Back To Work

[goldfish.girl]

Hi Rhiannon,

It is much too early for you to give up yet. There are other teachers/full time school support staff on BTG who have gone back to full time work and are very successful at it (Tennismithy, Skippy, Teechur etc). Not everyone loses their cognitive skills permanently, it can get better over time and you may well be one of the lucky ones! A 'back seat' post while you recover gives you the breathing space you may need until you go back to being head of your department.

 

There are so many people who do get better & go back to their previous lives, I think they maybe stop posting on here because they GOT BETTER and no longer felt the need for the support offered here and have less time to post because they are back at work full time. When you go back and are better, please post again so the rest of us are assured yet again that it is possible

Michelle xx

[amexdm]

Hello All:

Am up in Northern Michigan with my wife for our anniversary. Just popped on the hotel computer while she is napping.

Alot going on with folks I see.

 

Sandi- I know it's hard for you but like you said in the long run you may wonder what all the worry about. As I get older I try and look at the big picture and future and it seems to help. You have tried your best.

 

Macca- Yes our stories sound very similar. I hope you are getting the rest you need. I am plodding on at 36 hours a week and it is definitely a fight.

 

Rhiannon- we haven't met but I think patience will be key for you. It akes time to heal, and much longer than we all thought it would

 

GG- As always, you have the right words. I think you should be a brain injury counselor/Life Coach. I mean that seriously. You should check in to becoming a counselor of some kind. You are caring, empathetic, and express yourself extremely well. And you have experience. It would not be so taxing physically and you would be helping others. Sandi and I will be your first customers. Orange Carp Consultants??

 

the lovely Lulu- I know you are trying so hard, don't give up yet. You are strong and have been thru so much. You can get thru this too. Are my cheering up skills that bad?

 

As for me, I made it thru my 36 hours this week. Thursday was rough. I got dizzy and heavy legs again. Went home and BP was 160/115 pulse 112. But I laid down, took some pain medication and rested. I find the ironic thing is just when I get to my breaking point of fatigue, when I feel like I can't go on, can't do it, wanna quit, about 4pm I go home, have dinner and lay down and I'm somewhat OK again.

 

What this tells me is I may have just enough gas in the tank to get thru the work day, come home have dinner and then rest. But if thats what i have to do for now, so be it until I get better. My job and future with the company are too good right now to give up.

I have 4 days off and I am going to rest, rest, rest. Sorry if I missed anyone.

Hope everyone is well,

Get well,

David

[anneec]

Happy Sunday to everyone.

Thank you Michelle (GG), SarahLou and Sandi for your kind words. Glad if my thoughts helped a bit.

There was never any chance of me returning to Optometry so in a way I was lucky, I knew I had to try and find something else. As someone said it was very hard at first as being an Optometrist was who I was. I still am one in my head.

 

When I got home after my 3 weeks in Hosp post NASAH, and 5 weeks at my sisters ( I live on my own so couldn't come straight home) it was only then I truly found out what cognitive problems I have been left with. I think most are still with me but I have found ways to cope, or work around them. I eventually started applying for allsorts of part-time jobs, after a little while I realised that even if I had had an interview or was to be considered I would not be able to do or cope with what would be expected of me. Then the job I have popped up! and I was chosen over others which did my self-esteem a great deal of good.

 

I look at this site every day I am not sure why 5 years on, but it helps to read all the goings on. I have a golf friend who had the same as me 3 years later and she has tried to put what happened out of her head, wouldn't even look at this site, she is older and retired and married so maybe her life has been less affected which helps but I feel this has been a life-changing event and is part of the new me. It has made me reassess things and re-evaluate everything, see life from a different view.

 

I hope you are all feeling positive today and we must all try to look forward to bigger and better things. Never know whats around the corner and I'm the eternal optimist which helps!

I'm off to work now to control those golfers. Love Anne x

[mshawx_head]

Hi there All,

I return to this thread time and time again. Work is so much part of our lives and I never stop wondering why it seems that so many of us posting here have been such driven people, and clearly have been defined by what we do for a living.

 

People's ability to cope and somehow rationalise what the SAH has done to them and the impact on their work is amazing. Its not easy is it, this coming to terms with not being as you were before ? Its no wonder that there is actually so much expression of grief, because there is a bit of us which has "died" because of the SAH.

 

Like many here, I seem to oscilate between feeling positive and chirpy because I really have recovered so well, and feeling down because there are things I very well know I can't deal with now (but which I think a lot of people still don't realise when they look at me) and the fact that I know I will never perform to quite the same level that I did before, doesn't stop me feeling grief and frustration about that. Just accepting that change is so very, very hard.

