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Bill B

Comeback - Bill

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Hi everyone. I lost it all for a few years. I am back now. 13 years after SAH,.......things are, finally, back on track. Still can't see properly, hear properly or stand on uneven surfaces. Now I have systems to deal with all of this. I applogise to all on here , who I cut off, for no reason other than my retreat into self harm. It takes a long time to recover. It is not a straight line. I like to think I'm nearly there.

 

Glad to see so many people still here, from the time I was last here. 

 

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Hi Bill welcome back :)

 

It's good to hear things are back on track and you now have systems to help you.

We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

Take care

Tina 

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Hi Bill welcome back to btg xxx

 

It is great to hear that your doing so much better xxx

 

Hope to hear more from you xxx

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Welcome back good to hear things have inproved as always onward and forward we go..

 

take care.

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Hi Bill,

I don't know you from old, it sounds like you've had a difficult time of it, glad to see you have made progress with the problems that you've been having.

 

You are right, recovery isn't easy or straight forward.

 

So I'd like to welcome you back to the BTG family and wish you continued progress.

Love

Michelle xx 

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Sorry to hear it has been rough Bill for you xx

 

I hope everything is on the up from now on

 

Remember to take it slow and 1 day at a time  xx so be well and glad you are getting there xxxx 

 

Win xxxx

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Thank you all for the welcome back. I would like to be profound about my absence, but I can't. Anxiety and deppression have humbled me. I know others, my age, who have had similar events. They, too, are shrinking from contact. I think this is quite common.Through meeting  damaged folk in the real world, I see the power of cyber support.

 

This is why I try to re-connect with BTG. Some of us meet every week in a local pub. Cancer,palsy, SAH, bereaved, elderly lonely. It is quite the best crowd I have ever known!

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21 hours ago, Winb143 said:

Sorry to hear it has been rough Bill for you xx

 

I hope everything is on the up from now on

 

Remember to take it slow and 1 day at a time  xx so be well and glad you are getting there xxxx 

 

Win xxxx

 

 

Win! Your optimism is infectious. Bless you!

 

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Hi Bill,

 

Glad to see you have returned to BTG and have managed to overcome some of your difficulties.  I was around when you joined and if my memory serves me correctly, you were at Donna's pub in Nottinghamshire when some of us met up a few years ago?   Sorry I can't remember the name of the pub, where exactly it was or even which year it was!

 

Best wishes to you,

Sarah

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On 29/09/2018 at 12:49, kempse said:

Hi Bill,

 

Glad to see you have returned to BTG and have managed to overcome some of your difficulties.  I was around when you joined and if my memory serves me correctly, you were at Donna's pub in Nottinghamshire when some of us met up a few years ago?   Sorry I can't remember the name of the pub, where exactly it was or even which year it was!

 

Best wishes to you,

Sarah

 

I think it was in Lowdham . I remember. 

 

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All of this journey teaches you to be grateful for every minute. I think that underlying conditions, such as depression and anxiety, should not hamstring the future. I don't come to this lightly. I have thoughts of suicide. No balance, double vision, the inability to cross a road.I just want it to stop.

 

Only my family saves me. In the end, the long, dark tunnel, is lit by the love of your family. For people like me, this all stinks. I was used to being in control. Front man in a band, stand up comic, qualified teacher, ......all round big kxxb. Now, I struggle to put one foot in front of the other.  I am angry, ...that this little thing in my brain, has taken everything from me.

 

Now you all know why I left BTG, and why I came back!¥

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Bill, glad that you've overcome some of the negativity that can surround a SAH and have come back to the fold, as it were x

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Bill, forgive my short term memory, but you came to the Nottingham SAH meet ... at Donna's pub? I know that you left early-ish ... I also think that I can remember how much it took, for you to attend...and I remember your honesty on these forums.

 

Over the years and since you left the forum .... I can see how anxiety and depression affects us post SAH... I've witnessed a lot more honesty and I know that it's hard to say that you're struggling .... I'm still on a learning curve and pretty much have the same fallout as you have.

 

It's a tough ride  ... I still don't have the answers to any of it and it's literally just putting one step forward and seeing what tomorrow brings...

