Struggling to see the point

[Greasly23]

So here I am 20 months post SAH and coiling, in constant pain laid in bed overheating. The levels of my frustration have got to breaking point, I feel so useless, I have no energy or motivation. I use to be a person who took on any and every challenge, a person people turned to for help and support. I hate this version of me, who sits and watches my family argue over who’s turn it is to cook or clean, my house is an absolute mess now with so many diy and maintenance jobs piled up and I can’t face coping with any of it. I feel so overwhelmed by all of it that I can’t bear to see it, so I shut myself in my bedroom.

 

I have started to resent family and friends for being able to go out and enjoy life whilst I’m stuck here. Most of my friends have vanished since my SAH and the few that have stayed must be so sick of me, my anger, impatience, tears and inability to do things.

 I feel like a ghost trapped watching everything fall apart and not being able to do a thing about it, I often wonder what the point of surviving was.

 

The doctors do tests and tell me to give it time and keep taking the tablets, I’m piling on so much weight that I can’t bear to look at myself anymore. So I sit here and wonder if I did actually survive, or is this hell?

[Skippy]

Hey there

 

Firstly, yes you did survive and yes, it there is a point in it.  

 

I can tell from your post that you were the oil that helped your household run smoothly.  I know how that feels, it was the same for me.  I had to instruct/shout/scream at my hubby to do the stuff I should have been doing - my daughter was only 9 at the time and even then, she did what she could.  

 

The best thing I did, besides finding this website, was talk to my GP about seeing a counsellor/therapist.  From the feelings you describe it sounds very much like PTSD and you do NEED to see someone to talk this over with.  You're feeling guilty that you're putting your family through this, angry that this has happened to you and frustrated that you can do nothing about it.  As for the weight - with you again - I put on a stone in a  month as I couldn't continue my exercise regime - which was step aerobics three times a week, jogging and swimming three times a week.

 

Acceptance at this time will be the hardest hurdle but is also your best friend.  Accepting the "new" me was the only way I could move forward.  Accepting that I needed to talk to someone impartial was the first step on a long, emotional journey.  But remember, its a long road to recovery, but you're allowed to make as man pit stops along the way as you like.

 

Please see your GP and ask for therapy or a counsellor - it will be a massive help to start your journey.  You've stalled at the starting line but in all honesty, you really have done the hardest part of all - you HAVE survived.  This life may be different and it's up to you accept and adapt to it and also ensure those around you are aware of the journey you have ahead and also how they can help you along the way.

 

Good luck my friend xx

[Greasly23]

Thanks skippy, sorry for my rant earlier. Just feel like my recovery has paused and the frustration boils over, I thought I had accepted the new me but I guess in the early days it’s easy to accept the new you when deep down you think it’s ok I can get back to normal.

 

The longer it takes, the more you have to accept that the old you is long gone. I will try speaking to my gp again about therapy, but last time I tried I was told the waiting list was about 10 months long for 6 sessions which I decided I would probably be ok by that time and even if I wasn’t I’m not sure 6 sessions would even scratch the surface. My gp advised it was probably better to go private, but there is no way I can afford that, I’m only just managing to keep a roof over our head at the moment.

 

This sites helps a lot, just to know I’m not the only one struggling post SAH is a great comfort. Sorry for my current negativity, the heat is making things harder than usual.

xxx

[Macca]

Hey Greasly 23,

 

Guess what?  You have a new set of challenges to rise to now, not better or worse, just different.

 

1) Is to start looking at things in a more positive light - it's amazing what impetus a different outlook can give you

 

2) Is to start doing things and being proactive, however small and let people see you are trying. If they see you do this they should be more willing to start helping you themselves

 

3) Is to start getting better - doing things will help this. You've just fallen back a bit, now you must start climbing again.

 

4) Is to do a little tidying up and then sit down again - then do a little more.

 

5) Is to lay down some ground rules for the others in your house to chip in and do a bit - you can't do it all on your own anymore.

 

6)  Is to get some dietary advice from your doctor and stick to it and try a little exercise - even if it is only going for a short walk in the beginning - even if it is with a stick or on a treadmill if you have one - do something.

 

You are only 20 months out. I was over 24 months out before I could do a thing. Yes it is frustrating but I started to do little things and the little things became bigger things, and then bigger things still. 

