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I think my SAH has won


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It's been 2 years since my Sah and I hate to admit that at the moment it's beaten me into submission. I can't find the energy to fight back, my apathy towards anything and everything is relentless, I have little interest in anything. John and I have spent most of the last fortnight arguing(we don't generally argue) I mean arguing to the point that I'm closing windows so the neighbours don't hear. 


I know that I've been feeling sorry for myself recently, we have no family support at all, I've tried to talk to my sisters a couple of times but nothing changes. I told one sister on Sunday that I'd told John to leave me an go and find some happiness (I am very very lucky, I know John won't go anywhere, he loves me). I (stupidly) thought that by telling my sisters how bad things are,they might be more understanding of what we go through, not holding my breath. I think that I resent the normality of their lives. Sorry to have moaned Ive just read what Ive typed. I do know that this isn't depression(had that last year)

Thank you for reading


Any advice, experiences, thoughts gratefully received

Jan xx

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Oh Jan sorry to hear your feeling like this honey.


get an appointment with the GP and see if they can help..  Go on pick up the phone and get an appt.


I'm with you 100% on No family support I don't have brothers or sisters just Ronnie...in the last 17yrs we have just muddled our way through but I wouldn't wish that on anyone Jan....


You haven't moaned I'm thinking maybe invite them all your family that concern you I wouldn't go so far as a meal or anything (I'm thinking they don't deserve that - or is that my family I'm thinking about:roll:)  Anyway invite them give them a drink they'll need it - lock the doors if you have to, to keep there attention, type up what you want to say and tell them let me speak first then I'll answer all questions and explain how you feel - how the SAH has left you how the SAH runs your life at times and what you want..  Direct them to this site...


Don't know if that's of any help Jan that's what I wished I'd done years back...



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I just wrote in Green Room about I feel so creamed and am a lazy cough cough.


I do hope you feel better and never let it beat you it nearly beat me, my fingers ache typing and I go to bed and cannot sleep !!


I cannot take a joke at the moment lol, serious not funny.  Feel like my energy has gone and so miserable  ha ha  Wonder if hubby will come in tonight.


I put it down to heat.  We cannot let a rough patch beat us now open them windows and let the neighbours hear, better than getting all hot and bothered xx


Be Well Jan and we will put it down to heat zzzzz sleepy head here signing off

Win xxxxxxxxxx  Hands Jan a moody smile xxxxx 

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Jan, darling, even though you have had depression before, it could be here again.  It doesn't present itself in the same way every time and the effect it has you can vary too.  Please make an appointment to see your GP darling, even if its to have counselling and/or anti-deps.  Your mental state will affect your physical state and vice versa.  Don't let this go on because you feel you have been beaten by the SAH.  Be determined yet patient hun, but please see a professional.


Sending you a world of hugs xxx

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Hi Jan.


Seems like your going through what many have already gone through--difference, you've put Pen to Paper--or these days Fingers to Keyboard. That's a good thing, already it'll help other's that are in the same boat, realise there not alone.


Maybe a visit to your local support group might help--take John along also.

They should be open to Carers, Partner's & Family Members.

Personally, I'd use my GP, as a last resort. (shall not say why, but if you want to know, just pm me.)


Sounds like your Family are in Denial of what you've going and been through.

Maybe they can't come to terms with what's happened, they need to be sat down and told.

That's easier said than done--I know that for a fact!!


You've stated that you've been arguing a lot more lately, bet this is down to frustration, and depression.

Think a lot of us have been there.


Stay Strong, Stay Positive, never think your ranting on here--Advocacy & Empathy is plentiful, it's FREE, and no Appointments Needed.


Take care

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Hi Jan,


You're seeing your glass half empty, not half full.  Your feelings are real and they're not nice at all.  I think most of us have been there at some time or another. 

How do you know you're not in a bout of depression?  It can recur just like anything else.  Go and see your doctor to re-assure yourself and let off some steam and yes, to get some medication if that will help.  SAH affects you mentally, as well as physically and not everyone sees that because there is no plaster cast for your brain!


You state your apathy is relentless.  I would dispute that, to some degree at least.  Why?  Because if you were apathetic you wouldn't be arguing - you are arguing because you care!  And you are closing the windows so the neighbours might hear - that is because you care, not because you are apathetic!  You resent the 'normality of their lives' - because you care, not because you re apathetic!  You also wouldn't have said to John to go and find some happiness if you thought he would go anywhere!  You said it because you knew he could take it and because you care about his happiness and thought you weren't providing it.  That is not apathy.  That is frustration.


No, Jan, what you are is not apathetic.  You are angry at the perceived lack of support from those around you and you have taken it out a little on John - the one true source of support you have, because you care about him and because he is the nearest thing to you to vent your spleen on without doing too much damage.


I agree with Keith - you need to get your sisters in a room, sit them down and tell them your true feelings.  They are not, from what you say, supporting you in the way they should.  But have you explained to them what it is you want, need and expect?  Have you told them what it's really like to have a SAH and how it affects you?  Can you expect them to do what you want them to provide, if they don't know what that is?


