sick and tired of sick and tired or what?

[MaryB]

I am digging myself out of a bout of depression or a bout of sick and tired of sick and tired. I swear sometimes I just seem to be beating the dead horse to death. On top of that my stupid foot that I pulled a bunch of ligaments and tendons that is also full of cyst is bruised on the top of it. That is where the pain is/was. This happened within weeks (?) of my SAH when I stood up my foot "popped". I should wear my boot that causes me to have hip pain which will cause me to be more disgusted with my broken everywhere body. I am sorry for feeling sorry for myself and I am mad that I feel sorry for myself as most of the time I think of how lucky I am.

I feel I have done everything in my power to do the best I can but I am still lacking.

I was surprised to have a bad balance issue while on "holiday" or "vacation". I am not sure if this is new or not. A week or so before we left I had to blow leaves off side walk & yard as I would not walk as I felt I was going to fall while walking though them. I cannot look up at all without being dizzy. When we parked in parking garage at airport I always get a weird feeling anyway but this was worse. Than the "people mover", colored lights flashing over my head or wherever people walked, escalators, being on a non main floor and the elevator.

We also visited a farmers market that was very busy and had so much to look at- of course sunshine, trees moving and flashes of movement on the uneven brick road made me have to walk like I was drunk. I just never experienced this before. I was messed up for about 36 hours. I also ran into a closed glass door so hard I thought I broke my nose or at least made it bleed. This seems to be more vision & balance.

So what is new or what was there and I did not know about it because I have not really done much except return back to work the past 14 months? I barely go anywhere anymore. I do not think the balance was this bad. When I work I think I am 90-95% of what I use to be. I do ask for more help than I use to but less than most people. I work hard, the barking dogs, the phones ringing, people talking all over the place makes me almost loose it daily. Maybe I spend too much time trying to hold it together? I cannot even do my “hobbies” as my hands do not work well with my eye coordination.

I stopped my Ritalin last week, I was not sleeping at night and the neurologist wanted to add Elavil on top of all my other meds at bedtime but I knew it was the Ritalin. Got my sleep pattern back now and I am back to somber tired Mary. I started back on beginning dose of 1/2 of a 5 mg. when I wake up- instead of the 10 mg dose. Hope MY new plan works.

So sorry to vent, complain and whine. I know how lucky I am – I felt I was lucky I had fibro prior to SAH because it prepared me to be limited but I am tired of never feeling well or great. Sometimes God really should drop a good week on me once in awhile. AND when I say that I think about my friend’s granddaughter born with sarcoma & died at 3 months of age so I feel even guiltier for feeling bad.

When I feel like this I withdraw and do not like to speak to people, I could care less about Halloween which was / is one of my favorite holidays. I never got off the couch – my husband bought candy and sat outside. I do not go back to Dr until Dec. 4th. But I am sure this is a phase and the minute I post this I will be ashamed and pull myself back up. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.

I will make a donation Karen!

Maryb

[Winb143]

MaryB,

With what you and us have all been through you have every right to have times when you are on a downer.

Can't you see Doc earlier ? Cheer up ~ Easier said

I do not know what to say apart from I am sure things will get better xx I wear sunglasses more since SAH it takes the vivid lights away.

Keep believing in You xx

Love

WinB143 xx xx

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Mary,

I hope getting this out HAS made you feel better and you certainly have no reason to be ashamed of yourself for feeling this way. I think we all go through spells of this. I know I still do over 4 years later and sometimes I feel angry reading how well other people have recovered and think 'why didn't that happen for me'??? Then I feel bad for being so down on someone else's good fortune.

It is no fun at all when you never feel 100%, ever. I get spells of feeling really sick & tired of the feeling too but it is how it is and as hard as I have tried, I can't change it. I always try to remember when I'm having a few down days that this is just a feeling & it WILL pass. The positivity WILL come back.

