Boyfriend trouble?

[debz]

Hi everyone, quick question.

I had 2 coils fitted about 14 weeks ago now, and although I tire easily and my scar tingles and is still some times painful, I feel I am now back to running the house pretty well. Anyway, today my usually patient and supportive partner told me "I can't remember you ever being well actually!". Now this came as a bit of a blow as you can imagine, I know I complain sometimes if my tiredness and pain get bad but I try really hard to make ours a happy home and as close to what it was pre surgery. Has anyone else experienced their partners being less patient than they used to be? Is it, do you think, the trauma of it all for them coming out? I'm a little worried as he is/was a very patient man before (he works in the care industry) and is getting more and more irritable. Any ideas, experiences greatly appreciated.

Debz xx

[jess]

Debz have you tried talking to him and telling him how you feel and listening to how he feels and how it affected him. I had to leave my husband because of his behavior. Hope you manage to work it out. Jess.xxx

[MaryB]

Debz,

I am sorry your partner has behaved that way. I would try to have a conversation about it and find out the reason he is feeling this way? You look pretty young is it immaturity or something more? Of course I would suggest to have this conversation on a good day for both of you.

My husband has been more than understanding but he says he is ready to sell this old house and move. I think it is because I use to do much more around the house than he did and now it is the reverse. I liked projects and he would be happy to never have another as long as he lives. Life just does not work that way when you owned a home.

Anyway ... I think it is something to get aired out and see how he is feeling.

Good Luck, maryb

[iola]

Hi,

It really has not been that long since your SAH and I'm only a few weeks ahead of you. I know that my husband, even though very supportive, wonders why I just can't accept this happened and have a positive outlook on life. I know with me my 'comfort level' with all of this can vary depending on how I feel that day. We are both in the early stages of recovery and it is just down right hard some times and since no one sees a a scar anywhere they cannot understand why you are not you.

I could be completely off, but, maybe not.

I

[Bill B]

Hi Debz. I am no expert, but have been through the full range of relationship experience, in the eight years of post SAH recovery. First of all, I would tell you that everything is great now. It has not always been so. Like you , I have had accusations of lazyness, selfishness, matyrdom, pity-milking behaviour and "for God's sake pull yourself together" , and get over it! The lack of a scar is a handicap. No-one would abuse a wheelchair- user or white stick carrier etc, etc. But we are different,......no visible sign. This is the problem for some partners. We, know that the exploded head is just the same as heart attack or trauma injury but others don't see it like that. One day ,you were fine, then you were in hospital, then you come out, ......you look just the same,.but you are not the same. I don't know if you can have this conversation with your boyfriend, but you need too. It has taken me years to ,finally, explain all the long term residue of my event. Now we are at peace with it all. I hope you can resolve your situation. Talking it through is the only way. He may just need more information, something that is ,sadly, lacking from the follow-up care. One more thought,.....this didn't just happen to you,....it hapened to your family and friends as well. The response of loved ones take many forms. Some will push you, some will tread on eggshells, some will ignore it all, and some are not really your friends at all. All of them have their own way of dealing with your trauma. Be patient with them, it's all new to them as well. Good luck. Bill.x.

[paul99]

hi debz

im so sorry to read your posting and hope it can be resolved sweetheart. although I have worked in the care industry I am thinking that your partner could be finding the whole episode uncomfortable as he cares for others he is caring for you when he comes home he may think its his job to look after you and may seem to be now 24/7 which maybe untrue but to him it might be this thoughts. has he been on here to see what you have said maybe it would help him comes to terms of what has happened

Because it has affected him as well talking would be good but with someone who either understands what has happened and how it affects you and him. I know when lin collapsed my world was really blown apart and yes it has made me a different person and how I see things but I still love lin and spend as much time with her I hope things are not as bad as you think but I do think a frank talk would be good to see if things can be sorted out it could be he has problems at work and is taking things out on you, unwittingly I wish you both well and pray you can sort it out it maybe something silly but talk and see what happens take care xx

[Daffodil]

debz. I'm going to generalise now so please excuse me. Most men like to move on quickly, it's easier than analysing their feelings and the dreaded ' talking about it'. I can imagine you were chief organiser, house controller and bottle washer and your life buddy is finding the impact of all that having changed a little unnerving maybe?

He found His once capable, able and resilient partner and all round supermum is just a fragile as everyone else, if he works in a care setting then he knows the reality of that. I imagine he doesn't like the scenario very much, well we don't do we.

Talking as everyone has said is the answer here. Honesty and compassion. I had hubbie tell me to ' pull myself together' and when I was back n hospital a few months ago he told me he found it very hard that all the feelings he had put away in a box were coming back out again and he found that scary but we are finding a way to lean in to each other and he quite likes the changed me I think.

We scared them. Too bits I imagine. We had to deal with trying to stay alive and cope with pain, they had to face up to the chance they might lose us and then we are not quite back as we once were. Very star trek, " there's life Jim but not as we know it".

