Update on Richard Hickman

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Hi all, another update. Hospital phoned earlier to say Rich needs to go for pre-op tomorrow and then admitting tuesday ready for surgery on wednesday. He will have angiogram followed straight away by coiling. Feel a bit worried as the risks that are associated would affect his right side which when you have a dodgy left side isn't great. He is very scared as has been convinced he will die during this operation. He has even been to library with his carer today and got an audio book called 'A good day to die'.

Will keep you all updated on things.

Zoe xx

[paul99]

*********** heck zoe

they don't stand around do they tell Richard he hasn't got permission to die he has to come through this big time there are a lot of people on here who will be rooting for him me included let me know if you will be at hospital early evenings im willing to pop up and see you both just tell him the next drink is on him when he comes out of hospital and home good luck zoe and Richard will pm my number if you need it take care

[Tina]

Hi Zoe...my thoughts are with you and Richard, we are all rooting for him as Paul has said...... really hope all goes well on Tuesday. Take care, love Tina xx

[winter]

Hi Zoe! Good to hear from you, thanks for the updates. Sounds as if things have been going well for the past month. You're a trooper-glad you've got some help. As for upcoming surgery...we will all be sending good thoughts and prayers your way!!! Hang in there sweetie!

With love,

Carolyn

[kempse]

Hi Zoe,

Just wanted to send you and Rich my best wishes for next week. Please be reassured that he will be in the care of a very dedicated and skilled team on Wednesday. My thoughts will be with you during this time. Take care,

Sarah

[goldfish.girl]

Wishing you and Richard lots of luck for the op. Will be thinking of you both xx

[JayKay]

Thinking of you both and rooting for Rich's op to go swimmingly!! Take care x

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Hi all.

Thought it was time I got my butt into gear and gave you all another update.

I did post another thread but for those who didn't see it Richard op to coil a 2nd aneurism went well. Another one was however found which means he now has two very small ones remaining. We see the surgeon again in 4 weeks so will know more then about these.

Richard has now been at home nearly 3 months and things have been very up and down. get him on a good day and I remember the reasons why I love him and why we had a family together. Get him on a bad day and it takes all my strength not to pack our bags and walk away. Unfortunately, we get more bad days than good.

He is still not accepting what has happened (for those new to this site he Richard had an SAH a year ago and it left him with severe weakness in his left leg, no use in his left arm and severe memory and conentration problems). He spends most of his time in bed. He is truly vile to our 9 year old daughter. She told him last week he shouldn't smoke upstairs and he told her to go to her room and kill herself (luckily she never does as she is told). He asks her to do things for him and if she refuses he grabs her and pulls her about. Luke on the other hand is the best thing since sliced bread and can do no wrong. The other day we fell out about something and he punched me on the arm (not hard) so I punched him back and he then said he was going to break my face when we got in the house. He didn't of course but for a second I wondered whether he would actually try it.

When he first came out of hospital we were told he needed 24 hour supervision. We have recently started leaving him for no more than 10 minutes every now and then on his own (with agreement from necessary professionals) and all has gone well until I came home Monday from fetching Luke from school and Rich was lying on the trampoline at the bottom of the garden as he was certain he could jump on it but obviously couldn't. We are due a review meeting with the OT, carers, social worker, physion, psychologist on 30th March and certain they will say we will have to go back to not leaving him but I truly don't think I can. It is one thing looking after 2 children but I don't feel I can be responsible for an adult who doesn't want to be looked after.

On the plus side, adaptations have been done to the house which has made things a whole lot easier for Richard but this has now led to him just spending most of his time in bed upstairs (we now have a stairlift),

Don't really know what to do anymore - big decisions may have to be made which I don't want to but I cannot sit by and watch him slowly ruin our daughters life. I can already see how she is being affected by his behaviour - this week she was registered as a Young Carer and she will go to regular youth groups with other kids her age so hopefully she may get additional help to support her through this time.

I find out on the 29th whether I have a job due to local authority budget savings - 99% certain I won't and that I will have to re-apply for my job but we'll see.

Anyway, take care all

Zoe

[Lin-lin]

Aw Zoe,

I am truly very very sorry to read that you are experiencing a lot of stress at the moment.

It seems to me that the situation is one which you need to take advice upon from professionals.

I understand you want to fulfil your obligations in caring for your husband; and you have shown tremendous courage with this.

However, you also have an overriding obligation to your children.

You mention that a social worker is involved. I am guessing you mean Richard's social worker?

If I were you, I would share the situation with him/her so you can receive help and put the necessary protection in place.

I accept that Richard has been through more than what most people could bear and if my life had changed as much as his, I know that I would take it out on those close to me.

In acknowledging all this however, your children need to live in an environment which nurtures them positively. If you are struggling in balancing this, there are professionals, i.e. social services who can help.

