Teechur Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 I have started to see a therapist, who deals with chronic pain, for my headaches. This Winter has been extremely hard because of the weather. I've kept close track of my triggers and pressure drops seem to make it way worse, and pressure rises make it kind of worse. Well we get three days of rain, then about day three I'm getting used to the drop and we get three days of cold and clear. Just when I'm starting to feel like life is awesome again, the pressure drops and I want to jump off a bridge. When I started having "Maybe it would have been better if I hadn't made it..." thoughts I knew it was time to talk to someone. First I tried my husband, and while he's a great and supportive man, this topic really freaked him out. As a friend said "Don't go to the bakery to buy a hammer." I realized I needed someone who was more qualified to deal with my depression. What I "want" and what is reality are two different things. I want my old life back where I got up at 4:45, went to the gym, then off to work, came home ran 5 miles, then taught bootcamp. My days were full of activity and I was full of energy. I had no desire to slow down or change my life at all. I had a business that was growing every year, and the best teaching job in the world! What I have is headaches every day. I rarely work out every day of the week, but I am still very blessed that I'm back to running marathons. While my business has fallen to an embarrassing level, I still run it and I love the people in it, and cherish the friends I make through it. I am starting back at the gym with weight lifting and am averaging one day a week. Hopefully I can go today. So it isn't what I want, but it isn't bad. I want to want what I have and I want to stop being angry at what I lost, and depressed over the pain. The pain wears me down...just wears.me.down. I'm sure some of you can relate. My therapist suggested two activities: 1. Take a specific time to mourn my old life and then let it go. Say to the people in my life, "I am going to be sad/angry for two weeks" (or a weekend, or five days, whatever I decide) and then take that time to cry or rail or whatever I need to finally say "That life is gone" to allow me to move on. 2. Write a letter to my body telling it how angry or disappointed I am in it. I did tell her that I almost felt betrayed because my healthy lifestyle was purposeful. I chose to exercise every day with a goal of keeping lifestyle related illness at bay. For some reason I am finding I can't do these things. I don't know why. I know this is all a process, but I really feel like I should be ready to move on by now. All you all seem like you are so much more accepting. Part of me feels, I think, like if I do that I'm giving up.Then even as I think that, a little voice says "Giving up what? It isn't like if you learn to accept your limitations that these are your limitations forever! These are just your limitations for now! So it's like I have all the right words in my head, but my heart isn't following along like it "should" and then every time I say "should" I hear my therapist say "There is nothing you 'should' do right now. You suffered a loss and you can take as much time as you need to mourn it." AIGH! Being an adult is hard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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