Feeling Angst

[kpaggett]

Anyone else have feelings of angst and not knowing how to even be in the world?

My neuropsychologist talked about acceptance as being a process and not just one thing or a destination. I am having a hard time accepting things, and am wondering if anyone else gets really mad like me. I cry all the time for the loss of the way I used to go about thinking/living. Now...I can't see the forest for the trees. I don't even look at the trees in the same way...they're so distracting and throw me on a boring tangent that I never wanted to even consider. I find myself talking to people that I really don't want to be engaged with because I'm more extroverted in my behavior now even though I really would prefer to be on my own and quiet...but I engage instead. How annoying.

~Kris

[MaryB]

Kris, Yes, I am angry. Having Fibromyslaia prepared me for this but I tell you if it is not one thing kicking me in my butt it's the other thing. Most days I am ok and can accept my limits but this weekend I am angry as I want to get so many things done ..............gardening, cleaning, etc. I want to pull ouot my beads but know I will feel overwhelmed if I did. etc.................... I would like 7 days a month of feeling great. That is my deal!

I HATE that I cannot make a decison anymore, I can't decide what to eat, cook, wear, buy, watch etc.....all my decisiveness is gone.

Edited May 14, 2012 by MaryB

[lisac]

Hi Kris, Angry and frustrated here too. I'm also having a hard time accepting this new version of me who always has to worry about over-doing

it and the consequences if I do. I have a very active husband and friends and I feel like I can't keep up. I've always been an introverted person, but it seems extreme now and I find myself wanting to be alone a lot. Like you Mary, on the weekends I have so many things I want to get done, but run out of steam half way through. I know I should just accept it and not be upset with myself or the situation, but it's difficult. I'll have a good week and think things are finally starting to get better, then something happens. My mood swings down or I start to physically hurt and the cycle starts over. Ugh.

[amexdm]

Hi Kris,

You, I and everyone are going through a loss. The loss of our former self. Its ok to be angry. It's ok to cry. But try to understand why you are angry and then try and get through it with the help of others. Perhaps your doctors have already told you these. There are 5 stages of grief;Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

They normally apply to the loss of something. It could be a pet, a family member, parent, marriage and in our case loss of our former self as we know it. I went through the loss of both of my parents in the last few years and it was hard but it was important to understand loss/grief. I miss and think about them every day but I have come to accept their loss.

You can search for it online and find many good articles. I have read them and they have helped. Its ok to feel as you do and there is no time frame for the stages, everyone is different. I hope this helps, it helped me.

Take it slow, you are early in your recovery. much love and hugs.

David xxxx

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Kris,

I've been through many break downs after I've tried to do something that used to be so natural to me. I would then cry for days, scream at people and then want to smash my house up. The last time this happened was after I went to a lunch with all the people I used to work with. So many people were coming over to say 'hi', half the time I couldn't remember their names, the other half I couldn't think of a single thing to say to them, my mind just didn't work. It had happened many times before that and looking back I think each break down was another little bit of acceptance falling in to place as yet another limitation/change was highlighted.

For me this process took over 3 years. I still get times when I want to cry with disappointment and frustration when I struggle to do something (trying to understand train tickets a couple of weeks ago was the latest one). Now it is a less traumatic thing, it upsets me but not for long & I often have a small cry, no longer 3 days of tears.

It will all get easier. You can't just 'accept' it, you can't make acceptance happen, it's a process that we all have to work through. Life is easier when you have finally found some peace with how things are now. You'll get there too Kris in your own time.

Michelle xx

[Winb143]

Hi Kris

You are still whoever you want to be. the new you, the old you is still there but giving you a rest...Now at times like this I always quote my Mum, she would have said "Head up Win...shoulders back ...now say I am just as good as anyone else, in fact I'm better"

Then Mum and me.... would march off down the road ....left right ..our arms swinging in time lol bet we looked a pair of fools but did we care..

No way ! ..So Kris head up .. and be proud of how far you have got..and how much you have achieved...

Mary you also I want you to keep head up also...after 3 march.... hup 2 ...hup 3 ....Win walks away looking at Mary n Kris

walking into lamp posts..ok head a little lower you 2 lol ..hmmmmm I have forgotten the rest...so ..........

Love

WinB143 xx keep smiling xxxxxx..remembered it "behind the tears comes laughter"

Be Well All xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxBTGers xxxxxxxxxxx

Edited May 15, 2012 by Winb143

[Macca]

Hi Kris,

that's what's missing - the wow factor, it seems like me, that things don't bother you as much as they once did and that you have lost some of your boundaries - or have you? You cared enough to post, you cared not that you have become extrovert and therefore pushed your boundaries further than you 've gone before. What you are doing, it seems to me, is going round the perimiters looking for the fence only to find it isn't there anymore. All that stops you is your own deep seated mental conditioning and the memory of who you once were. Now that you have pushed the boundaries back, you are feeling slightly lost and you are looking for new ones - the old ones are still there - they are just behind you at the moment. It's a bit like riding a bike and realising that someone's taken the stabilisers off because you don't need them any more. Maybe you have found what some of the rest of us are looking for!!

