ANGER becoming an issue

[amexdm]

Hello,

I know that anger can be a little side affect with SAH but have managed it pretty well so far. I just find when someone pushes me I get MORE angry then I might have pre SAH. The problem: My wife has just been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. We don't know what stage until they operate. It could be treatable or it could be bad, we have no idea. It has certainly set me back considering i have an SAH. I just found out 5 days ago. The point is she has been very angry and abusive towards me. I understand she is scared and I support her with all my strength and heart.

She took care of me 24/7 when I was sick and I will do the same for her. But she cannot control her anger and doesnt think she does anything wrong. I realise this is normal for a cancer patient but there has to be a limit. I have asked her to not speak to me that way as I am trying to help her. It has become intolerable. The only thing I can think to do is leave the house for a few hours but then I feel like I'm abandoning her. I know its early but it has gone south quick. Anybody have any anger control techniques they can suggest when someone is taking it out on you? Thanks everyone.

David

[Lin-lin]

I am very sorry to learn of your circumstances. I empathise that the two of you are battling very difficult issues, which perhaps combined are spilling over into proportions which are unmanageable.

Post SAH our emotional resources to deal with other people become limited. I know this is the case for me as I previously had very broad shoulders in dealing with others.

I imagine your wife's resources are similarly dented, and when under stress we can perhaps lose our ability to empathise and can become focused on our own issues. This is not uncommon and maybe it is a deep rooted survival instinct of ours. Whatever the reason, it perhaps needs addressing in a way which is healthy for you both.

My first port of call in your circumstances, would be to contact brain injury charities, (in the UK we have Headway,) and contact a cancer charity, (here we have Macmillan.) I would explain the combined anxieties within the relationship and ask for help before it reaches a crisis. This could involve the charities visiting us in the home and perhaps directing us to their own counselling services which could take the form individually or as a couple.

Prior to my SAH I would never have accessed counselling. I did not feel that I was the 'type' (I now know there is no type,) but it was completely off my radar. Before I sought counselling, a psychologist, perhaps sensing my reluctance, told me that if my boiler broke, I would call a plumber, if I needed help to tidy my garden, I would ask my Dad; if I need help with my emotions, why not call a psychologist? Put it that way, it sounded obvious and straightforward, and is a process which has helped me enormously.

Good luck,

Lynne

[KeithH]

David

I can only repeat what Lynne has said.

Wishing you all the best for the future, stay positive. My thought and prayers are with you both.

Lynne-That has to be one of the best replies I've read to a post in a long time.- Thank you

[Liz D]

http://www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/selfhelp If you click on this link and then enter Anger in search box, you should find the booklet on Anger. You will see that there are booklets on all sorts of subjects.

Hi David

I'm sorry to read that your wife has been diagnosed with cancer. I work for our NHS within Psychological Services. I've included a link to a self help booklet on Anger. Our psychologists give these out to their patients if they are helping them with anger management, I hope it may help you a little. The psychologists also have relaxation techniques that they can teach. Can you access psychological help?

The professor of neurology that was treating me, explained that after a SAH parts of our personality can become exagerrated. People have different ways of dealling with things. Therefore if you were prone to outbursts of anger, when feeling stressed, before your SAH then you may be prone to even more outbursts afterwards. It sounds like your wife is feeling very stressed and no wonder, what a very scary diagnosis to be given. I think you are doing the right thing at the moment by taking yourself away from the situation, rather than escalating things. Have you tried explaining to your wife, when things are calm, why you leave the house and ask her how it makes her feel? But maybe you should visit your GP, explain all that is going on and tell him/her that you need help and support to get you both through all of this. You both are having to deal with such a lot at the moment.

Edited November 26, 2011 by Liz D

[Skippy]

Hi David

I whole heartedly agree with what Lin has said. I too went for counselling after my SAH and I was also reluctant to go - the stigma etc - I've always been a tough person and have been able to deal with anything that life threw at me -until the SAH. It made me feel vulnerable and so so so angry and I can imagine that your wife is now feeling those similar emotions - she's scared, vulnerable and very angry - and unfortunately for you she is taking out on the one closest to her and the one she loves most - you. I know it will be hard but be as patient as you can be and realise that this is her fear and anger talking not her heart.

I would definitely recommend that you both see a counsellor for your respective "issues" and hopefully then there will be a common ground for you to help each other through what is a seriously hard tim.

I have my fingers crossed and am praying that her cancer is treatable and that they have caught it in time.

