Post SAH with behaviour issues

[Jane Gray]

My husband of 2 months had a Class One SAH left middle cerebral aneurysm on 16th October 2010 aged 46 years. He was coiled on 19th October 2010 and discharged on 28th October 2010. His Nimoprin finished the am of 6 November 2010 and since then every other day he is becoming increasingly more & more hostile in his manner towards me.

More or less every conversation we have results in me getting the blame for well anything, he says he cant speak to me because I never give him a straight answer on well again anything. He shuts me out, takes him self away refuses to speak to me in a civil manner, leaving me feeling really helpless, I dont know what to do, I made us an appointment with the GP and told them what is happening and the reaction was well its early days and told him he is to drink 3L of water, not to smoke and to chill out. In company & with visitors he is polite & friendly!

I understand his frustration, boredom, constant headache & anger at what has happened and I am here to support him 1 trillion billion million per cent.... but If this continues to get worse I have no idea how I am going to cope. Its not even been a month yet!

Today he has made my life a complete misery & I have cried so much I have a bad headache. I have no idea what to do to help him as he must be in complete meltdown over it all.

x

[jess]

Hi Jane firstly welcome to btg feel free to come here to share your sadness, frustration, and anger that is what we are here for. I know how angry and frustrated my husband used to feel at times. Try not to let it get to you as his brain and emotions need time to recover, but talk to him suggest counsiling which may also help. Hope things start to improve for you soon, and look forward to chatting sometime. Jess.xxx

[paul99]

hi jane

welcome to btg im sorry hubby is like he is it sounds as if he hasn't come to terms with what has happened to him like post traumatic stress disorder i mean no disrespect but it seems he has been discharge rather early may i ask you to contact the surgeons secretary and ask for him to be refered to a neuropyshcoligist who may be able to help him come to terms with what has happened

again may i ask if you maybe are mothering him a little to much i know you love him but maybe you could step back a little and let him do as much as he can the independent type of thing i know it was very hard on you because ive been there so to speak the event would have been more traumatic for you as well that i do know or ask your gp if he can contact the headway group in your area they may also be able to help you

im sorry i can be of much more help but remember we are here for you and hubby if he wants to come on line again it might help him take care and best wishes and good luck

[sallym25]

Jane,

"It's not even been a month yet!" . this sentence, in my opinion, is the one that stands out most in your post today. It's far too early for anyone to expect your husband to "come to terms" with whats happened to him. It will take much much longer before he is even able to understand what they have done to his head, then he will have to deal with how he is affected by it.

In time, one by one, he will accept all these issues and he will understand what a great support you have been for him. I expect, like me, he will come to the conclusion that he can never repay you for that.

Hopefully, his frustrations will pass soon, but, all this is normal and his emotions will be heightened for some time yet. It really brings home the meanings of the age old sayings like "emotional rollercoaster" and other similar Quotations.

give him a bit more time. I know it's areal struggle, but, he doesn't realise this yet. He will though. Be sure of that.

Take care of yourself too though. Thats really important. How would he get through it without you?

Please keep us up to date with his progress.

Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

Sally xxx

[winter]

Hi Jane - welcome to BTG. You are newlyweds? I am so sorry to hear you and your husband are having to deal with this, especially at a time which should be happy and joyous! It's a hard road to start off on this way. Your husband may not fully realize how his behavior is affecting you. I'm sure he is putting on his "happy face" when others are around because he knows that's what he has to do to get through it. When they walk out the door, he's back to himself again, so to speak. Feeling out of control, not himself, why did this happen to me, what will become of my life, etc... Those are some of the things that went through my head anyway. I know I said some cruel things and acted in ways which were hurtful toward my family. I didn't mean too, and of course I felt badly for it. I know that doesn't make you feel better while you're going through it, but maybe it can help you understand where he's coming from. It's a learning process for all of us and it may take a while for him to come to grips with what's happened. And you, too.

I'm glad you found BTG, as it is a wonderful place to learn and we are all here for one another. Keep your chin up! You're doing the very best you can do right now. Take care of yourself - get support for you and take all the help you can get from friends, family, counselors and of course here at BTG. Feel free to rant and rave here, we'll help you get through this!

Hang in there! Keeping you both in my thoughts

Carolyn

[JayKay]

Hello Jane and welcome! Gosh, poor you - what a way to start married life! Like the others have said, it's very early days indeed: I was still in hospital at 4 weeks! The others have also been very eloquent in their posts, so I'll just say "I second that" to each and every one.

