy to talk to him if he wanted - just PM me, Im happy to give my number. Karen, Think you might be stuck with me now, Ive started and now cant stop! I remember Neil saying to me when in hospital, that even though he was snoozing most of the time I was there, it was a lovely feeling knowing I was there, not really talking but still there. I think that was important for me too, I wanted and needed to be there for him. The whole experience hit me more when Neil came home and was doing things for himself again. I became a bit more redundant (in the best way because things were returning to normal again) and my brain caught up with what had happened. I keep getting that feeling though of something caught in my throat as though I am going to be sick. ITs not at any particular time, can be just sat watching TV. Something makes me think of it all. Does that makes sense? Blimey, when you reread what I wrote, I do jump around a bit dont I? Just trying to get out all those things stuck in my head! Appreciate all your support guys, love you all! xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 but thats what we are here for tammy its normal honest i understand the bit whereas being made redundent lol i dont think neil would agree lol although its nice to get it out in the open well done tammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rod123 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Hi tammy i think that feeling you get in you throat as though something is stuck there is brought on by stress as i experienced this many years ago i'd have a word with your gp as they can give you something for it, good luck Rod Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Hi Tammy Yes lovely to see you posting, and writing how you feel really does help so much. My husband was there when I had my SAH and he's never said anything about it but we talk about what happened when.....as I've actual memories of the time at all it helps me understand and maybe talking helps him too. I think its eaqually hard for those that have the SAH and those who are there/care they have a difficult time adjusting..... again lovey to see you posting take care, hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tammy Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 You lovely lot. I thought it was about time I started to release all those feelings. I feel good about it, I feel ready to confess to my feelings as it were. My secret visits helped loads, its really nice to have somewhere to escape to and for someone to understand and explain things and thats you lot that is! I kind of hope that if anyone else reads this and has felt the same as I have, then they do not feel frightened and scared or feel alone. Thats such a horrid feeling because at the time, you do feel very very alone. It does feel like nobody understands and yet they/you all do. Love this little place, its reassuring, and its like an extra family that Ive not met. T xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle C Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Hi Tammy, So glad Neil is doing well. My daughter witnessed the whole thing, i was on the school playground doing a swoppsy for another teaching assistant. I could see her come running towards me just at the moment i needed to lean on the fence...she was quite traumatised at first...she will talk about it and always has done which is a relief...she actually laughs now and she calls it the"pouring the coffee all over my shoes incident which is what happend just before i slid down the fence!! im just glad my lttle boy didnt see i had just taken him to nursery that day and they were just about to come out for playtime. talking of emotions...my Neil (hubby) is way more sensitive than before my SAH/stroke and will get quite tearey watching somethingon TV..he will talk about it sometimes and always tell me how lucky i was to survive and how well i am doing which helps on my "dark days" Nice to see you posting, take care. Love luck and laughter Michelle c Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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