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feeling anxious and intolerant to people


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Thank you so much again for accepting me in this group as this is such a positive group of people and I am enjoying reading the discussions with positive support. 

 

I'm about 5 weeks now post SAH and I've found I wake up every day and the palpations start and I don't know why I am like this. 

Also I am intolerant to people more and more, especially face to face. I was never like this ,I always had patience and time for people but nowadays I find I just cannot listen to people. After so long it's like a drone starts in my brain and I dread people wanting to come visit me at home as I don't know what to talk about I've lost my 120mph chatting. 

 

I previously could chat on the phone for hours to friends I can't even do that after 20 mins I get bored and head drones.

The OT visited and said I still have a left sided weakness , I never noticed it so I take that as a positive as I know it's not that bad then and my words turn back to front when I'm tired and my memory is still playing havoc. 

 

Does anyone feel that part of you died the day it all happened. I feel have lost the old me and it does get me down and teary at times..all I did was laugh and now I struggle to find things to laugh at.

 

Do you get your mojo back and be your old self or is this what I need to challenge myself on being a new person?..

Sorry it's long I don't know how to make it shorter .xx

 

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Hi Clara 

 

I can relate to a lot of what you mention.

I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down, which it had, devastated !

 

Many years later i stopped trying to be the old me and started to embrace the new one.

Learnt how to pace myself and know my limits. I am much kinder to myself, instead of pushing too hard and making myself ill.

 

I  also had my down tearful days, more from frustration, when my words would not come out the right way or i could not remember things or did not want to see or speak to anyone or had an anxiety attack i could not control.

 

I think it is all part of the road to recovery and it does get better, i promise :)

Take each day as it comes, one step at a time and you will get there.

 

BTG was a Godsend for me, good days and bad days i found great comfort and support from others here and still do :)

 

You will get your mojo back, it just takes time. 5 weeks is so very early in your recovery.

As Karen Hyder once said to me, be kind to yourself, very wise words.

 

Take care

Love Tina xx 

 

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Hi Tina thank you so much for telling me this ..I actually thought I was becoming a basket case.

 

I want to ring my friends as I've went 3 days without me responding to them but I don't have the ....... , I can't remember the right word,to describe what I'm saying sorry..I just don't want to speak to them.

 

It seems like everyone who has been close to me before this happened are the ones I don't want to talk to.

 

When you say years is it a slow progress. I'm so glad you understand me .

 

I love this group Tina and I am so new, people are so understanding xx

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Hi Clara? it’s really early days for you, but things will I’m sure get better. I’m 19 months post nasah & still get my words muddled when I’m tired. If I’m having a conversation & there is background noise I find it hard to concentrate. I was off work for 6 months. On the plus side I finally feel almost back to ‘normal ‘, and very grateful to be here. You take care xx

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Hi Clara,

 

Welcome to BTG.

 

Slow down a bit and don't beat yourself up about this.  Your brain has undergone a very serious event and it is recovering and it needs time to heal.  What you describe is very natural, with your emotions all over the place.  This isn't a male/female thing - it is a SAH thing.  I felt exactly the same as you do now and it does take time to get over it.

 

Perhaps you can start talking to one person and ask them to relay the message that you get very tired very quickly and that you need to recover at your own pace.  Set a time limit for that call and then stick to it.  Just let them know that you re ok but still very ill and you need time and space to get back on your feet.  They will understand.

 

From their point of view, they can't see any injury or plaster-cast so to them you probably look normal, and it is a persistent problem that we all encounter but you need to keep focus on getting well.  Your true friends will understand, but it can be a long process.  Change has come on suddenly and you may need to make changes to your lifestyle to adapt to the new you.

 

Try to look at it as new opportunities, rather than a bit of you that has died.  It hasn't died - it has just changed.  Try not to compare yourself with yesteryear.  You will find new and different ways of doing things and some will be better than before.  You might not think that yet, but in time, you will.

 

I am 61 now - I used to play football, I can't now, but  look on those days with fondness and am grateful that I had them.  I don't look on them as a part of me that has died, I look on them with pride and look forwards to what I can do now, not what I could do then.  I think that is the only way to come to terms with what has happened to you.  It just takes a bit of getting used to because the change happened to you so suddenly.

 

It is still early days yet for you, very early days, in fact, and you never know, you may get back over time, to something like the person you were before.  But people and things evolve over periods of time.  It doesn't happen overnight for any of us and you will need to go with the flow for some time yet.

 

Look after yourself for now - don't worry about everyone else.  Now is a time to be a little bit selfish to enable yourself to get back on your feet.  Your mates will still be there when you are up to it and I'm sure there will be lots of gossip to catch up on, but only when the time is right for you!