 

I'm sure that you bring comfort to your family, as in still having you around .... Life chucks lemons at us ... in many ways... I'm a couple of years further on from you post SAH .... it is tough when you have a massive fallout, physically and mentally and all depending on what part of your brain has been affected and what's going on in your current life...and what you have to manage.

 

It doesn't matter what you've been in control of previously ... it's a sense of bereavement and I feel that too ... I don't feel anger, but perhaps a sense of frustration when I can't juggle all of those balls that are expected of me ... I can't do what I used to do, but I feel that I'm still here .... trying my best to manage it all and also trying to be the best that I can manage, with my family and children and having this extra time with them.

 

Sending hugs and love to you .... you're not alone. xx

 

 

 

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Hi Bill,

 

I didn't know you back then - my event hadn't happened then,and I didn't know this site even existed.

 

However, what I can see is that you had the strength to carry on, that you were given strength in return by your family to do so.  But also, you gave them strength - a kind of push me, pull you type of strength where you both had a common goal that you came through together - and as a team, you won the match and came through it. Now it's time to win the league and keep on winning, every battle, every day!

 

You say you are not in control, but you are, just not of the same things.  They're not better or worse, just different.  Glad to see you meet others with different problems, but fighting them together you have found a way to overcome them and find solutions. Life isn't easy, but it is life.  I try to look at the other side and try new things that I can do, rather than at what I used to do, but no longer can.  The only reason I look back now is to learn from things, but I try not to dwell on them, rather use them as a stepping stone to new ventures and abilities.

 

This 'little thing in your brain' is like a set of points in your car, just because they sometimes fail doesn't make you a bad car, you just need to re-adjust the points and away you go!

 

Bill, you've come back, make the most of us and stay in touch, when you're happy or when you are sad.  Like someone said 'you fix the roof when it's sunny, not when it's raining!'

 

Welcome back Bill!

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Hi Bill...you are so right about recovery not being a straight line and taking a long time.  We all have the particulars of our SAH but some how we have all come here..for support, understanding, hope and compassion...So welcome back...I hope you stay with us her on BTG..

Jean

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On 01/10/2018 at 18:42, Macca said:

Hi Bill,

 

I didn't know you back then - my event hadn't happened then,and I didn't know this site even existed.

 

However, what I can see is that you had the strength to carry on, that you were given strength in return by your family to do so.  But also, you gave them strength - a kind of push me, pull you type of strength where you both had a common goal that you came through together - and as a team, you won the match and came through it. Now it's time to win the league and keep on winning, every battle, every day!

 

You say you are not in control, but you are, just not of the same things.  They're not better or worse, just different.  Glad to see you meet others with different problems, but fighting them together you have found a way to overcome them and find solutions. Life isn't easy, but it is life.  I try to look at the other side and try new things that I can do, rather than at what I used to do, but no longer can.  The only reason I look back now is to learn from things, but I try not to dwell on them, rather use them as a stepping stone to new ventures and abilities.

 

This 'little thing in your brain' is like a set of points in your car, just because they sometimes fail doesn't make you a bad car, you just need to re-adjust the points and away you go!

 

Bill, you've come back, make the most of us and stay in touch, when you're happy or when you are sad.  Like someone said 'you fix the roof when it's sunny, not when it's raining!'

 

Welcome back Bill!

 

Hi Macca.  You are right in all you say. I think that most of my problems stemmed from denying the changes. Refusing to wear an eyepatch or use a stick. Acceptance of my new reality has changed the way I see things. My former self has gone, much like childhood has gone. So what is left, is all that matters. It took me a long time to fully understand this. There must be others in BTG who have struggled and not been very good at adapting. Thanks for your thoughts Macca. Bill.

 

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On 01/10/2018 at 18:01, Karen said:

Bill, forgive my short term memory, but you came to the Nottingham SAH meet ... at Donna's pub? I know that you left early-ish ... I also think that I can remember how much it took, for you to attend...and I remember your honesty on these forums.

 

Over the years and since you left the forum .... I can see how anxiety and depression affects us post SAH... I've witnessed a lot more honesty and I know that it's hard to say that you're struggling .... I'm still on a learning curve and pretty much have the same fallout as you have.