Let yourself go Kris, enjoy the new you - you're still in there, but now there's more of you than even you yourself realised!!

Every day is a bonus.

Believe in yourself Kris - we all do!!

best wishes

Macca

Edited May 15, 2012 by Macca
bad grammar

[donnamarie]

Hi Kris

I could write a book on this !!!!!! i just cant come to terms that the old me is gone. i had so much planned for my life was working an enjoyable job making plently on money and having a great life and planning on starting a family this was 2 years ago now im stuck in limbo cant do anything now my dream of fostering when i was 30 has gone out the window i seem to just do nothing i often wonder if this is going to be forthe next 40/50 years. some days are better than other and i look forward to these. My biggest problem is i push myself to try and be the old me or at least part of her and then when i fail i get really done on myself

bigs hug going your way

donna xxx

[cathmat]

after just reading the thread it was as if you were all in my mind , Kris i dunno how to be is so approapraite i feel like someone has taken my life and left me with half a life . i lie in bed in the morning s willing myself to go back to sleep cos cant always face the day . wondering what aqm i gonna be able to do today and if i will pay for it tom. im trying to be positive but its hard, keep your chins up girls ,x

[Louise]

Think we've 'all been there, felt like that' acceptance is a process for me once I accepted that the old me was never going to return & I accepted the 'new me' I started moveing forward thinking wow how many other dont get this chance.

where I understand you just wanting to be on your own Dont give into that in the long run its not good for you.....

its not annoying its how the SAH has left you smile because there are lots out there who dont have the chance that you do 'we are indeed the lucky ones'

take care

[Sandi K]

Yes, I can relate to this too. In all sorts of ways.

I spent some time googling the 5 stages of grief last night David. Thank you for offering up that suggestion. I definitely see myself flipping through those stages back and forth through some multiple times.

In the early days when I thought I was well on my way to being "100% recovered" I would make all kinds of mistakes at the bank. Messed up my pin password more than once, messed up a few payments. I was determined to pretend nothing was wrong with me though ! When Anya was visiting (we met on BTG) she took the time and explained to the tellers about my SAH and how we met on BTG and that she flew over from England. Since that day the tellers have been ever so kind to me! And I've still messed up since then over the past year but they are far more patient and we have a giggle over it now. Before they knew about it I would get angry at them for my mistakes! much better to laugh about it and carry on.

I wonder if my whole going back to work early was the bargaining stage. 'I'll just do this much and everything will be ok '. Hmmmm. Will take that to the psychologist later today.

Kris, I still get angry and I'm just peeking at the door of acceptance... Just thinking of knocking on it.

Sandi K.

[MaryB]

Hi Kris

Just had to come in on this thread.

I think acceptance to key to recovery from this but it took me a long time and I got a lot of help from my psychologist. If you don't have a psychologist then anyone who will listen to you and understand will be a good start. (just noticed that you do have one!!) The more you start to talk about this the easier it becomes. I was told to write down how I feel then read it over and over not constantly just pick a quiet time once a day. This is actually a very difficult thing to do as I got very emotional about it all but bit by bit I started to accept things and didn't find it just so sad. There is name for this technique but I've forgotten it (now there's a surprise!!)

Also I was taught how to switch thoughts, so say you are having negative thoughts about something then immediately switch to something positive. For example I can't just jump in the car and go to a shopping centre any-more something that I took for granted. But instead of feeling sad about this now I would switch thought to ...'well I can still go but have to go with someone else'. And I still enjoy it. There's a list of things for me though I've been quite badly affected.

With acceptance though comes contentment and now I'm more than happy with my 'lot'. Having said all this though I do think there is always room for improvement and its nice some days to do things that I didn't think I would be capable of.

Hope this helps.

"Switch thoughts", thank you, I have forgotten how to stop listening to that little destructive voice in my head. I "switched thoughts" many times in my life while quittting smoking etc but sometimes I get stuck in "I can't beleive these headaches are back" thoughts. I must remember to be thankful everyday for all the things I CAN do & from that I can help others by example. Thanks Momo, I needed that! Mary

[MaryB]

Sandi & All of you,

I am still messing up all the time and I do find when you tell someone why it sheds a light on them being more tolerant of me and others. I hope when I have told a teller or cashier etc that they stop and think the next time someone is having some difficultly. I always hope so at least. At work if we know someone has an issue or whatever going on or even the elderly we always treat them with more patience and such. As everyone can relate to someone they know and love and UNDERSTAND what they may be feeling. We will even hold up te line to walk out an older person with their pet to their car even if people are waiting. I always think things like 1 out of 4 woman will get breast cancer and look at my co workers and see us all differently. SO it really does not matter what is going on it matters that we treat people better with more understanding. I am no different than my BIL in radiation with throat cancer right now, or my dear friend who went through 3 rounds of chemo 2 summer ago and has to have her 4th knee operation this summer or my neighbor with a horrible rare disfiguring tumor disease gene she passed to her kids and they all have skin cancers they have to attend to all the time. We all have some sort of baggage.