[jess]

Hi David I hope your wife gets the help she needs and is soon on her way to recovery, I feel for you the way your wife has been with you however it must be really hard for her too, I understand where you are coming from but I can also see why your wife is angry and it isn't you she is angry with it is the cancer. Think back to when you had your sah I expect you changed quite alot especially at the start, just remember how you felt when you found out it was a sah. Your wife as just found out she has cancer she must feel so scared right now and so alone. I know you are there for her but let her know and keep telling her and let her know you love her don't let a day go by without telling her. Jess.xxx

[SarahLou]

Hello David,

My heart goes out to you both. I'm so sorry to hear of your wifes cancer. On top of your SAH it must feel like the world is against you.

I have some understanding of what you're going through. Nearly nine years ago my hub was diagnosed with a critical illness, end stage renal failure. The emotions and feelings we went through can't be put into words. I was angry, so so angry with the whole world. My hub never once, and still hasn't to this day complained. He got ill, very very ill and we were told to say our goodbyes. But somehow from somewhere he found the strength to fight. Five years ago he had a kidney transplant (from me) and he's doing ok now. We live each day as it comes because we never know how long that kidney will last. It's already more than half way through it's 'expected' life. As a family we went through some very tough journeys.

We got great support, were told to treat his change in life as a bereavement.

Things for us were getting back on track when in august last year our world got rocked by my SAH. Tables turned and I was the one fighting for my life.

Sometimes you really just think, that's it, that's enough, we can't take any more.

It's ok to be angry, to want to kick out at the world.

Life is unfair. Really unfair.

For us I think it's made us all stronger, made us realise what's important in life.

Please, as others have said, get some proper professional help.

Keep talking to one another, don't shut things out or try to hide your feelings. Have big cuddles and break your hearts sobbing if that's what you want to do.

You will find strength to get through this together.

I wish you both luck in your journeys. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care and keep smiling,

SarahLou Xx

Edited November 26, 2011 by SarahLou

[Winb143]

You and your wife have both been through it.....She must be scared so not much I can say to you except Good luck to you

both.....and keep your chins up

Best of Luck

WinB143 xx

[amexdm]

Hello,

Thanks to everyone for their replies and warm wished. We got an appt today at Karmanos Cancer Institute for a 2nd opinion on her case. We hope that we will get some more answers today. I spoke to the nurse who is her case manager and she said they have counseling available for her and me as well as a library at the Cancer Center. Her previous docttor said they cant do surgery til Jan 9th.

To add to the stress, she has been estranged form hersister for 3 months due to her sister not being there when I was in the hospital. They reconciled last week but I made it very clear to her sister that if she is not a part of the team then she is not welcome in our relationship. My wife agreed. Maybe we'll get some good news today.

Thanks to everyone for listening and I will update later.

Hugs,

David

[Sandi K]

Hi David, I hope the appointment goes well today. It's a heavy burden you and your wife are carrying and my heart goes out to you.

I have been seeing a psychologist as part of my NASAH recovery and interestingly we haven't discussed anger in great detail. I do notice I have very little patience for what I consider things that are a waste of my time and that includes conversations that aren't honest. Because of this I'm much more blunt and less diplomatic and less polite than I used to be. I come across as the 'b' word at work and I take my husband by surprise with my short snappy responses. I'm trying to be more aware of it but I think it's a common theme. When you've come close to having your life cut short suddenly you just don't want to do the 'dance' of things that drive you crazy anymore. Does that make sense?

Sandi K. Hugs.

[Bill B]

Hi Sandi,

Your post has struck a chord with me.

I have always carried anger within me, political, social, behavioral, and just down- right disappointment with the intolerance that manifests itself within

mankind's crippled journey upon this planet.

As a younger man I vented the pressure by performing in a punk band and delivering stand -up political vitriol at hapless audiences.

Since my SAH I have been blessed with a clarity of purpose that has given me a strength that I could not have imagined all those years ago.

I have a constant inner dialogue playing in my mind whenever I find myself in conversation with people of less than genuine purpose.

It goes something like this...."I have no interest in your self-serving whine..... talk about something positive or just shut- up... don't tell me what you

can't do , tell me what you can do......if it's all so bad, why don't you leave"?.... etc,etc.

Heads are rolling at my college now, and I am proud to say that my input into the demise of so many useless managers has been significant.

I currently, have no effective manager and am free to do, what I do supremely well, that is to teach.

My anger has paid off. My protestations have been heard by the people at the very top.

My fellow, right thinking, colleagues and I have been entrusted with all the power within our department and we feel truly liberated by this.

The point of telling you all this is, that without the SAH and associated clarity, none of this would have come about.

I would have lived my life in silent rage, assuming that I could not change the status- quo.

There is a power that comes from near death experience, felt by all that come into contact with you.