Are they more frightened than you because they haven't gone through this before?  You all need to sit down and talk if you ask me, not only to clear the air, but to fully understand the others point of view.  Not only that, but to prevent the situation getting any worse than it already is (as you see it from your point of view, of course)


Louise's idea of letting your sisters see this site is also a good idea.  Would they be receptive to that - or is this a place you see as a source of refuge to let off steam?  In which case, don't, especially if it would have the opposite effect on you and stop you coming to us?


Maybe the pressure of your upcoming wedding is adding unseen weight to the pressure you are feeling - can you delegate some of that to  your sisters - or John?


Now, look an the bright side!  You've got a wonderful bloke and you are getting married, I understand.  You've got your sisters.   What is normal?  Normal is what you make it.  Probably different from what you experienced pre -SAH, but who is to say your sisters' version of normal is better - maybe they resent your lifestyle?  Have you asked them?


What about sitting down with John and telling him how you feel and discussing what you can do differently to come to terms with how you are feeling and what you can do about it?  Then perhaps you can go to your sisters together and present a united front. 


Undoubtedly, things need to change a little bit, but what are you going to do about it?  You need to establish what's wrong, what it is you really want and then formulate a plan to make it happen.  In order to do this you need to communicate effectively, so write a plan and go through it methodically (trying to keep the emotion out of it as best you can) and be willing to compromise if you can't totally agree. 


You cannot change the past, Jan, but you can shape your future.


I'm not criticising you Jan, just trying to be objective and help you see what I see from the outside looking in.  It's like going back five years for me and I came through it.  You can too.  Jan, your SAH hasn't won, you're not even at half - time yet!


Good luck Jan, bless your heart.  I wish you luck - let us know what happens, keep talking to us too.


I hope this helps,



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So sorry to hear how you are feeling Jan some excellent advice from others.  I do agree perhaps go back to GP or seek some counselling/therapeutic support independently.  You are not  unlike any of us who have hit brick walls at different times and where families fail to understand, often this comes out in anger and arguments.  Remember dealing with loss is a journey where you go through many emotions often swaying between them all, SAH has seen such losses for you particularly having to give up your business and also loss of some physical abilities.


Families and friends often don't pick up signals we are struggling or need their support perhaps you could try writing them a letter to help them understand if you cannot face a meeting.  Mine were great at the time of event but after leaving hospital found it difficult to understand my recovery was only just beginning.  After counselling I also understood I often gave them very mixed messages and wanted something they could not give, to take away my feelings of depression, sadness and anger.  unconsciously I was blaming stress of taking on a caring role for mum, giving up a home I loved and pressure at work.  None of these probably contributed to my SAH, I think I was also jealous about life just continuing as normal for them - that green demon does play with your mind.


Just remember you have so much more to give, achieve and that things will improve slowly.  Perhaps see a life coach to help you look at your strengths, and to explore opportunities you have not looked at. From your posts you have great empathy, sense of humour and good people skills all valuable assets.  I am not sure if you have any close friends who can also help, of course we also here to support.


I know you will survive this blip, you have survived so much worse.  


Sharon x

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Hi Jan,

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling as you are.


I agree with everything that has been said,

John is the easy target because he's there, really the people you want to shout at are your sister's, they are the ones who are not being supportive, 

Louise had a great idea, getting them together and letting them know and see how this SAH has affected your lives, like Macca said there's no plaster cast for your brain, people can't see the injury so they assume ( wrongly of course ) that you are ok.

Sit them down and tell them that you are not and ask them for help, try explaining how you would like them to help you, as Macca said write it all down and hand them copies and try to get them to understand what is going on.


I think we all have a bit of jealousy because we have lost some of the person we were, the fact that others around us are just getting on with their lives can be frustrating at times.


I know I have said this before, you have a fantastic man at your side, who I know worships the ground you walk on, I know he wouldn't leave you because YOU are his happiness, his world.


As Macca said Jan, you can't change the past, you can however shape your future,


We are all here for you, 

Sending you love 


Michelle xx 


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Just read your post,I'm so very sorry you are feeling this way right now. A lot of good advice has been given, so I will just offer you a virtual hug. You are not alone,as you can see! please be kind to yourself,you have been through so much,and there are plenty of better days ahead 

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Hi Jan, Again some wonderful responses with good advice.


As others have suggested, it may be a touch of depression returning without you realising it.  I say that because I went to my gp about 8 weeks ago, not feeling depressed, just that my head felt full of fog, I was crying regularly, sleeping too much and that I was not coping as well as I had been. I was also concerned that the amount of stress I seem to attract was not doing my head any good.  Result she signed me off for 3 weeks with 'depression'.  Since that first appointment I have been signed off for a further 7 weeks.   My sicknote said 'depression, nos' - I then looked that up nos, thinking it was  'no other symptoms' -  it is not that, lol, its Not Otherwise Specified - it's put on for depressive disorders that are impairing but do not fit any of the officially specified diagnoses.  


I have done much research on the subject and it is a known fact that depression is a common after effect of sah.  Having little or no interest in things can be a symptom of depression.  Depression too is a bit like an umbrella for all sorts of mental health issues, you don't necessarily need to feel down, it can be a whole host of things that cause human beings to feel the way we do - having a brain injury/sah as we all know can alter the way we were and everything can feel so much more difficult to handle.  It is frustrating!


