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ADAPTED By BTG member Subzero Onward sharing or publication by his permission only. There`s no going back To your previous abode. No, SAH has led you On a different road. There`s no going back You`ve a new life ahead Confusing, upsetting And at times full of dread There`s no going back There is no quick fix But you`re building your new life With different bricks. There`s no going back BTG wants to help you Their message is clear Rest-drink whatever else you do. There`s no going back We go forward together Each day in our posts We give help to each other. There`s no going back With these highs and these lows And our will getting stronger The end result who knows But we are going to adapt Our work may need to change Take account of our brain Our schedules rearrange But we are going to adapt House work can wait As I negotiate with my brain On how much it can take But we are going to adapt If I take too much on Fatigue will soon hit me And I won`t get it done. But we are going to adapt Each day helps I feel. I must not be impatient Give my brain time to heal. When will we arrive there? We are all different you see The road that you take May not be for me. When will we arrive there? I`ve come to accept That each day brings new meaning Things I didn`t expect When will we arrive there? Please..family…wait and see I`m confused and uncertain Please be there for me. When will we arrive there? There is no way to know Just hold my hand tightly Where ever I go

I think I have shared that I started a blog , pogoestifty when I was back in hospital again post my SAH waiting to hear whether I needed a shunt which did. I found it great therapy ever since and it allowed me to track my progress and share with family and friends how I was doing. I blog less these days but have just posted for New Year and I thought I would share some of my list on that post here on BTG which as a forum helped me so much to make my adjustment and peace with what happened. "So as we head to the start of another year I thought I would share my lost and found list of living and adjusting to life post my SAH bleed and the subsequent surgeries for that and my shunt James which has left my brain changed forever. I lost brain a lot of brain cells 8/3/2012 due to the severity of bleed and through the surgeries and hydrocephalus but I have learnt , regained and found new ways of learning since then and I now treasure and treat my brain a lot more kindly and tread a little more gently through life. I have lost touch with some friends since that time but have gained an understanding of what true friendship looks and feels like. I am blessed to have the people that I do and I don't ever take their friendship for granted. I just hope I can one day help them the way they have helped me . I have lost a lot of worry and fear, it's strange how an event that forces you to know your own mortality can do that but I have found I am much more at ease and accepting of situations and really don't worry about much. I lost a little of my ambition. Well I think it's safe to say I have realigned it to the possibility of achieving whatever my current state allows but in doing that I have found I enjoy just doing what I do, for now anyway. I have lost respect for people that just moan and witch about everything and everyone without doing something to change but have found courage to walk away and distance myself from that. You don't ever need that stress in your life and it appears my brain hates the effect of it therefore I do not allow it in mine. I have lost a lot of social fun times and this has been hard to adjust to as you see I liked a bit of scene, a party, a loud concert but I have found I adore a 121 conversation just as much these days , it requires less energy and booze than dancing on a table and I don't care too much about the subject on offer as long as it's one that interests, intrigues or inspires and is with good company. I have lost living for tomorrow or in the past. I have found I can only do what I do and live in today and with a bit of luck and a fair wind I will have another one tomorrow and if it doesn't well I can say,'well today was a good sort of day' I have lost the ability to sleep completely flat due to the effect of my shunt at night so now sleep Barbara Cartland style propped up on cushions but without the pink nighties and feather boas but have found that you really can get used to and adjust to anything if you keep a positive outlook. I mean every time I forget and tip my head to far or back I get to hear my gravitational valve work and move, how cool is that, I get to hear the internal workings of the rubies at work with the hamsters. I have lost count of the pills, procedures, scans and doctors I have seen but I have found that progress is best measured by looking at your lowest point and then where you are today, nothing else really matters. I have found it always good to try help someone else no matter what your struggle is and so I have the lost the inhibition to offer help if I think it's needed. I have lost the feeling that I have to go it alone for something to matter or be worth something and learnt it's actually better to #lean in , you can take the corners better and it makes it easier to hug other people if you do. " What did you find and lose? Happy. Healthy 2016 to you all.

With a big thank you to Les' wife Sandra, to his sons, family and friends for the amazing and very generous gift of £1,100 to help support and run Behind the Gray. This amount was raised after a donation fund was set up by the family as a tribute to our dear friend Les. (Macca) With this gift it means Les (Macca) leaves a legacy of this site continuing to run for years to come allowing us all, old and new members alike, to honour the gentle kindness of our friend, moderator and fellow SAH survivor but continuing to follow his example. Les always came ready to listen, he gave hope where it was missing, kindness and understanding to all and some of the best advice this forum has known. If you ever read a post from Les you knew it came from the heart. Let’s honour that. Les knew how valuable it was to be supported and he knew instinctively to be caring and imparted the knowledge of his own recovery experience and how much it mattered to help make someone else's day that little bit easier. Les will leave his digital legacy with us ... his words of wisdom, kindness and humour will stay with us and will also bring much comfort to those who in future years come to the website for help and support. Myself and all of the staff/team at Behind the Gray hugely miss the presence of Les. x Thank you so much to all of his family and friends for helping Behind the Gray and ensuring that we can provide the help and support to future survivors. We are totally overwhelmed by your generosity. xx

12 years ago today my life and that of my family's changed in a split second. After recovery I had to cope with disability which also affected those around me. I now look on the SAH positively in one respect, no point in brooding, it happened and you can't turn the clock back. A teenage girl once said to me that I have made a new life. How true that is. The SAH afforded me to live my life as I wanted, without any work constraints doing what I want when I want. That is the bonus. Because I was no longer able to continue in my job I was retired early, leaving me with the opportunity to continue my love of travel without being restrained by holiday entitlements. Travel I have done, to places I could never have thought I would visit mainly due to high prices. Now I can pick and choose the most affordable. My whole attitude to life changed 12 years ago, there is more to life than work, work and more work. My motto now is "Live life to the full to the best of your ability, blow tomorrow, it may never happen"

It's not often I write or start a new post these days preferring to respond to other posts but on this dull and dank Autumn morning in the UK it has got me reflecting on how my brain and lifestyle has changed since my SAH and resulting hydrocephalus and I guess I want to get that out there into BTG land. Prior to my SAH I ran life like many of us; at full tilt, leaning into the wind and busy busy busy. I am mum to two young girls , I worked near to full time and managed a fair social life into the mix but much of that description is different now I sit and reflect nearly three and half years on from my 'event'. I am able to work part time these days, I am fortunate I can do this mostly at home over video calls and computer with occasional trips to the big city. That helps money wise. I drive again, not far and not long but I am mobile. I can walk at length but nothing 'spinny' or high velocity so I have a little exercise routine that works for me , I don't drink at all and am in bed by 9.30 most nights as my battery runs out but then. I feel my brain acutely most days. That's a strange thing to say isn't it but I imagine most of you will get it. I know most of the people I come into contact with Day to day won't give a moments though to their brain and how it's doing but having spent some serious alone time doing nothing but watching and observing my brains thought, it's pain, it's changes since SAH I can honestly say I feel I know my little grey neurons a lot better these days and so I give it more attention and consideration. If I don't it just knocks me to my knees anyway so respecting the limits is an important part of my new mode of operating. The pain , discomfort and fear that sat with me in the early years are really reduced these days but I carry the weight of my personal change of capacity and ability and it sits quite heavy some days. I miss the old me, the reliability of knowing I could just do something without having to weigh up or make a choice of what I can do today. Understanding and judging my capacity , pace myself, is something I have begrudgingly had to learn to do but I'd be lying if I said I had fully accepted those limits, it's more I know I need to do it that way if I don't want that pain , discomfort and fear to notch up. I miss being included in things, people don't ask me so much these days as they know I probably can't manage the travel to a venue or to a big noisy event without bailing early so our social life has shrunk. I still have great friends, don't get me wrong this isn't meant to be a sad post it's just one from someone who is still adjusting, still changing and can't help but occasionally looking back. I celebrate how far I have come , I really do, my consultant thought I would never work or be independant and thankfully I am able to be both but like most I guess we never stop wanting more progress, more advance. Greedy really. The thing I struggle with still is that my brain never gets fully wound up no matter how much I rest, how much I pace, how much water I drink, I still always wake tired. I'm like a clockwork toy that you can't keep wound up. In fact most mornings I have to be woken up . The family have a routine, my daughters and my hubby are all getting ready but I am left sleeping and you know what I don't hear a thing of the noisy morning bustle and then they wake me with a cup of tea It's really sweet of them and it's a gentle start to my day but with you I can share I feel guilty that I just can't manage to wake up any earlier and when I do wake I sit with what I only describe as hangover head for a while, no bounding Out of bed for me unless I want to fall. My hydro team suggest this is more the shunts effects than SAH but it's a hard legacy, a small legacy really to swallow all things considered but I start each morning with renewed reminder and knowledge of my limits for the day. Oh it's a strange thing to live with a rearranged and damaged noodle but it's is glorious to have that challenge of life and be one of the lucky ones. Onwards. Keeping hope. And singing of course.