 

Embrace it and look forwards, not back, if you can.

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Third time of trying to write post so here goes nothing xxx

 

Clara I have a Sister who is lovely but only tells me sad stuff and I cannot take doom and gloom in life xxxx 

 

I used to love a good chin wag but since my SAH I need to be happy which is nigh on impossible lol xx

 

So keep away from doomers and gloomers and remember we survived so a smile every now and then helps xxx 

Good Luck 

 

Win xxx Keep smiling  xxx

 

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Clara - I also completely relate to what you've said.

 

5 weeks into your recovery is very early and I couldn't tolerate people coming to visit me either - I was back at work 3 weeks later but more out of the fear of being left alone than anything (I worked in the family business full time back then).  I had a bed in my office and would sleep for a good four hours during the day. But still too much information and my brain basically shut itself off and I couldn't take in what people were saying.

 

I got better the more I relaxed and slept and, to be honest, I went to a Pink concert 2 1/2 months after my SAH - those tickets were expensive and I was not going to waste them!!

 

It got to about a year before I started needing to sleep during the day and once I stopped fighting the new me, it became a whole lot easier.  Initially, yes I was devastated and also felt I was a basket case - I was crying for now reason and felt like I was sinking into a bottomless pit.  I had counselling and it helped immensely and I'd highly recommend it.

 

Like Macca said, give yourself time and stop beating yourself up.  You could possibly be suffering from PTSD - I was and that's where the counselling came in.  See you GP and see if they can refer you.

 

Get plenty of rest (forget about running around at 100 miles per hour and talking ten to the dozen) drink plenty of water - treat your brain like a broken leg - it needs time to heal so don't put too much pressure and weight on it xxx

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Hi Clara, some great advice and hopefully masses of reassurance to be gained in the responses above.

 

when we have our SAH it can mean a lot of  disruption to a whole lot of the brains normal processing ability.i attended a neuropsychologist led group a year after my event where they explained the effects of a bleed can really mean you struggle to process the immediate surrounding which of course is where we live most of the time. 

 

All of us are unique in the effects we realise as we each have unique brains and personality  but common to us all is that our ability to cognitively process new events, memories, conversations, sounds, sights which prior to SAh we take for granted takes huge energy for the brain to do .

 

However our brains processing channels get damaged and disrupted by the soaking in blood and it just can't seem to do it as well after this disruption. This damage may be temporary or some may be more permanent and you need to learn new coping techniques. 

 

My personal theory on it is that the more 'cognitive' things we try to do whilst the brain is trying to heal from the blood spill and any subsequent surgery then all the more we will get signals that we just can't cope with the 'noise' 'conversations' 'lights'....the list goes on.

 

So it's about pacing yourself and building the stamina up slowly and testing your ground. Can you do this yet, how long for, and go slowly.

 

Skippy is right , if you broke your leg you wouldn't be back out on it expecting the same performance, your brain got hurt, it needs time And investment to heal and remember it's still trying to run the rest of the show so even more care needed.

 

i also had PTSD which made me very unpredictable but counselling helped me also.

 

when I came out of hospital I couldn't look at a screen , couldn't watch tv,  couldn't follow more than one train of conversation at a time and if two people talked at once I was lost. I built up gradually, had gentle exposure to tv, I kept the radio playing low most days and kept trying to be in with people but I let them know why I was struggling and why I might be a bit 'tricky' to deal with. 

 

Some get to pick up where they left off but many do not and so we have to go slow and observe and realise what is possible today. Be kind to ourselves first and don't beat yourself up. Tomorrow it may be difficult or easier but the main thing is to keep having hope and don't push too hard. 

 

Take care. 

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Hi,

 

I just wanted add my experiences as you are not alone.  People on this site talk often of the "new me" and though I just had a NASAH, I do have a new me.  Here are some of the changes I feel, and some of the changes I am told about me:

 

1.  The most overriding feeling of all is one of not being fully connected.  I have described it as living in the moment, but then later feeling like it was a dream.  My yesterday sometimes feels weeks away.  It's not really a fog I notice as I am doing something, but more of a fog on the recall.  A "was I really there" yesterday feeling that can lead to an "Am I really here" feeling that can be depressing.  

 

2.  My outlook on things have changes with no real reason.  For example, I am more likely to take a bug outside of my house alive than squash it like I would have before.  I sometimes pick up other peoples litter and throw it away.  I never did these things before, but I am compelled to do them now.  

 

3.  On the flip side, and to your comments, I am less patient, more moody, and (I hate to admit this) care less for people in general.  Only my loved ones and people who understand, like the people on this site, seem to register in my heart.  Peripheral people feel more like holograms.