For those of us who have suffered a sah, there is little wonder we experience feelings that are not ones we perhaps had prior to it happening.   


Anyway, I'll try and post in the GR regarding family support - essential, but not always forthcoming.  I'm not sure if you've had any counselling, but it can be very useful to discuss your issues with someone outside of the family - I'm not sure if Headway may be able to make recommendations re 'neuro' counsellors, but I've often thought speaking to someone with knowledge of sah would be more helpful than an ordinary counsellor.  


Although I didn't want to be put on antidepressants I did agree to try Sertraline and I do feel that I am coping better now than I was just prior to starting the tablets. Having gone from too much sleep, I'm now not getting enough and keep waking in the early hours - so I've still a way to go before my 'normality' returns!


Wishing you all the best Jan,




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hi , this is Jackie


I'm also suffering from recurrence of depression/anxiety and Sertraline didn't work, so back on Mirtrazapine. Different drugs work for different people.

This depression is taking much longer to sort, especially because of my SAH last year. GP has seen this before in post brain trauma, but does that make me feel better???? Good news is my recent MRI showed no changes, so no more surgery needed. However my visual problems and unsteady gait will remain the same particularly since I've been this way since December. No sign that grey matter is less "puckered"


The depresssion is quite exhausting, so I know where you are coming from.

I do hope that you start to feel better soon, so take care


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Where do I start?!!! Thank you all so much for taking the time and consideration to reply to my post.Because I know that you all understand, your replies have enabled me to 'look from the outside in' and that is a huge help. I think my biggest mistake  since leaving hospital has been pretending that everything is ok and that I'm ok. Too much pride? Yes I think so.


John and I have never been ones to ask for help, always happy to give it but perhaps too proud to ask for it., I think we asked on a couple of occasions in the early days , it wasn't forthcoming so we didn't bother asking again.. I agree that we should meet up with my sisters for a chat, as you've mentioned above if We don't tell them how do they know?


The preparations are coming along re wedding This has caused added pressure My organising skills left me 2 years ago,I feel bad that I've not shown much interest or enthusiasm, I've mostly left it to John ( like he doesn't have enough to do! poor bloke) 2 months to go and I haven't bought a dress yet! I asked him if he'd still marry me if I turned up in my jeans and Tee shirt, Bless him, he said Yes(I think he'd prefer to see me in a dress though!!!)


My anger and frustrations are my enemies right now, and throw in a touch of the green eyed monster and lots of tiredness, not the best combination! 

I am on Anti deps~sertraline., I've insisted that the dose be reduced in readiness for coming off them completely, I know they suit some people but they're not for me. As for an appointment with my GP, please excuse the next sentence. . . . I would be better off having a chat with Alfie (my dog) he has more knowledge and understanding of Sah.,sorry if that came across as very rude.


Just reading and re reading all of your replies is helping me more than you know.You are all so generous with your time and advice. Thank you again

Love Janxx

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Hi Jan,


I think you have been suffering form a build up of events and you've just blown a gasket!  Your organising skills are still in there somewhere, you just need a bit more time to plan and prepare than you did before, that's all.


Get used to writing things down and use a methodical approach to get through the various tasks you set yourself.  Tiredness doesn't help, so stop when your body tells you to and rest.  You only make mistakes if you try to go on.  Take a day out where your only task is to go and buy that dress and maybe stop for a coffee with whoever you choose to go with you. Enjoy the day!  Start to enjoy the preparations for your wedding rather than seeing it as a job.


What matters is that you and John enjoy that day. What everyone else does and says is irrelevant.  It is your day, not theirs, and if you want to go dressed in a bin bag and John turns up dressed like a village yokel, chewing on a straw, then so what?


Have you read the leaflet that comes with your drug?  What are the side effects - are they contributing to your feelings, rather than relieving them?


For instance, does the drug cause drowsiness, when you are already suffering fatigue as a result of the SAH? (therefore potentially doubling the effect of tiredness and therefore affecting your mood?)  Can it cause you to be irritable?  I don't know, because I am not a doctor, but if anything like that can occur then maybe you should chat with your GP about changing your prescription.


If you have been prescribed anything like that, then arise Doctor Alfie!!!


Good luck Jan!



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Thank you, you've just had me laughing til I cried(happy cry !)Ive checked the kitchen cupboard, got a good stock of bin bags and an image ofJohn dressed like a village idiot,  whoops I think you said yokel., just joking, he's only an idiot for putting up with me poor man .

On a slightly more serious note Thank you for advice re medication, I will check side effects etc.

Macca, you have a unique talent with your advice and humour,It never fails to lift me, Thank you

Love Jan xx

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i feel almost exactly the same sometimes. It's been over two years for me and I had a very large right frontal lobe bleed, which affects personality.

my husband and I fight a lot too...just feel like the passion is gone.

NO ONE, except a few here who have actually been through it, can EVER understand how you feel so don't expect that they will. 

I will say a pray for you. Hang in there Jan!



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