It seems a long time ago when my brain sprung a leak but my memories from that day, the days in hospital afterwards, and at home recuperating, are still very strong. I had no concept at the time of a long term recovery. In fact I thought 'no problem, I'll push through this' and get back on with my life like nothing has happened. Wrong, very wrong. I don't think anyone told me that a long recovery was going to happen, or I wasn't listening if they did, but I certainly wasn't prepared for it. Here I am three years later and my life is definitely not the same as it was. But actually I think the positives now far outweigh the negatives. The bleed was an unwelcome circuit breaker for our lives but about a year or so down the track my attitude changed. I found it much better to focus on what I do have rather than what I don't. And I am much clearer about what is important in life and what isn't. One valuable asset that I didn't have pre-bleed was time because my life was so jam packed. Soon after the bleed I had time because my doctor told me to stop work. I wasn't coping due to the head pain and fatigue but was just pressing on. Bad move. However I don't think I knew what to do with the time at first. And that is understandable in the sense that I was still thinking that I was dealing with a short term problem and therefore I would be back to 'normal' in a few days or weeks. And maybe that is how it is for some but I would be surprised if that is the case. So if I had the opportunity to plan my recovery and do it again from scratch what would I change? I would teach myself to get to know my boundaries and remove all those things that have a negative impact on my recovery. And I would reflect more on who and what are most important in my life and put more energy into them. And I would more quickly accept the hand that I was dealt. And I would learn to say no. Yet again I can confirm that the wise counsel of our experienced BTG'ers is, perhaps unsurprisingly, spot on. Key for me are the messages to be kind to your brain, listen to your body, and pace yourself. I was slow to learn what these messages actually mean but the sooner one works that out the better. My recovery is a work in progress and I expect that there is more to come. But if this is as good as it gets then I am fine with that too. I figure that I have little to gain from stressing about it. Best wishes to all on BTG, especially to Karen and her band of wonderful helpers.

Well I cannot believe my eldest is 18 and I worried I wouldn't see him grow up and here is the day so to everyone who is afraid of having another stroke or not seeing their children grow up don't worry I never let the fear consume me and I am so glad I didn't as I could've wasted 18 years of my sons life and missed all the important times xxx I had some dark times over the years god its been tough but I never really let the kids see it I used to lie in bed at night and think and cry but that was my worry time xxx I don't worry half as much anymore but I wanted to come here today and let you all know you can live after you can be happy you can get through the fear xxx All the best to everyone at btg keep moving forward never let anything or anyone hold you back xxx Karen and all the moderators thanks for being there over the years when I have needed to vent and through family problems me and my husband splitting up losing my mom earlier this year you will never know how grateful 🙏 I am to you all ♥️ I have put it here rather than green room as I went visitors to the site to also see how you can be happy after hemorrhagic stroke you can have a life so keep on keeping on never give up xxx

I had a particularly good session with my Headway Occupational Therapist yesterday. The topic for our session was helping me with strategies for helping others to understand what my strengths and weaknesses now are. One of the things my OT shared with me was the article in the link below, and I though I would share it with you all as I thought was quite good. http://www.brainline.org/content/2011/07/lost-found-what-brain-injury-survivors-want-you-to-know.html Not all will be applicable to us all, but some of it may be, it was for me. I will share some of this with my dearest and dearest to try to explain things a bit better. I've abstracted one of the points below (I didn't quite agree with all of it, but I felt this bit was particularly apt) Hope folks find this helpful Greg. ------------------------------------------ Please don’t confuse Hope for Denial. We are learning more and more about the amazing brain and there are remarkable stories about healing in the news every day. No one can know for certain what our potential is. We need Hope to be able to employ the many, many coping mechanisms, accommodations and strategies needed to navigate our new lives. -------------------------------------------

Hi Victoria, Welcome to BTG, I`m so sorry you are feeling such despair, what I`m about to say I have not said to anyone apart from my doctor. When I had my SAH in June 2014 my partner was fantastic, he really did take good care of me, always reassuring me that everything would be fine, no matter deficit I was left with we would get through it together, When I left hospital I had left sided weakness, couldn't walk unaided, had a lot of head, back and leg pain, the hospital gave me pain meds to take when I was discharged home. I`d been home about 4 weeks when out of the blue he told me he didn't want me taking anymore pain meds, I told him I had to take them because I was still having a lot of pain, he then told me if I didn't stop taking them he wouldn't love me anymore, as you can imagine this totally shocked and horrified me that he could say such a thing. The following morning he took all of my pain meds back to the pharmacy, telling them I no longer needed them, I wasn't strong enough to fight back, what I did do was go to see my doctor, when I got there I totally broke down and just poured everything out, she was great. She actually phoned my partner and explained to him that I needed pain relief and she was prescribing me some more, he was not to stop me taking them and if he did then there would be consequences for him, I was dreading going back home but when I got there he was fine, I don't think he expected me to tell her what he had done. Jumping forwards 10 months into my recovery, I had managed to get onto arm crutches and get on my feet, while I was waiting for some physiotherapy he said he wanted me to stop using crutches, I told him no way was I doing that because I would just fall over, when the physiotherapist came I told her in front of him what he wanted me to do, she told him no way was I to go without them, not until I was confident that I wouldn't fall. When I had my 6 month follow up with hospital, he nearly fell off the chair when the Professor said I should start to see some improvements over the following 2 years, he said " how long " years, I thought she would have been back to normal by now, that's when he was told I would probably never be the same as I was before SAH. I was so glad that he was told that because it made him realise there would be a new normal for me, well both of us actually. I hope when people are reading this they don't think I am horrible for telling this storey, I actually typed it 3 times and deleted it because I was worried what people would think, we have been together for 18 years and I love him dearly he has been my rock through all of this. He now understands more about what I can do and what I can't, I do stand up to him more now that I have the strength to do it. I know this has been a very long post, I`m sorry, but please Victoria try and talk to him, talk to your doctor and maybe they might be able to explain more to him about what your limitations are now. You will become more accepting of who you are now, like Macca said you cant change what has happened in the past, you can however be in charge of what happens in the future, start loving the new person you have become, that's what I have done and I actually quite like the new me. This is a fantastic place to come to when things are tough, it`s also the best place I know to make new friends, with lots of advice and so much help and support, it`s perfect. We are here for you, I`m sending you a big hug as I think you need one, Good Luck Love Michelle xx

Subs and All xx I met my Hubby at work, at first I thought he was a bit rude/bighead. 44 years on I still think he is the best thing that ever happened to me. (still a bit quiet but he doesn't get a word in with me ha). I cry when I talk about him as I love him so much, but when we first got married life was tough, so we lived with my parents until we could afford our own house. We've had some good rows but I still Love him so much xx We worked together running our own business, ate and drank(lots) together. He is my best Pal. My Sisters all said "my husband wouldn't do what yours did for you" (when ill) So without our Carers we would be lost. When I couldn't hold a cup Hubby got me 2 cardboard cups, he knows me so well. He knew getting out would do me the world of good. Love to All Win xxxxxxxxxx