My sense of purpose and lack of tolerance for selfish behavior transcends all political correctness because of my unique perspective.

I use this insight mercilessly at work, exposing the limp excuses of time serving, "Peter Principle" parasites that have no care for the damaged

individuals that we teach.

So you see Sandi, I too, have no time for the dance, in fact ,I don't know how much time I have at all.

I am not going to waste a second of what is left, in meaningless posturing.

I needed to say all that!

It makes me slightly less angry to get it off my chest.

All the best.

Bill B

[Winb143]

I totally agree with Sandi and BillB.. I look on it that we could have popped our clogs ..But we never !!!!

We should be glad we came back to the ones that Love us and let them know how glad we are to be with them......

Alright I admit it I do let fly now and then ....it's the brain !! not me !.....okay it is me sometimes

Instance 1 At funeral of my hubbys Aunt my hubby went to relatives...muggins here thought he was behind me

Saw in laws laff and snigger then realised hubby had gone, I felt a right berk....talking to myself !

Was more angry at my in laws attitude towards me wanted to punch them in the face.....anger welled up inside of me

felt tears coming...so I called Hubby....told him when he was ready could we go...then we got into car and I let rip language

I never knew "Your family are sh*ts etc etc lol

I look back on it and find it funny but I wont be talking to myself or my in laws for a while....lol.................

People can laff with me but Never at me....phew got it off my chest !!!!

Love to all

WinB143 xx

[amexdm]

I am very sorry to learn of your circumstances. I empathise that the two of you are battling very difficult issues, which perhaps combined are spilling over into proportions which are unmanageable.

Post SAH our emotional resources to deal with other people become limited. I know this is the case for me as I previously had very broad shoulders in dealing with others.

I imagine your wife's resources are similarly dented, and when under stress we can perhaps lose our ability to empathise and can become focused on our own issues. This is not uncommon and maybe it is a deep rooted survival instinct of ours. Whatever the reason, it perhaps needs addressing in a way which is healthy for you both.

My first port of call in your circumstances, would be to contact brain injury charities, (in the UK we have Headway,) and contact a cancer charity, (here we have Macmillan.) I would explain the combined anxieties within the relationship and ask for help before it reaches a crisis. This could involve the charities visiting us in the home and perhaps directing us to their own counselling services which could take the form individually or as a couple.

Prior to my SAH I would never have accessed counselling. I did not feel that I was the 'type' (I now know there is no type,) but it was completely off my radar. Before I sought counselling, a psychologist, perhaps sensing my reluctance, told me that if my boiler broke, I would call a plumber, if I needed help to tidy my garden, I would ask my Dad; if I need help with my emotions, why not call a psychologist? Put it that way, it sounded obvious and straightforward, and is a process which has helped me enormously.

Good luck,

Lynne

Hello Lynne,

Thanks for your response. What you say makes alot of sense. I was very good at controlling my emotions pre SAH but now it is being tested. My wife has zero control over her emotions and anger so it's more a battle of controlling her without her killing me. We are now needing to get a third opinion for her cancer as the first two were so far apart. Sory for the late response.

David

[amexdm]

Hello David,

My heart goes out to you both. I'm so sorry to hear of your wifes cancer. On top of your SAH it must feel like the world is against you.

I have some understanding of what you're going through. Nearly nine years ago my hub was diagnosed with a critical illness, end stage renal failure. The emotions and feelings we went through can't be put into words. I was angry, so so angry with the whole world. My hub never once, and still hasn't to this day complained. He got ill, very very ill and we were told to say our goodbyes. But somehow from somewhere he found the strength to fight. Five years ago he had a kidney transplant (from me) and he's doing ok now. We live each day as it comes because we never know how long that kidney will last. It's already more than half way through it's 'expected' life. As a family we went through some very tough journeys.

We got great support, were told to treat his change in life as a bereavement.

Things for us were getting back on track when in august last year our world got rocked by my SAH. Tables turned and I was the one fighting for my life.

Sometimes you really just think, that's it, that's enough, we can't take any more.

It's ok to be angry, to want to kick out at the world.

Life is unfair. Really unfair.

For us I think it's made us all stronger, made us realise what's important in life.

Please, as others have said, get some proper professional help.

Keep talking to one another, don't shut things out or try to hide your feelings. Have big cuddles and break your hearts sobbing if that's what you want to do.

You will find strength to get through this together.

I wish you both luck in your journeys. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care and keep smiling,

SarahLou Xx

Sarah,

It sounds like you have been thru so much. I admire your courage. I'm glad your husband is ok and hope everthing still goes well. It has been a rough three weeks and we still dont have an answer.

David