caz Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 (edited) Hi all, my name is carol and i come from wiltshire. I had an sah on 30th march 2008. A few days leading up to it i had a bad headache and put it down to pressure at work. on the morning it ll happened i had been for a swim,shopping in town and done some lunch and then bang! the next few hours were frightening in one way and peaceful in others. my husband phoned the local hospital who thought it was migraine and told me to sleep it off (not too hard when you are in and out of conciousness) eventually after an hour of sickness, slurring words not being with it at all and losing my sight my husband spoke to hospital again and they said to bring me in. first thought was meningitis but they did ct scan and then realised what had happened and sent me off by ambulance to oxford. they were fantastic there and coiled the sah and also found a larger aneurysm which they coiled also. i went back to work mid june 2008 although looking back it was stupid as i couldnt cope or manage well but i had always been super woman and thought i could do anything. after 6 months went for angio and the larger aneurysm needed clipping as coils were not holding. the neck was widening. after a few cancellations i eventually went in may 4th 2009 for craniotomy. again drs and nurses were wonderful and i managed to come home after a week although pain sent me back in by ambulance 2 days later. occupational therapy and physio were then put into place and i came home the next day with a lot of support. But who am i now? dizziness headaches tiredness confusion memory is awful and cant stand lots of noise. where do you get the answers? i was hoping to go back to work after 8 weeks but that hasnt happened and i dont know when it will. I saw consultant last week and thankfully he is pleased with op and so all should be ok now for a while although he said it is possible the original one may need clipping or recoiling one day. where do you go from here? everyone says i look well but its not how i feel in my head. i think even friends are probably getting fed up with hearing it all, and family do their best to help but cant understand it all. Im hoping from this site i can gather information and support from others who have the same feelings as myself. I thank god i survived every day but who am i now? thank you to whoever has read this outpouring but it has been quite therapeutic. hope to get some replies take care and god bless you all carol Edited August 18, 2009 by bogbrush Name added to thread title Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hi Carol Welcome again, glad you found the right section. Good to hear that the process of writing your story has been therapeutic and I am not surprised after what you have been through. To have the SAH is traumatic enough but then to go through the coils not holding and having to return for clipping all adds to the stress and trauma. It sounds as though you are doing amazingly well too. Considering a return to work after 8 weeks was rather optimistic as you now know! Just being able to concentrate enough to write your story at this stage is quite an achievement. Another sign of that superwoman in you finding its way out!Just don't get tangled up in the cloak in your hurry to recover too quickly! It must be difficult for friends and family to understand any of what we go through post SAH and they have their own issues to deal with from having to watch us go through it, as can be confirmed from reading the Carers pages on the forum. I know we all feel at times that because we look OK we should feel OK but it does not work like that unfortunately. As to who you are now, you are "Carol after her SAH" whatever that may mean now and in the future, it will change lots over the coming months I am sure and whether any of us are ever totally the same post SAH is debatable. Coming to terms with the new "us" seems to be one of the most difficult things to cope with for many.I know I get upset at times saying I am no longer Me but I am now trying to accept that I am a new Me, different but no less valuable, than the old Me. Although the Superwoman outfit does not fit very well any longer but hey ho! Anyway, welcome once again, hope you find friendship and answers here. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hello again Carol And warm welcome to the site.... writing/typing it down can be very theriputic and can also help you understand/see just what you've been through....... I'm not the same person that I was before took a long time to work my head around that the old me was gone but I kinda like the new me, once I stiopped fighting against it and worked with it then I started to recover, well enough to get by...... keeping a diary also is a good way of helping you remember things and helps you see how far you have come..... take care Louise.xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
donna79 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hello Carol You are not alone in these feelings and I to had a sah in april 08.... I STILL have dizzyness, full head, whoozy head, nausea and Panic attacks and suffer bad with anxiety x x x x I tell myself one day at a time and do what I feel x x Its difficult when my husband doesnt understand and trys to push me to the max x x it drives me mad because none of my family and friends understand x x x I love coming on BTG because you know you are not alone x x x Sending you a massive hug x x x I also thought I would be better by now and finding it all really hard to know how to pace myself x x x I am back at work 26 hours a week and have a 3 year old my hubby also managers a pub so when i'm not at work I am with my 3 year old and feel now that people need to help me out more x x x I have decided to join a gym and do it my way x x x (anger release:lol:) Also making plans to gom out with my sister more on our own and do things like going to cinema and bowling x x x I dont really like going out drinking anymore it just does not seem to appeal to me x x x shame you dont live closer you could of come with us x x x x x :-D lots love to you hun donna xxxxx (sorry i've rabbited on just want you to know you are not alone ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myratas Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hi Carol and welcome to BTG Thank you for sharing your story, I had my SAH on the 13 March 2008. I think we all go through more or less what you are going through and we do understand. I am certainly not the person I once was and I have been told that so