Consider telephoning the social worker tomorrow and ask him/her how you best manage living arrangements. They are likely to offer solutions. As a minimum, I would imagine they speak to Richard about matters. He may need specific counselling regarding the impact of his behaviour upon his children.

I hope you receive the help you need very soon.

Lynne

[Skippy]

Hi Zoe

I truly truly feel for you and can only agree with everything that Lynne has said.

I understand and appreciate that you love your husband but you love and duty of care to your children has to come before anything.

I think had he been this way without the SAH then you wouldn't have hesitated in leaving, and I know it's difficult, but a brain injury can affect beyond belief and recognition. Without wanting to sound harsh or insensitive - his injury cannot be the reason you stay and put up with this beahviour. I know that you're in a very difficult situation and I totally agree with Lynne - you need to talk to professionals regarding Richard's situation and yours and the childrens.

Good luck and take care

[JayKay]

Oh Zoe I'm so sorry to hear this. I did worry, when you said they were sending him home, that he'd be difficult because you told us some of the things he did. I don't have any advice, because no one can make any decisions for you, but I think Lynne and Skippy are right when they say you need to take advice from the professionals. You must definitely stress that your daughter's wellbeing is at risk.

I'm so so sorry and thinking of you lots. Take care x

[winter]

Dear Zoe,

I am so very sorry to hear of this most difficult position you are still in. I feel for you so. I believe you are a tremendously strong and caring woman, and wouldn't have made it thus far otherwise!

I agree with what Lynne and Sami have already said. While your love for the "old" Richard has held you through up until now, you obviously are thinking of yourself and your dear children as well...and rightfully so. Unfortunately, it appears that Richard is quite unstable emotionally and even dangerous not only to others, but to himself as well.

I do hope you are able to find some help for you and the kids - you're facing some very difficult decisions and need support in helping you through whatever it is you must do.

Sending huge hugs your way, sweetie. Know that we are all here for you - just love and support! If you want a chat, pm me anytime.

With love,

Carolyn

[Karen]

Hi Zoe,

I can only agree with what the other guy's have said already .... Your well being, safety and that of your children is of paramount importance and must come first and yes, it sounds as though you will have to make some big decisions. Thinking of you and sending hugs....xx

[goldfish.girl]

I'm really sad to read your latest update Zoe.

Most of us cannot imagine being affected as horribly as Richard has been and my sadness extends to him aswell. I think all the previous replies say what I would like to say too. It is very hard for you and a situation no-one ever wants to be in but as a 9 year old child, your daughter will never forget what has been said so far and will be damaged even more if it continues.

Perhaps a 'professional' explaining to Richard that this can not continue will get through to him that he is damaging his daughter more than hearing it from family ever will?

I hope things improve for you x

[maggie]

Hi Zoe so sad that your having such problems. So sad for all of you. I hope you can get the help you need very soon. Do follow Lynns advice Zoe. You deserve all the luck in the world. Love and hugs Maggie x

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Thank you all for your advice and kind words.

My first plan is to speak to the professionals at his review meeting and seek their advice. Richard definately needs some sort of counselling. I cannot begin to imagine how he is feeling - he said yesterday that most days he wishes he hadn't survived. When he is in a good mood everything is wonderful. At the weekend I thought Xara needed a treat so told her that her dad wanted to treat her and buy her some new clothes and she was made up at this (of course he hadn;t said that but trying to make her feel loved by him). I know deep down she will always be his little princess - he keeps saying she is 9 and old enough to know better but I keep reminding him she is still just a child. I genuinely believe he wouldn't intentionally hurt any of us but his mind is now more child than adult and I think he sometimes forgets how he is bigger and stronger.

On the whole I do feel if he can get the help he needs to come to terms with this things will improve. Due to the renovations we have had done, Xara is still without a bedroom so we are living on top of each other. Once her room is done (hopefully next week) she gets her own space back and can start having her friends round again and hopefully put a bit of distance between her and Richard.

Thank you again for reading.

Zoe

xx

[JayKay]

Zoe - that's a lovely thing you did for Xara. I can tell you are a great mum! I do hope the professionals can help. I know Richard can't help that he has a brain injury and we all know that can affect mood and personality. It's just sad that Xara has to bear the brunt of it. Keep smiling!!

[maggie]

Awe Zoe your a good mum and a lovely person I wish with all my heart that you get the help you need to improve this situation. x

[Vivien]

So sorry to hear that things are not going so well, I agree with the others, speak to the professionals.

I think you are doing amazingly well, and hope that things improve soon

Vivien x

[Louise]

Hi there

Yep ditto all that the others have said def councelling....

I felt that I was holding Ronnie back & so wished that things hadnt changed with me I hated ME but it did happen it wasnt my fault I was unlucky but I was here, there are others that were far worse than me, so told myself not to wollow in self pity, lie in bed but move my sorry self.....

that came about with councellors help, dosnt mean that I dont have times I still feel the same but mainly its ok and I've learned to manage.....

