Feeling a little bit sad

[goldfish.girl]

Although I am OK with the 'new' me, I can't help feeling a little bit sad tonight.

Tonight saw the start of the Scottish Week events in town - there was a parade of school children in fancy dress at 6pm (not so fussed at missing that ) followed by a free entry event in the park including several bands, one of which is a blues band who I think are fantastic. The thought of all the crowds & the noise stop me from going along. Before SAH I would've been right up there at the front, loving it I would've danced my pants off & then carried on in one of the pubs. I can faintly hear the music from my house, along with 'my' wood pigeon who appears to be coo-ing in time to the music - now that has made me smile!

Last Saturday was the annual fair at my sons school and although I bought a ticket in advance, again the thought of the crowds had me crying off at the last minute....I know I am missing lots of activities that would be fun & cheer me up & sometimes think I need a good kick up the ****. Last Sunday I heard all the funny things that happened at the school fair and know I missed out, tomorrow will be the same - it will be a fantastic night. Why can't I join in any more even when I know that I will end up wishing I had......

I also missed out on a Hen Do today as there were 20+ ladies going - I know that amount of people & all the conversations is way beyond what I can deal with but again, I'm looking at the pics being posted on facebook & know I have missed out on so much fun.....

Acceptance is a good thing. I know what my limits are but I'm really not sure my heart will ever embrace the rules applied by my new head

[SarahLou]

Hey Ms Goldfish Girlie,

Honey, I'm sending you a big hug.

It's ok to feel a bit sad.

I do understand how you feel. Most of the time I'm ok with the 'new' me but sometimes I'm not, I still want to rant and rave, kick and scream, have a paddy.

I know how you feel about the gig. Could you not have gone but stood a bit further back,away from the main crowds?

That type of fun is in your bones and it's in your soul Michelle. Adjust and adapt, find the ways to still enjoy the things you once did. Ok, so it may be a bit different, not down the front of the crowds, singing and dancing. Your'll still get the buzz, your'll fill your body and soul with the atsmophere of it all.

A little while ago someone said to me 'don't ever not do anything that you would have done pre sah'. Those words still echo in my ear. They were very wise words.

I was recently invited to an open air gig. Something I too woulda loved. I said yes I'd go. I know it would be a struggle and that I'll feel rough for a few days but I wanna live, I want to make memories.

Then I sat and thought about it. The timing is so bad, I've a full busy week at work, surgery clinics and full other clinics on top, I know I'll be under staffed, the day before the gig ive a check up with neuro surgeon and the day after I have a neuro support group, they're important to me and I don't want to miss this one. I know it will be too much so this time the gig is a no go.It's like when I went to see Dirty Dancing, I was nervous of how I'd cope, I had a few safe guards in place, and it was fantastic, totally loved it. Struggled for a few days after, but I knew I would.

My mate and I will sort out going to another gig, plan it so I have nothing in the days around it. I too will dance around and sing, even if it will be from a bit of a distance away!

You have been through so much Michelle, you've come through some tough tough journeys. Try and grab back those things that you enjoyed. Try them. See how things go. The school fair memories with Dylan, your'll never get those chances back.

Sorry if that sounds hard, I don't mean to upset you or anything, but please, don't right off doing those thing you love. They are a part of you.

Make your memories Michelle, for you, and all those around you.

Take care,

Loopy Xx

[jess]

Michelle I want you to go to the next thing you want to go too.

I still feel like that 10 years on but I just don't let it beat me you can't if I did my kids would be miserable you know what the queues are like at theme parks but you have to face up to it and sooner rather than later cause the longer you leave it the worse you will feel and you will have missed so much so go to the next event even if it means leaving early at least you will have been involved.

I know how you feel I really do first I hear my heart beat in my ears then I start to feel dizzy my head and neck start to hurt but I carry on I fight through it because if you don't the sah will have won and because we are not victims we are survivors. Jess.xxx

[Carl]

I am not sure if that feeling hits everyone but it has hit me on more than one occasion. The last party I went to was at a smaller house and there must have been 40 people there. It was very loud, karaoke, even though I couldnt carry a tune in a bucket with two handles.

I lasted for the first hour or so, Then I excused myself and went for a quiet drive..... no I wasnt drinking at the party. I came back later on and finished the evening off.

The party was for St Pattys day and I went in costume as Patty O Furniture. Since I was sober I drove many of the people home.

It was a little out of character for me to even be at the party. I was the oldest person there, probably 20 years senior to the crowd.

I enjoyed it, I REALLY enjoyed the break in the middle, and being sober I enjoyed other peoples foolishness.

There is another costume party tonight, I was invited but I wont be going. I am not sad but just not quite in the mood.