 

It's a tough ride  ... I still don't have the answers to any of it and it's literally just putting one step forward and seeing what tomorrow brings...

 

I'm sure that you bring comfort to your family, as in still having you around .... Life chucks lemons at us ... in many ways... I'm a couple of years further on from you post SAH .... it is tough when you have a massive fallout, physically and mentally and all depending on what part of your brain has been affected and what's going on in your current life...and what you have to manage.

 

It doesn't matter what you've been in control of previously ... it's a sense of bereavement and I feel that too ... I don't feel anger, but perhaps a sense of frustration when I can't juggle all of those balls that are expected of me ... I can't do what I used to do, but I feel that I'm still here .... trying my best to manage it all and also trying to be the best that I can manage, with my family and children and having this extra time with them.

 

Sending hugs and love to you .... you're not alone

 

 

Thanks Karen. My family have put up with my nonsense for years. I am well aware of my responsibility to them. The real wake up came, when two friends committed suicide in, unrelated ,  succession. I feel guilt, because I was so focused on myself, that I feel I missed the warning signs. The devastation caused to their families was immense. It shook me out of self pity. I now look for the signs in my friends and am not afraid to ask uncomfortable questions. Its good to be back Karen. Thanks for your support over the years. Bill.

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Bill, it's lovely to have you back!

 

You shouldn't feel guilty for the decisions of others ... If somebody is going to commit suicide, they've already made up their own mind and I would doubt that you could have saved them, unless you were there at the actual time. I know of a few people who've done the same and the devastation that it causes. However, you also need to have some self preservation for yourself ... if you're not personally in a good place, then you can't help others, so be kind to yourself first and the rest will follow. 

 

Take care Bill. x

 

 

 

 

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Hi Bill,

 

It’s truly great to see you back here, I too have been ‘missing’ for a while from BTG.

 

I totally get everything you’ve said.

Its over 8 years on for me and I’m still not near to finding acceptance.

 

The things you say about balance issues, double vision, not being able to cross a road... yep, that’s me too.

 

Last Friday was a horrendous day at work for me, I am in constant pain and due to that I was loosing concentration and I made errors, I ranted and raved and wanted to pull the clip from the middle of my brain. I cried so much I thought I’d break.

That cry did me good.

 

I still fight every day, to learn who I am now.

I do still miss who I once was and I’m still on a learning curve but that’s ok, as I know one day I’ll get there. Just not right now.

 

My beautiful daughter is still the one who gives me a reason to fight, she is and always will be, my laughter, my light and my strength.

 

Sending you great big hugs dear Bill.

 

Take Care

 

SarahLou.. Xx

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Hi Sarah Lou. Our kids give us  the backbone to carry on. More than carry on,  to succeed!  I find it difficult to read a lot of the posts on BTG. I tend to tear -up. So much of what folk go through, is just what I go through. This site is a life saver,....literally!

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On 01/10/2018 at 18:58, Swishy said:

Hi Bill...you are so right about recovery not being a straight line and taking a long time.  We all have the particulars of our SAH but some how we have all come here..for support, understanding, hope and compassion...So welcome back...I hope you stay with us her on BTG..

Jean

 

Hi Swishy. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I love this site! Only self harm drove me away. I thought I could do it on my own. ....I couldn't!

 

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Bill,

 

SAH maybe the most difficult thing many of will ever go through.  We...I....you...can't do it alone.  So glad your back.  I am feeling so much better, emotionally and even physically since signing on here.  I even told my Neuro about it, he wrote it down.  There is strength in numbers my mom always told me..I believe it :)

 

Jean

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We are all bashed up, in different ways. No one can navigate this thing alone. I tried, and failed.

 

 Years ago, I was a teacher, at the top of my game. Nothing could phase me. Overnight, all this confidence (arrogence) disappeared.  Anxiety, and depression replaced my norm.

 

It is shocking to see yourself as weak! The point is.....that others, who have had similar expeiriences, can  remove your fears, help you re-build, give you validation in your own struggle.  

 

I am not good at all this stuff, but I know the power of support! 

 

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