If its more than that then I would suggest counselling for one or both of you. Talking independently is a very good outlet, I recommend it.

[Winb143]

My hubby is the same.

My Hubby and daughter went through hell when I was in cuckooland.

So I think it is them turning off when I ask them questions about my anni. It was a long haul.

They turn off for a break through a traumatic time for us all xx

Good luck and get well first and foremost as we must not have stress xx

WinB143 xx

Edited August 23, 2013 by Winb143

[Skippy]

Hi Hun

It took two years for my hubby to be able to tell me in detail about the night my brain popped. He once said that he was surprised I wasn't milking it more!!! Needless to say he quickly shot down in flames and put right. He finally admitted that it scared the hell out of him, he felt helpless and it wasn't until I couldn't do all the things I used to do that he finally realised just how much I did do. It was wake up call for him.

Now? Things are back to normal and everyone in the house seems to think that its my job to clean up after them - they do however, now do their own washing

You other half may just be feeling a bit out of his depth and even though he's in the care profession, this could just be a bit too close to home for him. I agree with the others - you have to talk to him and both openly discuss your feelings - make sure its a good day for you both and that neither of you has been too stressed.

Good luck and I hope you can work through the situation. Maybe get him to look in on this site and read how difficult it is for us after leaving hospital with everyone thinking that we're better.

[Teechur]

My first reaction to this is to be really ticked at him and say "Grow up! Health crises happen, as you know, and when you're in crisis, she will care for you."

But there can be so many things going on that he's not telling you. Like kids, sometimes it's hard to get men to face up to their feelings of fear, inadequacy, failure, etc. (no matter if they are unfounded or not) so it can come out in anger.

If this was just one time, I would let it go and be sure to be very thankful when he helps. Even if you think of something as his responsibility, thank him. We all like to be appreciated and who knows, maybe he is feeling that way (even if you are thanking him already). I happen to have an awesome husband who I've been married to for 28 years and I truly believe that part of our success is that we never take each other for granted, and always say thank you and let the other know how appreciated he or she is. (I probably do more than he does, however he does more than I do around the house because I teach full time and run a small business.)

If this seems to be smoldering, then it's important to address it because your healing will be compromised if you are under the added stress of trying to placate him and not rock the boat. During a time when you're both relaxed and alone, talk to him about it and be very honest about what you need and why. You have had a very serious health crisis and it may take months to heal, or it may take years to fully heal. He has to come to terms with that. The fatigue is as much a part of brain healing, as blood is a part of a serious cut. He wouldn't walk into the kitchen after you lobbed off a finger and say "It's time for you to stop bleeding now!" Sometimes people need to be told very clearly that you are injured and just because it can't be seen, doesn't mean it is not affecting you. And yes, while it is also affecting him the deal is that you can't do much to change that and it should not be put on your shoulders. Maybe he needs to read the carers board and get an idea of what this is all about. Even if he works at a health care worker, working a shift and dealing with 5-15 patients where there is no serious emotional connection is entirely different from caring for a loved one.

I have given a lot of thought over the years to "In sickness and health" and really, I don't think anyone understands what that truly entails, unless they marry during a time when one is dealing with a health crisis. I had a serious crisis 10 years ago and the things my poor husband had to do for me were embarrassing, very difficult for him (he has a super queasy stomach), and really taxed us both. But because he was willing to say "Okay, you need this it's my job to do it" and work with me, my healing was so much easier. Again we had another short term stress in 2008 with complications from a surgery. And then last year this. Did we ever think this was going to be or life at this early in our lives (I'm 48, was 38 when I had my first health crisis)? Nope! In fact, if anyone would have a health crisis you would think it would be him as he is overweight, but no longer sedentary (so proud of him). I, on the other hand, healthy weight, healthy diet, exercised daily, personal trainer, blah blah blah. But you never ever know what your life has in store for you so that's all a part of the commitment you must make to each other when you decide to come into a long term relationship. "Will you love me if I'm in a wheelchair?" may seem like a silly question we play with our SOs when we're first committing, but it is something that bears some very serious talk.

I pray that you will be able to come to terms with this with him because he has chosen to make a family with you, and while maintaining your health is your responsibility, helping you in crisis is his. That's the role he chose. And as much as I hate to say it, Sweetie, if he can't take on that role you need to find a man who will because true love is kind, patient, and loving in all things (notwithstanding the occasional outburst).

[kpaggett]

People have there own way of handling a traumatic event. It was equally as traumatic for him, but in a very different way. To us, it was our personhood, to him it was a threat to his way of life that he had with you. To both, it is a real loss. Bill was right in what he says how some people can support you, some can ignore you, some can go out of your life to come back later when they think your better, or drop out of your life completely. It is all normal. If you really love each other, you will get through this time. It takes work from both partners, though. Share with him and see if he'll share with you. At first, my husband thought I was too fragile to handle his feelings. I probably was. Now, I'm not so it gets easier to shore back and forth. It may have to be one sided for a while of you just sharing, but do it. Understanding is a wonderful thing to have in a relationship.

~Kris