 

Even with some therapy, I know that I am still not there yet, but I know with the support of BTG, I will come to that point. I guess it takes time for us to come to terms with the changes.

Take care,

Mags

[Macca]

Mags,

You are so right. It is a form of grief. I had been back at work for over twelve months but the fatigue caught up with me along with the depression that goes with not being able to perform as I once did. It is hard to accept. I am going back to work on Monday 28th May '12. Do you know what? I'm frightened, yet I daren't show it. People will talk to me and, as they have been doing, think there's nothing wrong with me because there are no visible signs. The sympathetic ear of colleagues will be there, tinged with their visible but unsaid, disbelief.

 

The work will wipe me out to the point of exhaustion and the same pattern will happen, get up go to work, work, come home, have dinner, bed. Dreading it now. I am growth hormone deficient and can't have my second set of tests until the end of July before they can treat me for it. In the meantime, I just have to suffer the fatigue and thumper headaches, occasional balance problems etc etc. British stiff upper lip and all that! What a load of rubbish that is!!

 

Ok enough ranting - It's a lovely sunny day here and I'm going outside to enjoy my fatigue outside!!

Have a great day and roll on retirement!!

Macca

[Carl]

I guess in many ways, work defines us.

I went back to work the first time one month after my SAH. Although my job title is Meter Reader, I hadnt done that for well over a year before the bleed. The job had somehow evolved to running a GPS and mapping out properties. There were some internal office politics involved, I was working partly for a technician and partly for my immediate supervisor. Not really getting any direction from anyone.

 

The first time I went back to work I approached a job site with all my tools, got out of the car and froze. I couldnt perform the simple tasks I used to do. Zero motivation. I ended up driving away and doing something else. With no one really supervising it was easy. I tried again on day 2. I seemed to muddle through then by the end of the day I was so fatigued I fell asleep in a coffee shop while having coffee with my wife.

 

I ended up off for another month. Being eager to get back to work I convinced my doctor I was ready. I returned again and muddled through. There was another aspect of the job that had started, I was also scanning documents in the office, That was an extremely monotonous job. by the time I completed this I had scanned eight or nine thousand documents. Each one was scanned then opened and renamed to some of the data on the forms.

 

I could handle the scanning for about two hours of my day then I would sneak out in the company vehicle for a cup of coffee with coworkers and start my rounds of mapping. Sometimes those coffees took longer than the 15 minutes allowed. This was more than frowned upon by my employer and I ended up with a major disciplinary procedure, including time off work without pay and no longer being allowed to work independently. This happened last Oct and I still work under the same conditions.

 

Tomorrow should prove interesting since the person I have been working with every day for the past 6 months will not be in to work. No idea what they will do with me but I know they wont let me work alone. I miss the fact I no longer read water meters, something I have done for 20 years, I miss my independence, I miss the fact they don't trust me. Yet still each day I get up, put on my happy face and toddle off to work.

 

I am thankful I am still alive, thankful I have a job, thankful I have friends, although I don't get to interact with some of my work chums, I am thankful I am close to retirement.

I know at this time my job defines me, and with the job being in a state of flux I am too. I look forward to being retired, people will ask me what I do and I can reply "I am retired" rather than trying to explain my current work situation. I am sure people really don't want to hear all the long drawn out story but it is who I am.

 

We are all survivors and I am sure one of the things that sets us apart from those who didn't survive is our ability to adapt, our drive and our resilience.

Be proud, be loud and dont get bogged down with a shroud. Enough ramblings,,,, I need a coffee.

[Sandi K]

There is something surreal about seeing your job posted when you haven't quit or been fired.

My job is now posted.

I totally agree that work defines us. So who am I now? Someone with a job who isn't working and doesn't own a position. Lots of unanswered questions and uncertainty. The feelings of failure still lurk. Shame for not being strong enough to overcome this brain injury that has left me looking fine. Only those closest to me know I'm different.

This definitely was not the life plan.

Sandi K.

[ryanphillip]

Sandi - somewhat i can relate to your post...a couple of weeks ago my boss told me that i'm going to get a new assistant, i told him i already have an assistant. "Ryan with all the projects you're doing, you're gonna need an extra pair of hands". I was a bit angry and frustrated and told him i don't need 2 assistants. That i am still capable of taking big projects.

