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My deficits 1 1/2 yrs out

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Hi, I just wanted to briefly say where I am 1 1/2 yrs out. What made me think of it is, I spoke with nurses who have known and worked with me forever and this is what THEY see.


Firstly, i am happy and doing great. I am working almost full time.But again, it is best to let Others tell you how you are, because like most men, I am in some denial and want to push forward. Here goes:


1)I am more laid back about life. This has been the best gift of this thing. I fly and visit family, play golf, run, and dont work so hard. My ICU doc told me all young people he sees with this are uptight workaholics and that was me. I was kind of a miserable workaholic before and not now. YEAH!!! Thank you!!!


2)I cannot learn some things. I read a lot and am learning spanish. Why???? Bcz i am trying to prove I can do it. But the other night, i went to a salsa class and just could NOT learn it. 4 steps, could not do 4 steps. I can learn on my own (ie:learning spanish) but if someone verbally shows me, i can not learn it. simple things.Frustrating.


3)this is funny, but i put things in particular places and they MUST be there or I get angry. This is all after the bleed. I had a rentacar the other day. And immediately after getting in, I rearrange everything to where it "lives" in my home car. Things must live in their place!!!I have some fear of losing things. My mind cannot remember where i put it. So i always put it one place only. When parking the car I always park in same spot. Each place i go has one spot. Or else i will never find the car.


4)I am more adhd now. So say my coworkers. "we have to keep you on track" they say.


5)my emotions go up and down. This is a tough one, because I do stupid things and people blame me. I think the emotion center of my brain was damaged. This causes me trouble because noone wants a doctor with emotion issues, right??


6)I meet people, then remeet them. Funny.


7)I repeat myself a lot. This annoys people. They tell me all the time. "you already told me that". I get that a lot.

(just reading this post, i noticed i have repeated the "learning spanish" thing 4 x already, jeeeeesh!)


8)My short term memory is TERRIBLE. What were we talking about??? Just kidding. But seriously, if i am in a restaurant and get up to grab a fork, half way there I have no idea what I went there for. So I say to myself "fork,fork , fork, fork" and then the person near me says "what did you say??" And i say "fork". And they say "why are you saying fork?" It is daily comedy in my life.


9)I have eliminated toxic people from my life. Another gift of this experience. I used to be polite to them out of politeness. No longer. They have been deleted.


I also remember , very clearly, who came out of the woodwork to help me through this crazy ordeal, and I remember very clearly who abandoned me and pretty much left me to die.


My deficits are comical to me. They show something of how the mind works. I can memorize the past preterite tense of spanish of an irregular verb, BUT cannot remember where the car is!


I have strengthened my relationship God thru this ordeal and thank Him every day for my recovery and new life!!

I am probably more glad that im not paralyzed then dead. I was very lucky to be alive, not paralyzed, back to work. So you will never hear me complain about my deficits. To me, they are comedy.


I thank God every day for my new life!

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 Hi FRM,


I am so happy to have made it and I thank my Family for that as OT's said to say goodbye to the old me and they thought I'd never get better so they said to"Put her in a Home"  so in a way glad I called them witches lol .  None of this I remember but my brain told me not to trust them.  Was injured brain then.  


Hubby wouldn't have any of it and my Sisters tell me how great Hubby and Daughter were.  Sisters singing to me etc and when I had a shunt put in I woke up and sung to Nurse.


I get on hubby's nerves so I know I am better ..Isn't it so good to have made it xx I do sometimes look up to sky and have a conversation with my Mum and sometimes Jesus as I saw a man in a long gown when out of it.  


My Daughter and I, we laugh at silly things I said.  Thought one time I was in a café and I wanted to pay for it and we look back and giggle.


We are Survivors FR and so pleased we made it xx This site helps loads  as if I told anyone else what I told you they'd go" yeah yeah Win "  Glad you are doing well and good to have happy people around us xxx and sing a song or 2  in key or out lol   


Take care and Adios mi amigo lol xxxx 

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What a great reply! You I think are earlier out than me. But we both had similiar bleeds. I, too, had really weird behaviour in hospital, with accusations toward family similiar to yours. Strange, how the mind works.

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frmrtd many thanks for your frank post. 


As is often quoted ..`God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can … and the wisdom to know the difference`. 


Much more relevant to those recovering after SAH. :thumbsup:





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Wonderful posts Frmertd and Win you inspire me so...thank you, thank you all...


Subzero love the God grant me the serenity prayer also, I say I say it often.. 


We are survivors and it took me a while to stop feeling like a victim....Can't say I am 100% there, some days closer than others, all your words help so much with that..


xx Jean

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Glad you are better. You are a physician also and sometimes it makes me think back and remind myself that I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t have to address many things when a patient comes in. I can just do the most critical things and have them come back always.


My good friend from school also had stage 4 colon cancer. He is 48 so he doesn’t go for colonoscopy yet till age 50. He is slowly getting better and now back to work. Going through 2 more chemos. I hope to visit him in Louisiana next year.


We all have to work so the helpful thing is to do no harm or be safe. As you already know we have to practice defensive medicine. I don’t argue with people much these days and I document everything especially if they were non compliant. The good thing about my job is I know many patients very well and vice versa since this is the only job I had after 2 months of locum. So since they know me well, there is trust and they are very less likely to sue and I can sometimes yell at them for noncompliance issues.


