paul99 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 thank you all elaine i cant miss a day being with lin i do get strength from her its just that sometimes these thoughts get into my head and i cant shake them i dont want to keep seeing her like this i would love a response how ever small that i know she knows im there for her and the worry of what the nurses have said about not downsizing but just to take it out fills me with dread just wish as sharon said i just wish there was a magic pill that would make it all go away there is no one except yourselfs that i can turn to for support and guideness in one way im not looking forwards to going today but i must because i do love her so much and i have to touch her and make my presence felt even if its just for my benifit am i being selfish ? and i dont like leaving her last thing at night i do feel so lonely and lost without her and this house although has happy memories its so empty and cold even though i have pictures everywhere its not my darling and thats what i miss here sorry i cant shake it bye for now going to see her love to you all xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Paul - everything you say is entirely as you would feel given your situation so don't add to your distress by beating yourself up over the thoughts which come into your mind. When it all gets too much I try to hand it all over to something bigger than me and it has worked whenever I've felt desperate - I just think of something out there and ask for them to take it off me for a bit until I'm stronger ... try to take one moment at a time when it all seems too much. I'm thinking of you and we all are so I hope that combined strength will reach out to you to let you know you're not entirely alone - I hope today is a better one for you both. Laurenx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Share Posted November 1, 2008 hi everyone just got back couldnt stay any longer today lin still not with it she slept all day proberly tires from the table yesterday even though she didnt react at all but it was nice to sit with her and fall in love all over again i dont understand it but everytime i see her she sets all my strings and heart fluttering and i go weak at the knees she is so bl**dy beautifull everything about her triggers me always has done and looking at her neck and shoulders makes me go gooosey well thats all for tonight sorry its so short but sleeping beauty she is most certainly love to all lin and paul xxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Hi Paul Sleeping beauty...bless xx Hope tomorrow will be a better day for you and Lin...take care and sleep well. Love Tinaxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Paul fingers crossed you and Lin both have a better day tomorrow. Jess.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tennissmithy Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Paul, It really is a rollercoaster ride, I still find that some days and i'm 2 years on! Heres to a better day tomorrow. Love to you and Lin Laura xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ElaineW Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Well you are certainly her knight in shining armour Paul. Try not to worry too much about the trache coming out. When mum had hers removed there was a difference of opinion - the drs were saying take out but there was one particular nurse who had been looking after her the most who felt it should not come out. The drs had the final say and they took it out. Unfortunately the nurse was correct and mum was not ready, they left her several hours breathing on her own but someone was with her the whole of the time and they decided to put it back in Lin will be monitored very closely if they decide to remove it and if there is a problem help will be there for her but I know the feeling is very daunting. Did you take any photos in to show Lin - were there any signs of recognition there? Hope things pick up for you both. Elaine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mojojojo Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Paul.. are you taking pictures of Lin during her recovery i did with mum and looking back i can see the subtle changes in her each time i took one. I bet she looks beautiful as the day you met her. Take pictures to remind you of the times you have with her in the place where she is. cause when she gets better as i am sure she will .....you can reflect and know how much you love her xx And Lin will see just what happened to her. I show mum the pics and i see her recalling the time she was seriously ill. It helped her understand xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 hi everyone just got back mixed day lin slept most of the day but she came round just after 4pm i put my hand on her chest and she opened her eyes and looked at me directly after her eyes went to the right then came back to me straight in the eye whch lifted me a little my heart goes out to her every time she does that and that is what im missing so much along with her speech which i do miss the dr is back tommorow so i should know whats going to happen i know he wanted it downsized before now but her secreations are still very thick not all of it its the bit at the bottom when they asperate her thats why they didnt downsize because lin would block the inner tube then all hell will be let loose but the nurse thinks they may just remove the traci and see what happens thats what im dreading just in case lin has a problem and senses she cant breath dont want the trauma for lin but tommorow will tell when i see him elaine and sharon i have never thought of taking a camera into hospital although i am tommorow just in case they put lin on the tilting table the phyisos did say i could take a picture of her on the table and i will clear it with the staff so i cant get into trouble and i see were you are coming from it would be nice if not grurelsome for lin when she wakes up lin has never changed since she been in hospital facial yes but lin will kill me when she see's her hair lin was and is very proud of her appearence and was a beautifull brunnette when she went in lin is now totaly grey and her hair is very very short had it cut to the grey line by a critical nurse because it had grown she followed the grey line so it is neat so when they move her to cannock im going to try and get her hair done and coloured so i cant get into trouble i also asked the registrar to put lin back on hrt because of hair growing on her chin lin always kept that secret how she delt with progressing age im being a gentleman here so im using a razor to remove said offending matter this seems to be a side effect of sah hormone imbalance im still trying to pluck up the courage to do her legs same problem but i have been assured that when she gets to cannock they will take care of all the problems i hope so otherwise im in deep do do i dont really know about being a knight in shining armour its just i have never experinced the love i have for my lin ever in my life ever i have taken pictures in but apart from her eyes locking onto them for a couple of minutes she shows no regonition at all thats what is so worrying to me maybe it may come back i dont know it was nice to sit with her and just look at her just looking feeds me it just when the doubts creep in that i dont like i just want her home so i can talk and cuddle her and get her dressed and go for walks over the chase or to the shops and spend some money on her be it in a wheelchair or whatever well i think i have said enough for tonight thank you for all your support and thank you all love from lin and me xxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Hi Paul hope you have a great day with Lin today, and hope you are looking after yourself aswell. Jess.