I am however not in a happy place right now and I need to learn to turn the switch off in my brain but I do feel so useless and wasteing my days by napping or resting as so much I want to do instead of resting,. I just need to find a way to do them with my head laying down.

maryb

[DawnS]

This is a great thread. I am at the absolutely furious stage right now! I guess we can rename the stages to suit a little huh? Acceptance just doesn't seem to be near for me at all and my fury usually results in me throwing whatever it is I'm trying to do that my brain simply won't wrap around. This includes a drawer front and screwdriver (yesterday) and for my efforts, I now have a dented freezer as well as feeling like an absolute moron.

It's good to know that we all feel similar things and we are not alone in our fury, tears or what ever it is that we are feeling right now. Mary, I like what you are saying about others and their issues. There is a lady at Headway who had a stroke in her sleep and when she woke up, she was paralysed and couldn't speak. How terrifying! It makes me feel bad for getting frustrated the way I do. Things could be much, much worse. I try to remmeber how mum was after her sah. It took her 2 days to die as they didn't feed or hydrate her, she drowned in her own lungs eventually and the brain damage was extensive. That could have been me, so what have I got to moan about?

[KelBel]

This is a great thread! And Mary you are so right... we do not always know what others are going through, and we ourselves know that our pain can be hidden away because we look okay on the outside!

I am 2.5 yrs post-sah and I am starting the acceptance stage now. I have certainly gone through the anger and frustration stage! on and off for many years now I think!! But I do believe I am turning a corner now...

Dawn - that is awful about your mum, such a cruel way to die.x

[winter]

I can identify with everything you've all said. I am soooooooooooooo not in a happy place right now, either. While I am so very grateful to be alive and lucky to have not suffered many of the problems others have, I still have to deal with the problems I do have and they are valid for me.

As to the stages of grief, I had never really thought of it that way. I'm almost 2 1/2 yrs. post SAH, and silly me, thought I'd be so much further along in the "acceptance" thing. I know it's a process and is different for each of us. For me, I seem to visit the different stages, going back and forth. Then I get to a point where I'm feeling the acceptance and something else comes along and knocks me for a loop and I fall back into another stage. That's part of the process too.

I'm realizing a lot of things about my life, not just the SAH stuff. I've had a lot of loss in my life, a lot in the past few years - much of it very difficult. I've gotten through it and I know I'll continue to get through it again. I'm just "f"ing tired of it all and I'm really, really (insert lots of ugly swear words here) angry.

Maybe I don't know how to "be" anymore either. I don't seem to fit in to a lot of places where I once did. That's ok, but it's another loss to grieve for. So on it goes.

I do wish I could get some counseling - the county health plan doesn't cover that, and with no income, it leaves me to myself and a very limited number of people (some whom have become tired, I think, of hearing it and don't understand why I can't just move on). Coming onto BTG has been the biggest help for me. I know you all get it, have gone through it or are still going through it.

So thank you all for being here!!!

We all just have to stick together and support one another - as is the norm for this wonderful bunch of people!!!

Gonna go cut up some watermelon, change my thoughts (is it cognitive behaviour therapy?) and see where the day takes me.

Big hugs to everyone

[rprice38]

Felt I had to write something here - I feel like this all the time. On the outside, I look like the old me and most of the time I do the things I used to do. Since my stroke, it is as if my thoughts have been taken over by some weird force that I can't control. It is so frustrating when you can't explain to anyone what this is like. Even my lovely husband can't understand why I am struggling with certain things when he looks at me and thinks I am "back to normal".

Only 6 monthes since my stroke - hope these feelings will go as I continue to recover - we have to hope!

[Winb143]

Tell hubby how you feel.....I guess we aren't the same....but we are (as Louise said) the lucky ones..we survived and to me

it gave me a chance to tell all whom I love how much I care for them ......But things settle down and we get back to grrrrrrring again lol

Keep well and happy and smileeee xx

Love.

WinB143 xx

[kpaggett]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for letting me in on your lives a little too. I'm so relieved that other people felt the same way! Looking at SAH as a loss and traversing the stages of grief totally relates in my case.

I also loved the idea of moving boundaries. I think it is true, we get used to a way and then it changes; sometimes so rapidly that we can't even identify the boundaries at times...and yes, you have to challenge them in order to determine if they even apply anymore...how exhausting. It used to be so easy, I always knew my limits - they were consistent.

The main thing is thanks to all who responded to me, you have no idea how much it's picked me up today

~Kris