Huge hug Mary, don't give up xxx

[Daffodil]

Mary Mary lovely Mary. That's a great vent. And a justfied, bona fide one too! I get irritated when my one rather middle sized dog barks at the imagined squirrel at the door but you manage to spend a working week with that much noise and chaos. You're my hero!

Don't be down on yourself, you're Doing amazin things with less than perfect merchandise. And Halloween is over rated!! you can take a year off. Save yourself for thanksgiving.

Be kind to yourself lovely Mary, be proud of the good things, take the good days and enjoy the good company. yes it's a bag of gooey brown stuff to have all these crummy side effects but on the days when something feels just right isn't it just great? Few and far between I know but We get to enjoy and appreciate those days so much more than most.

Daff x

[DawnS]

Hi Mary,

I am not surprised you get fed up, you have more than most to deal with. Sah alone is bad enough I think without fybro and a tumour to deal with on top. I think it's amazing how much you do. These might not be the things that are on the top of your 'to do' list, but you accomplish so much! I am often amazed at your resilience and you are generally very optimistic and cheerful so don't feel bad for having a good old vent. There's been many a day when you have helped me to feel much better!

How long have you felt like this? I am wondering out loud here, but could it be connected to coming off the ritalin at all?

I hope you feel much better very soon, sending hugs,

Dawn x

[KeithH]

Mary

Well it seems you've had your fair share of BLIPS!!!!

At least in here, you can vent your anger, frustration etc.

Chin up hun, you'll get there.

In a way your helping others, who are going through a simular situation, and are unaware what it's all about.

A long time ago, I was told not to compare, as were all different. It helped me stop asking those what, why & when questions.

Your own body wil tell you when it needs to rest, it's no point fighting it.

You take things easy, ((((((((((((hug))))))))))))

[VanessaW]

Mary

you have been through such a lot you should be proud that you have managed so well so far, though I totally understand how this all is at times. It's all so random isn't it, it's so unpredictable, no wonder you feel fed up sometimes. Please don't feel guilty or think that you are whining, we all need to vent and this is the right place to do it.

By the way, you helped me the other day when I was in a pit of despair, so did many others on this forum. Thank you.

I am sending you a lovely hug and fingers crossed for a lottery win!

Vanessa

xx

[Stephanie Rubeck]

Mary,

Never feel guilty for how you feel. You have every right to throw a pity party once in awhile. We all do it! If we don't feel sorry for ourselves on occasion, no one will. You have been through and are going through so much. Give yourself the right to feel sad, mad, afraid, and flat out fed up. If it were someone else in the same situation you would tell them that these feelings are normal and justified, and even needed some days. Treat yourself the way you treat other people and you will feel better in no time. Take care of yourself

(Glad to see a fellow USA survivor, was beginning to think I was alone)

Stephanie

[Jigsaw]

Hi Mary

Your have been thro so much, down times help us to enjoy the days when you suddenly feel a bit calmer and happier! Try and rest and have more 'me time'. I know life can seem like you have a little black rain cloud above you but remember people care and can try to understand, big hugs xx

[MaryB]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I need a real kick in the pants to push through this one. I feel like a failure, and even though I know we are not measured, judged or compared to others I feel my own personal drive is kaput. I am worn out, I feel defeated. I do not know if this is a beginning of a new acceptance of how my life really is now or what.

I am not worn out physically as much as I am mentally trying to do work a fast pace job and have some kind of life. I have always felt so LUCKY that things are as good as they are as the outcome could have been so much worse. I tell people when I was laying on the bathroom floor it would have been so much easier not to move but I choose to get up and get help. That made the difference in the amount of damage that might have been done to my brain. I KNOW how LUCKY I am and I should not feel like a failure for not being "mentally strong enough" to tough it out daily anymore. I know how stupid that is, but we are what we were raised and given our own personality traits. My stupid stubborn German heritage! I also know that has made me who I am with the drive and determination to get through things, are the same traits that are kicking my head in right now.

Once again, thank you for your support and BTG giving me to have a place of understanding to go.