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Hi all,

Not much to update on in terms of Richards review meeting. They think he may be more depressed than he is being treated for.

Trying to find him things to do but he is very reluctant to try anything. He said he even hates going to Headway.

Anyway, enough about him. I'm going to update on the rest of us this time.

Xara went to her first Young Carers group and really enjoyed it. Looking forward to the next one at the end of April. She had a show yesterday for the stage school she attends - she did a little bit of solo singing and she was fab (ok so she may not be the next Alexandra Burke but she loves performing). Downside for her was that Richard decided last minute he didnt want to go and preferred to stop in pub with mates. On Monday 9th May Xara is also doing a sponsored silence to raise money for Headway Shropshire - already has about £200.

Luke had a hearing test last week which confirmed for us that following the meningicoccal septaceamia he had last summer he has been left wth some permanent hearing loss in his right ear. This does now explain the concentration issues he appears to have at school. They will see him again in 6 months to see how is is getting on and if struggling he may have a hearing aid. Also, following the viral meningitis he had as a baby which left him with a turn in his eye they think the patching isn't making any improvement now so got to go 6 weeks without patches to see if things change with his vision.

As for me, well I found out last week that my job has been classed as at risk. In 3 months time I have to apply for it and if unsuccessful I will be made redundant. On the plus side, I put in a request for flexible working to change to term time only and got it so at least while I have a job I get the school holidays off - one more week to go and then 2 weeks off - yippee.

So all in all, have enough on my mind without having to worry about Rich. I have tried so hard to get him interested in things but it's not happening so have decided that if he wants to miss out on the memories that will be made by our children then thats up to him (we even arranged to take luke to fire station last week and Rich pulled out at the last minute cos he wanted to stay in bed).

Zoe

xx

Edited April 4, 2011 by zoe1zoe1zoe1

[JayKay]

Oh sweetie He's really putting you through hell! I'm so sorry. But I'm glad you are getting on with things. Xara sounds like a little star already, and poor Luke!

Well, take care. You know where we are if you want a chat xx

[zoe1zoe1zoe1]

Well its been yonks since I updated.

Luke has had various checks for his deafness and they don't think he will be affected by it as he has very good hearing in his other ear and only some loss in the one.

Xara managed to raise £400 in the end for Headway - such an amazing little girl.

My job is now officially at risk so I will have to apply for it probably in August - fingers crossed.

Now for Richard. Not much has changed to be honest. He is improving slowly - his walking is coming on a treat. He will walk to the local shop (couple hundred yeards away) with his carers. As of Monday this week he has new carers who are fantastic. He has made much more effort this week as hed was spending most of his days in bed. He is still very depressed - reluctant to do things so needs quite a bit of prompting. A few weeks ago he started swimming which he is doing fantastic with (he swims better than he walks). The council have found us a 'buddy' who meets us there and stays in the water with Rich so I can go in with the kids. I put in a request for some counselling and when we got there it was sex counselling. We have now cancelled this as we are still having issues as a couple. we tend to rub each other up the wrong way and I moan at Rich and he moans at me and we quite often make each other miserable. we chatted at the weekend and I basically said we need to see where we are at come Christmas. We both love each other dearly but it isn't fair on either of us to spend the rest of our lives miserable. We will try hard to make things work up until then so watch this space. Richard has now finally started seeing a psychologist to discuss what has happened to him and it was hard to hear him say that he considers suicide a couple of times a week but doesn't have the nerve to go through with it.

Richard had his last coiling in Feb so he is due another mri in August to see if it is still okay and to see if the remaining two have grown. I feel inclined to think he wont have them treated but we'll see.

Anyway, take care all

Zoe xx

[JayKay]

Hi Zoe! Great to hear from you again. I'm sorry it's so hard though - I know how difficult it is between me and my partner and I don't have the problems Rich does, so I don't know how you cope. Take care and fingers crossed for everything!

[Bill B]

Hi Zoe.

I've not spoken to you before, as I am a recent member.

Reading your posts is a chastening experience.

Richard is understandably depressed and possibly distanced from his emotions.

Anger and irritation sometimes overpower the love that is still there in the background.

I put my family through the same suicide threats and said the same as Richard about wishing I hadn't survived, before I was, eventually, shaken out of it by my friends.( I now see how lucky I was).

I know how angry and powerless you must be feeling.

My wife nearly gave up on me.

But she didn't and I thank whoever is in charge that she didn't.

I don't for one second compare my SAH to Richard's grade 4 and cannot begin to understand the hell you must be going through.

I just wish you all the power and wisdom in the world, to help you with any difficult decisions ahead.

I don't know how to end this, inadequate platitudes seem not enough.

So, good luck....... all of you.

Bill B. x