 

I am not mean to other people, I just don't seem to feel them.  The aforementioned bug may get more affection from me than the checkout girl at the grocery.  This is a change, as I used to love to engage people.  Now they can be telling me a story that would have engaged me in the past, and inside I am "whatever" bored.

 

4.  I am past the anxiety and fear stage of recovery, but it was there.  Now, I just get the occasional black cloud that can linger over me a few days.

 

5.  I only consume small amounts of alcohol as it tends to make my memory even worse, and I may repeat the same story twice in an hour to the same people.

 

With all of that said, there are many positives too.  I do live in the moment more than before.  Maybe because I have to.  While other people feel farther away, I am at the same time, more tolerant of them in general. 

 

I respect people more, I just get bored.  I love sleeping more than I used to.  Sometimes getting into bed at night is a real joy.  And honestly, I don't fear my future and fate as much as I used to.  It's like I won already and now am in bonus time.

 

So I rambled on and I don't know if this helps or not, but I hope it does.

 

Please continue to heal and adjust.

 

Chris

 

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I feel so much better after reading everyone's comments now.

 

I don't feel like I am as bad to people now with the bored feeling towards them all. 

 

Funny I saw a spider last night and I was more tolerant  and just let it be. 

 

I definitely cannot cope with negative people and I understand that too as they drain me I understand the sibling thing as now need to keep my brother in small doses.

 

Thank you so so much and I will take it slow ad I even sometimes don't realise the brain injury because I cat see it until I wobble with my words and forget what happened 5 mins ago.

 

I have my Gp Wednesday again and will bring it up.

My Dr told me last eek they are looking for me to get pressue in my head so I have to watch out for my headaches getting sorer.

 

I will.take things slower and look at going back go work in new year, pray to God I manage as noise is now an issue and people talk too much if that makes  

 

Sorry if I'm waffling but I feel like I've found a home now as everyone has now left me to it .thank you from the bottom of my heart everyone for replying and telling me I'm not losing it xx

 

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Hi Clara

 

So glad you feel like you have found a new home with us on BTG. We. are all here to listen and understand. 

 

At the stage you are now I too was struggling. My husband had to field telephone calls and people were told I could only talk for a short time. Words got muddled and things got forgotten but as time has gone on it's got better. 

 

I still forget, I still repeat and I still get lost in a sentence. But no where near as often as those early days. 

Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much. Relax, your friends if they are true friends, will understand and wait for you to be ready for longer chats. And they will come! 

 

Take care and keep us posted. 

 

Clare xx

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Hi Clara

 

Wow I could have wrote your post in the early days so know where your coming from even now..

 

The job I was in when I had my hamerrhage I was a telephonist receptionist me on the phone now doesn't happen all that often.

 

5wks is very early in your recovery slow and easy does it, rest lots keep well hydrated don't think too far ahead (re-work and stuff) 

 

 

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Finally my Internet and tv is working again...these companies and their technical errors they say..

 

Thank you Louise. 

It is so hard ...2 friends today I hung up on as they moaned and then said, oh but you are worse..it was like overload and I couldn't do it anymore. They phoned me to ask was I ok which made it worse for me.

 

The anxiety is killing me and I'm glad I have my Gp tomorrow so I can tell her. Getting out of bed I dread as the palpation's start within half an hour and I have them all day and night until I try and sleep.  Hence work I know I would freak with people,  talk, talk , talking ...

 

I'm just glad there is light at the end of the tunnel and I know I can't go on like this...

I moaned to get out of hospital to be with my kids but I didn't realise how safe it was for me and I look forward to darkness with my candles and lights on ..

I'm just so glad everyone is recovering and glad to be alive ...

 

It's a massive culture change though. 

Xx

 

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Clara darling - you are safe.  You've done the right thing by arranging to see your GP.

 

It's perfectly natural to panic at this stage in your recovery - the palpitations could be being caused by the anxiety you feel when you're waking.  I know I dreaded waking up not knowing how I'd feel that day or how my head would feel.  I remember dancing around the garden like a mad woman the day I woke and my head didn't hurt and my mood had lifted. 

 

May sound daft, but try thinking of a place that makes you happy and imagining yourself being there, sit comfortably and breathe slowly.  Just stay there for a little while and try to let the calm wash over you.  It may not work immediately or even the first time but with practice it really does help - it was a saviour for me in the early days.  I was extremely anxious and thought I was having a heart attack - its kind of meditation, but it worked.

 

 

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Skippy you are so right. 

 

I am a medium also and used to meditate all the time and I am trying my hardest to get myself back to that place. 

This may sound a daft question but did you cut a lot of people out of your life who were in it pre op? 