The 21st of august will be the first anni-versary of my SAH. I'm writing about it now as I'll be in Portugal on the day, so hopefully I'll be in the sun and near the sea with a glass of (non-alcoholic) bubbly to celebrate. ? It's hard to believe that a year has gone by - flown by. I still find it hard to believe that I survived two ruptured aneurysms and one unruptured one, and that I've managed to go from being unable to even make a cup of tea to returning to work. But that's exactly what I've done. So on the 21st I'll be raising a glass to all the SAH/stroke survivors out there and applauding the resilience we have to just keep on going. So happy anni-versary to me and to every SAH survivor! Xx

Thank you everybody for the kind sentiments, gestures and comments for my mum, our family appreciate it very much. xxx

The "Letter from your brain" inspired me to write this: Dear family members, I know you had a huge scare, could have lost me and just want to protect me, however, I have a few requests that would help me feel better: Please don't shout" you forgot to turn out the bathroom light AGAIN!" Or "this time you left the butter out of the fridge!"please try not to give me huge sighs or disgruntled noises because I left my cell phone downstairs again and could use your help to get it. I know that my memory is not what it used to be and believe me, I am harder on myself about that then anyone else about that! Pointing out every mistake just makes me feel worse and makes me feel worse about myself . In fact, it makes me feel like a dummy! Please don't keep reiterating how hard this was on you as well. Yes, you had to drive long distance to visit me, sit in traffic, etc. and of course this made you extremely stressed out as well, but, telling me about all that just makes me want to say, "sorry that my stroke inconvenienced you." It makes me feel Like my illness messed up your entire life, and it may have,however, it's not like I planned it out! Please don't continue to ask me what I got accomplished today, which just makes me feel like I should have gotten a list of chores done, even if they are contraindicated with my injury. Please, please don't compare your past surgeries or injuries to mine! you can't compare and no two people have the same recovery even with the same surgery! please don't assume that just because I am sitting in my recliner watching tv that I must be depressed, even tho I may be, but there are certain people I talk to when I get depressed, and I know what to donfor hat. Most of all, please don't tell me how"cute" I look. With my new hair cut. I had my husband shave the half of my head that the doctors did not, so it's 2 inches long on one side and 1/2 inch long on the other. It is also now more gray than ever! I also weigh much more than I would like too so I don't feel "cute" by any means! Thank you all for your constant support, but please remember that my personality is different and I cannot help that! I am moody, I have to express my feelings now instead of holding them back, and none of it is personal! My moods are the same for everyone in a day! Thank you for reading this far. I will do my best to be pleasant if you can do your best to accept that this is the new me and I really have no control over that!

So many things I could mean by that title, it could be the amount of tears I have shed over the last five years or it could just be the fact that here I am arrived at the five year mark wth almost a feeling of awe and amazement and so much water has gone under the bridge in that time. 5 years ago I was working at a busy work event in London to mark IWD. That proved to be my saving. Surrounded by people to whom when I remarked there was something "terribly wrong in my head" they acted, they got me help and by the time the bike paramedic arrived I was having a grand mal seizure. Big brain stem bleed, Hydrocephalus to boot and let's just say the thought of those days still makes my family and loved friends go grey. Me? I remember nothing until I finally shifted from HDU and I figure that's a good thing because I definately remember a lot of the rest of those long weeks , of that year of further operations. My good fortune was prompt attention, amazing surgeons and angels on my side but I didn't leave the party without my scars and deficits. So now, today, how do I feel? So much is in the rear view mirror for me but I have grown stronger mentally and physically with passing days. I can do so much more but choose to respect my new limits which brings me and my brain more peace. . I carry my SAH with me as an experience that has shaped a new version and I still get frustrated with my new operating mode that was created that day but to be honest in those early days I felt so broken, well I was broken, nothing worked as it had just days before that I honestly never thought I could reach as far as I have so on the whole I just feel very privileged to be here and always find something to marvel at in each new day. And so this 5 year anniversary post is to say that. To say keep dreaming, keep looking up and forward , not to far, not to farback and just always try to pick yourself up after those shocking and dreadful 'head' days and nights that we get. Try to stay with the moment of now and enjoy it for what it is. Every day will brew change I find so be open to that and you just never know what is round the next corner. thankyou BTG for all the helping words, hands and friendships. You have held me up,

Tomorrow will be my 2 year anniversary but as I have a neuro-psych appointment at 8am followed by work from 9am -6pm, followed by an evening with an old work colleague I thought I would post now. ( I'm exhausted after reading that let alone living it ). I look back over the last 2 years and consider everything that has happened in that period. Some has been good, some happy and a lot sad. I had to leave the job I loved, I lost friends I loved but I kept my life. I'm lucky that I now have a job that suits my lifestyle, that causes me minimal stress and I have friends who care about my welfare. Saying that , I do miss my old life and all the friends I had in it. All my losses would not have happened if my brain had not exploded that day. Do I wish I could turn back the clock? Well yes I do in certain respects but no in others.- and seeing as I have no choice in the matter I need to focus on the no's! I have a family that love me and try and understand the new me. I have a job that is less stressful in many ways, even though I need to addresss the day to day pressures. I have new friends who understand me as I am now but I do have some old friends who accept the new me too. We cannot change our destiny and although I yearn for my old life I am accepting my new life and my new 'normal'. One of the most positive things in my new life is BTG and all the new friends I have found since being a member. Thank you to everyone who has been with me on my journey, I hope you will all be with me in my future travels. Clare xx

Eureka!! I have returned to this site hoping to find information/confirmation/reassurance that I am not over-reacting or looking for problems that aren't there - as this is what I know those around me think! I have spent time reading through posts and advice and find this one. MO5....I am truly sorry to hear of your situation & YOU should be proud of all you have been & continue to deal with, humbling indeed!! Furthermore, your original post mentioned so many things that I have been 'struggling' with over the last few years and recognise,. But have been told by my GP that I am depressed, suffering from stress blah, blah, blah but ignoring or not listening to what I feel are my real issues....memory, language hesitation (verbal & written) confrontation fear, social engagement incompetence, utter fatigue and above all else "I am devoid of all fluffiness. I feel nothing, long conversations bore me, little to no empathy" So, I am probably not simply an "attention seeker" (how I've been made to feel!?!) It has been so long since my SAH (2008) & stent (2010) that I no longer believed that this & my mental state could be linked. I have found work more than challenging, my ability to cope deteriorating until I finally left in October 2015, the financial pressures and feelings of failure have plagued me since. My 3 children are now all grown up, happy, secure & working abroad, so I don't have that responsibility but the belief I am not the person I used to be has finally hit home - but how do I explain this without sounding like a 'whining child looking for excuses?' In conclusion, I would like to thank you for posting so honestly and wish you well for the 28th, hoping you get the answers, support and help you deserve and are entitled to! Your post & this thread has convinced me to tackle my GP again and ask him to take me seriously, so it has helped at least one person. In fact, I may just copy & take this with me........thank you!!