Enjoy what you can, when you can. set your own pace and if things are a little too much, step out for some fresh air.

Oh I think next time I do go back to the party I will take earplugs. Enjoy it on my terms

[Sandi K]

Aw Michelle, It's sad to see you sad.

Hugs.

It's an awful feeling to be left out. To know that everyone is having fun and you aren't and it can feel lonely. Once you have your driving license back (hopefully not too long now) you will have more freedom again. Would it be easier to attend these events if you were driving? Then you could escape when you've had enough.

Sandi K. Xoxoox

[amexdm]

Hi GG,

I know exactly how you feel. I have begged off many things lately. Last week was the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. 15,000 people and loud noise. Nooo. I missed our Memorial Day Church festival because it was 90 degrees. It would have taken too much out of me. Golf is probably my favorite activity. Been playing since I was 10. 37 years. I haven't played yet.

All that being said Michelle, we all know our own limits. I trust you know yours. If you cant do it physically, dont do it. But dont not go because of sadness. As Loopy says, make your own memories. You will, but on your terms. You have made my day many times just with your words, and that didnt take much energy at all right?

I have to pace myself right now to keep my job. That is most important. But if I can get my health back together I will sure as Shanghai be playing golf and doing the things I love. It may just take some time.

You are young. Give yourself a break. There are more memories to make.

Be well,

Big hug from Big Scotsmen!

David

[Winb143]

Michelle,

You are one of the people who made me feel okay with the new me....You made me laugh, cry, and be stupid lol(well I've always been that)

You get out there and show people you are okay...with cottonwall buds to shut out certain peeps....just get out and show the

world the new Michelle....I like her....xx.....Sad is a No No..... Sorry but after head pop you must only have laughter in your

life...you will get there Michelle ...So Cheer up and c'mon lets go and have a coffee xx

Keep happy always xx

Love

WinB143 xx Don't let it get you down...you are my hero..lol xx xx fight it pal xx

[cathmat]

Hi everyone especially GG i know the feeling i lost it this week because i feel my life has come to a standstill while all my friends and families lives are carrying on . i dont seem to have the confidence to do all the things the old me would have done .Its been 7 months for me and im scared to do anything . Not cos im afraid it will happen again but because im frightened i wont cope , any tips for me. I think GG we have to go through the grieving process for what we have lost and its ok to feel sad. i try to explain to my family that im not the same person i as before but they are just happy im alive x

[Scoobs]

Well I think after what we have gone thru we have the right to have off days and yes we are alive I just wish family an friends could understand we are not the same I guess this is where this site helps us we are all here for each other I hope I can say (with hand in heart ) ive got friends even if most of ya try to get first post. I feel guilty after reading How your SAH have left some of you, it's just my short term memory the foul taste in my mouth 24/7 the dizziness when I stand up an bein safe when in the house or walkin ( left iron on for 6 hours an walkin out into the rd when traffic comin ) Let's try keep positive but if u need to scream or cry just do it we will always understand each other an be there for each other

Edited June 17, 2012 by Scoobs

[Winb143]

Well put Scoobs..Hold ears....screaaaam xx j/k

You put it better than I ever could

Well Done

Love

WinB143 xx

[Louise]

Hi Michelle

SO been there on that one, started to miss out on loads but pulled myself out of the downer, I gave myself a time limit 1/2 hour or an hour see how I went,

Yes stand far away as possible, you'll never know till you try, I went to a concert my friend couldnt get anyone to go with her so I said ok she said if you stay an hour I'll be happy or if you have to come away I wont mind, turned out I stayed the whole time never through I would but the crowds did freak me out but I just told myself that I could do this repetatly.....

[DawnS]

Hi Michelle,

it's so hard to be on the outside looking in at all the 'fun' everyone else is having. It is worth trying to push the boundaries a little at a time, while keeping within what you already know for sure is a definite no-no? It might sound a bit daft, but wearing earplugs to a gig should leave you feeling the atmosphere and hearing the music whilst not having your head blown off with the noise. Sarah-lou has some good idead there, still do what you used to enjoy but modify it to suit the new you. That way you get the best of both worlds. It's a bit like doing a 3K Race for life but walking round instead of running. You would have still participated and raised some money while completing the course at your own pace - no shame or embarrasment in that! As I'm still on my first year, I haven't actually attempted something big like a gig. I refused an invite to a wedding last month for the very reason that the biggest crowd I've been involved in so far is about 14 people. Perhaps a wedding is for next year when I've had more practise. I thought I wouldn't be able to go to the cinema because of the noise but again, earplugs saved me. Like everyone else has said, would it be worth giving these things a go but with a time-limit in mind? Tell everyone involved who you trust enough to divulge to how you really feel and state that if you decide to leave early, you would prefer it if no-one really took note of you leaving or tried to talk you into staying which you might do out of some kind of misplaced loyalty or guilt. Your real friends will understand. As has already been mentioned, this of course becomes a million times easier whan your license is sorted out, then it can all be on your own terms.