 

Ego, i think not...pride yes. Am i worried that i'm losing my midas touch? No, however the people at work treats me like a fragile glass since my SAH. They do not understand. I came back to my job post a week after my hospitalization, I fought to be strong, refused to be defeated and keep pressing on to continue doing what i do best, living.

 

Your feelings, i have carefully thought out and sorted these things in my head so many times. The unanswered questions and uncertainty lingers. Are they preparing my assistant to take over my job? is that why i'm getting another assitant? What's gonna happen to me? What am i going to do? All these questions...

sending you my love,

Ryan

[Macca]

Sandi,

I read this and struggled to believe it was you. This is not the positive person I know. Are you run down? Are these inconsiderate sops getting to you? Or maybe we underestimate them. Have they suddenly realised you were overloaded and they may have contributed to your illness? Have they realised you need help to function properly? Maybe with two of you at the helm, the job will be done better and more efficiently and result in increased productivity?

 

Sandi, don't let these guys get you down - we need you at your ebullient best. Tomorrow is another day - get some rest. Tomorrow, these guys may still look evil, but they will be smaller somehow because you will be in a better place to deal with them.

 

Perhaps if there are unanswered questions, you need to ask them even though you know you might not like the answers - but at least you will know where you stand. It's the not knowing that's damaging you at the moment. Wait though until you are in a calm and rational mood where you are as cold and calculating as they are - if you shoot your lips, you will make mistakes and say something you regret later. Be decisive Sandi, but do it when you are up for it, not before!

 

Sandi, you are a hero - sorry heroine - be sure of yourself, you are a great person, worthy of great respect and its time they knew that as well as you do!! Give 'em hell if you need to, heaven knows that may make you feel better in itself but above all, maintain your dignity and self respect

Here's wishing you the best Sandi, have a nice glass of wine or two tonight, put those losers out of your head for the night and boogie - did I just say boogie - how old am I?

 

Ryan, thanks for your support for Sandi also - perhaps you need to ask questions too - to remove the doubts!!

Macca

[Macca]

I just read that phrase again - maybe we should chew it up and spit it out and say we should define the work that we do. Does that make sense? Do we need to do more to regain control and think things through from the opposite perspective?

 

Sorry if you think I'm rambling but it didn't sit well with me that we were letting an external force ie work, define who we are and what we are about. I'm not saying I'm right by any means, but it's worth thinking about.------------------isn't it?

Over to you guys.

Macca

[rprice38]

There is so much we can all relate to in this thread. Our work plays such a big part in our lives and sometimes we forget what work is - a way to earn money to enjoy our lives. During my 6 months off, I learned to appreciate the simple things, spent more time with my kids and stopped rushing round like a mad person trying to do to much!

 

I admit, seeing my job advertised hurt at first but I'm getting over it and moving on to a new chapter in my life book. It's not what I had planned but it will be as rewarding because I am still living my life and I am determined to live it to the full.

So Macca, I think you are bang on with your last post.

 

Sandi - don't be down. If this hadn't happened to you, you wouldn't have been such as inspiration to so many people on this forum. You have to grieve for the life you had planned but just think of all the new adventures you have got ahead of you.

Keep fighting everyone

Rhiannon xx

[goldfish.girl]

Hmmmm......reading the posts added today is so tricky for me.....

I went back to my job for 2 years after the SAH and similar to Ryans' current experience, someone was taken in to 'help' me for a short while.

 

After that, over the 2 years more work was taken off me with the explanation that I was too busy, someone else is not so busy between shouts (i was working with firemen) I was the only trained administrator in the building and they were doing my job better than me & with less errors!! I now understand that no-one wanted to hurt my feelings or destroy my confidence by saying outright that I was no longer able to do my job well......I'm grateful for that and it gave me the time to start to realise it for myself (just as heartbreaking but less publicly humiliating I suppose).

 

I think it is very important to remember, Sandi, that there is no shame in your situation. None of us asked for this to happen to us, we cannot repair damaged areas of our brain just by wishful thinking and stubborn determination to get well. I'm sure that, like me, if I could turn back time (song for you there Win) or take medication or have surgery to undo the damage, most of us would take that chance and have our previous lives back.

 

When I had to leave work I also went through trying to work out who am I now, what defines me, what am I now I'm not the administrator.....it is hard and I still don't have the answer - I feel like a floater now with no grounding to define me. BUT I will find something that does eventually (I hope). I am my sons mum, I have been his full-time carer for over a year since his own brain op but I hope he will grow up & become independent, albeit with the support he will need.....then what, who am I, what do I do?

