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Partner of SAH. My story! Gray's Lyn


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Hi Everyone, it's good to meet you all.

My name is Lyn. I live with my partner Gray. In June 2007 Gray had a SAH. I did not know him at this time. We met at the end of August in the same year when I moved into a flat opposit him. You can guess the rest! He was bright and cheerful, funny and recovering well. We enjoyed doing the same things, riding our bikes, looking and being around boats, walking. He was a bit forgetful, and had the odd vacant siezure where he would forget where he was or what he was doing and had headaches as you would expect, as he healed... but we muddled through. I had not known him any other way. I fell hopelessly in love with him!

In August of this year due to the reccession Gray's work dried up and so did the money. The house that he was living in was sold and the plan was that we would live together as partners. CRUNCH TIME! I got cold feet and changed my mind...I did not fall out of love, I just got cold feet... We are together now and no less in love than we were before, if anything moreso, but Gray fell apart. He is now back to where he was shortly after he came out of hospital. It was all too much. He has headaches which I worry about, he is forgetful and I feel like I am nagging if I remind him about things, he is back at work now but earning a lot less money and says he feels like he has stepped back in time 20 years! Sometimes he pushes me away because he says his brain "fritzes out" He likens his brain functions to a million train tracks where the train keeps getting lost and the tracks keep being closed. We are waiting for counselling, but it seems like we have been waiting forever...

Reading back over this posting, it sounds selfish and very me me me... I don't want it to be like that.. I want to know how to support my man and help him recover. Any advice would be so welcome.

Thanks for listening

Edited by Tina
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Hi Lyn and Gray :-D A very warm welcome to you both. It is such a very hard time for all involved. Turns your whole life upside down and your emotions haywire.

I am glad you are both on a waiting list for counselling.....i know it is a long wait....dont know if you were given this option, but i put my name down for last minute cancellations. Also keep on the case...chase it up.

You will find lots of support and information on here, BTG has been a God send to me . I wish you both all the best and look forward to hearing more from you.

Take care

Love Tina xx

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Hello Lyn and Gray,

Thank you for sharing you story as Tina says councelling may help, i have seen a neurophsycologist and she was lovely i felt safe and i felt like she was actually listening:-D i hope you get your appointment soon.

Reading how Grays brain train track works it sounds just like mine especially when i start a conversation or ask a question i cannot find the words to carry on or i even ask then what i had asked in the first place :roll:

Can i ask about the absences i have started having those quite a few at nightime is he on any tablets and how long do they last?

Please keep posting we are all here to help and support you both, take care and sending love and hugs

Love luck and laughter

Michelle c xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Hi Michelle,

Thanks for the welcome... the vacant siezures are momentary, they just last seconds, but you know he not here! He isn't on any tablets for that but he is on tabs for high blood pressure...

We went to the boat show in Southampton last year, had a wonderful day, then on the way home at the train station, he had not a clue why he was there! He just grabs my hand and I know there's something wrong..... I just reassure him and explain!

Love Lyn

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Hi Lyn and Gray

Welcome hope you find the site helpful. Gray's headaches may also be increasing due to all the stress of the past few months. It must have been hard losing his job and his home and as you say having to take a lower paying position must be really hard. I get the momentary brain freezes generally when I'm tired or stressed out. Really hope you get the counselling you both need soon. Lyn the post didn't come across as you think you sound like a very concerned and loving partner. Look forward to hearing more from you.

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Hi,Lyn and Gray, I too am a carer and correcting and reminding,i was told is part of our job, it was explained to me in this way, Merrill mind is like an untidy cupboard at the moment and when she gets things wrong you point out that this is not right and correct it and slowly things will start to tidy up, and if you ever find some of this frustating you would'nt be the first, i too did'nt think you sounded selfish, you are aloud to consider your self sometimes,you sound like a very supportive partner already, Good luck to you both Rod

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Thank you all very much for your warm welcomes. I have read each post out to Gray (he can't really cope with reading lots and lots!) and we both hope that we may learn alot and find support in this site.

We are on the cancellation list at the wessex neuro unit for counselling, Gray says his train tracks need to be re opened! I liked the one about the ball of string and the counsellor finds the end and unwinds it for you... We'll see.

Sometimes I just want to hold him in my arms and make it all go away, I wish it all would go away.

Gray is not very good at adaptation and finds it hard to accept that he is not the person that he once was. He gets angry that he can't do some of the stuff that he could before. He gets frustrated. I need to let him know that it's ok and there's other ways. He still gets angry though...

I'm sorry if I'm going on a bit. This is really helping me actually, getting it all written down and out of my system. Cathartic I would say....

Cheers one and all.

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Hi Lyn and Gray,

Welcome to BTG. You must feel free to come in and chat/moan/celebrate away here - it's what we do!

I think we can all relate to Gray's "brain fritzes". When it happens to me I know that I will manage to find the right track eventually, given enough time but, - Gordon Bennet! - how annoying is that?

Yesterday I endured the indignity of the woman in the chemists gawping at me like I was the village idiot on drugs as I tried to mentally re-shuffle my plans in order to pay for and collect my prescription. Then I thought to myself "I'd rather be here as a partner, a mum, and your village idiot, than not be here at all", and that made me smile.