I hope you feel better soon!

Dawn x

[kpaggett]

Hi everyone especially GG i know the feeling i lost it this week because i feel my life has come to a standstill while all my friends and families lives are carrying on . i dont seem to have the confidence to do all the things the old me would have done .Its been 7 months for me and im scared to do anything . Not cos im afraid it will happen again but because im frightened i wont cope , any tips for me. I think GG we have to go through the grieving process for what we have lost and its ok to feel sad. i try to explain to my family that im not the same person i as before but they are just happy im alive x

Hi all and especially Gold and Cathmat,

I've talked to my neuropsychologist about this very issue and he advises me to just try things as I feel the urge to try and don't what I don't feel compelled to do. And then have an exit plan. I've been really working on this part and it sometimes is so hard for me. I get to a place and feel my stomach start to churn and then because I'm not feeling any emotional thing at the time, I think, 'I can handle it' but then I end up crying and realizing that I should have implemented my exit plan when I first felt the churning. Well, I'm not perfect. But, I don't stop doing the things that I think I want to do...I just need better awareness that - NO! you can't handle it so excuse yourself to a quiet location and calm yourself. I can do that part if I have a chance. Keep vigilant with the stuff you used to like to do and do what draws you this and only this day. Tomorrow may bring another chance when you're more ready.

Take care all!

~Kris or AKA Kri

[Skippy]

Hey Michelle

I can only echo what everyone else has said. I hadmy SAH in Aug 2006, in November 2006 I was at a Pink concert. I was having panic attacks before going due to the crowds and the noise but when I got there I relaxed a little - the anticipation was far worse than the actual event. In the end I had the time of my life and it gave me the encouragement to not let things stop me as much I was letting them due to fear. The anticipation of crowds and loud noises can sometime far outweight the actuality of how you feel when you get there. Take ear plugs and give yourself a time limit (as said) if after that you're still OK then stay a bit longer, if not then go home. The next time give yourself a longer time limit to stay and build up until you can cope.

But remember, you are entitled to have off days - I still have them nearly six years on and that's when I turn into the stubborn mule who digs her heals in and won't be moved. Give it a go next time - you might surprise yourself.

[MaryB]

I agree with Sami, well everyone else. I was thinking I would never be able to go to a rock concert again but this weekend I went to BB kings and heard some blues. We stayed for about an hour or so. I was happy I was not overwhelmed. I do believe the anticipation can be worse in a lot of cases, mind you I had rested twice a day on our trip and it made it ok.

xo Maryb

[goldfish.girl]

Thank you all for the encouragement, support & suggestions. There are so many comments that have made me think and reflect and they are all very much appreciated.

It's not panic that stops me going to these things. It's having tried to many times in the almost 4 years since SAH and knowing that there are situations that I am not able to handle. I don't get panicky (most of the time) I get worked up & feel aggressive when there are too many people, who stand too close & talk too loud. It makes my head hurt!! Occasionally (it seems to be maybe twice a year ) I do manage to go to things & enjoy myself and think 'I'm cured, I'll do this more often'. It's knowing in my heart that the times I can are few and far between now & that makes me sad. But, I had a day of tears & wanting to scream I WANT MY LIFE BACK (I had decided to have a cook-a-thon to keep my mind from dwelling and ended up stirring pots of chilli with tears streaming down my face - this is a good thing because I can now laugh at how ridiculous I would've looked if anyone had seen me ) but it is not going to happen and I have to accept that. I think there will always be occasions when this is too much for me to ignore & pretend I don't care. It happens less often & I 'get over it' (????) quicker than I used to.

I need to make new memories of a different kind of lifestyle, not try to recreate the past ones. One of the comments was about doing what you can do today, there will be other chances tomorrow (I've probably added a few together & put them into my own words - sorry) but all the comments gave me things to consider. Thank you to everyone and thank you to BTG for providing a place where I can let out things that I don't want to admit to people closer to home - I'm supposed to be better & dealing with it by now

Michelle xxx

[MaryB]

Perfect words "A different kind of lifestyle". That is what we make for ourselves.

[Louise]

great Michelle

[Winb143]

You are so bliming sensible...after a good cry xxx We all need an outlet..like a pressure cooker...even that has a valve to

let off steam ...so tears and here/BTG .. is our way of coping....Good Luck Pal xx

Love

WinB143 xx xx