 

There are no easy answers but equally there is no place for self blame. If I find an answer I'll post it right here!!!

Michelle xx

[Sandi K]

Seeing my job posted really threw me today. Lots of tears. It's all part of acceptance and making changes and understanding I can't do what I once did. Sometimes I think I'm doing well with the whole process and then I'm shocked by how I react to something. This change in my life is definitely a struggle.

I feel a bit better now. I spoke with Occupational Health and although I won't have that job anymore I will have a job. I did know that but needed reassurance.

 

Michelle, you are right, there should be no self blame. Easier said... !

 

Ok, back to the positive. Because I just can't bear to be down for long. Rehab for 2 hours today!! This is focused on getting me back to work in some capacity. She came to my house which is nice. I'm not all exhausted from driving to her office. She played CD's where there was background radio news and an announcer saying various letters and numbers. I had to listen for specific letters and numbers and filter out the other noise. This as you all can imagine is very hard! I did ok on the slow ones, not as well on the fast ones and my head hurt.

 

We talked a lot about expectations and self awareness. Interestingly it seems I'm not very realistic in my perception of my capabilities. I would agree with that. 3 months ago I would have argued it. Now I know it's true. I volunteer for stuff I'm not ready for and take on way too much and I don't ask for help. So she left me some excersices on self awareness. Also some brain puzzles, taking your pen through the maze and stuff like that.

 

I'm to do these brain games 1 hour a day, my physical exercises 30 mins, and work in flower beds 1.5 hours a day. She comes back June 6 and we reasses.

I feel a lot better. There is a plan. A plan with activity. Things are looking up.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Where on earth would we be without each other.

Sandi K. Xoxoox

[MaryB]

goldfish.girl said:

Hmmmm......reading the posts added today is so tricky for me.....

I went back to my job for 2 years after the SAH and similar to Ryans' current experience, someone was taken in to 'help' me for a short while. After that, over the 2 years more work was taken off me with the explanation that I was too busy, someone else is not so busy between shouts (i was working with firemen) I was the only trained administrator in the building and they were doing my job better than me & with less errors!!

 

I now understand that no-one wanted to hurt my feelings or destroy my confidence by saying outright that I was no longer able to do my job well......I'm grateful for that and it gave me the time to start to realise it for myself (just as heartbreaking but less publicly humiliating I suppose).

 

I think it is very important to remember, Sandi, that there is no shame in your situation. None of us asked for this to happen to us, we cannot repair damaged areas of our brain just by wishful thinking and stubborn determination to get well. I'm sure that, like me, if I could turn back time (song for you there Win) or take medication or have surgery to undo the damage, most of us would take that chance and have our previous lives back.

 

When I had to leave work I also went through trying to work out who am I now, what defines me, what am I now I'm not the administrator.....it is hard and I still don't have the answer - I feel like a floater now with no grounding to define me. BUT I will find something that does eventually (I hope). I am my sons mum, I have been his full-time carer for over a year since his own brain op but I hope he will grow up & become independent, albeit with the support he will need.....then what, who am I, what do I do?

 

There are no easy answers but equally there is no place for self blame. If I find an answer I'll post it right here!!!

Michelle xx

Well said Michelle,

Sandi, That sounds like it will really be beneficial to your recovery. I hope it all goes well and you find a nice soft place to land where you can get back to a new normal. However the background noise thing sounds dreadful!!!

maryb

[Sandi K]

I just want to say thank you again to everyone.

Today was a roller coaster day. Started out laughing in the green room but quickly moved to anxiety and tears when I saw my job posted. All through the 2 hour rehab session my eyes were teary. My rehab therapist is very understanding!

 

Then I read your posts and calmed down a bit, spoke with Occ Health and calmed some more. Worked in my flower beds with my husband and threw the ball for my dog and felt pretty good. Went to yoga and thought about how things happen fr a reason and everything has a purpose during meditation- felt great! Drove through McDonald's for ice cream on the way home. Roller coaster day.

 

The rehab therapist told me that of all her clients, those recovering from brain injuries have the toughest job.

Sandi K.

[Macca]

Sandi,

Glad you've perked up a bit - that's more like you!! However, you said you are not being realistic and your perception of your capabilities is in question. Your perception of our capabilities is spot on and your ability to see us close up from so far away is really remarkable.

 

Once you take the emotional baggage away - and I know that's hard when you are so closely involved in your own situations - perhaps an external view of your situation is needed to get an accurate reflection.