You are very lucky to be alive so cherish each day. You can pray also but might I suggest meditation for I believe I have changed my karma many times over. It will be very good for your mind and memory. No one has harmful side effects from it.

I did a nine day retreat in Oct.  I told my boss I will go work with my meditation on the case. We are being sued. Patient did not go for ultrasound when the PA asked him to one year ago.


To make long story short, he had cirrhosis of the liver and sued us. Of course did not sue pain management but sued everyone else. We were about to go for practicing with deposition etc.  It is not even my patient but im sued because I m the owner. 


I had no phone or outside contact. When I came out of the IMC Usa after nine days, I see a text saying the pt dropped all the charges. My boss and other people were very surprised. I do believe in the power of meditation and the good karma it creates for us.


Good to learn Spanish. I m learning it from an app to but not recently since it s not been used much in daily life.

Not sure what you mean by toxic people. Sometimes they might have good intentions just don’t see them with green glasses. Give people a chance. Life is too short. It s better to forgive than to have a grudge.


I can promise you-meditation will help with adhd and short term memory and controlling the emotions and it will be very beneficial in daily life. It is not easy but you keep on working at it. I plan to work this crazy job for ten more years and may be just work part time or locum for 3-4 months per year. You see hubby has state pension and he s a little older than me so he can get social security sooner.


If you ever are looking for a primary care job. We need someone next Jan. You ll be at a different location than me . One doctor is retiring and I m sure we can even arrange 3 days of 12 hr shifts or reduced schedule such as 36 hrs week.  We do lots of paperwork but I m sure it s not as crazy as the ER. Just think about it. We can’t find many people who wants to work private and be a partner. You might not make much money first but partner money can be very nice. 


Take care and do not drink alcohol for it can cloud the mind. I m glad you are doing well. Take one day at a time, one breath at a time.


I will be again doing a nine day retreat with no phone/ no contact in May of this year 10th thru 19th I believe. The mind needs at least 3-4 days to calm. 

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Swishy alias Jean & FRM ,


I think you are doing great from when you first came on here so well done to you Jean xx.


Can you imagine all of us going to see FRM to tell him our complaints,  we would be his only patients,  as others would walk out fed up with waiting.


Also FRM you would get a bad head.  From us all remembering what we was going to say at the same time.


Got to smile as we must have said some funny things when in Cuckoo land xxxx 


Love to you all  Salsa classes start at 12. FRM 


Win xxxx 


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I will give you a slightly different look from the outside at what you have written, laced with a little irreverence, humour and a lot of love!

Your credits, not your deficits, your positive changes and increased sense of who you now are, thanks to your nurses and your reflection! I take your points one at a time in the order you made them!


1) Your perception has changed and made you reflect on what is important in life - well done, you made the right choices with regards to work life balance,


2) Keep trying the salsa steps, it will sink in when you are in the right mood and frame of mind - get to work in parrallel with someone who knows the steps and do them at a slower pace until it sticks. Instead of Salsa steps call them Spanish steps - if Spanish is going in call them Spanish!  Worth a try!


3) This is part of your brain telling you it recognises things in their familiar place. If it works for you then keep doing it! Your parking space can be called the Spanish spot!


4) This is good - you have their attention!


5) These emotions display a level of honesty, just be mindful that perhaps a little more tact is called for, not a change of opinion. People often blame others when they want to deflect fault from their own actions to yours. They know your weak spot - do you know theirs?


6) We all do that, it's just you are more aware of it now.  You remember the important ones but not the ones that are less significant to you.  You can't remember everyone, don't beat yourself up about it. If needs be, write their names down and why you need to remember them. If there's no reason, then there's no point to remembering them - therefore no worries so go back to point 1 - laidback!


7)Nothing wrong with that - repetition transfers short term to long term memory thus eradicating the problem at issue!  Great!


8) Laugh - because it's a comedy - it's good to laugh!


9) Another good point - why keep up with toxics - getting rid was a good decision - well done!


10) With regards to your Spanish again - buy a Spanish car and then maybe you'll remember where you left it - (in Spanish of course!) Lateral thinking!


What's Spanish for "Credits not Deficits?"


It's just a different way - and hopefully more positive way of looking at things! 


Good luck






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To me, it s not about being positive or negative, it is just seeing the things as they are, as it is.


we can worry and be anxious all day long or we can not care and live happily. But the truth is we will face old age, disease and we all come with an expiration date.

If things are going the way we want all the time, we won’t even be on this forum. I m still very healthy but my knees remind me I m not in my twenties. 


I think the key is to not to be too worried, not to be too attached to self, to be able to control / train your mind, your worries, anger, greed, hatred, delusions. 


It is also helpful to have a partner/ spouse / friends who understands you and respect and accept you. but that can just be luck/ fate/ karma too.

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  • 1 month later...

I could've wrote that post myself, and I am 4 years out! Esp. Telling my family members the same thing over and over and forgetting what I was going for and repeating it to myself! Thanks for sharing! I hope you continue to improve! I was an EMT, but can't multi task anymore; an essential aspect of the job!

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  • 4 weeks later...

2.5 years on .

1. Don’t waste my time with people I don’t like .

2. Grateful for my life

3.I still get scared every time I have a headache or strange sensation.

4.Sometimes I can’t sleep because I think I won’t wake up .

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  • 1 month later...


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