 

On Saturday I am nine years out, but I am still not what I was but my quality of life is good. My outlook is positive and yours can be too, with a little grit and determination. Life is worth living and the rewards within myself are huge. I have seen my kids embark on their lives, my grandchildren grow up and I hope to see them married and in good jobs in due course too!

 

Life changes - it's how you deal with it that counts! Remember the song ....."I get knocked down but I get up again"....?

 

Keep digging in and making others astounded at your progress. Good luck Greasly 23, I really mean that.

 

Listen to what Skippy says re therapy - it really can help to get you on that recovery route.

 

One last thing - when you get frustrated - feel free to rant - it's why we are here - we've lived the nightmare too - but we all woke up to overcome it,

 

Best wishes,

 

Macca

[Louise]

Hi there

 

Oh goodness you survived its a hell that will ease honest - the good thing is you know there is a problem so get an appointment with your GP and talk to them about it, and get referred for councelling, you could also look at Headway site, they are brilliant.

 

And just DITTo all Skippy has said and Macca too all positive..

 

We know what its like make this the start by making an appointment and ask about councelling it really, really helps...

 

sending you all best wishes for a happier you...

[Susan]

Hi Greasly

 

Sorry you are feeling so low at the moment.

 

Are you still working? I note that in April this year you said the company you worked for had been taken over by a large global company. It might be worth investigating if they have an Employer Assistance Programme that gives access to 6 free counselling sessions   - many do. 

 

Hope things pick up for you soon. Xx

[V.Mama]

I feel for you Greasly 23

 

My husband survived an SAH in May 2019, and although his recovery has been amazing, I know that he has to work hard each day to be here and to get used to his new self.  All I can say is that Skippy and Macca and all of the other amazing and loving people on Behind The Gray have helped us both through, and continue to help us through.  

 

My husband and I are both just so incredibly grateful to have more time together, each day we celebrate being here together.  But life gets in the way sometimes, meals need cooking, dishes need doing, there's mundane ordinary stuff.  And it can get on top of us, and feel like a burden.

 

I guess one of the ways I look at it is, "what can I control?  What do I have a choice in?"  Because you don't have a choice about recovering from a SAH, and how slow the brain is to heal and rewire itself, and the other side effects from pain and medication.  But there may be things that you can control, that will help you to feel a bit better?  

 

I'm really pleased you can reach out for help and support on here, and please understand that even though you may not feel like you're very good company at the moment, your family and friends will still want to be with you.  I'm sure they're incredibly grateful to still have you with them.

 

xx Veronica

[Daffodil]

Some great advice already and I hope that one thing you can take to heart is you are not walking alone in this and it is ok to feel as you do as it was more than our brains that haemorrhaged , its effect is across our lives from the moment it happens. 

 

When I look back the first 12 months were all about, surviving , dealing with pain, reeling from one step forwards then back. Then the second 12 months were about taking stock of what was lost to me and with that a realisation that life had utterly changed and not just for me. Talking that through is key.

 

I echo Louise that Headway are superb, were for me anyway as assigned me a case worked who helped me regain things I had lost confidence to even try. Go back to GP and demand they help you , advocate for what you need and if you feel you can’t can someone help put that  are across. Speak to your treating hospital and ask what help they can give. There is support out but sadly you have to fight for it. 

 

Try to break things down smaller and set different standards of goals. You cannot roll back to where you where before your bleed happened but you can move from from now, in this moment and see what is possible for you today and start to celebrate that as much as you can.  

 

Write those things you achieve down at the end the end of the day, what has been good but also write down what made you sad, cross, and then let it all go for that day and start each day anew. One thing for sure is that life post SAH is never the same two days in a row.

 

You are still you with a life to be lived I promise, but you are compromised in what your brain will allow you to do right now. If you are low energy then it is a sign your brain is requiring that energy and is healing massively. Respect and nourish that . Eat well, move as you are able and set yourself goals and rest whenever  you need to without guilt and see that combination as your path to future continued healing, 

 

i wish you well. I am 7.5 yrs out. I know this version of me better now but early on, well let’s just say I did not like the upgrade much and was resentful of what I had lost. Today I celebrate each day, what I am able to do, I have regained much but move at my speed, my pace for this day and always stop to smell the roses. 

 

Go steady and be kind to yourself . 

Daff

[Kathy]

It has been a few months since your post, but I just came back to Behind the Gray today (almost 20 months post SAH) and appreciate your open rant. It helped me to see your transparency and to read the encouraging replies. I hope you are feeling better and thanks for being here. It does matter. Hugs, Kathy