Of course I'm not back at work yet so my frustration at not being able to function in the way that I used to is somewhat masked at the moment, but I can certainly emphasise with his and your frustration.

Wishing you both all the best,


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Welcome to BTG Lyn! :-D

I agree with Janet's comments and that stress certainly doesn't help anybody who's had a brain injury and seems to exacerbate any existing problems, with memory, speech etc.

There's no selfishness in your post at all Lyn ..... the SAH affects our partners and family, that's something that we're all very aware of here and it's good that partners feel as though they can participate on these message boards and talk freely, nobody here will judge you. The more information that we can gather on this website, the more likely it is, that this will help somebody in a smiliar situation to realise that they aren't alone with what they're feeling.

Really hope that the counselling comes through for you and to be honest, I think that it is something that should automatically be offered after a SAH. xx

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Welcome to BTG Lyn :)

Can't think of anything new to add, doh! my mind has gone blank, I understand the frustration and anger of not being able to do the things you once could, but I have had counselling and it definitely has helped. I do still get annoyed and upset at times but mostly I just laugh :)

I compare my mind now to an old computer which has a processor that takes time to process information and sometimes crashes!

I think being a partner of somebody who has had an SAH is just as hard, sounds like you are doing really well and are a loving and caring partner

Vivien x

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Hiya Lyn & Gray and warm welcome to the site....

Yes I'm a LOT worse when I'm stressed & its not easy to avoid it is it.....you have to find a balance at times.....

Gosh I hated the frustration of not being who I was and not being able to do what I used to.....but once I accepted that I couldnt change that then I had to make the most of what I could do, I developed great determination that I'd never had before so that was a plus....:roll: dont look on the negitives think of the postives......

take care

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Once again Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice.... we are not alone me and Gray.. (short for Graham BTW!)

We had some good news today... I have been talking with the Nurse specialist at the Neuro unit and have told her that we need help NOW, and she has sent us an appointment for December 2nd, Thank goodness for that! Just need to get through the next few weeks now... God it's sooo hard to watch Gray struggle like this. Breaks my heart, god only knows what it's doing to his brain. :confused:

Love to you all

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Yes... Lesley is the nurse dealing with Gray... I have not met her yet, but I have spoken to her loads of times. She seems to be really lovely. I think the most important thing is, she listens. Not just to Gray but to me as well... It was me who got him the first appointment.

When Gray had the SAH he was living with someone else, and from what family and friends have told me he did not get the support, love or help that he needed... Gray had his SAH in June 2007 and I got him his appointment with Lesley in September 2009!

Love to you all x

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So happy that you have an appointment.

You are noway selfish, you are both doing really well it is frustrating not being able to do the things Gray was used to doing, i am slowly learning that if i want to do something even if its something like baking a cake which it used to come naturally before, now i have to plan it and re-read and re-read the recipe and sometimes still miss something out:roll: but i know its the way my brain is working at the moment and as i said to my mum today....my batteries have ran out again!...bless her she thought i meant my hearing aids batteries:lol:.

Thanks Lyn for answering about Grays absences, they are quite scary but you are doing the right thing by reassuring him that he is ok and where he is and whats happened i know i feel calm and safe afterwards.

Take care sending love and hugs

Michelle c xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Lyn, I think that a lot of us in our early recovery months, think that we are going to get back to normal pretty quickly and so are perhaps in denial of recognising that we need help to deal with what has happened to us.

I also feel, that not enough support is offered when we're discharged from hospital and we're left in limbo and flailing about trying to put the pieces back together with our muddled brain and questioning why recovery isn't quite happening as the medics have described.

Mind you, that's why I started this site.....a general lack of information and support and I guessed that I couldn't be the only one feeling as I did.

I had more dealings with Sarah Halcrow, but met Lesley at one of the Support Group Meetings at Southampton, that's where I first met Keith (bogbrush) who helps me run BTG and Scott, who's another member ..... Not sure if you've been to one of their support group meets?


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We have not been to anything yet... I am sure that Gray will go to meetings, he is very open to lots of things so long as it aids his recovery! Lesley is going to go through lots of different support things with us when we go and see her on the 2nd.

He has come home from work tonight very wobbly and unsure of himself, he says he has pain in his head and feels fuzzzy.... I have to say I am scared that he will have another SAH.

I guess we just have to take things as they come

Love to all

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Hi Lyn,

Pain, fuzzy feelings, strange sensations in the head are all par for the course. None of them mean that he's going to have another SAH. It's all part of the brain healing itself.

It's only natural to be scared of it happening again. Every twinge or pain can make you think that, but soon you come to realise that it isn't going to happen.


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hi lyn i cant add much to anything thats been said but is gray overdoing it at work if i remember Keith had some of the same problems if i remember correctly as has many on here please ask him to ease up and see if the headaches ease a little best of luck on the 2 nd my thoughts are with you both

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Am really sorry, I thought i'd welcomed you to BTG:roll:

I went back to work far too early and ended up having to another 8 months off so please make sure you both take care. It is as hard, if not harder, for you as the carer too.

Glad you have got an appt though- well done- I'm still waiting from 2 years ago!

Take care xx

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