As I feel that's where I am headed now

 

I'm so glad you know what the palpations are like. I was such a strong independent person. 

I'm readinb a lot of the forums and chats here to get a better understanding and this is definitely helping me .

How long did it take you to be feeling even slightly normal.?

 

It is like taking a heart attack and even on waking I don't know why my heart starts being anxious ..

Does this makes sense as it's for nothing but for something ?

Xx

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20 hours ago, Clara mac said:

Skippy you are so right. 

 

I am a medium also and used to meditate all the time and I am trying my hardest to get myself back to that place. 

This may sound a daft question but did you cut a lot of people out of your life who were in it pre op? 

As I feel that's where I am headed now

 

hey there

 

Yes I did - one in particular who was supposed to be a  good friend.  When one of my other friends moved to Cornwall I found out this particular friend had done nothing but lie to me and the one who moved.  She'd played us off each other and told the other friend that I would be busy when she wanted to contact me.  The other friend had just lost her sister at the time and wanted to talk to me but was told by the "good" friend that I'd be busy!!!!  We just couldn't be bothered with her in the end and a year later we both cut here completely out of our lives.

 

I have two very very good friends who were in my life before and are in my life now. One is my best friend of 35 years and we've been each others rocks over the years.

 

I decided that after my SAH life was too short to have people in it that were shallower than puddle in the sahara!!!  If they're true friends they'll help you through it - otherwise they are mere acquaintances xxx

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Thank you that makes sense Skippy and Louise. 

 

I've been to GP and she said I have anxiety and PTSD.

She said last week I was coping to well and she knew this was coming 

I have to see a counsellor which I am grateful for. 

 

The scary part , they are withdrawing my strong painkillers as  this is masking my pain and my surgeon is looking for me to get pressure in my brain again so they have to be safe.  I'm not looking forward to this but I know it's for a reason 

 

Xx

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Hi Clara

 

Seeing a Counsellor will be liberating for you - it did me the world of good.  It helped me see past the guilt and taught me stop blaming myself for what I put others through.

 

I found coming off the strong painkillers actually eased my pain as I was rushed back into hospital 3 weeks after my bleed with a suspected re-bleed - it was actually an analgesic headache caused by the strong pain relief I was taking.  I stopped it there and then (not advisable) and took nothing but paracetamol after.  Remember, lots of rest, water and relaxation will help with the headaches xxx

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Awww Skippy thank you so much for all this support.

What I have noticed is now I've not took any pain relief I'm slurring my words more

 

I usually take dyhydracodeine with paracetamol so they have been masking my energy levels ..

Counselling I'm glad it helped as I'm. Looking forward to help now xx

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Codeine was the worst for me - slurring could be it getting out of your system but also tiredness.  My hubby had a motorbike accident two years ago and received a head injury - he slurs when he's tired too.

 

Make sure you rest, especially as your meds have been removed - and no need for thanks for support, its what we're hear for and its a privilege to be able to help xx

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Honestly really thank you I do appreciate the help and quick replies as the support stops me going down the way.

I now understand what everyone talks about its like the novelty has worn off and people think I'm 100% now. 

 

Last night was the first I woke up at 5am with pain in my head and neck for the firSt since last week but that could be down to cutting on meds.

I keep getting pins and needles and numbness in left hand so I'm keeping a diary as I am scared of the pressure build up that they are positive I will get through a slow build up and I'm wary in case it's another lumbar puncture. 

 

I pray to God that will not be the way they take it away. 

I feel like I'm a moaner in her but I'm sorry I don't have anyone else to ask or all I get it ..."when I get a sore head"...that's people that have never had this xx

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It may be a novelty for others hunni, but it's now a way of life for us.  It still infuriates me when people say they have the worst headache ever, or forgetting things is an age thing and especially "well you look OK".  GGGGGRrrrrrrrr - walk a mile in my shoes and then come and talk to me!!!

 

If you get scared or are worried about anything you must call your GP straight away.  If the symptoms get to a point where its too much to handle then you all the emergency services immediately!!!  Don't feel that you are wasting anyone's time - this is your health  and it comes before anything.

 

We're all here to support you - the only thing we cannot do is give you medical advice xx

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That made me laugh Skippy as it's so true what you are saying as it's frustrating. 

It's like saying you have been to Tenerife and they have been to Elevenerife and their is no comparison.

I could take a frying pan and bang it on their head and say that's what it feels like ?

 

I'm learning now to write things down and also I'm keeping an eye and if it gets worse I will phone. I now realise if the neurosurgeons are expecting  this and have passed this info to my Gp then then I must. 

 

The good thing is they explained the sore heads will get progressively worse...well I think it's a good thing in all i know it's won't be my imagination.

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