Perhaps some 360 degree feedeback from your husband or best friend would be good for you. I feel so sad that I don't understand your problem well enough to give a concrete opinion but your advice to us is always good, sound, rational stuff.

 

Maybe you are looking too hard - why look for the wood when the tree may be right under your nose. just take a small step back and re-evaluate, but do it when you are calm!!

 

Three cheers for Sandi - hip hip - hooray - hip hip- hooray hip hip - hooray!!

Get your boxing gloves on Sandi and come out fighting!! Atta girl!!

Best wishes

Macca

[Sandi K]

Hi Macca, it's hard to be objective with one's self. Even as a manager at work I was very quick to send people home if they were sick. But I would drag myself in after an SAH when I was having horrible headaches and couldn't comprehend conversations only weeks after the event. I've never been objective with myself and always pushed hard.

That's why I was so successful (prior to SAH). I get that.

 

But I think I need to step back and reassess now in order to be successful again. Success may need to mean something different. Instead of 'upwardly mobile' and big pay paycheques it might be more about reward and accomplishment, good health and balance with family life. Oh my, who is this typing this?!

The life plan has to change to fit my new head. I don't think I'm being pushed into believing anything that isn't true. Peter has been saying for months that I was doing too much and working too many hours.

 

I just had the blinders on and insisted I could do it. I still have a lot to offer and I will get back to work in some form with my employer. It will just be something that is more reasonable for my health. That can only benefit my employer because I'll be far more productive and more reliable and people won't have to worry about me keeling over!

 

I need rest first for my brain and fatigue. I need to build my stamina and work with my rehab therapist and neuropsych. It will all be good in the end - just have to try and remember that along the way. There will be more crashes on this journey I'm sure. So grateful for the support here.

Sandi K.

[goldfish.girl]

So happy to read your post today Sandi.

Yesterday was an exhausting emotional roller coaster for you with some awful things to face - BUT, you are back, you are being positive and I love seeing it!!

 

I know the work issue has been really hard for you but what a difference a day makes . You know you still have a lot to offer your employer just in a different, less demanding role than before and probably one which will make you far happier and rewarded than the previous one.

Great to see you start to bounce back

Michelle xx

[Gill C]

I agree whole heartedly with GG, these are the things we could see when you were pushing so hard, we recognised them because we have been there too. We could tell you this a milion times over but this journey is really one of self discovery so you had to go through it too.

 

Its really only when we come to see it for ourselves that we begin to accept & adapt to our new life, if wont be worse or better than the old one just different.

HUge hugs Sandi xxx

[Winb143]

When I came on here Sandi ..you were a help to me and made me laugh ..and I realised there is life after SAH...We all need money...

I need new clotthes to fit my new frame size ..lol..or I could wear sacks .........hmmmmmm.....

Try and keep happy no matter what Sandi....all will be well soon......if not I can always lend you a sack....just kidding xx

Be Well xx and look after YOU !!...Numero Uno xx

Luv ya Pal

Love

WinB143 xx xx xx xx

[Macca]

Sandi,

that's much more you - you've already started to think about the bigger picture - whilst paycheques are important, the rewards in life aren't all wrapped up in them, there are, as you point out, other important aspects too. Thanks for all the support you have given me and the others Sandi - just don't forget to look after yourself. You are important too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Macca

[Macca]

Hi everyone,

Well I did it - I went back to work today after 5 weeks. I did 6 hours and I'm shattered now. My head is thumping and I expect it'll be an early night. I feel like I climbed a fence and stood right in a cowpat. Tough day. sometimes people just don't make allowances do they?

Hope everyone is ok

Macca

[Winb143]

Well Done Macca...apart from head hurting, are you proud at how far you've come on ? Say YES !! x

You should be proud xx

Well Done

Love

WinB143 xx

[cathmat]

well done Macca i hope u feel good about yourself even if u feel bad if you know what i mean , you should be proud of yourself x

[Sandi K]

6 hours! Nothing like marching right back in there!

Are you gradually back in or is this 6 hours everyday until you finally get your next set of tests? Can't believe you are having to go through this and I can understand if you are feeling any bitterness at all. You are certainly taking the high road on this Macca and I admire you for it.

 

Chin up, making the best of a not-so-good situation. Hopefully these weeks leading to your next set of tests will fly by and your legs won't be pulled too far down into that treacle! We are here alongside you anytime you need to vent.

Sandi K. Xoxoox