This time four years ago I was sitting down after a wonderful but busy day with two of my dearest friends and enjoying a chat and catch up over a couple of cheeky drinks and coffee. One was my job share partner in the role I loved and the other an ex colleague going back to my early days at work. I had another busy day ahead so was staying up in London but it's my very last memory from my 'old brain' and so I cherish it as the following morning at my work event, surrounded by hundreds from my company I was felled by my SAH. I have zero memories other than those I have been told since. I was a lucky lucky girl , people recognised it was a brain event and I got help for what was a big SAh , grand mal seizure and hydrocephalus and i was just round the corner from the National in London . My work wife stayed with me throughout for the ambulance ride to uclh and then the national and remained until husband and mum could get to me but I just have the odd flash back but no true recall and I really am pleased as the events I experienced later on were already enough to trigger PTSD later in my recovery. It was four days before I came around properly and even then it was to total bewilderment and having ground hog day moments as to why things were so odd, and what on earth was that tube in my head for, and who are you again? Those following days are pretty clear and unpleasant to be honest but I don't dwell on those memories that often now, they played with my fears for far too long. It was a fairly significant stay in hospital , a return of three weeks for yet more surgery to have my shunt placed , no driving for 15+ months and two very sad scared young daughters ( not to mention traumatised hubbie with all my blue lights trips I had before shunt got Put in). Together We weathered a pretty big life hurricane. That year was really hard , full of pain , trauma, set backs and fear but throughout it I was loved, supported and never lost hope that things could get better. And they did. Slowly and surely I have reached my new life goal of ' steady for the most'! BTG played a big part in that process so I really do thank you all. Karen and founders for creating it, Paul and Lyn whose story left me humbled , Win whose singing reached my darkest moments and made me realise you just have to carry on and find the smiles in each day , SM showing me travel with shunt is possible, that's just a few but many of you have helped me get this far so i thank each of you for giving time to me and others and for all for the reassurances, the shared experience, the encouragement , fun comments and banter and the hope for better you gave to me. My colleagues still carry the memory trauma of that day as do I and will for ever but thankfully like my scars it has faded for them as I, we all tracked my recovery , noted my progress and in time over those four years since I have been able to regain and return in part to some of what I did previously. Tomorrow, I'll hug my girls and chap, I will work from home differently and for less hours than my old style but I will enjoy and manage it. I will smile and sing a little I expect and most of all I will be thankful for the day arriving and for that day four years ago when I Survived. I'm different today but then who isn't, I take each day as it comes some better than others and enjoy as many moments as I can. Have a happy International Women's Day everyone, I plan to celebrate this and all the other SAH woman tomorrow!

I couldn't make up my mind whether to post something to mark my "anniversary" but came to the conclusion that if I was giving it that much thought then I probably should. This time last year, I was just thinking about the last half an hour or so of work for the day, before closing the laptop and getting in the car to heading to the gym. Little did I know then that within 20 mins or so of being in the gym things were about to change quite so much. It is a cliche, but also true this last year has been such a journey for me (and for my family). In some respects I feel that the last year was probably going to seem easier than what is to come this year. For me, I will try at some point in the not too distant future to start a VERY gentle phased return to work, but I think everyone is realistic about this. It's hard even for those close to me to get the deficits I now have. I am lucky that the deficits aren't as obvious as they could be as they aren't that severe. Some of this lack of understanding I think in part is my fault. I haven't yet, and am still not quite prepared to change my mind set, tempered slightly for sure, but I am still want to seize life by the scruff of its neck and go for it. And in those quiet moments, when the fatigue is at bay I can feel just the way I used to, not invincible but full of energy and determination. That's what this SAH malarky has taken from me (just for now!). I would be foolish not to take the opportunity that this has also given me and not make the most of it. It might be a strange way to look at things, but sometimes having the pieces of life thrown up in the air and rearranging themselves, does (if in moderation) reinvigorate and allow us to re-evaluate life, something I know a lot of which is discussed here on BTG. I have been fortunate to have the support of some great people both here (so thank you all) and in my family, friends, work and support workers. Those that really matter and care come to the fore in our lives at times like these, and for them I am and will be eternally grateful for their love and support. Not my most positive of postings apologies, hopefully reflective more than maudlin (you are welcome to give me a metaphoric kick up the backside), but it fitted the day at hand. Again thank you all. Keep well.

Excellent letter to the family - can totally relate. I have a woman at work who is ten years older than me and all I get from her is "well when you get to my age, you don't remember everything..." Her age is an excuse for everything, so I turn round and say "I'm lucky I reached my age, let alone yours and my brain is still recovering!" It shuts her up - which suits me fine lol,

I don't think that Win's post was intended to make you feel upset or to make you feel personally offended. Nobody is telling you that you can't have a bad day.....we all have those. The above comment from Win was well intentioned and I think that you've perhaps misread it or taken it out of context, as Win always ends her posts on a positive and light hearted note as that's how she deals with life. Win's had it tougher than most of us on here physically and it's a miracle that she can even type a response on this forum from the early days of her daughter posting on here when Win was in hospital and the outcome sounded extremely bleak. I've seen Win's progress since she first came on to the site with her typing and posts ... and it's been personally uplifting to see her positivity after such a traumatic brain injury and to see the kindness that she's offered to others with her support, even though her own life isn't at all easy.

A letter from your brain Hello, I’m glad to see that you are awake! This is your brain talking. I had to find some way to communicate with you. I feel like I barely survived WWIII and am still not quite all in one piece. That’s why I need you. I need you to take care of me. As time passes and you and I feel better and better, people, even doctors, will tell you that we are fine, “it’s time to get on with life.” That sounds good to me and probably even better to you. But before you go rushing back out into that big wide world, I need you to listen to me, really listen. Don’t shut me out. Don’t tune me out. When I’m getting into trouble I’ll need your help more than I ever have before. I know that you want to believe that we are going to be the same. I’ll do my best to make that happen. The problem is that too many people in our situation get impatient and try to rush the healing process; or when their brains can’t fully recover they deny it and, instead of adapting, they force their brains to function in ways they are no longer able too. Some people even push their brains until they seize, and worse… I’m scared. I’m afraid that you will do that to me. If you don’t accept me I am lost. We both will be lost. How can I tell you how much I need you now? I need you to accept me as I am today… not for what I used to be, or what I might be in the future. So many people are so busy looking at what their brains used to do, as if past accomplishments were a magical yardstick to measure present success or failures, that they fail to see how far their brains have come. It’s as if here is shame, or guilt, in being injured. Silly, huh? Please don’t be embarrassed or feel guilt, or shame, because of me. We are okay. We have made it this far. If you work with me we can make it even further. I can’t say how far. I won’t make any false promises. I can only promise you this, that I will do my best. What I need you to do is this: because neither of us knows how badly I’ve been hurt (things are still a little foggy for me), or how much I will recover, or how quickly, please go s-l-o-w-l-y when you start back trying to resume your life. If I give you a headache, or make you sick to your stomach, or make you unusually irritable, or confused, or disoriented, or afraid, or make you feel that you are overdoing it, I’m trying to get your attention in the only way I can. Stop and listen to me. I get exhausted easily since being hurt, and cannot succeed when overworked. I want to succeed as much as you do. I want to be as well as I can be, but I need to do it at a different pace than I could before I got hurt. Help me to help us by paying attention and heeding the messages I send to you. I will do my part to do my very best to get us back on our feet. I am a little worried though that if I am not exactly the same… you will reject me and may even want to kill us. Other people have wanted to kill their brains, and some people have succeeded. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want you to die. I want us to live, and breath and be, even if being is not the same as it was. Different may be better. It may be harder too, but I don’t want you to give up. Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on yourself. Our time here isn’t through yet. There are things that I want to do and I want to try, even if trying has to be done in a different way. It isn’t easy. I have to work very hard, much harder, and I know that you do too. I see people scoff, and misunderstand. I don’t care. What I do care about is that you understand how hard I am working and how much I want to be as good as I can be, but I need you to take good care of us, as well as you can do that. Don’t be ashamed of me. We are alive. We are still here. I want the chance to try to show you what we are made of. I want to show you the things that are really important in life. We have been given another chance to be better, to learn what is really important. When it is finally time for our final exit I would like to look back and feel good about what we made of us and out of everything that made up our life, including this injury. I cannot do it without you. I cannot do it if you hate me for the way being injured has affected me and our life together. Please try not to be bitter in grief. That would crush me. Please don’t reject me. There is little I can do without you, without your determination to not give up. Take good care of us and of yourself. I need you very much, especially now. Love, your wounded brain ©1996 Stephanie St. Claire May be reprinted for personal, not for profit use.