many times but I have now found the new person which I sometimes find hard to accept as I too no longer feel like superwoman. Like the others have already mentioned that here you can talk to us about how you feel because the others who have not had SAH cannot comprehend the problems that some of us have. Feel free to come back here anytime and chat. Take care. Myra xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hi Carol A very warm welcome to BTG ....you will find alot of us that feel just how you do. As the others have said....you will also find lots of support and friendship here...look forward to hearing more from you...take care, Love Tina xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hi Carol A warm welcome and thank-you for sharing your story with us. If you feel your family and friends don't understand what you're going through get them to visit BTG they will then be aware of what you're having to cope with and come to terms with. Look forward to hearing more from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrycornish Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hiya Caz, Glad you found the page:-D I am going to quote Ann now As to who you are now, you are "Carol after her SAH" whatever that may mean now and in the future, it will change lots over the coming months I am sure and whether any of us are ever totally the same post SAH is debatable. Coming to terms with the new "us" seems to be one of the most difficult things to cope with for many.I know I get upset at times saying I am no longer Me but I am now trying to accept that I am a new Me, different but no less valuable, than the old Me. Although the Superwoman outfit does not fit very well any longer but hey ho! All I can add to that is 'That is it in a nutshell and is how I feel, am getting to know the new 'Me' a bit better too and parts of the finding out can, doubtful as it may seem, be fun, for starters I think the new me is more patient with herself, not so sure about patience with others though:frown2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vivien Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hello Carol and welcome to this very helpful site, you are definitely not alone I can only echo what the others have said, a month after my SAH I phoned my GP to ask why I couldn't clean the kitchen worktop without feeling dizzy and numb on one side, he said 'get back to bed and rest more!' In some ways I feel the same person but in other ways I am not, and it is learning to accept things as they are now that I found the hardest. Two years on I still get tired, confused and frustrated but things are getting better Vivien x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caz Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 (edited) wow! thank you all for replying to my story it was lovely to feel a part of something with people who have been through it too. just been for a little walk on my own so been a bit dizzy and done in lol. will keep coming back to this site and hope to be able to help someone one day the way you have all helped me by welcoming me in. have been told now that my consultant is going to refer me to neuro psychologist to help with anxiety/noises in head anyone else had help with this? love and best wishes to you all and thank you again carol x ps ruined two saucepans last night as i forgot i had put dinner on... ooops!would normally put timer on but forgot that too........oohh a memory would be good. x Edited August 19, 2009 by caz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hi carol you made me giggle...we have all done it ! Sometimes i get really cross with myself.....but i have found it is better to laugh and start again !!! Timer sounds a great idea as well....Karen suggested post it notes to me...i swear by them lol!!! Yellow post it notes everywhere...but they do help! Take care Love Tina xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vivien Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Yes I have seen a neuropsychologist ( please excuse spelling) and yes it does help I use a diary and post its Timer sounds like a good idea, I have a lot of burnt offerings and keep telling my family that charcoal is good for them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perrycornish Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 (edited) The timer idea, I like, might help me to be a reasonable cook again;-) I use Post its too and also have a mini dictaphone, which lives in the pocket of my jeans ( only seldom and under protest do I wear any other ensemble;-)) It's for the good ideas I have when away from the Post-its but have forgotten by the time I get back to them:lol: Tina, I am still trying to work out exactly what it is you do with yours Karen suggested post it notes to me...i swear by them lol!!!Do you really, I have this wonderful vision of your house full of notes saying 'Damn' 'Blast' etc, the rest I leave to other imaginations than mine:lol: Edited August 19, 2009 by perrycornish I made a typo, which made even me blush! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hey there Welcome to the site and to the family. You must rest hun. I remember being soo defiant and saying "this thing is not going to take a year of my life" How wrong was I!!! I'm three years in on Monday and I'm still not completely the person I was before - to be honest I don't think I want to be. Once I stopped fighting against the new me and accepted it, things became a lot easier. Once I accepted that my brain had had a major trauma and I had to be patient with it and myself I stopped beating myself up about something that was out of my control. The worse thing for me is my memory isn't what it used to be and I do still get frustrated sometimes, but that's natural. Some one on here wrote that their Grandfather once said "I may look well from afar, but I am far from well" Never a true word spoken. For those around you that don't understand or are fed up of hearing about it - tell them to walk a mile in your shoes and then tell you about it - other than that get them to look at this site to see exactly how it is for a lot of us. Listen to your body, get plenty of rest and plenty of fluids - it takes time. It's a long road to recovery, but you're allowed to make as many pit stops a long the way as you like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karen Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I can't add much, as everybody has given good, sensible advice, as always! ..... It's still lovely to see, that even in adversity, that we can maintain