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Hi Paul I also hope you have a better day today.....you are so caring and thoughtful, i am sure Lin will forgive you for the grey hair etc....bless you. Take care Love Tina xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ElaineW Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 Hi Paul and Lin yes I know there are a lot of bad hair days whilst they are in hospital and yes I plucked mum's hairs out of her chin and cut her toenails and fingernails so I know where you are coming from. When LIn is moved I am sure a hairdressser as you say will be able to sort her hair out, I used to take the hot brush into mums which made her feel better. Us women are all the same with our hair!!!!! If I lived near the hospital would come in and shave her legs for her though I am sure if you asked the nurses they would do it. Just out of interest i was reading about comas and the different levels which they can be. I am sure you have looked up info on this but there is a Glasgow coma assessment and I wondered if this would be appropriate for lIn? I have read so much up on the internet since this happened to mum which I am sure we all have. Have you tried with letters if Lin can spell out your name? Thoughts as always are with you both Elaien Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 hi everyone just got back a weird day saw dr he is going to downsize lins trachi this week if possible apparenty lin was put on the tilting table this morning and was on it for about ten minutes with no problems they may do it again on thursday but only maybe lins eyes were open today which was nice and she looked at me for quite a while her left foot was moving quite a bit not sure wether spasm or lin was moving and when she yawned her left forarm moved up to her tummy or part way and im not sure if i felt her squeeze my hand it seemed firm but again im not sure wether it was spasm or not so i will wait untill tommorow and see what happens you see what i mean weird i dont want to get all excited just to fall flat on my face again i have given lin the full monty pedicure a few times and enjoyed it the hair i know will have to wait they havent been able to wash it yet since august there frightened because of the traci which i understand but they will be able to do it at cannock im going to do her legs when i get the courage to do them i dont want to cut her up not yet anyway lol elaine lins glasgow score is 6 and the grade is 5++++ not good but every day is a good one even though i still dont like the roller coaster ride i did try the letter board no joy im afraid no response at all but im buggered if that going to stop me hoping for some improvement [sorry about lanuage ] but thats how it gets me so a wierd day mixed feelings its not my fault lin went grey honest but i still love her so much anyway thats all for tonight love to you all lin and me xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Hi Paul hope you both have a great day today. Jess.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mojojojo Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Keep smiling Paul. We all have bad days your entitled to feel that way god knows how you cope at times, but your admiration shines through sending you a big hug today just for being you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Hi Paul Yes keep smiling....i agree you have been amazing, so strong....hang in there, and hope you have a better day with Lin. A big hug from me to. Take care Love Tinaxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren D Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 Hi Paul I hope you are feeling better today and hope Lin had a better day. Don't give up hope, praying for you. Lauren x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ElaineW Posted November 4, 2008 Share Posted November 4, 2008 You both have that fighting spirit which I know will get you both through this. Who cares about grey hair anyway - half the population would be the same if we didn't take to the hair colour bottle!! Hope tomorrow is a happy one. p.s. thats not bad on the glasgow score Elaine xx. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted November 4, 2008 Author Share Posted November 4, 2008 hi everyone another funny day lin awake for most of it but not very responsive and she was sitting up in bed more phyisos sat her right up and did some nuero excercises which they said went well some resistance felt when they were moving her hands up to her face so another new sign all these signs but no cohesiveness as of yet i did lins pedicure today and found her epilater and did her legs as well and then massaged some lotion into them they were very dry so i pampered her even more i would have done her whole body but i think someone would have said something lol other than that a quite day came home an hour earlier im feeling so tired and shattered so im going to bed early tonight to try and get some sleep cant really get a good nights sleep without lin in bed with me i think you know how i feel anyway goodnight and god bless you all love lin and me xxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mojojojo Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Hi Paul Thinking of you Both Love and hugs Sharon xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jess Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Hi Paul hope you both have a good day today. Jess.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tina Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Hi Paul Hope you had a good nights sleep.....today is another day........hope that you and Lin have a better one.......thinking of you both, Love Tina xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vivien Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Hi Paul You are such a dedicated carer of Lin, I hope things improve for you both Vivien x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Posted November 5, 2008 Share Posted November 5, 2008 Hi Paul Yes, you must make sure that you're keeping your strength up too - can't imagine Lin will be very happy with you if she knows you're not taking care of yourself too Sending you both love and hugs Sami xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paul99 Posted November 5, 2008 Author Share Posted November 5, 2008 hi everyone just got back a tiring day lin not with it today but it was nice to sit with her and talk not sure if she had pyhio today but she looked like she had did her arms today to give me more to do than give her pleasure wanted to do an all over massage but the ward was busy so just sat and talked a hind leg off a donkey and i didnt get a look either so a quite day im off to see the consultant and clinical director tommorow feel as if he couldnt care but with the questions i will put to him depending on his answers as to wether i take it further and insist he be suspended subject to an enquiry by the trust and police thing have happened that shouldnt have i would rather be with lin but this is eating me up inside read notes and have very serious questions over conduct i am trying to look after myself but its difficult when my mind is elsewhere i think you know where not a lot i can say now but i will wish you all a goodnight and god bless lin and me xxxxxxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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