It doesn’t seem possible that I sit here 10 years on and can survey where I am now. Not that I have a direct comparison from that day as I have no memory of events for a good few days after my aneurism let go , it was not until I left the ICU and moved to HDU and wondered what on earth was all the kit around me for that I have any memory at all and they aren’t that nice. I pulled my ventricular drain out , my catheter, cannula, I mean they were just an annoyance! Those days though are far in the rear view now but for some reading they may be very present and reality and so just know healing is NOT confined to the first two years, regains continue , you learn more, but just don’t try and rush it faster than your brain is telling you it wants to go. Trust me in that if you learn your warning lights and heed them then you’ll gain confidence and move forward. There’s no going back, getting back, it’s all about what’s possible from here. stay curious. https://popgoestifty.blogspot.com/2022/03/lowering-curtain.html

Hi everyone, Today, I finally reached 10 years. What a journey. In the beginning, there was pain and the fear of not knowing if I would live or what kind of life I would have. The weirdness in my head and if I’d ever feel anything other than pain and dread. My brain was a filing cabinet full of knowledge and order that tipped over and made a mess all over the floor and I was incapable of picking any of my files up. However, something happened along the way and slowly my files started finding their way back. It takes time, hard work, a lot of crying, and it takes hope. The folks on this site helped me tremendously to see there was and is hope. I sit here today 10 years later to tell the “newbies” to have hope. One week leads to one month, which leads to three months, six months, one year, and the next thing you know you are sitting in my spot 10 years later hoping for another 10 years. Xoxo iola

Well here I am posting a day late, yesterday was my 7th Anni-versary and I had a really good day. My day started with a lovely phone call from Jan, as always it was lovely to hear from her, i had tried to call her on Monday as it was her 6th Anni-versary but didn't get to speak to her, so we had a lovely catch up yesterday and made plans for her and John to come to see us at some point, we missed out on that last year because of Covid, so it will be nice to get together again. I had a really nice day, i had a lovely walk around a little village called Cartmel, not far from our holiday park, in 8 years of coming to The Lake District I have never been there, i was in the company of my lovely friend Mary and my little Molly. There is a beautiful Priory in the village and I had a lovely walk around inside of it, i did sit in quiet contemplation for a little while and said a very big Thank You to whoever was watching over me on the 8th June 2014, I am truly grateful that they were, i then lit a candle in gratitude for my life and in memory of my mam, which was a little emotional. Then we had a lovely walk around the shops, had a nice cold drink in the village Square, then we headed home. It was just lovely. The last year has been a bit strange, what with Covid going on and everything. The worst parts of the last 12 months were losing 2 very special people who both helped me so much when I first joined BTG. Both Win & Macca were in my thoughts yesterday as I sat quietly in that church, then of course my dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer, that came as a big shock, he is however doing quite well at the moment, although i worry about him, I am not stressing to much. As for me, well i have started walking to try and get myself a little fitter, over the winter lockdown I have to admit i was struggling a bit, i think the dark days made it worse, i only walk for 1 hour every night, it has had a massive impact on the way i feel, both mentally and physically, my blood pressure has come down considerably from 157/75 to 120/ 65 which is about where my GP wanted it, so i am over the moon with that. I have also taken more control of things in my relationship with Verdun, some of you are aware of things that have gone on in that area of my life, well I have stepped up and I seem to be making good progress in not allowing myself to be bullied and abused anymore, still a little bit to do yet, but i feel more able to stand up for myself, i am determined to get things back on a level ground and for the first time in a long time, I feel I am getting my confidence back and some self respect along with it, which can only be a goid thing. I know i haven't visited BTG much in the last couple of months, i have made the decision that if I am going to moan, I won't visit, I feel like i have done a lot of that in the last year, so i thought it would be good to give you all a rest from me. I have been looking in, just not posting much. The one big thing I do want to say is this, Thank you Karen, i know I say this every year but I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for this wonderful safe haven you created for us all to come to, i found this site at a time when I still felt like i was not going to make it, with the support and help that I received when I joined, I am where I am today, I will be forever eternally grateful to you and every member of this group, for every bit of advice, for every note of concern and for the empathy, love and support that we all have for each other. I love my BTG family, I have gained 2 very special relationships from this forum, Jan and I are especially very close, love that lady to bits, Andrea has become a very close friend too, i am blessed to have them both in my life, just as I feel blessed to have you all in my life, my world would be a much sadder place without you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for always being there, you have all helped me through so much, i will be forever grateful to you all. Here's looking forward to the next 12 months, let's see what it brings, hopefully everything good. Love Michelle. Xx😘😘😘🙏❤

Hi Robert, Welcome to BTG. I wasn't going to reply or join in with this but in the end I couldn't resist. The opinions I give below are entirely mine and I base them on what you have said, and your style of writing, and your responses to others above. They are given with the best of intentions, but I hope you can get something from them, even if you don't agree, if only you get some clarity on how you see things in order to move forwards in your recovery. Please don't keep beating yourself up about this. I have identified a number of issues here and I think to help your understanding, it is better that they are broken down to help you find the appropriate answers. 1] You were badly assaulted. Even without a brain injury, this was a very traumatic event for you and is difficult to get over. You will have had a mixture of anger, upset and shock. You will have replayed that incident in your mind a hundred times and more. Shock usually kicks in after the event when your mind starts to wonder what might have happened, over and above what actually did happen. Stress builds because of that, in my opinion. 2] You suffered three injuries - two haemorrhages and a fractured skull. Any one of them on their own is a major trauma which could take a long time to get over, let alone having three to deal with all in the same time frame. Everybody on this site, just about, recognises that brain injuries take time to fix and that there are no instant answers. We have to accept that and so we have to adapt. Change happens, it is how we deal with it that matters. 3] You probably went back to work too soon. Not easy for you and not easy for your family, but I bet you wouldn't be told. 4] You took on a more pressurised job when really you needed a time-out to attempt a proper recovery before attempting to move on. Looking at it from outside, you probably set yourself back a bit there. 5] With more pressure, your relationships with your wife and children took a bit of a hit. These are the most important - not your work. 6] With some of the therapy sessions you probably went in too early and took on too much. It sounds to me, from your own words, that maybe you were still railing against what had happened to you and were not receptive at that time to those trying to reach out to you. In therapy you said you felt insulted. For you to engage, it is vital that the therapist fully explains the aims and objectives of the sessions in great detail at the beginning - and with brain injury at the beginning of each session - for you to get the most from them. Did you fully listen to the therapist or was your mind still arguing 'Why am I here?' with itself? Had you come to terms with your injuries and accepting that these incidents had happened to you? Or were you still fighting them? 7] Is it too late to go back and admit you were perhaps wrong to leave the sessions? Reach out to those trying to help you. In my experience, they are always willing to reach out to those who are prepared to help themselves. It isn't a matter of pride - it is a matter of getting you well again, and cognisant of the fact that you need help to get well again. All of us need help at various times, you are no different, and at times you will reach out to others in the future. You cannot change or control what has happened to you in the past, but you can accept it and then alter what happens to you in the future. 8] A big issue for you seems to be recovery time. Let me tell you that, currently, you see time as your biggest enemy, because you want to be like the old you as soon as possible. Sadly, with brain injuries, the reality just isn't like that. Time is therefore your biggest friend, not your enemy. You survived, and so time is what will allow you to address all these issues but one at a time, not all at once. Time is a healer, but it needs help from you, your wife and children, your friends and your work colleagues. But you have to let them. Talk to them and interact with them. Do it in short bursts and let them know when things are becoming too much and you need a break before resuming. They will be as distressed as you are but if you let them help you they will respond. If your bag of shopping drops on the floor, you pick up the items one by one, you don't try to pick up all the items together because you will keep dropping things again. So pick up your issues one by one, methodically, and put them in the shopping bag that is your life one by one. You will find it easier to deal with things that way. 9] Your job is obviously important to you, but your family are more important. Your kids don't care what job their Daddy does. You could be a street sweeper (no dis-respect intended) for all they care They want a happy, relaxed, Daddy that comes home to them at the end of the day, to talk and play with them and read them a bedtime story. If you have a Mercedes, they wouldn't mind a Mini - as long as their Daddy, the best man in the world, is the driver. They don't want to see Mr Grumpy. 10] Stay in touch with your doctors and therapists. Their guidance will be vital in your recovery. Work with them, not against them. You cannot be an autocrat when your result depends on what they do - you need them onside. 11] Pride comes before a fall is the old saying. It is also the wrong emotion, in my opinion, to have in this circumstance. What you need is dignity and you have that in spades. There is no disgrace in getting or seeking help from others. Your parents helped you when you were growing up. Your teachers did, too. If you ask help from others in getting things done at work, what is the difference in getting them to help in your personal dealings? The answer is 'none.' The only thing is your perception. In fact, there is a lot more respect to be gained in reaching out than in trying to go it alone. What you are probably finding is that you are like two north or two south poles of a magnet - repelling each other rather than working together to attract each other and dealing with the problems that currently, that you see, blight your life. 12] Stay in touch with us Robert. We have all had brain injuries, or know someone who has (in the case of carers). Accept that the injuries are there and nothing can change that. Resentment is a wasted emotion. The best way to fight this is to get better and you can best do that by using all the resources (doctors, nurses, family, friends and colleagues) at your disposal to get well. Help us to help you. I wish you well, Macca