Kindest Regards, maryb

[Sandi K]

Mary, I'm sorry I didn't see this thread until now.

You have so much to contend with. The SAH is huge on its own. But then you have other huge things, the stroke, brain tumour, and fibro. All of them by themselves would have knocked others down long ago. Anything else like your hurt foot and headaches, even blisters would be so hard to deal with because really, there comes a time when a person stops grinning and bearing it.

I think you are one of the most courageous people I know. Your ability to laugh and make others laugh when you are suffering so much is such a gift. So many times you've brought me up when I've been down. It must take so much determination and willpower to get out of bed every day and keep that 'to do' list going. But you do it. Somehow you find a way and off you go. You come back here and tell us what you are doing and it helps me to think "ok, pull up those socks and get outside and move!".

Hugs

Sandi K.

[goldfish.girl]

And BAM!!! Right in the kisser

Mary, that was a comment you made in the green room to start the days thread a few months ago that had everyone laughing, no matter how bad they felt that day - it is so good for us all to have the chance repay the support & humour that you bring to BTG over & over again.

You have proved beyond doubt what a fighter you are & that you never give in and let the SAH/Fibro/tumour win. You are an inspiration to so many of us every day so if you need a day off from that, let us be 'you' until you are feeling good again

Michelle xx

[Louise]

I always say its swings & roundabouts (ups & downs) enjoy when its good you'll find the downs are less & less....

[amexdm]

Mary,

I know we chat often but yes we all feel your pain. We're all in the same boat. So if you jump off we're either going to throw you a life preserver or jump in and save you as you have saved us.

I think you may have a tendency to overdo it but then again that's what makes you get things done! You've been thru so much. Did the garage sale take a little more out of you? I had one a couple of years ago and haulin all that stuff nearly killed me! That was before SAH!

Listen to your body. You have many friends here.

David

[MaryB]

Nope, I am not tired from anything .....just totally tired of being stuck right now. I am better today. I could actually SPEAK to my husband about it a little- he understands and feels helpless enough for me. I was able to talk to a co worker today as we were soooooo slow and no Dr. afternoon made it like heaven. Not one barking dog all day either.

I may be with Vanessa and starting to see the light again. I am sorry for being so blue. BTG is the only place that can understand the daily struggles that never seem to end sometimes.

Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. maryb

[Karen]

It's always good to see such "honest" posts on this site and I think that it helps those that are looking in and also struggling to understand that perhaps recovery, both mentally and physically does take its time, no matter what has been said by the Medics or the time scale given, when we leave hospital.

We all expect so much out of ourselves or to return to "normal", that we often set targets that are just too big for what our brain will allow. I truly believe from what I've seen on this site, that to see some significant progress, that you would be looking at about 2 years post SAH and not the 3-6 months that the medics seem to give us. The 3-6 months in my opinion, allows for the bleed. I was told that it takes 3 months for the blood to fully dissipate from the SAH, let alone healing or the brain finding new pathways or mentally trying to adjust.

For quite a few years I lived life on a day to day basis, as it was the only way that I could cope, both physically and mentally. If I had a bad day, I would just write it off and hope that the next day would be a better one. Some times it was, some times it wasn't. Some times I coped, some times I didn't and I could be a complete mess, even though I'd keep it to myself.

I've looked in at this site for many a year now and there is such a common theme/bond between us all, so never worry that you're on your own.

However, at 7+ years, I'm still experiencing recovery and believe you me, life is so much better and worth living, so never give up and compare yourself to what you were like when you left hospital and allow yourself time to get better.

xx

[Louise]

I always said to Karen that I felt there was more recovery to come & there has been for me too, after the first year there didnt seem to be any, but then there was, then it stopped, then it started again, kind of like a child growing....

Had I listened to what they said, I would have just wilted, they say 3 months or a year, rubbish we all take a lot longer than that....this year was better than last year so who knows next year and the year after that....