a sense of humour, when everything seems to be going pear shaped....which, it often does post SAH! Perry, I still swear by Post It notes and an A4 pad ....if, I can find a pen .... and must admit, that my swearing has got a lot worse since the SAH .....anybody else notice that? .... It can be a long road to recovery and it takes time for us to get used to the person that we are now ..... it also takes time, for those around us, to recognise the same.... a steep learning curve, but life does get better and better.....xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anya Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hi Caz, I am in west hants so we’re neighbours! I am roughly 4 yrs & 8 months past ‘the event’! I ditto all your symptoms, only now they’ve radically diminished except for the low tolerance to loud noise which I still cannot cope with! I work part-time and study the rest so enjoy this new balance. I did have zilch confidence with memory and, being expected to remember facts would be scarey and overwhelming…a case of believing I can’t cope, so won’t cope!! Returning to study, using my brain has boosted confidence and vastly improved memory…so I’m inclined to think this can be repaired over time the more you use your brain! Although not fully intact, I do take a dictaphone on walks if there’s a lot of thinking to be done. If your headaches are severe and all too regular then visit the gp and see if he can prescribe something really more effective. The main objective is to ensure that you eat well, sleep well and rest when you need to; o’h and keep a structure to your day so that you can improve your physical/mental/emotional stamina. As to the question ‘who am I now’, its okay, you’lle slowly but surely reconnect to your former self…albeit undergone a change, but it will come back; don’t be disheartened…it will take time! You take good care! Anya Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hey there Yes Karen, I've noticed that your language has definitely got worse over the last three years :crazy: but seriously, yes I tend to swear more or should I say I'm made to swear more often now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasbo Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hi Caz I too am an echo of what the others who have gone before have said. I'm almost 3 years on from SAH and almost 2 years on from 2nd annie clipping and have still not accepted that I can't step back into that phone booth to become superwoman. I still hugely miss the old me and cannot fully accept that she won't be back but I know I have to. Also, memory is pretty cr*p - oh, who am I trying to kid, it's totally cr*p, but on here and at meets we all get to laugh at ourselves because we are all going through the same thing and it is so therapeutic to be with people who absolutely understand. Don't get me wrong - there are many aspects of the new me that I like and I know are improved......a calmness, serenity and a willingness to accept whatever life might throw at us...... but I do miss 'sasbo superwoman'! I guess what I'm trying to say is we've all been to a similar place and all share what you are going through so you're not alone whilst you visit here. Good to read your story and do stick around, it's a great site. Sarah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caz Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 hi all, its great to hear from you and you will be glad to hear the family got food without charcoal yesterday lol....had two sleeps during the day though as its such hard work buying a newspaper and walking home lol.....im going to try and read and take in my work magazines today. have got a pile to go through as they might as well have been in chinese for the last couple of months! i have worked in pharmacy for 30 yrs making up the drugs and giving advice and at the moment im only on the recieving end. not sure how long until im ready to go back and try to start again as it takes a lot of concentration. but hey ho im sure it will happen but maybe only part time instead of full time. have a good day everyone and take care carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Carol, I have notes too, bills on the firdge with maganets otherwise they dont get paid, & at one point 3 timers when cooking...... only thing thats lessoned is I now have 2 timers You just have to do things slowley plenty of rest inbetween, we've all been there...... take care Louise.xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest norasark Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Hi Carol from one newbie to another. Great idea about the post its, must get some ( if I can remember ) lol. I suppose in time we will get there, I don,t like the person I have became because of the head plumbing so I guess it is up to me to change it. I am so nippy and get wound up so easily, I get annoyed when things are too loud or go on for to long etc. All the best to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Hi there Your heading reminded me of a documentary programme on TV about Shenna McDoanld first one was 'Am I still me' and the second was 'Who am I now' when I watched it I kept saying Oh I do that, or I feel like that...... Louise.xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caz Posted August 24, 2009 Author Share Posted August 24, 2009 hi louise, never heard about the sheena mcdonald thing before is there any way of getting that on i player bbc or anywhere else? i read a fantastic book that i would reccomend by jane lapotaire called time out of mind. she is an actress who had a sah and has written about her feelings. i leant the book to my boss at work and she has now some understanding of what this is like. I like to soak up any info i can get hold of that will help and that i can show friends and family to help them understand what this is like. Talking of which i phoned headway to ask if there is any way they could offer me some support and they can for 48 pounds a day...no way i can afford that on statutary sick pay so another dead end i think. keep trying and i will get help somewhere or somehow. Hope everyone here is ok and had a good day best wishes carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hi Carol I've read that book too..... Sheena McDonald was knocked down by a police car........if you google sheena McDonald who am I now think it is.... wow £48 never heard of them charging, I saw a phycologist though rehab..... take care Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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