I wrote the following a couple of months ago. I think some of you will identify with it!I it gave a couple of my family members an insight as to how I was feeling THIS IS ME losing Things I've lost......... a chunk of my life My confidence My Independence My Stamina My motivation My identity I look in the mirror I don't know the person I see,who is this looking back at me? The 'old Jan'has gone, I miss her, I mourn for her People look at me differently now. I have to accept the 'new Jan' can you too? I am angry and sad inside but I can walk and talk so must be ok? I will be.

Jan -This is you! Lost 5% - there's another 95% to play with. Confidence - you just need some temporary reassurance - you're doing just great! Independence - it's still there, you just have someone to help now and again until you do it yourself again Stamina - catch the bus - it's just a different route to the results you want. Motivation - the doctors and nurses who helped you and your family who stood by you and cared for you. Identity - you've just added some new facets, familiarise yourself with them and you'll see the old you is still in there too! You are ok - you're just wearing a different coat that some don't recognise, but that's their problem not yours. You were a child once -your childhood has gone but you don't mourn for it, you remember with fondness and a smile. Do the same now. You've progressed in life and taken some new steps, that's all. The 'old' you is in a photograph album. Bring it out and laugh and recreate some of the situations you pictured. The new you is here and now. Don't beat yourself up about it - enjoy it. Life is for living, change happens, it's how you deal with it that counts! Love yourself and everyone else will love you for it. Best wishes Macca

Hi Nat As you can see from above how you feel is entirely normal but that said it is really horrid and unpleasant living with this level of fear and so I think all of us are united in saying don't suffer it alone. Go to you GP, ask for counselling and in the meantime do things that help you relax and let the panic and worry subside when that feeling comes upon you. Survival is a funny thing. Our adrenalin kicks in and that helps us deal with the unpleasantness of our trauma in the early days but that wears off and then we are left with the legacy of knowing and feeling the trauma of the experiences, it reaches into your soul and has changed us all, all that takes some getting used to. Time helps but also so does talking about your worry. I had counselling after SAH! Once in the first year and then again when my fears intensified for no reason, I was then diagnosed with PTSD so was able to learn some techniques that helped and still help me get past that fear and feeling when it grips. Main thing Nat is when you are at you most worried is to just sit, watch and wait. like Win says if you can hum a tune, or look at a nice picture or suck a mint, basically concentrate on something small and then just notice whether your pain has shifted or moved. The reality is if we have another bleed that is not within our control anyway but trying to stay calm will help the blood pressure which is a good thing and get help. As Karen says it's incredibly rare as far as I know but the fear of it is incredibly common. It is a viscous circle, the more you stress, the more you get headaches, the more you worry, so the more you stress....try to break the cycle. Worry is normal but in the end it will change nothing . Sorry if that sounds harsh, I really do get it but I have had to let my worries go( and they can still grip me four years on ) Yes my shunt could need replacing or block, yes I could re bleed but I could also fall down the stairs, get knocked down by bus, worry won't keep me safe, you get the picture. Life is for living lovely lady. Yes In an adjusted and different way but we have to choose to accommodate our new fears and knowledge of our fragility and then we can smile more broadly and enjoy our days. Go talk to someone x

Daffodil, so eloquent thank you. Gemma, you are on a similar time line to me so perhaps in a number of ways my thoughts are similar to yours. However, not quite a year in, I'm not sure if its delusional but I don't yet want to think what I may have lost. I will keep on trying things and see if they get better or easier (perhaps not too frequently). Back in early March a bought a ticket for a gig this December, and had to give it away. At the start o this journey I thought I would be OK by December, but this year not. I will buy another ticket when they come on sale next year, and we will see, I'm not quite ready to say good bye to that quite yet. I think one of the things that I have gained, is a perspective on all the really good friends and people locally that have come forward more in my life thanks of this SAH malarky. Anyway, I've side tracked myself. I logged in tonight as I wanted to wish everyone here all the best for 2016. This time last year I had no idea what SAH was, but in just 20 days that was all about to change. I've have had the fortune to meet a great bunch of people here at BTG drawn to gather through our experiences. I may not be a regular inputer to the discussions but the support both in just being able to read what other people are going through and in participating in some of the discussions has been some of the most important support over the past year. Here's to a happy and healthier 2016 for us all Cheers!

Hi all Nine year anni-versary for me today. My daughter realised that she has lived with me living with this for half of her life, and whilst she is an amazing person and has coped so well with it all, it does make me sad. Just want to take this opportunity to thank Karen and her family for setting up BTG - it was the best thing to aid my recovery and it helped so much knowing that I was not alone with all the fear, anxiety and anger that I had in the early days. I've made, and met, some very good friends through BTG and it is a privilege to be a part of all of your lives - although I wish it were under different circumstances. Take care everyone xxx

I've been in two minds as to whether I would write something or not. I had my SAH Anniversary on July 25th. Firstly, I would like to thank the fabulous team that I have on BTG, who help to support me and the site and who also write with great wisdom and support all of you guys on the forum and all have had a SAH and going through the journey with you. So, here we go!... much thanks to the very lovely team that I work with and who give up their free time and energy to support BTG.... Sami, Tina, Jess, Super Mario, Daff and Macca ... all incredible people and it's a complete pleasure working with them and who give me the respite that I need too!.... I've personally met a few of them and I can tell you, that they are an inspiration and continue to be so and that helps drive me forward with the site ... xx Without the help that I have, I couldn't run this site alone now. I would also like to thank (if they're looking in) the Moderators who helped me in the early years and to Keith (Bogbrush) who helped me with the Admin and who also helped to develop the site and kept me sane...as I probably wasn't very sane post SAH! Love and thanks go to Chris, my son .... and without him, this site would not have been born ... and to who, I still go to, when things go wrong with BTG and I don't know what to do!... Bless him, as he sorts it out for me ... I couldn't be any prouder of either of my children, as both Chris and Lauren have supported me with this site and still help me on a personal basis when needed. Love them both. x Well, where to start? I can't say that it hasn't been a tough ride for me....because it has. I still have some bad days, my aneurysm isn't totally fixed and I'm monitored... I still have problems with fatigue, but life is pretty good and it's what you make it. I never managed to return to paid work in the same capacity that I did pre-SAH, but managed to do temporary work. I also think that I made a choice not to return to that lifestyle or try to juggle so many balls. However, if anybody gives you that 3-6 month rule, as in being totally okay, going back to work or that's all the recovery that you will have .... well, all I can say is, it's totally rubbish, but I respect that they have to give you some sort of timeline. I'm still experiencing recovery 10+ years on .... I'm also getting older, which you have to factor into the equation, experiencing the menopause that comes with being in my 50's and which also mimics the SAH aftermath with it's symptoms .... so it's a double whammy at the minute. However, I'm doing much more than I did this time last year. If it puts anybody's mind at rest, we haven't lost a single person on this site who's been operated on for an aneurysm or suffered a non-aneurysm bleed (NASAH) .... well, not that I know of in the last 9 years!....so, please don't waste time worrying and I hope that you take comfort from this fact and go and live life. It took quite some years to restore my own confidence, but time is a great healer and I'm okay now. Over the 9 years of BTG being in existence, I'm still reading the same problems and I find it so frustrating. It's often a postcode lottery as to what help you will receive in the UK. Don't suffer anxiety or if you're feeling low and a bit depressed, please go and see your Doctor. You don't have to endure it, seek help. If you don't ask, you don't get and the earlier that it's treated, the earlier you will recover. Not everything is down to the SAH fallout, so please always seek medical advice and don't suffer. A big thank you to all of you, who support others on this site with your own experience and I know that it's not easy, but much comfort is received ... and it's great to see so many Carer's on the site, offering support too! I really wish that something like BTG had been in existence when I was in my early months and first year of recovery. I think that the support and knowledge would have perhaps helped me to heal a little faster. Keep well and love to all. xx

Thank you Paul. I remember you from all those years ago back in 2009 when I discovered BTG while searching about SAH’s and all the advice you gave. I’m glad I could tell her about this site because it really helped her and when she was nominated for a stroke award she was chuffed to bits. Mums passing was very sudden and unexpected. One minute she was fine and the next she got very ill. We thought her shunt had failed but it turned out to be heart failure. Thank you also to the others who have replied and for your kind words. I do read them all but I don’t always come on here to reply, not as chatty as my mum was 😇 but the messages are appreciated. We got a memorial for her at the crematorium. We thought it right that ‘keep smiling and singing’ was on it. Sarah.

