cbt/ot treatment Fatigued and Angry

[Pdl_uk]

First let me apologise for this post. It isn’t a happy post, but I need somewhere to rant where people will understand.

 

It’s been 4 1/2 years since my haemorrhage was coiled and I have been through various CBT and OT treatments, as well as a stint on the anti-depressant Sertraline (because apparently my fatigue was due to depression!!).

 

I’m angry (and frustrated) because despite explaining to my family, employers and Doctors, they don’t truly understand the fatigue. They try and are understanding to some extent.

 

I’m sure we all know what the fatigue is like when it hits and I hate it. It makes me feel inadequate, lazy and useless.
 

I think I am still trying to be the person I was before the haemorrhage and it’s starting to really hit that I’m not and probably won’t ever be. I’m currently giving work most of my energy (in order to pay the bills) but it’s leaving me with very little for my home and personal life. It’s like the haemorrhage has robbed me of this.

 

Perhaps my current feelings are part of the acceptance process. I hope so.

 

All that said,  I know things could have been a lot worse for me, so I do count myself lucky. Also, having read through many posts here, there are some very brave people and I’m hoping I can draw some strength and inspiration from that.

 

Thank you for giving me the space to get some of these feelings out.

[subzero]

 

Hello Phil, please don`t apologise for sharing how you are feeling. As has been said so many times, we are all here for each other, and getting support and help through the `down` moments is one of the main reasons this BTG  site was formed. 

 

I was just revisiting your first post when you joined BTG in March 2017. You like many have been very fortunate to survive at all. 

I am sure you will agree that much of the great advice given by our members back then still applies to your situation today.

 

Working in a high powered stressful environment and taking part in the various physical activities (your 100 mile cycle run) all seem so unachievable now, and you still having to work so hard to provide for your family post SAH is probably the main factor in your continued fatigue. Many of our members feel that fatigue and have not been able to return to work. Getting to that place where you and your family and employers can strike a balance that enables you to feel you are productive at work and also in your home life is so essential. 

 

I am sure that our members will share their experiences with you, and I hope that you can once again begin to live with accepting that life after SAH is going to need many changes by yourself and those around you. You can draw on your previous willpower to make this new life a reality so that you can find positivity in building your future again. Face these difficult decisions together and act on what you feel will be best for you.

 

Take care and I wish you well for these challenging times ahead,.

 

 

Subs

[Skippy]

Hi Phil

 

As Subs said, no need to apologise, its what we're all here for.

 

Fatigue is a huge, and somewhat unknown, result of SAH - some suffer, some don't.  Mine didn't really disappear or abate for about 5 years.  I was back at work really quite soon and two years on was working from 9am to 6pm - it was horrendous.  I'd come home and fall asleep for an hour and then still sleep for 8 hours a night.  I can honestly say that it took a good 5 to 6 years for it to calm down.  I now work in a very busy school office from 8am to 4pm and the mental energy is still draining, but I can do it.  However, I still have very little energy to exercise - even if I wanted to - it was something I did 3 or 4 times a week (step aerobics, running, swimming).

 

The hardest thing was accepting that this was "new" me and I had to stop comparing what I could do to what I used to be able to do.  It's a difficult thing to do, but I found it helped me.  

 

It may be worth getting your family, employer and even your GP to look at this site to see that fatigue after SAH is a very real thing and if anything causes the depression, not the other way around.

 

Remember, we're all to encourage, listen and understand what you're going through.

 

Take care

 

[Louise]

The hardest thing is accepting the 'New You' but once you can you can then move forward...  took me a long time to do that...

[Xamder mom]

 

No apologies necessary!   The changes can be upsetting and baffling at times.  Doesn't it seem that the fatigue hits at a most inconvenient time!   We're all able to relate.  

[Colleen]

Hello Phi;,

 

I can't type much now due to some neurological issues (unrelated to SAH) but if you chase down these links I think you'll feel better:

 

https://med.virginia.edu/radiology/2017/05/26/living-well-after-surviving-a-subarachnoid-hemorrhage/

 

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0181006

 

YOU'LL FIND YOU ARE NOT ALONE FOR SURE!

[Daffodil]

Hey Phil.

no apology needed as we all know the fatigue fog and how heavy that can be. 

 

It is hard for others to understand really how this feels for youand the everyday hard and struggle and of course as time passes from your event people have an expectation that you are ‘better’ now...and of course in their eyes you are, back at work , able to function to an extent as before. Of course what they can’t see, know , is the toll  that effort takes and actually the sacrifice of then other activities just to be able to allow you to work.

 

On 16/01/2021 at 08:55, Pdl_uk said:

think I am still trying to be the person I was before the haemorrhage and it’s starting to really hit that I’m not and probably won’t ever be. I’m currently giving work most of my energy (in order to pay the bills) but it’s leaving me with very little for my home and personal life. It’s like the haemorrhage has robbed me of this.

 

Paying the bills is always that spectre, trying to maintain things as we had, in the way we had before SAH, but equally there needs to be a level of balance. Is there a way for you to work differently, can you adapt how you work so you get some respite and time to rest.

 

i didn’t get back into work until a good 18 months after. I was fortunate I had some insurance to tide us through but that said I physically would not have been able to return earlier. The key though was building up slow and then noticing every time I hit a block slowing and adjusting and then building up again. My ‘blips’ are what I named them. The loss of words, severe pain, crushing fatigue, vision changes....it all kept me on my toes,I still get them now but so much less now and when I do I heed them as signs I have over extended my battery capacity. 

 

The four year part is a strange time so I think you might enjoy this blog post I wrote back on my four year mark http://popgoestifty.blogspot.com/2016/08/balance-takes-huge-amount-of-practice.html

it was a time of realising I had regained some of what I lost,that my health was more stable m

but that somethings were gone. I had to start exploring again, finding balance in life so I had the energy to explore that, investing in me. I still felt dreadful a lot of the time but the possibility of change was around then. Maybe it’s your time too. 

 

But go steady. Be kind to yourself. Still healing down the line. Mine is still revealing. Evenwith the Shunt on board my balance is still getting better...thanks to paddling I think!!