Take care of yourself, and make sure you get all the help you need, be it from Headway or the Stroke Association or Different Strokes - they are all there to help. Good luck!

[Louise]

Hello Jane

Warm welcome to the site.

This is the place to be to vent hun....

Like the others so sorry to hear what your going through, I would say speak to the GP but you've done it, which wasnt all that helpful...

Maybe getting back onto the hopsital & explaine to them would be a better idea. Think maybe him getting councelling would be an idea too talk through his anger.

but Yes it is early days very early days.

One thing to remember this is what has happened to him before it happened if you'd told him what he was going to be like - he'd probably be mortified....

take care, and remember take time for yourself, its the carers that have as much the raw end & those effected.....

[waterball]

My hubby had his a year ago but luckily for him it was not due to an aneurysm but times are hard and i have the rages over anything he might hear on the tv let alone anything i might have said. my hubby is back on anti depressant as he knows he is getting out of hand. we are seeing a consultant next month so hopefully get some answers. listen to what everyone says on here and look after yourself. it is a long road ahead.

take care dix

[Ern]

Hi Jane. Welcome to BTG.

I had my SAH in October 2006. For a long while afterwards, I displayed similar symptoms to your husband.

I was very moody and irritable. I would explode at the slightest thing and I would blame my wife for everything and nothing.

I saw a rehab consultant who diagnosed me with Post-Concussion Syndrome.

from that point onwards, I began to return to my old self

I think that the first step is to get your hubby to acknowledge that something is not right.

It took me over a year to get to that stage. But give him tome and it will happen.

Good luck and stay strong.

[maggie]

Hi Jane ,really sad that you and your new husband are having to go through this.

It is a very difficult time for you too.Understandably you are bewildered with the changes in your husband and I hope your are getting support from your families and friends.And hopefully eventually you will get support from your doctor who you need to get right back to and yell until he/she listens!

It's such early days for your husband.He is no doubt totally bewilderd, devastated and scared.The best way you can help him at the moment is by not letting what he says to you wear you down and believe you will get through this.

You have been through a very frightening experience as well, unfortunately your husband won't be able to help you with this - not for some time!

Often the carers get neglected,taken for granted and are in such a difficult place.Do remember look after yourself and try rest and stay strong.

Best wishes and come back soon. Good luck,

[janevo]

Hi, sounds like i'm in the same boat as your husband. I'm 5 months on but just reading your post has made me cry cause i can see myself in it. My husband must feel the same as you and that really hurts me but i can't help it. I've always been the one who took charge and after about a month of my SAH i was expected to take charge again. I'm still now having to sort stuff out from then cause he hasn't bothered - i wake up anxious every morning and don't know what to do to sort myself out. Am waiting for an app with the physc but don't know when that will be.

[harrywatch]

Hi, sounds like i'm in the same boat as your husband. I'm 5 months on but just reading your post has made me cry cause i can see myself in it. My husband must feel the same as you and that really hurts me but i can't help it. I've always been the one who took charge and after about a month of my SAH i was expected to take charge again. I'm still now having to sort stuff out from then cause he hasn't bothered - i wake up anxious every morning and don't know what to do to sort myself out. Am waiting for an app with the physc but don't know when that will be.

Hi Jane, I take control as i always have done. My husband has been to hell and back three times already..... he got serious septiceamia in his right hand, he lost half his left leg in an military RTA, he woke up to his late wife being dead... holy sh*t this guy has been in the grief zone, but he his desire to live is amazing! he inspires me to carry on but I cannot handle the aggression he carries as a result of all this... he has used this aggression to carry on but wow! I need him to be aggresive but not to me! xxx

Edited February 19, 2011 by Skippy

[goldfish.girl]

Jane,

your post & the replies have been so hard to read. I am nearly 3 yrs on and know that I am so fiery to my closest family & friends. I think I'm doing ok but kick off so readily if things are not as I'd like them to be.

Recently my little boy got very ill & had to under-go a brain operation and I am even worse, probably as the role of a carer is just as hard (if not harder) than being a patient.

I have realised though that I am worse to my closest family and maybe that's because I expect them to take it? Your husband is so new to the illness that I don't think that applies but it's worth knowing for times ahead that, maybe, like me he will push those closest to their limit. It is still early days and he is still coming to terms with what has happened to him - a major shock to anyone I think. Given time he will go through many emotions as will you. If there is neuropsycology after care available in your area I would say it is a massive help.

Best wishes,

Michelle x