Devastated by this news. My SAH was almost ten years ago. It was some time before I found out about this site and when I joined Win was one of the first people to greet me and she told me about singing and having a laugh. I didn't think much of it at first but then one day she said something very profound and it has stuck with me ever since. She told me there was always someone worse off than yourself, and rather than be miserable and look on the down side of life, I should look for new opportunities as the 'new you.' It didn't dawn on me until a couple of days later what she was really saying- my flash to bang time wasn't very good after my SAH - that she was indeed talking about herself, and she was basically telling me I should count myself lucky. I could still see my kids and grandkids grow, I could still walk and talk and look forward to going back to work, albeit in a reduced capacity, and so on. The more I thought about it, I thought that's one savvy, gutsy lady, what have I got to cry about. From that realisation day on, I always tell people to look on the bright side of life, have your sad moment, but then get back on your feet and take the world on and get the most out of life. That's what Win did for me - and she told me in that most British, English way - with classic, understated brilliance and simplicity that I only had to open my eyes to see. Thanks Win, RIP Sleep tight. Macca

Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry about your lovely mum. She leaves a huge hole at BTG and I’ll so miss her cheer and optimism that she often shared with us here. She was one of the shunt gals gals and I Loved my ‘Mrs O’ chats in the green room, she even changed her picture to Mrs O. She was a special brave lady and so proud of you, her Al and of course Tilly. take care in the coming days. Let the tears flow. Let us know if practically there is anything we can try and Help with as her community of online friends. I guess The singing just got a whole lot louder where she is now. They are blessed. Will miss you Win. 💕 Im just editing to add , this from one of Win’s posts in 2016 “Be Well, smile and sing (My answer to everything) !!”

Two years ago today my whole world was thrown towards the skies with absolutely no warning. My world was shattered into tiny fragments. The pieces, still drift back down even now,some were lost blown away on the summer breeze and many of those that I found don't fit together anymore. I don't think I'll ever stop looking,I want to fit as much back together as I can . The sensible part of me knows it will be a different picture, a different world. And I am still (after 2years) trying to accept that fact. I have learned a lot in two years, I think that I am now gaining the strength to be me I do know for sure that without John and BTG, I wouldn't be where I am now. John is my rock,I love him 'to the moon and back' BTG is my saviour, A massive Thank you to all of you for your support and encouragement and patience with me Love Jan xx

Deb bless you. I know exactly how you feel - that was me ten years ago. I didn't like the new me at all - in fact I flaming well hated her and her limitations, but this is all about adapting and learning what you can and can't do right now. Things may improve and you'll get a bit of the old you back. I love reading so was gutted that I couldn't read because I couldn't remember the day after what it was I'd read the day before, but I got there. I love the new me now, I don't sweat the small stuff anymore and try not to do everything at a million miles an hour. I've also finally learned that patience is indeed very much a virtue. I know it's hard right now, but accepting the new you and your limitations and adapting to them will help with recovery. You've done the hard part - you survived. Now you need to recover and that can sometimes be a long road with ups and downs along the way - but take as many pit stops as you need to to get there. Please see if your GP can refer you for counselling - it helped me better than I think any pill could have. It's good to off load your feelings to someone that you have no emotional investment in. We're all here for you hun, but please get professional guidance too.

Hi Verna and welcome. We've all had the feeling of being scared that it's going to happen again. I can only say, that time is a great healer and your confidence does return. However, if your anxiety is severe and it sounds as though it is, go and visit your GP. Be honest with them as to how you're feeling, you don't have to cope with this alone and without help. You're not a failure to ask for help and the aftermath of a SAH is hard to deal with. Anxiety and depression are common post brain injury. Unfortunately, I wish I'd had the BTG info and hindsight and the knowledge that I now do about anxiety and if the brain has been injured it can also affect all parts of our emotional well being too ... chemical/hormonal imbalance which can lead to anxiety and depression. I struggled with everything and wouldn't give in to it .... However, I did eventually speak to my GP and I was put on a beta blocker to help calm things down. It really wasn't enough and I still struggled. I also had family problems and the menopause was giving me a severe kicking too. The menopause can give symptoms that mirror the fallout from the SAH, so if there are any ladies of a certain age who are finding life more difficult, please speak to your GP. HRT didn't work for me and it increased my headaches, so I tackled it alone for quite some time. I decided to go back to the GP this year and I've been put on an anti depressant called Sertraline. It took a while for it to kick in and you have to be patient with it, but I haven't looked back .... it's given me a better quality of life overall and I wish that I'd taken this route sooner, rather than being stubborn and thinking that I had to cope with it all .... I've learnt that taking medication isn't the sign of failure and to stop struggling with my faulty brain ... I also know of men on this site who struggled with anxiety and depression after a SAH who thought that because they were a man, that it was weak to admit that they were struggling. However, they did eventually see their GP as for some, they were the major wage earner and it was affecting their work and their personal life. For most of these members the medication helped to get their life back on track and to actually be able to enjoy life again. xx

All of us are different in our bleeds, our experience is unique to us which is one of the trickier things that comes with our new found adjustment to the new state of us. Yes we can compare, we can definately learn from others having trodden a path before , BTG is a sanctuary for that but at the same time we have to work out our own possibilities within our own recovery. I had a pretty major bleed, level 4,complicated by hydrocephalus which then returned after a length stay requiring even more surgery to bring the permanent additon of a shunt into my life equation. The prognosis once I left hospital was pretty much " just do what you can" and so ever since then I have tried to figure out what that "can " is. Working and the return to it at the capacity I had before has proved impossible for now especially keeping the balance of home life with two young daughters so I do it differently these days but I think just being curious about what might be possible in a new way has been helpful. We all know about regains , or retrains as I now think of them , and we learn about pacing, about spoons and we make sensible decisions every day about how doing something might mean not doing something else. Thing is whilst doing that I found I was becoming less open to stepping outside my comfort zone. So the further I stepped in my recovery , the steadier I was becoming the less I was likely to rock that boat so this week I rocked it. I really pushed myself physically and cognitively and whilst I couldn't do the entirety of what I set out to do I learnt a huge amount on the way and feel a little more positive as well that this recovery of our is definately something I'm on for the rest of my life and that it's kinda cool that I get to understand and really try different ways of doing things. I havent been been online for a few days as of course the efforts of my adventure wiped me out totally but that was worth it and I 'stopped' before it became painful. And I mean I really stopped and switched everything off. My mum even brought meals on wheels whilst I rebooted. So that's what I wanted to share. We get to know our traffic lights system , our Red Amber and Green moments and I guess I wanted to say pay attention to them all but always listen to the red and then at that moment really do stop because then you will be able to go again when the green comes around. And who knows we may go even further ? If anyone wants to know what I've been up to they can check out my blog , link is on my profile page. Go steady and keep being curious everyone to your new possibilities and of course always keep singing. I did a fair bit of that this week Win.

Im 27 and suffered my SAH in June 2015.....what a shocker!!! I have amamzed my self, family, friends and also my consultant!! I was back to work full time by The middle of Aug 2015 ( though I wasn't allowed to do a lot) head aches gone and finally was starting to forget about my illness My MRI scan in December six months after my SAH was as they wanted, I also have another one which they are monitoring every 18 months. So I have another 18months appointment free! I'm now back driving It was like I never had it, I can not believe how much has changed, this time last year I never knew of my SAH. I never thought the day would come were it would not cross my mind, I can go days without thinking about what happened. In such a good place right now! Though don't get me wrong I do play on it with my boyfriend when It's my turn to cook lol!

Well a year ago today I was probably sitting in the GP's. I had stupidly drove myself there after experiencing the most horrific pain in my head whilst showering. I thought someone had assaulted me over the back of the head with a baseball bat which knocked me to the floor. I now know that an aneurysm I had, had probably bled. This year has been a tough one, whilst I know from this site how lucky I have been coming away with some mild memory and physically problems it has still been a hard journey. I have looked today at texts sent on that day and can still feel how fearful I was. My aneurysm which was large was successful coiled later that week by a marvellous team whose care was second to none. I remember the angiogram and lying on that what I can only describe as an "ironing" board - not great but knowing that that amazing technology would be what could either save or end my life. I have to say I was thankful when they did the coiling I would be sedated. What a lot I have learned both about me, my family and friends. Seeing my son fly from Akron to be with me was excellent as I worried I may never see him again if coiling went wrong, my daughter came with me to the emergency ward after I was sent there by GP. They were terrific support, my husband and sister were amazing and bless they really have had the most to deal with as have been the brunt of my roller coaster of emotions. This site has helped enormously offering an understanding ear, a safe place to share feelings and of course some fab singing and small insight into other people lives. Today I am going to enjoy that I am alive x

Daff, what a very eloquent and thought provoking post, I like you have learned to distance myself from stressful situations, simply because I can`t handle it anymore. That`s why we spend so much time at our caravan, it`s my sanctuary. I have also learned how fragile life can be, you just don't know what`s around the corner for you, I used to worry about stupid little things, not anymore I don't, life is to short. I`ve had some difficult times with the problems post SAH, I`ve had a wonderful GP, I have been able to go and talk things through with her, sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't, I find talking to Verdun about the way I am feeling quite difficult now as he thinks I should be over it by now, which has made me quite sad at times, I have however still got memory problems which I still find very frustrating, the loss of words still affects me sometimes, I am learning to live with these things as time goes on. I still don't like being alone in the house, I still find that quite unnerving at times, silly I know. I want my life to be more worthwhile, I don't take anything for granted anymore, I want to spend more time with the people that I love, especially my parents with my mam being ill, I feel that time will run out if I don't do it now. I also have to thank everyone at BTG, without this forum I would not be where I am today, the support and the friendship here has been a god send to me, no one understands more than those who have been through it, we are a unique group of people, each having a story to tell about our recovery journey, what we have lost and what we have gained during it and the fact that this will help so many other people during their recovery journey is a great thing, it`s a nice place to come and let off steam, have a chat and have a good laugh also, I feel very grateful to you all. Love Michelle x

Hi Daff, I totally get all that too. It's 5 years since SAH rocked my world and whilst I cherish every day I do still miss the old me at times. I yearn for the wife, mother, daughter and friend that I once was. Like so many others here I have to plan and pace everything I do, and my lil re-arranged brain still always kicks out to remind me that it has been injured. I've worked hard to get where I am today and I'm very proud of all I've achieved (recently just passed work exams, a tough year of studies, I cried I was so chuffed with myself, I did it!) Fatigue still floors me. I still have headaches and temple pressure every single day. I wake every morning with head pains that take about an hour to ease off. Life is different, but I've learnt a lot about myself and I look at a lot of things very differently now. Many of your posts have given me strength and courage, you've given me hints and tips, especially in coping with (rare!) social situations, I still use my 'trusty survival kit', earplugs, sunglasses, bottle of water and still use my stick now and again when my balance is bad. The best thing I've learnt really is that it is OK to not be OK, I can have these moments when I feel a bit mardy about the way things are because those feelings don't last long, I see the rainbow again, when I look around the people in my life and I know how very lucky I am. We must always keep hope and we must always keep singing! Take care lovely lady, SarahLou Xx

Hi All I haven't posted for a long time. It's seven years today that my brain exploded and last week I graduated from the Open University. I know I'm an extremely lucky girlie and just wish to say that there is hope, new directions and opportunities. Lorraine

Clare. The neurophyscologists I saw post SAH explained a little to me as I still experience the feeling you describe even three and a bit years on. When you have a lot of sensory input, background noise, conversation, bright light, it all takes processingpower but ours ability to do this efficiently is damaged. To varying degrees for us all but it takes extra brain energy to do any cognitive work combined with that sensory overload. So when you run, you just run, it uses up physical energy but gives you chemical releases that make you feel good and you probably switch off and relax your brain when you run. When you are at work, you concentrate, you have competing sensory sounds and visuals and the brain is overstimulated against a background of damage left by bleed. Then the horrid chemicals kick in because you feel dreadful and it is a nasty outcome of feeling rotton to say the least. So there you are, my best explanation of why you may find some things wear you out more than others. It may get better, it may improve, it may not. My best advice is for now you need to find coping mechanisms and tips and techniques that work. Figure out what effects you and then out in place pacing and adaptations to make adjustments, you can't be the same as you were, you have to find a new normal. For instance I wear sunglasses in business meetings and whenever I travel places or shop and people who know me understand. I have ear plugs which allow me to block background noise but hear a conversation with the person I am with and more importantly I take 5 minute breaks frequently when I am just still and quiet. So I work a longer elapsed time overall but have more frequent breaks agreed with my employer. If I didn't simply put I couldn't cope with the effects. It's great you have been able to return and run similar to before, cherish and celebrate that achievement and be patient and kind to yourself with the working. Just because you can't see the injury it is there. I'm sure if you had a bad case of sun burn you wouldn't go sit in the sun the same way you used to without changing habits a bit, the same applies to a brain bleed.

Xmartz, I'm another that's been down the same road: "You're looking well, like there's never been anything wrong with you." "I forget things all the time." "Pull yourself together man." "Just get on with it, there's nothing wrong with you." "You're tired - wait till you do as much as me, then you'll be tired." "You should be better by now - are you just making an excuse?" I've had all of these and more. Change is an inevitable part of life. I've put on weight and become more grouchy at times, but it's how I am now. What reason do they have for being grouchy? I make mistakes but I have a reason for mine - do they have a reason for theirs? SAH is our change and others have to accept the change and adapt accordingly or move backwards whilst we move forwards. I like me, always did, always will. If others do too, that's a bonus. If they don't that's their problem, not mine! Well done for speaking out Xmartz, I dine at your table! Best wishes, Macca

Hi All, It will be my 6th year since my head popped/SAH on 29th July 2009 my Family say !! I was given hardly any hope and look at me now. So to all who are new to it, I suggest you laugh a lot, sing a lot and keep near happy people. Seriously just live life to the full and enjoy BTG and it's people. I was so scared after I was told what happened to me, my daughter found this site to be so helpful to her while I was out of it. She told me about it and I have never laughed so much since 2010 xx Keep the Faith and Laughter going. Many thanks to all who keep this site going xx and I like chocolates xx hint to start saving ha Love WinB143 xx

My Rememberer's Broke My Forgettor's getting better But my Rememberer's broke To you that might seem funny But to me, it is no joke For when I'm "here" I am wondering If I should really be "there" And when I try to think it through I haven't really got a clue! Oft times I walk into a room Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A big fat zero is my score At times, I put something away Where it is safe, but Gee, The person it's safest from Is, generally me! When shopping, I may see someone, Say "hi", and have a chat. Then, when that person walks away I ask myself, "who's that?". Yes, my Forgettor's getting better, While my Rememberer's is broke And it's driving me totally crazy And sadly, that isn't a joke. This post has been promoted to an article